Zac
Around two months after Taylor moved in with me, my divorce from Kate was finalized. Things were going surprisingly well for all of us, with Kate even relaxing a little bit about my parenting skills. We didn’t have a formal custody arrangement; we were civil enough with each other to just decide when the kids would stay with who without planning anything very far in advance. One weekend in October, it was my turn, so I stopped by her apartment on my drive home from the studio. We hadn’t been recording that day, but I needed to put the finishing touches on our Halloween song for the fanclub. Once that was done, I had just enough time to pick up the kids before I knew Taylor would have dinner ready.
I knocked lightly on Kate’s door and a few seconds later she answered. She smiled at me politely, but there was an obvious distance between us now, one that I knew would stay there forever.
“Hello, Zachary,” she said. “Come on in.”
“Hey…” I replied, giving her a nervous smile. I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I followed her into the apartment. It was in the same building we’d lived in just after getting married and was nearly identical to that unit, so I knew my way around, but it just felt strange to be there for so many reasons.
Kate led the way toward the dining room, which was less a room than a corner of the living room separated from it by a short wall. It wasn’t really even big enough for anything but a table, and at that moment, the table was occupied by both of our children… and what appeared to be a birthday cake.
“Surprise!” Shepherd and Junia shouted in almost perfect unison.
I felt my nervous smile widening into a genuine smile as I realized it was, in fact, a birthday cake for me. With everything going on in my personal life and with the band lately, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that my birthday was only a few days away, but obviously Kate and the kids had. I took a few steps closer and watched as Kate lit the candles. In big, blue block letters, the cake read “HAPPY BDAY DADDY!” I had a feeling that was Shepherd’s handiwork.
“You know you’re a little early…” I said as Kate lit the last candle.
She stepped back to stand next to me, her voice soft as she said, “They wanted you to have cake, and I wasn’t sure if… well, I had a box on hand, so…”
“No, it’s great! You know I like any cake,” I replied honestly. Kate’s words were a little less than friendly, but I didn’t mind that she didn’t put in that much effort for me. She didn’t need to anymore. I turned back to the kids and added, “Thanks, guys.”
“Make a wish and blow out the candles, Daddy!” Shepherd said. Junia punctuated his sentence with a wet noise that I realized was her attempt to mimic blowing out the candles but which sounded more like she was blowing a raspberry.
“I’ll just get some plates…” Kate mumbled, walking off toward the kitchen.
I giggled at Junia’s attempt at a joke and picked her up. “You wanna help Daddy blow out the candles?”
She giggled too, and I held her closer to the cake so she could reach. Luckily, she didn’t spit all over it as she made a very serious attempt to help me blow out the candles. I blew extra hard since I was sure she wouldn’t be much help. Like Shepherd said, I tried to think of a wish to make, but I came up with nothing. I had everything I wanted. Well, nearly everything. With the candles out, I sat Junia back down and sighed softly.
A few seconds later, Kate walked back in with a few small plates. She carefully cut pieces of cake for the kids. Once their plates and forks were in hand, Kate said, “Why don’t you go eat in the living room? Just don’t spill any, okay?”
Naturally, they both took off running so quickly that it was a wonder that no cake went flying across the room. Kate always had a strict no food in the living room policy, so the rare occasions when she broke that rule were worth celebrating. I couldn’t help but laugh as Junia waddled off, the plate of cake practically bouncing.
Once the kids were out of sight and earshot, I turned back to Kate and said, “Seriously, thanks. I know you didn’t have to make me a cake or anything.”
“It was nothing.” She shrugged, not looking at me as she picked the candles out of the cake and sat them on a napkin. With a slight sigh, she added, “So… how are you?”
I picked up a candle and licked the frosting off it, giving Kate a shrug. “I’m alright. We’re finally starting to work on the new album, so… that’s good…”
Kate nodded, her eyes finally landing on me. She watched me lick the candle for a moment, and I was sure she was going to chastise me for doing something so childish. She didn’t, though. She just cleared her throat, stood up a little straighter, and asked, “And… Carrick?”
“I, umm…” I stuttered out, the now clean candle falling from my fingers. “I haven’t… really talked to him for a while…”
“Oh? I thought…” Kate tilted her head to the side, then shook it. “Nevermind.”
