Carrick
I’ve always been known as a pretty laid back guy, easy-going, terminally chill, even. Nothing gets me flustered, nothing gets under my skin. It’s mostly true; I try to go with the flow, because what good is stress? All it does is get in the way. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think, and it doesn’t mean I don’t care. For the past couple days, I’d been thinking about what happened Christmas morning.
Everything Zac and Tay said was running on a loop in my head. No one could argue this was a weird situation, like balancing on a three-person see-saw. Was I throwing things off-balance? I just wanted Zac to be happy; if sticking around was getting in the way of that… You know what they say about when you love something. I’d always put his needs first, and always would. Still, a part of me wanted to be just a little selfish, just this once, and not let him go.
“Hey, want to take a break from the game?” Zac walked into the living room carrying a couple sandwiches; I smiled and paused my game.
“Sure thing, babe. What’s on the menu today, chef?” I gave him a smirk as I took my plate and scooted over to give him room.
“Just ham and cheese. Best I could do.”
“My favorite.” I took a bite and watched him; he was being quiet, chewing slowly. He was putting on his best ‘normal’ face, which was usually reserved for bad news. “So what’s up?”
“Who says anything’s up?” He answered immediately.
“No one… but you look like something’s on your mind.” I waited a beat, and sure enough he let out a sigh.
“Yeah… Well it’s just, you know, what happened Christmas morning…”
“Yeah… I was thinking about that.”
“You overheard all of it, huh?”
I nodded, watching his expression fall. I almost wished I could play dumb, or tell him it was fine, or whatever he wanted to hear. But it was time to deal with it, one way or another.
“T-the sex, and… when we were talking afterward, too?”
“Yeah. Did you want to talk about it?” I placed a hand on his knee, not sure which of us I was trying to comfort.
“It’s just… I had no idea Taylor felt that jealous or left out or whatever. I should have known, but I didn’t.”
“I feel bad too,” I said with a slight frown. “I’m sorry, Zac. I really am.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I guess…” I shrugged, but I still felt at least partly responsible. Not just for that morning, but for the whole mess we were in.
“And I… I don’t want to end this triad thing,” Zac went on, softly. “I really don’t.”
“Neither do I.”
“If it would make Taylor happy…” He sighed, but didn’t finish the thought. Not that he needed to. “But it wouldn’t make me happy.”
“Look, I was thinking.” I took a breath; Zac looked up at me, his eyes wide with worry. “I’m gonna go visit some friends for a few days. Give you guys some space.”
“Just for a few days?” He asked, and I could’ve kissed him for it. For better or worse, he still wanted me here, and I was just too damn weak to say no.
“I’ll be back for New Year’s, don’t worry,” I answered with a smile.
“Okay. You had me worried there.”
“I just think you guys need some time.” I watched him process the words; after a minute he nodded.
“That might help, yeah. I’ll miss you, though.”
I smiled again and reached out to touch his cheek. How’d I get so lucky, goofy lanky nerd that I was, to have someone like him care about me so much?
“You know I’ll miss you too. But you need this. And maybe…” I took a deep breath and let my hand fall back to my lap. “Maybe you guys should talk.”
“I was actually kinda planning that. I was gonna surprise him tonight, cook him dinner and everything. I mean, I’m not trying to win him over with food, but I figure it couldn’t hurt. The way to a man’s heart and all,” he finished with a smirk.
“Zac… seriously. If you decide that this… isn’t working… I just want you to know, I’m still going to be your friend. No matter what.”
“I know,” Zac moped. “I just really want to figure out how to make this work. I thought it was going well. You and Tay were getting closer… It really does make me happy to see you two together like that.”
“Yeah?” I raised an eyebrow; I’d been curious why he got such a kick out of it.
“Yeah… I thought maybe if you guys were getting closer like that, it would make this work better, you know? That way I’m not just in the middle.”
I nodded; I could see the logic behind what he was saying. There was just one problem.
“Well the thing is, you guys come first in each other’s hearts. You guys are the real deal, true love… soul mates, even.”
