Carrick
After our little ‘play date’ things went back to normal… sort of. I’d only been home a few days, and we hadn’t really talked about what happened, but I knew we needed to. It had been on my mind almost constantly, everything that had been done, and said, and what all of it meant. I tried to look at it objectively, looking past the sex to analyze the emotions I’d tried so hard to ignore at the time. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but if we were going to move forward, I had to be honest about how I felt, especially to myself.
Over the years I’d been accused of being selfless to a fault, and it wasn’t exactly not true. I just wanted to make sure the people I cared about were happy, and there wasn’t anyone more important to me than Zac. That’s why I’d suppressed my feelings for him for so long; it’s why I’d walked away so he could be with Taylor. It’s why I didn’t tell him how hard that’d been for me.
It’s why I’d gone along with his and Tay’s little playtime idea and kept my mouth shut when things started to go sour. I knew Zac loved me and wanted me there; most of the time it seemed like Taylor wanted me there too, and at least cared a little. But there were moments where Tay’s jealousy got in the way, and every time it just served to remind me of my place in the food chain.
I’d meant what I said to Ike on Christmas; part of Zac’s heart was better than none at all. But sometimes I wondered what it’d be like to actually give a shit about myself, to put my needs first–or at least not dead last. This whole three-way relationship was really pushing the limits of what I was willing to put up with for love. I was a decent person, not perfect but definitely not an asshole, either. Didn’t I deserve someone who loved me, and just me?
I thought about that a lot, until I finally got to a conclusion that felt right. Whether I deserved better or not, I didn’t care. Zac was worth it.
That didn’t mean Zac was totally off the hook, though; I knew we needed to talk about what had happened. If I knew him like I thought I did, he was probably beating himself up over it. And I had things I needed to get off my chest, too, things that couldn’t wait any more, especially after I had come to terms with everything. So when he texted me telling me he was picking me up for a lunch date, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I took a few minutes to mentally prepare myself, then put on my trademark smile and waited.
“Carrick?” Zac called out as he walked in the front door. “You ready?”
“Sure thing, babe. Let’s go.” I gave him a quick kiss, then threw my coat on and followed him out to the car.
A few minutes later we were sitting in a corner booth, waiting for our food. I could hear Zac tapping his foot nervously under the table; I laced my fingers with him and gave him a hopefully reassuring smile.
“This is nice,” I said, taking a sip of my soda. “Been awhile since we’ve gone out, just the two of us.”
“Yeah… It’s tough to make time for… both of you,” he finished, looking away.
“Yeah…” I glanced down myself; even when Tay wasn’t physically there, he still managed to be there.
“I’m sorry.” Zac frowned, but I smiled and squeezed his hand.
“Don’t be. Not your fault. It’s… it’s fine, really.”
“You wouldn’t tell me if it wasn’t fine, though,” he accused.
“Now who thinks he knows everything?” I shot back with a smirk. He was right, of course, but I couldn’t not tease him.
“I’m not as dumb as I look.”
I snorted, but covered it with a cough.
“Look, Zac…” I sighed, mentally bracing myself. “You know I just want you to be happy. And if this… is too much…”
“No… Carrick…” Zac said, his eyes going wide. “This is what I want. I want… both of you.”
“I know you you do,” I nodded.
“And I want both of you to be happy. I just don’t feel like I’m making both of you happy.”
I let out a sigh; it was tough to say who was more stubbornly selfless, me or him.
“You’re doing the best you can.” I looked at him for a second; if we were going to make any progress, one of us had to just cut the bullshit and be totally honest. And it was looking like I was it.
“Okay, look,” I started. “I get it. You want everything to be love and peace and fluffy kittens.” I ignored his sullen frown and went on. “But Zac… it’s never going to be perfect. I love you, and you love me. But…” I paused, lowering my voice. I didn’t want to say it out loud, but it needed to be said. “You love him more. And he loves you more. And I… I’m always going to take a backseat, for both of you.”
“And… you’re okay with that?” Zac asked, frowning. I sighed heavily.
“You want the truth?”
“Probably not…”
“Then yeah. Hundred percent.” I slapped on a fake smile for effect.
“Carrick,” he sighed, and I let the facade fall.
“The truth… Yeah it hurts. It hurts watching you look at him the way you do. It hurts, hearing you say his name in a way you don’t even say mine. It hurts…” I paused, looking away for a second. I didn’t really want to make Zac feel guilty, but he asked for the truth, and I was honestly tired of hiding it. “It hurts seeing that ring on your finger. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I live with it. I focus on the way you do look at me, the way you do say my name. I focus on the fact that you love me so much, that you’re willing to make him share.” I took a breath, letting my words sink in. He stared back, still looking like he’d accidentally run over my kitten.