My brow furrowed, wondering what Kate was leaving unsaid and if she really didn’t know what had happened in my life over the last few months. “No, he… he’s back in California.”
Kate eyed me closely. “Is everything… alright?”
“Are you actually concerned?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, that sounds harsh, but…”
Kate winced, her back stiffening even more as she continued picking up the napkins and candles. “Not for nothing, but I was your wife for six years. So excuse me for caring.”
At that, Kate spun around and walked into the kitchen. From her posture and her speed, I could tell she was upset with me. I hadn’t intended that at all, and I dropped my head to the table in frustration. After the way Kate had exploded at me and accused me of horrible things because of my sexuality, I had no reason to expect her to actually care that Carrick had left me. I didn’t expect her to be happy that I’d had my heart broken, but I also didn’t expect just a few months to have changed her feelings about my sexuality so much that she could actually commiserate.
I raised my head and looked at the cake in front of me. Even if it was just from a box, Kate had baked it for me. That showed some amount of care. And it was my favorite flavor, caramel with cream cheese frosting, so maybe she was lying about just having it lying around.
I suddenly found myself very hungry, but I knew I needed to make amends before I ate the cake. Even if it was my favorite flavor.
Pulling myself to my feet and walking into the kitchen, I said, “Kate, that’s not what I meant.”
“I know,” she replied, her words almost drowned out by the clinking of the plates she was putting into the sink. “I’m… sorry.”
I nodded. “It’s, I just thought… you know, not that you didn’t care about me. But that you wouldn’t be sorry to know Carrick… well, basically broke up with me.”
“Oh… I’m sorry Zac,” she said. She glanced at me for a moment, her eyes much softer than I expected. The glance lasted only a second before she looked down, her body language strangely shy. “I know he meant a lot to you.”
“No offense, but who are you and what have you done to Kate?” I laughed nervously.
She returned my laugh with a nervous one of her own, but it trailed off into a sigh. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
I nodded slowly. “That’s… that’s good?”
“I think so,” Kate replied, nodding as well. “It’s been… difficult. It’s not easy to wake up and realized everything you were taught as a child is wrong.”
I felt my eyes widen as I took in her words and realized exactly what she meant. When I did, I nodded vigorously. “Believe me… if anyone understands that, it’s me. I guess I didn’t really have any right to expect you to immediately be okay with what took most of my life to figure out and accept.”
“You have to understand…” Kate began. “Well, you know how religious my family is. And I was always the good girl from church. Sunday school, bible camp, the whole bit. It’s… well, it’s like suddenly being told that two plus two is seven.”
“Sometimes two plus two is seven,” I replied, smirking a little. “But you know my family was religious too. Even if my brothers didn’t always, umm, follow all the guidelines. So I guess I felt like I had to be even better to make up for them. Being gay didn’t really fit in with that very well.”
Kate looked at me curiously for a moment before she finally said, “You seem… different.”
“You’re not the first person to tell me that recently,” I replied, smirking as I thought of how Taylor had remarked on just that, too. I tried not to think about the reason for that change.
“Maybe he wasn’t such a bad influence after all…” Kate replied. She was just barely smirking as she said it, and I was surprised she could joke about something that was said during what was easily our worst fight ever.
I giggled. “Maybe not in every way…”
Kate rolled her eyes, a smile starting to spread across her face. It only lasted a second before she fell quiet and looked contemplative again. “Zac… can I ask you something?”
“Umm… I guess?”
She stared down at the floor, nervously playing with her hands. It was one of her bad habits, and I knew it meant she was really nervous. It made me worry what she might have to ask. Finally, she spoke. “What’s… what’s it like?”
“What’s what…” I began, not sure what she meant. Slowly, it dawned on me and a blush crept across my face. “Oh. You mean…?”
Kate blushed as well. “You don’t have to tell me anything. It’s just… well, I was trying to understand, and so I…”
She trailed off into a frustrated sigh, and I felt my brow furrowing as I tried to figure out how I could possibly answer her question. My apparently no longer homophobic ex-wife was asking me about gay sex. That was totally normal, right?
“No, it’s just…” I began, trying to gather my thoughts. “I mean, it’s weird to talk about. But, umm, it’s like… it’s less pressure? I was always worried that you didn’t enjoy it, and even more worried when I didn’t enjoy it… and it’s not just… easier. And, you know, it’s not like we have to plan around when somebody’s ovulating or anything.”
