Carrick
So things were going… well enough, I guess. Really good, actually. Sure, there were times when I remembered what my place was in this arrangement, but that wasn’t anyone’s fault. And we had fun, both the dirty kind and the not-so-dirty. Tay was fun to tease; even though we’d established there was something between us, he still acted all shy about it whenever I did anything. It was cute, really, not to mention hot. And Zac, of course… well, I was just trying to enjoy the ride. It’s not that I doubted his feelings; I just knew I couldn’t change them. Not that I’d ever be selfish enough to try.
A couple weeks after Halloween, I awoke to Zac’s ass grinding against me, and the smell of coffee and bacon. Not a bad way to start the day, if you ask me. I smiled, burying my face in Zac’s neck and covering it with kisses. I heard him moan softly, so I gripped his hips and rocked mine against him; that got a louder reaction, and I chuckled as he arched his back and pressed against me. I’d just reached into his boxers and wrapped a hand around his dick when Tay’s voice drifted up the stairs.
“Zac! Carrick! Breakfast!”
Sometimes I almost wanted to hate him.
“Whose dumb idea was it to have breakfast in the morning?” I grumbled, untangling myself from Zac and sitting up.
“I don’t know, but I’m blaming Taylor.” He turned over and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back down. I stretched lazily, then leaned down to nip at his ear, earning a breathy moan. “So… breakfast in bed? Think Taylor will mind?”
“Come on guys,” said brother hollered before I could answer. “Put it away and get down here.”
“I haven’t even gotten it out yet!” Zac whined. “You ruin all my fun, Tay.” He smirked up at me, nuzzling my side, and I was seriously tempted to say screw Taylor and his breakfast… in that order. But Zac’s stomach growled, and he looked up at me sheepishly; I let out a heavy sigh and tossed the sheets aside. Zac knew I couldn’t resist that face. I made a mental note to make Taylor pay for the interruption later.
After my third waffle, I decided to forgive him.
“So,” he said after we’d cleaned our plates, “As you know, today is Ike’s birthday, and the whole family is throwing a party. I need you two to keep him busy until we’re ready.”
“Well that sounds like a ton of fun,” Zac grumbled, and I laughed.
“Babysitting? Seriously?”
“I thought you could take him to the studio. Zac never did play those demos for you, did he?” Tay raised an eyebrow at me, and I probably should’ve felt sorry, but all I could do was snicker. Zac looked down, though, blushing.
“Sorry about that…”
“It’s okay,” Taylor said, also blushing. “Ancient history. But seriously, take him to the studio. Tell him… tell him you want to go over the drum fills again, or… or…”
“Not the best at this, is he?” I half-whispered to Zac; he just laughed and shook his head.
“Ike will probably die of shock if I suggest we work on music, considering how long it’s been. Not the best plan at all.”
“Well I don’t know!” Tay snapped with an exasperated sigh. “Just… think of something? Please?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Zac leaned toward Tay and smiled sweetly, in a way that made my stomach turn just a little. “We’ll take care of it, I promise. Don’t you trust us?”
“Yeah yeah… you know I do.” The two of them shared a moment, and I took that moment to wipe the syrup from my plate with a finger and lick it off. “Okay, so dinner’s at seven. It’s…” He paused to check his watch. “Eleven now, so you’ve only got… eight hours.”
“Oh, is that all?” I teased, rolling my eyes.
“Should be a cinch.” Zac grinned, giving his brother a thumbs up. Tay stood up and gave him a kiss.
“Great. I need to get going, but I’ll see you guys tonight, okay?” He turned to me and gave me a shy peck on the cheek, then blushed and turned away.
“Aww,” Zac cooed. “See you later, baby.”
As bad as Tay was with Zac, it didn’t hurt when he threw a little affection my way. And it was only fair to return the favor; like the playful ass slap I gave him on the way out.