“Yeah… I guess we are,” Zac agreed with a weak smile. “But t-that doesn’t mean I don’t…” he paused, and I could see his eyes misting a bit. “Love you so much,” he continued, quietly. “So fucking much.”
“I know, babe.” I had to swallow past the growing lump in my throat. “But if you had to choose, not that either one of us would ever make you, but if you had to… I know it wouldn’t be me. And I’m okay with that.”
“Are you really okay with it though?” he asked. Again, the tiny selfish part of me wanted to answer ‘fuck no, I want you to be mine and I want to be yours’ but I shoved him back down where he belonged. Zac pouted. “I just want you both to be happy…”
“I know you do. You know me Zac.” I gave him my patented smirk, but it didn’t come as easily as usual. “I’m always happy.”
“Yeah… We’ll make this work. I’ll find a way.”
“Okay. But if you don’t… don’t feel too bad, okay? Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
“But I’m so good at beating myself up,” Zac sighed; I threw an arm around him and pulled him close.
“That’s my job,” I whispered, biting his ear. He giggled, but then pulled back, his expression serious.
“But you know how stubborn I am. I’m gonna make this work. I’m gonna make both my boys happy.”
I smiled, and ran a hand through his hair. He was so good, so selfless; again I wondered what I’d done right. I leaned closer to kiss him.
“I know,” I whispered against his lips. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Zac
Sometimes I wondered if Carrick really does everything on a whim, at the last second, or if he planned it all out in his mind in secret before letting anyone else in on the plan. It was probably the latter, but it still took me by surprise every time he let me in on one of his plans mere hours before executing it. In this case, the plan involved me driving him to the airport before I picked up the last few things I needed to surprise Taylor with a romantic dinner.
What I had planned to cook wasn’t too difficult; I had watched both Kate (who usually cooked from a box) and Taylor make chicken fettuccine, so I was pretty sure I could manage it. To go with it, I had a salad and some wine that the clerk assured me would be perfect. I think he was flirting with me a little, but he was cute, so I didn’t really mind. It all came together pretty quickly and easily, and I was just lighting a few candles to set the mood when I heard Taylor walking in from the garage.
“Zac?” he asked, peering around the corner.
“Yeah?”
He stepped fully into the room, surveyed it, and smiled. “What is all this?”
“Dinner?” I suggested.
Taylor laughed lightly. “I can see that.”
“I thought…” I began, trying to find the right words. “I thought you and me needed some time alone…”
Taylor just walked over and wrapped his arms around me, a small smile on his lips. That made me think that maybe I had done something right.
“So, it’s just you and me tonight,” I continued. “Well, for a few days, actually.”
“Oh?” Taylor asked, his eyes growing wide.
“Yeah,” I replied. “Carrick, umm, decided to go back to Cali for a while. Just for a few days.”
“I see.” Taylor nodded. “So just us, huh?”
“Yup,” I replied. With a sheepish smile, I added, “Just us and my cooking.”
“Hmm, thought I smelled something…” Taylor commented, and I was relieved that he didn’t say he smelled something bad. Normally I wouldn’t mind his teasing, because I knew I really was a horrible cook, but right then I was so nervous about getting everything right that I didn’t think I could handle even a little good natured ribbing.
“I made chicken fettuccine,” I admitted, feeling my face heating up.
“My favorite!” Taylor practically squealed and planted a wet kiss on my lips.
“I can’t guarantee it’s edible, but the wine is pretty good.”
Taylor just smiled. “This is really nice, Zac. Thank you.”
“I just wanted to do something special for you…”
He reached out to touch my cheek. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to,” I replied, grinning a little. “Besides, you cook for me all the time. You deserved a break.”
“Well, thank you,” Taylor said, laughing a little, but I could tell it was with me, rather than at me.
He took a seat at the table and watched me curiously while I poured our wine and served him first before taking my own seat. Once I’d sat down, I let out a nervous laugh. “Hopefully it won’t make us both violently ill.”
“I think I’ll survive,” Taylor replied, laughing.
