The days and weeks seemed to fly by with Jordan. I know that sounds cliché, but it was true. I wanted each conversation with him to last forever, but of course they never did. Still, I was happy with what time we had and what we could share, although I couldn’t help wanting more of both – and more of him.

I’ve never been a very good boyfriend. That’s something I knew about myself long before Kate started pointing it out. But with Jordan, I really wanted to try. For example, I never remembered mine and Kate’s anniversary. Yet, as soon as I woke up on the morning of my one month anniversary with Jordan, I remembered. The whole day he was all I could think about.

It seemed like ages, somehow, but at the same time it seemed like we had just met. Even though I wanted to, I knew that there wasn’t much I could do to make the day special. I tried and tried to finish my painting for him, but it still didn’t look quite right. Maybe just talking with him would be enough, though. After all, it really was all we had… so far.

I could hardly believe a whole month had gone by since Sam and I became boyfriends. It still made me grin like an idiot just thinking about it. Things had been rocky at first, both of us having our doubts and fears, but we had each other. It’d been the best month I’d had in longer than I could remember, filled to the brim with laughter and tears, sweet romance and unbridled passion. And I prayed that it was just the beginning.

Things at work and home were being positively affected, too. I helped out around the house more often, I was more productive at work, and I was generally just a better person to be around. Everyone around me seemed to be in a better mood, too, especially Zac. The two of us had always been somewhat tuned into each other’s emotions, so it wasn’t that surprising that when one of us was in a good mood, so was the other. We were writing songs easily, and even starting to lay down some demo tracks.

Even my relationship with Natalie was improving, in a way. It was like we’d silently come to an understanding, stopped trying to be what we weren’t anymore. There was still a touch of bittersweetness, and neither of us was giving up, but we weren’t forcing things, either. We still shared a bed, but all we did was sleep; she didn’t push for a reason, and I was grateful for that. That night, she didn’t even bat an eyelash when I tucked her into our bed, heading to my office. I still cared about her, but my heart now lay with another.

I hadn’t lied. I really did start crying at the thought of finally meeting Jordan face to face. The were tears of happiness and just a little bit of fear. What if it didn’t work out in person? It was scary to think about, but I tried my best to push those thoughts aside.

The thought of coming out was part of what scared me, too, even if it would just be to one person. I didn’t even know who to tell – who did I really have who wouldn’t judge me for something like that? Maybe no one but Jordan.

An hour after we signed offline, I still couldn’t seem to stop crying, my emotions running back and forth between joy and terror. There was no way I could explain that to Kate, so I settled into the couch in my garage studio once again. That studio was my little refuge from the world.

I held a shaking hand to my heart, feeling it pounding against my ribs. To actually see Sam, face to face; to hold him in my arms, to look into his eyes, to hear him say my name. My real name. It was terrifying, but my longing to be with him was overpowering the fear with every passing day. It had been a month; Sam knew practically everything about me. Why wouldn’t he still love me?

But taking it from the computer to the real world was a huge step. Not that it wasn’t real already, but to see him in person would truly confirm it. I thought of my wife; could I really cheat on her? Hadn’t I already? Where was the line? I wondered if I’d already crossed it, and if I even cared.

I didn’t, I realized. I needed Sam, needed to see him, needed this to be real. My life had been so empty before, and I hadn’t even known until he came into it. I was still afraid, but I wouldn’t let my fear keep me from happiness. I’d focused on others for so long, and I was proud of that; but it was my turn. I was going to fight for this, with everything I had. And if it didn’t work out… I shuddered, and decided not to think of anything other than mine and Sam’s happy ending.