Zac
There was just no way this was going to work. Don’t get me wrong; I love Taylor’s enthusiasm. Watching him get so involved in organizing things is just fun, although it does make me wonder if he doesn’t have a second career in the works as a party planner. And because I love him, I’m willing to at least try to do what he asks of me.
Our office was empty when I unlocked the door and ushered Carrick in. I guess most of our employees, being family or in-laws, are part of Taylor’s plan. While Carrick went on ahead of me into the studio, flipping on the lights as he went, I pulled out my cell phone and scrolled through my address book until I found Ike’s number. Here goes nothing, I thought to myself as I pressed call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, umm, it’s Zac,” I said, clearing my throat. “I was just thinking… I have this really, really cool idea for that song we were working on, that one with you on lead? So I was just hoping you could come down to the studio and maybe… I dunno, we can work on it?”
I had walked on into the studio as I spoke. Carrick was sitting at the piano, plucking a few keys mindlessly. He glanced up and raised an eyebrow at me as he heard my pathetic attempt at luring Ike to the studio. As I waited for Ike to reply, I flipped Carrick off.
“Not really how I planned on spending my birthday, to be honest,” he said. “Can it really not wait?”
I ignored the way Carrick licked his lips, trying not to let it fill my mind with dirty images that I really didn’t need while I was on the phone with Ike. “Well, it’s just… you know, we’re really behind where we need to be on this album, and I’m just really feeling it today, so… I figured, why wait? I mean, it would be nice if we put another album out eventually, don’t you think?”
Isaac gave a long sigh. “Way to lay on a guilt trip, Zac. Just let me grab a quick shower and I’ll be there. But this better be good.”
“Oh, it’ll be something,” I replied, laughing weakly. I almost couldn’t believe he had taken the bait. “See ya soon, Ike.”
“New song, huh?” Carrick smirked.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket and glared at Carrick. “Fuck you. No, it’s this one we were working on months ago. Never really got far with it, but it was kinda cool. And now I guess I better come up with… something… for it.”
Carrick laughed and sped up his playing a bit, still just sort of messing around and not playing any song that I recognized. “Better think fast…”
“You know, you’re a bastard,” I replied. Whatever Carrick was playing, I liked the sound of it, so I sat down at my drums, pulled a set of sticks out of the bag and tried to find a beat. Carrick quickly picked it up, and soon we were making up a new song. “We should write together again, you know that? It’s been a while.”
“Yeah, sure,” he replied, nodding. With a wink, he added, “You’ve got me pretty inspired.”
I snorted. “Bet we could write something even raunchier than Even When You’re Gone now.”
“I guess,” he replied, shrugging.
Unsure why that didn’t amuse him like it did me, I gave him a little smirk and said, “Maybe I’ll just write something about you. How about that?”
That earned me a smile. “I think I’d like that.”
“Yeah?” I smiled wider. “Then I’ll definitely do it.”
“Zac?” Isaac called out, materializing out of thin air in the doorway.
Carrick grinned. “Hey, Ike!”
In surprise at his sudden appearance, I dropped one of my sticks. “Oops! Hey, Ike.”
Carrick laughed at my clumsiness, and I shot him a glare. Isaac blinked a few times, looking a little confused, and I supposed he had a reason to be. In my phone call to him, I hadn’t mentioned Carrick at all.
“Oh, hey,” Ike finally replied. “I didn’t realize you were going to be here, too. You’re back in Tulsa for a while, huh?”
Carrick grinned at me, then turned back to Ike. “You could say that…”
I watched Isaac’s brow furrow slightly in confusion. His glance shifted back to me. “So, you had an idea, huh? For what, Nothing On Me?”
“Umm, yeah,” I replied, laughing nervously. I spun my drumstick idly; it was a habit I’d developed whenever I was bored or thinking. “I was thinking, maybe uh… speed it up a little? Or add a little funk?”
Carrick smirked at me, but saw fit to at least keep his mouth shut. I was sure it had to be painful for him.
Isaac nodded slowly. “Well… maybe. We can give it a try. Hey, where’s Tay?”
