I couldn’t focus at all during rehearsal, no matter how much I tried. All I could think about was Jordan and how I wished I knew how to fix things between us. When I started to really fall behind, Taylor’s patience wore thin more quickly than I’d ever seen. And of course, I couldn’t help pushing his buttons. But he pushed right back. Every sarcastic comment I threw at him was met with an insult designed to hit me in all my weak spots.

Well, maybe not all of them. But he still knew more of them than I expected. I knew it was a low blow to call him a girl, but I didn’t expect what he said in return. Okay, maybe it shouldn’t have surprised me that Kate and Natalie gossiped about our sex life. But it did. It didn’t enrage me, as it might have just a few weeks ago, before I understood the reason why I hadn’t been able to perform.

No, I wasn’t angry, even though my fists still flew. I was just… defeated. Everything was going wrong and the one thing I had hoped I could cling to in the storm – Jordan – was gone. Once Isaac pulled us apart, I sneaked into another room to sign online via my phone, but my messages went unanswered again.

That night, I ignored Kate completely, not even bothering to give her an excuse before I stalked off to the garage with my laptop to give it one last try. I knew just one more blow would knock me out, but I had to give it all I had. I had to get Jordan back.

I settled into my office chair, rubbing my eyes before staring at the computer screen. Today had been… well, it hadn’t been good. I hadn’t meant to snap at Zac; we weren’t even fighting about anything, really. But I was so on edge, that all it took was little push to set me off. And then, if that hadn’t been enough, I’d logged on for five minutes, and there was Sam. I’d almost broken. He said he missed me. But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, starting something I knew neither one of us could ever really see through.

I cried. I went out to my car, and I cried. I cried for everything I’d ever given up, and for everything I wasn’t allowed to hope for. I cried until I couldn’t cry any more, until my eyes burned and my chest heaved. And when my tears finally ran out, I took a few deep breaths, wiped my eyes, and drove home.

Home… This wasn’t the life I wanted, but it was the life I had. I walked in on Natalie cooking dinner, and stood in the doorway watching her. She really was lovely. I made a decision, to try to appreciate what I had. So what if I wasn’t entirely happy? So were millions of other people. But I could make do, and I could make her happy. She deserved that much, at least.

I was a model husband, helping with dinner, the kids, cleaning up, and even cuddling on the couch before bedtime. As we were laying down, she turned to me, touching my cheek. She told me how much she appreciated everything I’d sacrificed for her happiness. Then, she tilted her head, and asked if I ever kept any for myself; I couldn’t answer. She kissed my cheek and rolled over, but all I could do was lay there, staring at the ceiling.

She was right; I bent over backwards to please everyone else. When did I get my turn? When did I get to be happy? And then, I realized, I had my chance. Sam. So, I dragged my feet to my office, dropped into my chair, and opened my laptop with shaking hands. Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak. But right then, I couldn’t help thinking a little bit of happiness was better than a lifetime without.

Jordan constantly amazed me with how stubborn and insecure he could be. At times, I thought he even gave me a run for my money. I should have realized why he was upset, though; it wasn’t with me, exactly, it was with our entire situation. That was a frustration I could completely understand.

In the days I had spent away from him, if you could call it that, I realized that it was useless to fight my feelings for him. They seemed to grow by the minute. Every moment I spent not talking to him, every time he ignored my messages, I felt my heart breaking just a little bit more. I was falling for him, too. It was terrifying, but I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to fight it.

But, god, it was hard to convince Jordan of that. Even when I shut my computer down for the night, I wasn’t sure I had fully won him over. That was okay, though. I was willing to hang in there and be just as stubborn as him. I’d prove to him that I meant it.

Anyway, I wouldn’t fully admit it to him, but I was scared and doubtful, too. How could I really know I loved him? Just a few weeks ago, not only did I not know him, but I didn’t even know – or at least believe – that I was gay. I didn’t know myself at all; how could I know my feelings? But I had to. I had to trust. Trust, and faith in Jordan, was really all I had. Even though he had been what set my life spiraling out of control, he was also the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.

And that’s how I knew that I truly did love him, as crazy as it sounded.

I had to sit back for a full ten minutes, letting the tears run their course. But this time they were happy tears; I was happier than I could ever remember being. I could hardly believe it, but it was true; I was hopelessly, desperately in love with Sam. And the feelings were mutual. I smiled as I wiped my eyes, drawing a few trembling breaths.

I couldn’t remember the last time my emotions had run the gamut as quickly as they had the past couple weeks, but it was worth it. Even if it was only online, a thought I tried my hardest not to focus on, I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. I laughed to myself, feeling like an over-emotional teenage girl. But I didn’t care how ridiculous I looked. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I was happy. Truly, simply, completely happy.

As I lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt free, almost dizzy with elation. I wondered how far this would go; he lived in Tulsa. It was a terrifying thought, but at the same time, my heart ached, so desperate to look into the eyes of the man I loved, the man who loved me. I sighed heavily, my emotions once again clouding, but I wouldn’t let the doubt and fear overcome the joy. I’d worked too hard, waited too long, to let it slip away.