“Zac, if you keep trying to make sure both of us are all hunky dory all the time, you’re gonna end up killing yourself. There’s always going to be a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of hurt. But… not enough to make me wanna throw in the towel.”
Zac let out a deep sigh, still not smiling but at least not pouting so much. “Good. Cause I really, really don’t want you to.”
“I know,” I replied, nodding.
“And I know… I can’t make everything perfect.”
“Do you?” I gave him a pointed look. “Because it looks to me like that’s what you’ve been trying like hell to do.”
“I don’t like it when you’re right,” he said, pouting again. I smirked, but it felt bittersweet.
“Sometimes… neither do I.”
“It just feels like… most of the reasons it’s not perfect are my fault. I mean, I get that the jealousy and stuff is just gonna happen, but…”
“…But?”
“But I’m not really doing what I could do to… to stop some of it. The jealousy and stuff, I mean.”
“What do you mean?” I tilted my head, not entirely following his logic.
“Well, let’s see. I ask you to give me and Tay some space, which was really tough for me to ask of you, and then when you get back…” He glanced around before continuing in a whisper, “I put you on a leash and make you be our pet.” The pink on his cheeks was cute, proof that even though he was a lot more confident than he’d been a year ago, he wasn’t the total gutter-mind I was.
“Was I complaining?”
“Well… no.”
“For the most part, I had a blast,” I told him; he nodded slowly. “Still can’t believe you went through with it,” I chuckled.
“I know I didn’t really… like, even give you a choice, though.”
“You honestly think you could’ve made me?” I teased, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah, like I said. I wasn’t complaining.” My smile faltered a bit as I remembered everything that happened; I looked away and sipped my drink, but Zac wasn’t buying it.
“Carrick… Look, um… I know you said you enjoyed it, but…”
I looked down; so here we were, finally acknowledging the resident pachyderm.
“There was… the whole thing… with Tay. And… what he said to me.”
“Zac,” I said softly. “You don’t…”
“What?”
“It’s nothing,” I sighed, chickening out. “Don’t worry about it.”
“It’s not nothing,” he sighed back. “I saw the look on your face.”
“Really… I’m fine.” I looked anywhere but at him. Yeah, I’d said we needed to talk about it, but that didn’t mean I wanted to, or that I wasn’t going to try to dodge the hell out of it first.
“And you would say you were even if you weren’t, so I’m just gonna ignore that.”
“I said I’m fine, Zac,” I said again, getting a little agitated. I was being childish, I knew, but I didn’t want to go through the emotional bullshit again.
“Carrick… I know I can’t fix this, okay? I can’t make you unhear that, and I can’t make it untrue.”
“I know,” I snapped, more harshly than I meant to. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; getting mad wasn’t going to do any good. I knew Zac wasn’t trying to rub it in, even though the words stung like lemon juice in a papercut. “I know,” I tried again, slowly. “I know, and I know neither of you meant to… to… Like I said, it’s not perfect. But I live with it.”
“Well maybe that’s not enough for me. It can’t be perfect, but I want you to do more than just live with it.”
“What do you want me to say?” For once, I dropped the chill pretense, and let him see whatever there was to see in my expression. “You two forgot I was there. You’re his, and he’s yours. And where does that leave me? The pet?”
I stared at Zac, laying it all out. I’d always been so careful to guard my emotions for his benefit, but I was too tired to do it anymore.
“It… okay, I realize how bad that must look. Especially after… Christmas morning…”
I looked away, really not in the mood to relive that scene.
“And Carrick, I’m sorry. I got caught up in thinking this would just be fun and hot, and it was, but… it’s more complicated than that, and I realize that now.”
“I know.” I kept my eyes down, but nodded slowly. “I know how you meant it. And I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for. Except for chewing on Boba Fett,” he added under his breath, and I smirked, looking up at him again.
“What can I say? Guess I’m just a bad boy.”
Yeah,” he said, giggling. “But I love you anyway.”
“I know babe,” I said softly. I held my hand out for a moment, then laid it over Zac’s. “I love you too.”
“And you are not just our pet.” He sighed, and chewed his lip. I was so ready to be done with this conversation, and moving on to better, hopefully happier things, but I could sense Zac had more to say. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be worse than what had already been said… as far as I could guess. But whatever it was, I would listen; I could never say no to him, no matter what.
Like I said… selfless to a fault.
Zac
I had brought Carrick here to talk. It had been my idea. But now that I was trying to talk, the words weren’t coming as easily as I had hoped. I took a moment to compose myself and try to figure out where to begin. Eventually, I realized that I had to go back farther than our little “play date” the other day.
