Zac

If I had to choose just one word to describe the last few months of my life, it would have to be bittersweet. Losing Taylor was one of the major low points, but getting him back felt so much better than I could ever find the words to describe. But even after we got back together, and even when I was happy with Carrick, there was one problem.

My kids had been taken from me.

Every day, I counted off how long it had been since I’d seen Shepherd and Junia. Over two months. It was the longest I’d ever gone without seeing them. Even when we toured, we – all three of us – made it a priority to be sure that we saw our kids as often as possible. That was something that we just had to make time for. It sometimes meant manipulating the tour schedule to add in extra trips back home, and other times it meant cramming far too many people onto a tour bus or even renting an extra bus. But we made it work. We had to.

I’ll admit, even when things were relatively good between us, I could have gone weeks without seeing Kate and felt like I had lost nothing – especially when we were cooped up on the tour bus with everyone. It seemed the longer we were in close quarters, the crazier we drove each other. But my kids? I can’t breathe without them. I’m not just saying that, either. There were moments when I honestly felt like I was dying because they were gone.

The worst part was knowing why they were gone. Because Kate thought I was a disgusting sinner and she didn’t trust me to be around them. If she only knew… It made me shudder to think what she or anyone else would say if they knew about me and Taylor. Even though I loved him, even though I wanted to shout from the rooftops about how happy I was to be with him again, I knew it wasn’t normal. At least, it wasn’t what anyone else would consider normal. But except for that little issue of being separated from my babies, I’d never felt more normal before in my life.

I’d never felt more me before.

And finally, after two months, two weeks and six days, Kate brought my babies back.

She wasn’t coming back, though. We hadn’t really talked, just exchanged a few texts, but she made it very clear that she and I were over. That was good. That was what I wanted and what we both needed; there was nothing left of our relationship and no need to try to work on it now that I had finally accepted that I just wasn’t straight. But she had to come back to at least move out of the house, and after texting a little bit, we agreed on a time when I knew I would be in the studio. I didn’t know if she was still too disgusted by me to even be in the same house with me, but even if she wasn’t, I just knew it would be easier for both of us if we didn’t have to see each other unless it was absolutely necessary.

If I’d really stopped to think about it, I probably would have tried to clean the house a little before she came back. Carrick and I were total slobs; Taylor made that pretty clear when he came to my house after Carrick left. I wasn’t oblivious to it, but until someone pointed it out, I just really didn’t feel all that self-conscious about the piles of laundry and dirty dishes. Besides, I had other things to think about with Carrick around. So the kitchen counters stayed covered in the messes we made when we cooked, and all of Kate’s decorative dishes filled up with ashes and roaches, and I honestly didn’t give a shit. And once I had Taylor back, I was too busy floating around on a cloud of pure fucking bliss to even think about words like “cleaning.”

As I drove home from the studio, I realized that I really should have done some of that cleaning. Our marriage might have been over, but I knew that wouldn’t stop Kate from complaining about the disaster zone I’d turned our house into in her absence. In her eyes, it was probably just more proof of how awful I was.

A year ago, I might have agreed with her. I would have taken her message to heart and beaten myself up for being a disgusting slob. I never would have stopped to consider the fact that there were worse problems in my life than a few dirty socks and that I was being berated and treated like shit over something so fucking superficial. I would have just taken it for granted that Kate was right that I was useless and worthless.

I wasn’t looking forward to hearing those same old complaints from her again, but I knew that this time, I would survive. I wouldn’t take them to heart. I wouldn’t give in. For once in my life, I would be okay.

A large U-Haul was in the driveway when I pulled in. That surprised me a little; if at all possible, I figured she would have left before I got home just to avoid me entirely. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or scared that she was still there. I took my first few steps into the house cautiously, listening for any sound that might tell me where she was. The house smelled clean – too clean, like every surface in it had been doused with bleach, and a stack of boxes stood by the bottom of the stairs.

“K-Katie?” I called out, walking up the stairs.

“I’m in the bedroom,” she replied.

I squeezed past another stack of boxes and made my way down the hallway toward the bedroom we had shared. I stopped in the doorway, afraid to get too close to her, and leaned nervously against the door frame. Her back was turned to me as she continued to pull clothes out of the closet and stuff them into a suitcase. After a moment, she glanced over her shoulder.

“I’m just getting my things. I’ll be out of your way soon enough.”

