The whole day, I kept telling myself that chatting with this guy didn’t really mean anything. I’m not totally convinced, but it’s enough to give me the confidence go back online later that night. I had to wait until Kate was in bed, just to avoid her judgment. She knew I liked to work late into the night, holed up in the garage, but that didn’t stop her from nagging me to go to bed at a normal hour. Once she was tucked into bed, I slipped away, my laptop under my arm, and tiptoed to the garage. I didn’t know what to expect from a second conversation with Jordan, but I was too curious not to go back for more.

Rehearsal the next day was almost unbearable. I was distracted all day, thinking of my new friend, recalling all the things we’d said to each other, both innocent and not. I blushed as I thought back to the passionate, heated chat; he was obviously new to it, but he was definitely a fast learner. And probably more kinky than he even realized. I hadn’t expected things to go as far as they had, but it had me slipping in and out of focus all day.

I worried that maybe we’d gone too far, that he’d get scared and not come back. But no, I reassured myself, he promised we’d talk again. And so when the day was finally done, I’d practically rushed home, eager to get online. I barely spoke a word to Nat through dinner, nodding absently as my kids went on about their days. Normally I paid a bit more attention, at least to my children, but I couldn’t help it. If Natalie noticed, she didn’t mention it, but more likely she hadn’t; after all, we weren’t exactly close, even for a married couple.

Nat and I put the kids to bed, and she herself retired early, complaining of a headache. I gave her a hug, told her to get some rest, and shooed her off to bed, before all but running to my office. I laughed at myself, acting like a teenager, but I was excited. I had a new friend; a very interesting, very sexy friend. I logged on, staring at my buddy list; I tried not to be too disappointed to see that he wasn’t on yet.

I went through my usual routine of emails and blogs, catching up on the latest interesting news. I started to grow restless as the minutes ticked by, the lump in my throat growing. I sighed heavily, starting to think he wasn’t coming, that I’d scared him off. I mentally berated myself for coming on too strong. I was about to log off, when his name popped up; I grinned wide, stopping just short of squealing with delight. Clicking on his name, I took a deep breath, anxious to see where the night would lead.

It was strange how much and yet how little of substance Jordan and I had actually talked about. I didn’t know about him, but I was playing my cards pretty close my my chest, revealing only as little as I was comfortable with. But things had gotten so intense. It wasn’t just the sex, although that was intense in so many ways. I found myself doing all kinds of things “with” him that I had never done outside of a few distant dreams that I thought I’d forgotten.

What struck me about him during our first conversation was how good of a listener he was. He asked so many questions of me and seemed to really care what I had to say. The tables turned during this second conversation, somehow. Maybe it was because the sex was different, with him forcing me to take the lead. Whatever it was, it seemed the floodgates had opened.

I wiped my still-misty eyes as I shut down the computer, sighing heavily as I sat back in my chair. I didn’t know why I’d told Sam all that, but it felt… good. I could hardly believe how relieved I was, to admit how I really felt about my situation. No, it wasn’t going to change anything, but somehow, saying it felt like some sort of closure, or acceptance. I honestly felt better than I had in a long time.

It was frightening, admitting to something that felt so… wrong. It felt like betrayal, saying I would make different choices, if given a second chance. It was like I’d told Sam; I’d told the lies so many times, wanting a big family, being hopelessly in love with Natalie, that I’d convinced myself they were true. Or convinced myself the truth didn’t matter. As long as my wife and children were happy, that had always been enough for me. I never gave my own satisfaction a second thought, at least not in regards to them. Not until Sam had convinced me to open up.

Sam… I didn’t know him very well, but I was finding it harder and harder to think of him as just a friend. It wasn’t the sexual stuff that was affecting me, either; it was the fact that he took the time to listen, to let me (virtually) cry on his shoulder. I didn’t really have anyone like that, that I could be so open and honest with. He was sweet, adorable, funny, charming… I realized sheepishly that I really was developing a bit of a crush on him. He said he lived in Tulsa; maybe someday I’d get to meet him. But in the meantime, I was glad to have him in my life.