“It’s just…” I began, then sighed. “What I told Tay on Christmas morning?”
Carrick gave me what I supposed was meant to be an encouraging nod.
“Look… I’m not gonna tell you that I was just telling Tay what he wants to hear. ‘Cause you wouldn’t believe me, and I know this wouldn’t work if I went around just telling you guys whatever you wanted to hear. But the truth is… the thought of leaving you… hurts. A lot. I don’t think I could. But I don’t think I could leave Tay either.”
As I spoke, my eyes drifted lower, unable to meet Carrick’s. Still, through my eyelashes, I could see him nodding again as he replied, “I know.”
“What I’m trying to say is…” I continued, “if I ever did leave one of you, either one… I don’t think it could be totally my choice.”
Carrick didn’t say anything, and I couldn’t even detect any movement from him. He was forcing me too look at him, I figured, I couldn’t see that I had any other choice. I raised my head slowly and watched as Carrick reached out to grasp the hand that had been playing with my napkin, tearing it into nervous little shreds.
“Some days,” he said softly, brushing his thumb along the top of my hand, “it hurts more than others. I’ve had days when I’ve thought about… about leaving. Leaving you two to be happy together.”
“Carrick…” My lip was quivering so pathetically that I could barely even get his name out. I couldn’t cry here. Not in Mexicali. They knew me here; being seen here with Carrick just a few months ago would have been more uncomfortable than I could have handled, but I had few secrets left at this point.
“Just… let me get this out, okay?” He asked, not meeting my eyes.
I nodded.
He chewed on his lip before proceeding. “I tell myself, I can’t do it, because it would hurt you too much. But the truth is… I know I seem like I ooze confidence, like nothing ever bothers me. The truth is, I can’t leave. I just… can’t. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Probably just… nothing.”
By the time he was finished, his lip was quivering too, and I struggled to think of a single other time I had seen him so close to tears. Carrick didn’t do tears; hell, until a few months ago I wasn’t even sure he did emotions. But he did. Because of me. Softly, I asked, “Carrick… can I talk now?”
He looked up and gave me a weak smile that might have been a little bit fake, and nodded. There were tears in the corners of his eyes.
“I… I love you so much. I don’t think you even realize how much being with you… how much you helped me. Like, and this is so lame to say, I know, but you… make me better.”
His smile increased marginally, and I didn’t think it looked so fake anymore.
“I mean, seriously. Sexuality aside, am I even remotely the Zac you knew a year ago? I’m still me, but… you gotta admit, this is a better me.”
That earned me a smirk.
“And it was you… being with you… that really helped.”
“Tay helped too,” Carrick said softly. “Hell, he started it.”
I nodded. “I know, but… it’s different. And that’s the thing. You’re both so different. And you both do such different things to me. I mean—not like that But, well…”
Carrick smirked as I blushed and tried to backpedal away from what was turning into a sexual train of thought. “I know what you mean, though.”
“It’s just… you’re not an afterthought, Carrick. You and Tay are both… part of me. Part of who I am now. And just because you’re different parts, that doesn’t mean that I want to try to live without either of you.”
His head tilted to the side a bit as he smiled at me.
“What?” I asked, curious what he was thinking.
“Nothing,” he said. “Just… I can see one thing Tay’s helped you with.”
“What’s that?”
“Just… talking. Talking about stuff. The way he talks… it’s always so poetic, ya know?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, nodding and smiling.
“You’re started to be like that, too,” Carrick concluded.
I felt myself blushing. “Am I?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I like it.”
“I think… I think I like it, too,” I replied. Because I couldn’t resist the opportunity for a joke, I added, “Just as long as I don’t start dressing like him.”
Carrick snorted. “Please, it’s a little late for that. How many times have you borrowed his jeans?”
Well, that wasn’t a fair question. Tay and I had always shared clothes, especially when on tour. Lately, with three of us “bachelors” in one house, it was hard to tell where one guy’s wardrobe ended and another began.
“Not that I’m complaining,” Carrick added when I hadn’t replied in what he deemed an appropriate length of time.
“That’s… but that’s just jeans,” I sputtered out. “When I start borrowing his scarves, stop me. Please.”
Carrick laughed, but not for long. The sounded faded away and was replaced with a deep sigh. I watched curiously as he fiddled with the wrapper from his straw. A strange smirk—and it was saying a lot to call something strange by Carrick standards—crossed his lips as he hid his hands and the straw wrapper under the table.
“Carrick… what are you doing?” I asked, and he just stared at me.
A moment later, he lifted one hand, closed tightly in a fist, back to the table.
