In the weeks that followed, I was happier than I could remember being for a long time. I knew it was wrong to carry on with Jordan behind Kate’s back, but I really didn’t care. I loved him, and nothing else mattered. In fact, that one simple fact seemed to make everything else better, even if the only people who knew the difference were me and him.

I still felt bad about lying to him about who I was; I hadn’t even given him my real name, after all. I feared that if I did, he would wonder if everything else between us was a lie. I knew that it wasn’t, but I didn’t know how to make him believe it. Maybe if I could convince him to meet me someday, I could make him believe. But I didn’t know when, or even if, he would ever agree to that. For now, though, things were good and I didn’t want to make any waves.

The band was back on tour, doing a few concerts and some promotional stuff, and not even the jet lag could really bring me down. Whatever problems Taylor and I had seemed to have dissipated, too. Being back on the road had a way helping us get along again, I guess. When we had a day off, everyone went their separate ways to sightsee, but all I wanted to see was my laptop screen.

Sam and I talked every night over the following couple weeks. Every time, I learned a little more about him, and it made me love him even more. He was sweet, offering support when I had a rough day, making me laugh with his odd sense of humor. And on the nights when we couldn’t resist, he was everything I could hope for in a lover. I found it harder to spend nights with my wife and not imagine it was his body, his hands, his lips.

Things with Natalie seemed to be cooling faster than ever; I wasn’t worried about her finding about Sam, though. We’d been growing apart for a while, and now that I was in love with someone else, it made it harder than ever to fake it with her. She seemed to understand though, giving me my space. It was sad, but it felt like things were starting to draw to a close. And as guilty as it made me feel, my mind often wandered to fantasies of being free to be with Sam.

When the band flew to the Phillipines for a few concerts, it was a nice break. I still made sure to talk to Sam every night, though. I wanted to share what I was seeing, wanted him to be there with me. I missed him more than ever as I wandered the city on a day I’d managed to save for myself; I found myself in a small art gallery, longing to see the pieces through his eyes. That night, I could hardly wait to tell him about it as I waited for him to log on.

Our conversation that night was all over the place. From sentimental, girly stuff about going to an art gallery together to some really, really hot sex. But somehow, it all made sense. I don’t think anyone else could follow my weird train of thought – or have one just as weird – except for Jordan.

I couldn’t believe he had almost, kind of agreed to meeting me offline. The thought of it was actually terrifying, but at the same time, I wanted so badly for it to happen. We didn’t have to do anything as special as going to an art gallery together. I didn’t care what we did. I just wanted him to still love me and want me after he knew who I really was.

I giggled as I shut down my computer; we were really being ridiculously sappy. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so happy, so in love, if I ever had been. I was excited to see some of Sam’s artwork, too. Honestly, though, he could draw a stick figure and I’d be happy to see it.

I sighed heavily. Maybe someday… It hadn’t been a promise exactly, but it felt like one, and my stomach twisted in knots. Was it possible? I wanted it to be, more than I’d ever wanted everything. But I couldn’t quelch the fear that he wouldn’t want me, once he knew who I was. It was a little irrational, I knew, but that didn’t seem to matter.

But for now things were going great. I had Sam, the band was doing well, and everyone seemed happy. Even Zac had calmed down and gone back to his usual self, which made me glad. I still felt guilty about the things I’d said in our last fight, but he seemed over it. Whatever was going on with him, it seemed like a good thing. Life was finally starting to make sense again.