He would indulge my jokes, but he would never complain even if the meal really was that bad, I knew. Sometimes I wished he would tell me how he really felt about things, especially things that bothered him. Then we wouldn’t get into situations like Christmas morning, when all his feelings bubble up to the surface until he can’t hold them in. This dinner was a bit of a peace offering, and also, I hoped, an opportunity for us to get a new start.
We ate in silence for a moment before either of us spoke again. The first to break the silence was Taylor, who let out a groan as his eyes fluttered shut. “God, Zac. This is excellent.”
“Yeah?” I asked, almost in disbelief. It was good enough for me, but Taylor was the chef of the family; I knew his tastes were more discerning.
Taylor nodded and smiled at me, something like pride on his face.
“You’re gonna make me cook more often now, aren’t you?”
He just smirked and nodded.
I chuckled. “I think I can live with that.”
Taylor just smiled at me again and sipped his wine. Neither of us said anything else until we were finished, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence.
“Wow, Zac,” Taylor said as he pushed his chair back. “That was amazing.”
I swallowed the last of my wine, blushing a little. “Well, you deserved it.”
It was Tay’s turn to blush then.
“Seriously,” I said. “I wanted us to have a nice night together. I wanted to do something special for you.”
Taylor bit his lip, probably considering the reason why I felt like I owed him something special, then finally said softly, “Thank you.”
He stared at me for a moment, his eyes drifting lower to the hand that held my wine glass. I had taken the ring he gave me–a Claddagh, it was called, according to Wikipedia–off its chain and put it on my finger for the occasion. When that dawned on Taylor, he smiled, and I smiled back briefly.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For making you feel left out and everything.”
“No, Zac,” Taylor replied, his own smile falling. “Don’t apologize, please. I know you didn’t mean to. I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward position like that. I promised I wouldn’t make you choose.”
“But you can’t help it if you feel left out or jealous, though. That’s kinda natural.”
Taylor just shrugged and sipped his wine, not meeting my eyes.
“Tay,” I said. “I just want you to be happy. You know that, right?”
He finally glanced up. “I know. And I want you to be happy.”
“But I want… us to be happy. All of us. And I know I need to… I dunno, be better or whatever.” The sentence got away from me a bit, and I knew it wasn’t eloquent at all, but I hoped Taylor understood what I meant.
He pouted. “No. You… you’re fine.”
“But I’m like… in the middle of you two, you know? And there’s really only so much of me to go around.”
Tay gave me a tiny smile. “We’ll make it work, Zac. I’ll make it work. For you.”
“Don’t you dare just tell me you’re happy because you think it’s what I want to hear, okay?” The words were threatening, but I doubted the pout on my face was.
“I… I wasn’t…” Taylor stuttered out, his eyes wide.
“I know,” I said, and I believed him. Right then, at least, he was happy. “I’m just saying; don’t do it. I want to know if you’re upset, and preferably before I end up bent over a couch again.”
Taylor rolled his eyes, but smiled–guiltily. “So… you didn’t enjoy that?”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer,” I replied, rolling my own eyes. Taylor just giggled. “But seriously, Tay. I want you to be happy. And I want you to be really happy, not just telling me that you are.”
“Okay.” Taylor nodded. “Maybe… maybe we can have some time for just us every now and then? Like, a date night, kind of?”
“I think that’s a great idea,” I replied. With a grin, I added, “And I can practice my cooking.”
Tay smiled and nodded again. “I think that would help.”
“The practice?” I asked, smirking.
He shook his head. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I do.”
“I love you so much, Zac.”
“Love you too, Taylor.”
He stood up, plucking my hand from my wine glass and twining our fingers together.
“Going somewhere?” I asked, smiling up at him.
He returned my smile. “I think I need to make up for Christmas morning.”
“With more sex?” I asked. “Sounds good to me.”
Tay just laughed and yanked me out of my chair. Once I was on my feet in front of him, he pulled me against him and crushed our lips together. I tangled my fingers in his hair and deepened the kiss, swirling my tongue around his and tasting the sweetness of the wine on it.
A moment later, Tay sighed and pulled back. “Upstairs?”
“Definitely,” I replied. Grabbing the wine, our glasses and a few of the candles, I motioned to the stairs. “After you.”