“Carrick…”
He cleared his throat and opened his hand, revealing that he had made some sort of silly little piece of “art” out of the straw wrapper. Only it wasn’t just something random. It was a ring of sorts, with the ragged ends of the paper tied into a bow on top. The look in his eyes told me this wasn’t meant to be just any ring. Even so, a joke fell from my lips before I could stop myself.
“I’m sure they have nicer rings in the quarter machines out front.” I smiled.
“Zac…” He rolled his eyes. A faint blush crossed his cheeks.
“Yes, baby?”
“I hope you’re not expecting me to get down on my knee for ya.”
I smirked. “Well, not in the middle of a restaurant.”
Carrick just sighed, obviously losing patience with me.
“I’m sorry,” I replied, giggling.
He glanced around, probably starting to feel self-conscious about the fact that we were in public. Self-conscious. Was that even possible for Carrick? The bright red blush on his said it was. Softly, so that I wasn’t even sure I had heard him correctly, he mumbled, “Marryme.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” I was smiling so hard my cheeks actually hurt.
“You are such an ass,” Carrick replied.
“Well, you’re being all serious today. I had to pick up the slack.” Nevertheless, I forced myself to make a serious face. It wasn’t easy, and I had a feeling it probably looked more like constipated.
After a moment’s pause, Carrick gave a deep sigh. He yanked his wallet out of his pocket and threw a few bills on the table without even looking at the check that had been delivered a few minutes ago. He stuffed his wallet back into his pocket, stood and grabbed my arm, yanking me a little roughly out of my chair.
He pulled me along, all the way through the restaurant, out of the lobby where the quarter machines stood and through the parking lot until we reached my truck. He shoved me up against it, finally letting go of my arm, and lowered himself to one knee.
“Damn, you made me rip your ring,” he said, holding up the tatters of what he had attempted to pass off as an engagement ring.
I chuckled. This was all so ridiculous. A straw wrapper ring? A proposal right in the middle of the Mexicali dining room, then another in the parking lot?
“Guess I’ll just have to use this one instead,” Carrick said.
I had no idea what he meant until I realized his hand was in his pocket… pulling out a little black box. He flipped it open and revealed a plain silver band. It was nothing like the one Taylor had given me, but it didn’t matter. Comparisons between the two of them were irrelevant, and this ring meant just as much to me as Taylor’s had. Hell, even the straw wrapper would have, even if it had seemed like an impulse move or a joke. But this wasn’t a joke. This was something he had planned, and that realization left me stuttering incoherently.
“It’s not as pretty, I know,” Carrick said. I thought he was referring to Tay’s ring until he added, “The other one had a bow and everything.”
“It’s beautiful,” I replied. “But… you… are you shitting me right now?”
He took my hand in his. With a soft smile on his lips, he said, “Zac… I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
“And I’m not asking you to choose,” he continued. “Just to give me an equal shot. So… what do you say?”
I tilted my head to the side and affected what I hoped was a thoughtful look. As if I actually needed to consider my answer. After a long pause, I said, “Well… I guess.”
Carrick gave me a playful shove, but his smirk soon faded. His eyes on mine, he slipped the ring onto my finger. Tears started to gather in my stupid, emotion-betraying eyes.
“Just to make it official,” Carrick said. Softly, he asked, “Zac Hanson… will you marry me?”
“Yes… of course!” I practically squealed, having abandoned all pretense of being a mature, adult male.
A tear slipped from Carrick’s eyes so I knew I at least wasn’t alone in my patheticness. I grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him to his feet, crushing his lips to mine. He didn’t even hesitate before returning the kiss with just as much fervor.
When I finally needed to come up for breath, I said, “You are un-fucking-believable, you know that?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, a soft laugh falling from his lips. “You know you love me.”
“I do,” I replied. “I really, really do. And I don’t even care that we kinda have an audience right now.”
As I said the last, I nodded toward the restaurant lobby. A few people waiting on tables had indeed gathered by the large window. Carrick followed my nod and gave the crowd a thumbs up. To my surprise, given that we were in a reddest of red states where Carrick’s proposal couldn’t even lead to anything legal, a few of them clapped and cheered.
If I hadn’t been one hundred percent publicly out before this, I supposed that had sealed the day. The story would probably be on the internet within the hour. And as I looked back at Carrick—my fiance—all I could do was giggle.
“Come on, babe,” he said, giving me a quick peck on the lips. “Let’s go home.”
“Okay,” I replied.
There was more I needed to do at the studio, even aside from monitoring the gossip, but I found that I didn’t care at all. I wasn’t foolish enough to think a ring solved all of the problems and insecurities that plagued our relationship, but it was good enough for me.