I let out a sigh of relief. Even though she could have been sarcastic with me, her voice was surprisingly calm and neutral. It made me a little nervous of what might still be lurking beneath the surface, but I was also relieved that she wasn’t yelling or anything.

“Do you need any help?” I asked. “I can carry some of those boxes out for you…”

That seemed to surprise her. She paused, as if waiting for the punch line, then softly replied, “Thank you.”

I nodded. “No problem…”

Kate returned my nod, then turned back to the closet to pull a few purses off the shelf and toss them into a box. Her back still turned to me, she said, “Shep and Junia are with my parents. For now.”

“When… c-can I see them again?”

A part of me didn’t want to ask that question at all for fear of what she might say. But I had to know. I didn’t know how much longer I could make it without seeing them. Even as the question left my mouth, I knew there was a distinct possibility that she would say that I couldn’t ever see them again.

She paused again, probably weighing her options, and finally let out a soft sigh. “I can bring them next weekend. They can… stay with you for a bit.”

“That… that would be great,” I replied, giving her a weak smile that I knew didn’t really show how grateful I was. It seemed to be enough for Kate, though, as she gave me a tiny nod before turning away from me again.

I almost couldn’t couldn’t believe it. My babies would be, if only for a little while, coming back to me. I didn’t know what had changed Kate’s mind, convinced her that I wasn’t a horrible influence, but I was glad. Maybe she had talked to Natalie, who seemed to be taking the divorce with Taylor really well. For best friends, the two of them really were so different, but maybe Kate was learning a thing or two about acceptance from Natalie.

While I was still processing all of that, Kate pulled an envelope from the top of the dresser and handed it to me. She didn’t quite meet my eyes as it passed from her hand to mine, our fingers barely brushing. Her touch felt so foreign to me, as though she was a complete stranger. I realized that I probably felt like a stranger to her, too.

“I’ll be busy anyway…” she mumbled, then turned back to her packing.

I nodded, not really sure how to respond to that, and opened the envelope. I already had a feeling that I knew what it contained, and my suspicions were soon confirmed. Divorce papers. I didn’t really understand all of it, but it looked like she wanted the two of us to come to an agreement on our own, without going to court. I didn’t think that it would be easy for us to agree about anything, but avoiding court seemed like a fantastic idea to me. With a sigh, I shoved the papers in my pocket and decided to give them a closer read later in the hopes of understanding them better.

“I cleaned up a bit…” Kate said, laughing softly. To my surprise, her tone was more amused than accusing. “I knew this place would fall apart without me.”

I frowned, my bottom lip sticking out into a pout that I knew Carrick would have mocked me for if he’d been there. “Hey… I washed the dishes last night.”

Kate nodded. “I noticed.”

Again, there was no accusation. If anything, she seemed almost proud of me. Even if I had mostly let the place fall apart, she could see, I suppose, that I hadn’t fallen apart. Maybe I wasn’t the worthless mess of a man that she thought I was. I gave her a little smile, watching as she walked toward the dresser again and looked at a photo of the two of us resting on top of it. It had been taken somewhere in France, I remembered, the first time that she’d come along for one of our overseas tours. We were still just a couple then, although I’d been considering proposing before she graduated from college. I hadn’t been all that excited about getting married, but it just seemed like the next logical step. Still, we looked happy in that picture. It was one of the few pictures we had together where we honestly did.

Kate sighed sadly. “It wasn’t… all bad… wasn’t it?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “It wasn’t.”

“We had some really… happy memories…” she said, her voice shaking just a little bit. As her hand trailed across the picture frame, I could see that it was shaking, too. I wanted to reach out to her and try to comfort her, but I knew we were past that.

Instead, I just nodded softly. “We… we made the best of things…”

“I guess so…” she replied, smirking.

I wasn’t sure what to make of that smirk. It didn’t seem spiteful or bitter, even though I was pretty sure that she had every right to be. I was glad that she wasn’t, though. For whatever reason, this was fairly painless. It wasn’t enough to convince me that everything really hadn’t been so bad in our relationship; even what few good times we’d had didn’t change the fact that I was gay. There would have always been something missing, something wrong, between me and Kate.

I watched her for a few more minutes, unsure if she would want me to jump in and try to help pack. Finally, she taped up the last box, then heaved a heavy sigh.

“I think that’s everything,” she said.

With a sigh of my own, I took a few tentative steps toward her. “Here… I’ll get some of those boxes…”

“Thank you,” she replied with a nod, then turned away from me.