“Umm, he,” I stuttered out. “He had daddy duty today.”
“That, and I think we were getting a little much for him.” Carrick gave me a wink.
“Now that I can believe.” Ike chuckled.
I looked at Carrick, horrified, then at Ike. Then back to Carrick. It was a fairly subtle comment, but it still made Isaac laugh. I wasn’t sure if he knew why he was laughing at it, though.
Ike cleared his throat. “Well, anyway, I did kind of want to take another crack at the vocals on that one. Especially that second verse. If you don’t mind, I’ll go ahead and give them another go?”
“Yeah, sure… sounds good. Carrick can help me get the track cued up. Right, Carrick?” I stood up and gave him a pointed look, hoping he got the hint that we needed some privacy–such as in the control booth–to talk.
He gave me a sickeningly sweet smile that I didn’t believe or trust for a second. “Sure thing, babe.”
I hurried into the control booth, giving Carrick just enough time to get in the room before I pulled the door shut and locked it. I didn’t need another awkward interruption in the control booth like we’d had months ago, although I highly doubted this conversation would lead to us fooling around. My back was to Carrick while I found the right track and turned it up for Ike, making sure it was at the part he wanted. Once he was off and running, I spun back around to face Carrick.
“Really, Carrick? Really?”
He grinned. “What?”
“You know what you did,” I replied, crossing my arms.
“I know nothing.” Carrick gave me an innocent smile, or at least what passed for one coming from him.
“Well, ain’t that the truth?” I smirked in spite of the fact that I was a little upset with him.
Carrick gave Ike a thumbs up through the control booth window, then turned back to me. “If you don’t want me to say anything, fine.”
“It’s not that, really…” I sighed, trying to figure out how to explain what was wrong. “I mean, it’s probably time, you know? Now that you’re here… for good. But just saying stuff like that, especially mentioning Taylor…”
He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t say anything suspicious about Tay.”
“Well, it wasn’t that suspicious, but it’s a fine line…”
“Your brother being sick of watching you make out with your boyfriend?”
I huffed. Carrick wasn’t making this as easy as I hoped it would be. “Well, you and I know why he would get sick of that. And maybe not for the reason that Ike would think but… hell, Ike doesn’t even know you are my boyfriend.”
As I spoke, Carrick only looked more and more upset. Before I could take back my words and try to fix things, he replied, “Okay, so we won’t say anything. Sorry.”
“That’s not…” I began, pouting. Maybe being cute would help my case. “I mean, maybe we should tell him. I’ve been kinda thinking about it anyway. Maybe… maybe I’m ready to come out. I don’t know. How do you know if you’re ready?”
“When you can’t stand not telling the world who you’re with,” he replied, giving me a sad little smile.
I tilted my head to the side as I stared at Carrick. When he put it that way, it kind of made sense. A few months ago, thought of telling everyone the truth about my sexuality was terrifying. I knew I still couldn’t tell the world how I felt about Taylor, but how I felt about Carrick… well, that was different. Telling the world was still a little scary, but… “Well, didn’t I just say I was gonna write a song about you?”
Carrick’s smile widened. “Pretty sure that’s what you said…”
“Wouldn’t that kinda be telling the world? I mean, so I probably wouldn’t put your name in the song…” I paused and gave him a little nudge. “But I think maybe I can at least handle telling Ike.”
He glanced through the window at Ike, then took my hand in his. The song was just fading out, so I supposed it was now or never. With my free hand, I flipped on the mic to the recording booth.
“Hey, Ike?” I asked. “You wanna come in and listen to the playback? You sounded pretty good, if you ask me.”
Isaac scrunched up his nose. “You think so? I mean, I could probably still give it a few more takes…”
“Nah, man, you’re good,” Carrick said. “Come take a break.”
“Yeah, alright,” Ike replied, setting down his headphones and walking toward us.
