With Jordan to talk to every night while we were out of the country, I almost forgot how much I was dreading returning home. But when we got home, I had to face the fact that all the wonderful things Jordan and I talked about were only online. While we were out of the country, I could pretend that I wasn’t married or anything. But back here in Tulsa, in the real world, I couldn’t ignore all of that. I didn’t want to let Jordan in on how depressing that was, though. Things with us were going so well, and I only wanted that to continue.

As awful as it sounds, it was hard to pretend I had missed Kate while I was gone. Surely soon she would notice that something was different with me. When things were bad with Jordan, it was easy to find some reason to argue with Kate, too. But now that things were good, I couldn’t hide my stupid smile or the way I felt like bouncing off the walls all the time.

There was one way to hide it – a way that I knew would only upset Kate even more, but I didn’t care. Normally, I left my pot habit for the road where she couldn’t nag me for it. But after my good mood lead to her nagging and picking at me for no apparent reason other than that I was happy… well, then I really didn’t care that she didn’t want me to smoke at home. With my stash replenished, I settled in to once again talk to Jordan, longing desperately to be back in that fantasy world where it was only me and him.

Things were perfect. Better than perfect, even. Every time I talked to Sam, I fell more in love with him. He had a way of seeing things that was at once deep and insightful, and yet playful and light-hearted. He had a sarcastic streak, but not to the point of being cynical. He had such an innocent heart, and it hurt to hear how his wife treated him. I wanted nothing more than just to hold him, and make sure he was never hurt again.

It was getting harder to keep it online, though. Knowing that he lived in Tulsa, possibly within a few miles, was starting to eat away at my resolve. I was terrified of what would happen when he saw me, but it was getting more difficult to care. So many times I had to stop myself from asking where in Tulsa he lived, for fear that I’d just jump in the car and go.

I started to wonder if it would really be as bad as I was imagining. I would lay in bed, dreaming up scenarios where we would meet. Sometimes he would leave, as I feared, but more often he either wouldn’t care at all; and at least once, he admitted to having a crush on me. That one had made me smile, the tiny bit of pride I had showing. But every time we talked, when I considered it, I always chickened out. But, like I had told him, maybe someday…

I hated how much Jordan worried about everything – about my marriage, about my drug habit, about what would happen if we ever met in person. He was kind of right to worry about the last one, though. I couldn’t help pushing a little bit for it to happen, but truthfully, I was scared to death of it, too. Still, I had to believe that once he saw me, who I really was, I could make him understand why I had lied about my name.

He had to understand, I told myself. I refused to let my slightly paranoid mind imagine any other scenario. Someday, we would meet and Jordan would still love me, even in spite of my lies. And I would still love him, too. His worry about what I would think of him in person was cute, but I knew there was no way I would ever see him as anything less than perfect.

I didn’t dare go back into the house that night. For one, I was still a little bit stoned even after I finished talking to Jordan for the night. But also, I just didn’t want to see Kate. I wanted to keep up the fantasy as much as I could, and crawling into bed with her, especially when she had nagged at me all night, would only remind me that I still wasn’t really with Jordan.

My heart ached as I shut down my laptop. Once again, the thought of meeting Sam face-to-face was frighteningly tempting. And it killed me to not be able to tell him why I was so afraid. But he wasn’t pushing. He seemed to understand, and that just made me love him more. He always understood, no matter how frustrating I was being.

I loved conversations like this one, though, where we shared little details about our lives. It made me feel like I really knew him, reminded me that this wasn’t just some game. He even told me his middle name; I’d felt guilty, giving him a fake first name, but I reminded himself that the name was the only lie I was telling. Not counting certain omitted truths, of course, but that was different.

As I lay in bed that night, I tried again to imagine what would happen if we met. It was a sweet dream this time, with Sam not caring about my identity. He understood why I’d lied, and he loved me still. It ended with us walking around Tulsa together, hand in hand, the sun shining down on us. The next morning, I woke up with tears in my eyes, but a smile on my lips. Maybe someday.