“You’re welcome.” Even though her back was to me, I smiled.

I knew that it was still difficult for her to be around me; I could see that in the way that she kept turning away from me, putting as much space between us as she could without leaving the room. She was trying to be civil, though, and it was obvious that a lot of her anger had faded.

Between the two of us, we were able to carry the boxes from the bedroom in just a few minutes. I made sure to take the heavier ones, leaving the smaller bags and boxes for her. She’d done a pretty thorough job of packing the day she left with the kids, so there wasn’t much left aside from the boxes in the bedroom and the few that set waiting in the living room. Soon, we were stacking the last box into the U-Haul she’d rented and closing the door on them all.

I made sure the lock was in place, doing anything I could to stall, before finally turning to look at her. “Kate… I’m sorry for how this all happened.”

She shook her head. “Don’t.”

“Okay…” I replied, frowning.

I truly meant it. I was sorry for how it had all came out. I hadn’t had a lot of time to envision how I’d like to come out, but I don’t think that I would have ever picked for it to happen in the heat of an argument just hours after breaking up with Taylor. It needed to happen, but not like that. Not in a way that hurt Kate so much and threw my brand new relationship with Carrick in her face. I wasn’t doing either of us any favors; I was just being emotional and immature. Still, I supposed that feeling sorry didn’t change anything.

Kate sighed. “It happened. Whether it should or shouldn’t have doesn’t really matter.”

“I guess…” I replied, staring down at my feet and feeling approximately two inches tall. This time, though, I knew that I deserved to feel that way.

With a slow nod, Kate turned to walk away from me. I followed her back into the house, watching from a safe distance as she took one last walk through all the rooms to be sure she hadn’t left anything. When she finally rejoined me in the living room, we both stood awkwardly, neither one evidently wanting to be the first one to speak.

I bit my lip and rocked back and forth a little on the balls of my feet. “So…”

“So…” Kate nodded.

“So, what now?”

“I know you won’t believe me, but…” She said, her voice soft. Finally, she looked up and met my eyes, hers sad and clearly full of regret. “I am going to miss you.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I said it, either…”

She gave me a small smile. “Maybe I should…”

“Well…” I said, trying to return her smile and failing.

It felt wrong to say that I would miss her. I would miss feeling normal, with the whole wife, two kids and picket fence thing. I would miss the sense of accomplishment it gave me to have that perfect – at least from the outside – little family. I would miss being able to expression my love for someone publicly. I would miss a lot of things, but I didn’t know if I would honestly miss Kate.

Her smile faded away as she waited for the reply that didn’t come. “Yeah…” she finally said.

“After all, who’s gonna cook for me and do my laundry now?” I finally replied, daring to make a tiny joke and hoping that I wouldn’t pay the price for it.

To my surprise, Kate just smirked. It was almost imperceptible, and definitely not spiteful, but it was definitely a smirk. My eyes widened, but I didn’t dare comment on the fact that she might have actually been amused by my joke.

Kate stepped in close and placed a hand on my shoulder. Her voice soft, she said, “Take care of yourself, Zac.”

“I’ll do my best…” I replied, nodding.

She smiled, then leaned in and kissed my cheek. When she pulled back, I could see tears in her eyes. For once, I didn’t think that she was just putting on a show and trying to get her way. There was nothing to be gained now by playing on my sympathies and she knew that. We were over and Kate knew it. I had to admit, I felt a certain sense of sadness that something I had wanted, had sometimes forced myself to want, and had worked damn hard to keep, was finally ending. What had passed between us didn’t matter; it was still sad, regardless of the circumstances, to see it end.

“I…” I stuttered out, trying to organize my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to say. “You take care of yourself too, okay? You’ll be alright without me, I’m sure.”

It wasn’t really everything that I wanted to tell her, but it would have to do.

Kate smiled. “Thank you.”

She touched my cheek, then turned and walked out the door. I didn’t have it in me to go to the window and watch her leave. I had to laugh at myself a little as I stood in my living room and listened to the gravel crunching beneath the moving van’s tires. It felt almost like watching a song I’d written play out in front of my eyes. But I knew that even though Kate was the one leaving, we’d both made the choice to leave our marriage behind. The weeks that had passed since she’d left in a fit of anger had evidently shown her that our relationship just couldn’t be mended, but that it was okay to let it go.

And it was okay. I was okay. Everything wasn’t perfect in my life, but several things about it were about as close to perfect as I thought they could be.

 

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