I squeezed Carrick’s hand a little, then unlocked the door to let Isaac in. Even as I made my way back to the control board and turned on the playback, I didn’t let go of Carrick’s hand. As we stood together, trying to gauge Ike’s reaction both to us and to the song, I could feel Carrick’s smile even without turning my head to look at him. Ike’s arms were crossed and there was a tiny smirk on his face, and I didn’t know what to make of that at all.
As the song ended, I eyed Ike a little more nervously. “So, umm… I thought it was pretty good…”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, the smirk spreading across his face. “Not too bad.”
“I think the drum fill Zac was working on’ll sound great with it,” Carrick replied, still smiling at me.
I nudged him and gave him a bit of a glare. “Yeah, well… we can work on that in a minute. But umm, well I was kinda… I mean…”
Carrick chuckled, and I gave him a pout. Of course he wouldn’t make this easy for me.
“Well, it’s just… you know how you were saying you didn’t know Carrick was in town again?”
“Mhm,” he replied, arms still crossed.
“Well, he’s here to stay,” I continued. “Like, for good. F-forever… I hope. With me.”
For once, Carrick didn’t laugh or make any smartass comments. I supposed that meant he really was proud of me. At least, that was what the smile on his face seemed to say, and the soft kiss he pressed to the top of my head sent the same message. I leaned against Carrick and braced myself for what Ike’s reaction might be.
“So, you two got back together then?” The smirk on Ike’s face seemed to be turning into more of a smile.
Carrick gave a soft affirmative reply, but I was too shocked to answer right away. My eyes widened as I tried to process Ike’s words, and I finally managed to stutter out, “I… wha… you knew?!”
“Kate left you and he moved in. I can put two and two together, Zac.”
I frowned. “Well, thank you, Ike. You just ruined my coming out.”
Both Carrick and Ike laughed, and Ike replied, “I’m sure you’ll get plenty more chances. Not everybody figured it out right away.”
My frown, which hadn’t been all that serious before, deepened. “Do you think… do you think it’ll be okay? I mean, that everyone will be okay with it?”
Carrick wrapped one arm tightly around me. Even though he had no trouble being himself, he understood that it wasn’t so easy for me. Still, with him by my side, it was getting a little easier.
“I don’t know, Zac,” Isaac said softly. “But you know what? You’re happy. I can see that now. So everyone else can just deal with it if they don’t like it.”
It wasn’t like I really thought my brother was a homophobe, but his reply still shocked me. My last attempt at coming out hadn’t worked so well, although Kate had come around since then, so I suppose I just expected a lot more resistance at first. Then again, Ike was a perceptive guy. He had figured things out on his own and had time to adjust to the idea.
“Thanks, man,” Carrick replied for me while I was still dumbstruck. “I know it means a lot to him.”
“It does… it really does,” I replied, nodding. I took a moment to clear my throat and collect myself a bit, then asked, “So, umm, you wanna get back to work?”
Isaac gave me a sincere smile. “Yeah, sure. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
Now that my not-so climactic coming out was over, we all made our way back into the studio. I was still shocked that Ike had taken it so well. Maybe I didn’t know my oldest brother as well as I thought I did. Maybe I should have given him more credit.
With Carrick sitting in on piano, we sat down to work through Nothing On Me. I made a point of drawing things out, even messing up a few times, so that the process would take as long as possible. Once we had worked that song to death, I racked my brain for more songs we could practice on and fiddle with. We only took a short break for lunch, and after several hours, I could tell that Ike was getting antsy to leave. Try as I might, I just couldn’t keep him there any longer. We just didn’t have any more new songs to work on; we had been kind of negligent on the new album front over the last few months. Once we had exhausted all the new songs, what else could I do to keep Ike there?
Ike had started packing up his guitar, and I looked to Carrick for some guidance. He glanced up from his phone, where I assumed he was texting Taylor, and shook his head.
I sighed. I had better come up with something… and fast. “Hey, Ike, umm… Did I show you that email I got with the new t-shirt designs?”
“Weren’t we supposed to get those like a month ago?” Ike asked.