Kate snorted. She actually snorted. She covered her entire face with her hand, only barely muffling her laughter. I was still blushing, but I couldn’t help smiling at her response. Somehow, I didn’t mind being laughed at.
“And guys… I mean, a-a guy is just… stronger. And rougher. It’s not always like… making love or whatever. I mean, it can be. But it can just be fun.”
Kate swallowed, finally stifling her laughter, and finally looked at me again. If it was possible, I was sure my face got even brighter red.
“I know you don’t want… details from me or whatever. You can just look that stuff up, but… I guess that’s how it should be for anyone, whatever gender, you know? Just fun. Not something to stress about.”
Kate nodded. “I guess I didn’t make things very interesting…”
“I didn’t mean that,” I replied, shaking my head. “I didn’t either, w-when we were together. I know it was never that good, but it wasn’t your fault.”
Kate shrugged, obviously avoiding looking in my eyes. “So, you like it better… rough?”
“Umm… I guess?” I replied, surprised by that question. I tried to play it off with a smirk. “It was always better when we were fighting, wasn’t it?”
Kate returned my smirk. “You could say that…”
“You know this is one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had, right?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.
Kate nodded and chuckled. “Talking to my ex-husband about gay sex? Not exactly normal for me either…”
I giggled. “Well, you started it.”
“So mature…” Kate replied, rolling her eyes.
Just like that, we were back to where we started. Whatever curiosity she’d felt, whatever progress she’d made… I was worried that it was all undone. I stared down at my feet, unsure what to say next.
Kate sighed softly. “Well, I bet you can’t wait to get out of here…”
I shrugged. “I mean, it’s weird but… I’m glad we can have a civil conversation now… after everything…”
“This is nice,” Kate replied, smiling softly. “In a strange way.”
And she was right. It was. We still had a long way to go, but maybe we were taking more steps forward than backward. After everything we had been through, we were never going to be best friends. But at least we could talk. At least I was no longer worried that she hated me. Maybe I should have still be bitter about some of the things she said and did to me, but I had enough to be happy about now that I didn’t feel like dwelling on all of that. I just wanted to keep being happy.
Returning Kate’s smile, I gave her a little nod of agreement and watched her smile grow, no doubt relieved that I felt the same way.
“I do need to get home, though,” I said. “But… maybe a slice of cake first?”
Taylor
When Zac got home from Kate’s, kids in tow, he seemed happy enough, but I could tell something was off. Not wrong exactly, but I had a feeling something had happened with his ex-wife. I didn’t want to say anything in front of Shepard and Junia, though, so I waited until we were getting ready for bed. I listened to Zac brush his teeth as I folded down the sheets, contemplating how to broach the subject.
“So, how did things go with Kate?” The direct approach was probably the best, as long as I kept my tone informal.
“S’kinda weird,” he mumbled around his toothbrush, shrugging nonchalantly.
“Weird how? What did she say?” With Kate, ‘weird’ could mean a number of things, and all of them worried me. Zac blushed slightly, choosing to continue brushing instead of giving me an answer. You’d think after knowing each other our entire lives, he would know that was the exact way to make me more concerned.
“Zac? Talk to me,” I urged, hands on my hips, following my brother into the bathroom and giving my best worried face to his reflection. He rolled his eyes at me and spat out the mouthful of foam, shaking his head.
“It’s just Kate; when she’s not being a total cunt, she’s a total weirdo. You know this about her.”
“What did she say this time…” It was amazing; even when I thought my brother was finally free, she still found ways of getting to him.
“Nothing bad. Jeez, Tay, calm down.”
“Well she obviously said something,” I sighed, huffing. “You’ve been acting strange all night.” It was true; Zac had been unusually quiet during dinner, and he hadn’t even laughed at his favorite parts of the movie we watched. The fact that Zac was avoiding my eyes only confirmed my suspicion.
“She just… she didn’t mean anything by it, okay? But she asked about Carrick and then the conversation just got… weird. Awkward. That’s it, no big deal.”
“She asked about Carrick?” I asked, tilting my head. That definitely was weird; Kate’s feelings for Carrick had always fallen somewhere between disgust and outright hatred.