I shrugged; I was pretty sure the email had been sitting in my inbox for at least a month, but I’d had other things on my mind at the time. “I dunno, but I’ll pull it up on my computer in the office, and we’ll check them out. And Carrick can… uh… finish putting things away in here, please?”
At the last, I batted my eyelashes at Carrick and gave him the sweetest look I could manage. He shook his head, but nevertheless stood up.
“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. Leaning in closer to whisper in my ear, he said, “You just like making me bend over.”
I felt my face heating up, and I softly replied, “And I won’t even be in here to watch it… such a shame.”
“So, those emails?” Isaac interjected, a slightly fake looking smile plastered on his face. I guess Carrick and I had been louder than I thought.
Once we were in the office, Ike and I did look at that email–and I tried my best to hide the fact that it had, indeed, arrived in my inbox a month ago. We both had plenty more emails to check, since I wasn’t the only one neglecting band business lately, and that kept us occupied for a while. Just as Ike was telling me that he got word back from Sonic Ranch about our very tentative plans to record there, Carrick finally popped his head into the room.
“All packed,” he said. “I dunno about you guys, but I’m starving. Noms?”
“Sure, what are you thinking?” I asked, hoping to look and sound innocent and casual.
He shrugged. “I thought we could swing by the house. You know how much I love your mom’s cooking…”
Carrick threw in a wink to me that I hoped Ike didn’t notice. Putting on a persuasive, puppy dog eyed expression, I turned to Ike. “You wanna head over there too? I think I left another notebook with a song I wanted you to look at in the studio there anyway…”
“I guess, but not for long,” he replied. “I would like to spend some time with my wife and kids on my birthday, you know.”
“Oh, it’s your birthday?” Carrick said in mock surprise. “Zac, why didn’t you tell me!”
“I’m sure he’s mentioned it once or twice today…” I replied, smirking.
“Whatever, man.” Ike rolled his eyes. “Let’s just get going, huh? Now that you mention it, I haven’t had any of mom’s home cooking for a while, either…”
With that settled, we locked the studio up and headed out. It was a fairly long drive out of town and into the little suburb of sorts where our parents lived. Neither of us said much until we reached the outskirts of Tulsa.
“So, now Ike knows,” Carrick said. “How’s that feel?”
I shrugged, then slid a hand across the seat to grab Carrick’s. “Not really that different, to be honest. I guess… I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised that he figured it out. Hell, maybe they all did.”
“Feel like finding out?” Carrick asked. A quick glance his way revealed a smirk on his face.
“What are you suggesting, exactly?”
“Well, we’re showing up together, aren’t we? You wanna… show up together?”
I felt my lips twitch, a smile threatening to spread across them in spite of the butterflies stirring up in my stomach. “I guess… yeah, I think I can handle that. I mean, it’s not like the whole thing doesn’t have the potential to be a clusterfuck anyway, with Taylor planning it.”
“I’ll say.” Carrick laughed. “I’ll be surprised if he didn’t hire a DJ and a bartender.”
I snickered. “Nah, he’s probably playing DJ. And you know Ike would just take over for the bartender anyway.”
“Yeah…” Carrick agreed.
We both fell silent then. We could joke around, but it was a big deal to walk into this party as a couple. After the way my marriage to Kate had exploded, I had stayed away from my family a lot. They had varying opinions, none positive, about the institution of divorce, and I had done plenty of other things besides that for them to disapprove of if they knew. It was just easiest to hide away and try to protect them from my life. But I couldn’t hide forever, and I didn’t want to hide anymore. This was me, and as Ike had pointed out, it was the happiest me I had been in years. Why should I hide that?
Minutes later, I pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house. Ike was already parked and just getting out of his SUV. I stepped out of my truck and shot Carrick a big, but nervous, smile as he stepped out and rounded the front to stand next to me. He glanced at Ike, who was already halfway up the walkway, then grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“You ready?” He asked.
And I was.