“Yeah,” he replied, nodding. “I was shocked as hell. Especially when I realized she was actually concerned.”
“She was what?”
“Like… She didn’t know we had b… broken up. And she actually seemed to care.”
I caught the stutter in his words, and the way his eyes drifted down. It hurt me to see him upset, and I knew he missed Carrick. Sometimes I wondered if I’d done the right thing, letting Zac in again.
“You okay?” I asked him softly.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I know you probably miss him.” I looked away, not wanting to see confirmation. Carrick had been so good for Zac, but I was selfish. I was happy with him, and I didn’t want to risk that; but at the same time, Zac’s happiness was far more important to me.
“He’s not you,” Zac answered with a shrug, but he avoided my eyes.
“I know…” I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling tired. Carrick wasn’t me, and for good or ill, I wasn’t him. I felt Zac sit down next to me, and took comfort in knowing Zac was mine, if only for now.
“You wanna know the weirdest part about that convo, though?”
“What?” I asked, looking up. It got weirder?
“She asked what… it… was like.”
”What what was like?” I had a feeling I knew, but that was too out of Kate’s character for me to believe.
“Sex,” Zac replied, his face dead serious. “Of the gay variety.”
I blinked, took a breath, then let out a nervous laugh. I just couldn’t picture Zac’s ex-wife asking about the intricacies of male intimacy.
“For real?”
“She was serious, too. She didn’t want details and I didn’t give them, but yeah. She’s apparently… changed.”
“Wow…” It was all I could think of to say, but Zac understood, nodding vigorously.
“Can you even imagine? Talking to your ex wife about what gay sex is like. I think I kinda hurt her feelings, but I mean… It is better.”
“Yeah… It’s good that she’s gotten over herself.” I moved back and crawled under the covers, a yawn escaping against my will. Zac followed suit, curling up next to me.
“Yeah… it’s just so weird. It was like the Twilight Zone… her asking that stuff and actually caring…”
I nodded, wrapping my arm around Zac. As mind-bending as that half of the conversation was, I kept thinking about his face when he mentioned his other ex.
“Do you miss him?”
“Carrick?”
“No, your teddy bear,” I teased, chuckling. “Yeah, Carrick.”
“I… I guess,” Zac sighed. “Why does it matter? We’re together now.”
“It matters to me,” I answered, nudging him. He returned the playful shove, smiling.
“I’m just saying, I’m with you now, okay? It’s not like… you need to be worried about how I feel about him or anything. He’s always gonna be my… friend… But he’s not here. And you are.”
“Zac…” I sighed heavily; sometimes I wished my brother would stop trying to protect my feelings and just be honest.
“What?”
“I want to know what you’re feeling. Complete honesty, remember?”
Zac pouted for a minute, but when he saw I wasn’t budging, he finally gave in.
“It’s bad, but I hadn’t really even thought about him that much until Kate asked. Not like I forgot him, but…”
“I know,” I said, nodding. “I’m glad I make you happy.”
“You do. You really do, Tay.”
“Happier than a threesome?” I teased, smirking.
“What is with all the sex talk today,” Zac huffed, rolling his eyes, but I could tell he wasn’t really upset.
“I thought Zac 2.0 was all about the sex talk,” I said, lowering my voice.
“Zac 2.0 is sleepy,” he answered, pouting.
“Alright,” I sighed, kissing his nose. “Get some rest.” I pouted a bit, disappointed the conversation couldn’t continue the way it was headed, but I didn’t want to press the issue.
“G’night, Tay,” Zac said sleepily, his eyes fluttering shut. “Love you…”
“Love you too.” I turned the light off and settled in, and not long after I heard his breathing even out. I laid awake for a long time, though, mulling things over in my head.
I wanted nothing more than for Zac to be happy, whether it was with me or not. And he did seem to be happy with me; but I knew he missed Carrick, too. A thought crossed my mind; his birthday was in a couple of days,and we didn’t have any plans yet… A smile slowly crept onto my face as I went over the pros and cons of my plan. Realizing there weren’t any real cons of substance, I reached over to the nightstand, grabbing my phone. I sent a quick text message, smiled, and set the phone aside again. Snuggling up to Zac, I wondered if he would like his present.
To: Carrick
Hey. Call me asap. Need to ask you something.