Taylor
Most people look forward to days off; they dream of what they’ll do when they don’t have to do anything. But not me. I’m a self-proclaimed workaholic, and since the air of finality had descended on my marriage, I poured even more of myself into the music and the business. So when I woke up to a text message from Zac asking me to meet him at the studio, I was almost relieved; almost, except for the twinge of hurt I felt every time I had to be around him.
Still, it was better than sitting in an empty house; Natalie had taken the kids to her mom’s for a week, one last visit before the back-to-school rush. I took my time getting ready, giving in to the dark thoughts swirling in my brain for only as long as it took to shower and dress. I felt it was better to purge all the negative energy before I had to face him; some days were easier than others, but I hadn’t slept well the night before.
The drive was faster than I would’ve liked, though, and soon enough I was punching in the security code at the front door. I heard the sound of my piano being played, and followed it quietly; Zac was sitting hunched over, his hair hanging around his shoulders, hiding his face from view. I took a moment just to watch him, the way his fingers touched the keys so delicately, like he was afraid to hurt them. I could’ve watched him all day, but that wouldn’t do my sanity any favors.
“Hey.”
“Shit!” Zac cursed, jumping and turning to face me. “Hey.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you,” I laughed lightly.
“It’s fine.” Something about Zac looked off, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly. He turned back to the keys, playing a few stray notes. I watched him for another minute, rocking on my heels.
“So is Ike coming?”
“Didn’t text him,” Zac replied, shaking his head. So he’d wanted to work with me alone; I was torn between a feeling of pride and unease. I looked away to hide my mixed emotions, but Zac wasn’t looking anyway.
“Oh… okay.”
“Is that okay? Just… us?” There was something in Zac’s voice; he was probably as uncomfortable with the situation as I was, but I had to stay professional.
“Yeah, thats fine.” I gave him a nod, and tried to smile; he returned it with matching emphasis, which wasn’t much. There was something in his eyes that didn’t feel right; I wanted to know what was wrong, but it wasn’t my place, not anymore.
“So,” I started, clearing my throat. “What did you want to work on?”
“Whatever,” Zac answered with a shrug. I raised an eyebrow; it had been his idea to come in today, hadn’t it?
“So you called me here to work on something, but you don’t know what?”
“Pretty much.”
“Okay,” I said after a second; I continued to watch him, smirking slightly. I’d stopped trying to understand my brother’s motivations years ago; now I just looked on with amusement and wonder. I looked around awkwardly, needing to do something, but Zac just played on as if I wasn’t even there. I smiled and took a step closer as I listened to the tune; it was slow and weaving, and a touch melancholy.
“Pretty.” I cringed at the word, so simple and inarticulate, but Zac’s music tended to do that to me; honestly, Zac tended to do that to me.
“I was just playing,” Zac shrugged. “It’s nothing in particular.”
“It’s nice. Kind of melancholy, but nice.”
“Yeah…” Zac smiled weakly, but when he glanced up at me, his eyes held so much uncertainty and… sadness? I had to look away before I said or did something I would regret.
“Have you heard from Kate lately?” I asked; I knew it was probably a sore subject, but I was genuinely curious if the cunt had bothered to let Zac know where his kids were.
“Not a word.”
I looked down at Zac sadly; his kids were his whole world, and I couldn’t even imagine how horrible it must’ve felt not seeing them for so long.
“It’s fine,” he went on, trying to smile reassuringly; I wondered which one of us he was trying to convince. I nodded slowly, looking away.
“How’s C… Carrick?” It felt so wrong to dislike saying his name; he was still my friend, too, as far as I knew. Zac hit a sour note, and I looked over, but he recovered before I could ask what was wrong.
“He’s… fine.”
“That’s… good.” I tried to smile, but I could feel how wrong it probably looked.
“I’m…” I wanted to be happy for him; I was trying so hard. I saw how much he’d grown as a person in the past couple months; it was obvious how good for him Carrick was. And yet… I turned away quickly, before Zac could see what I was sure was written all over my face. I walked over to the keyboard and settled behind it, picking at the keys and harmonizing with the melody Zac had started. He smiled at me, a little uneasy but not as bad as before, and we played for a few minutes.
“How are you? And Natalie?” Zac asked, and my hands paused; it was a fair question, but it wasn’t something I liked thinking about, let alone talking about. “Sorry. It’s just… we haven’t talked much lately, Tay.”
“It’s fine. We, uh… We’re starting the paperwork.”
“Oh. That’s… that’s good?”
“Yeah,” I answered, smiling sadly. “It is.”
“Do you know if… Has she talked to Kate?”
I looked over at Zac; I wanted so badly to give him good news, to tell him his children were coming home. I didn’t want to cause him any more pain, but I couldn’t lie to him, either.
“Not in a while.”
“Oh. I just figured…”
“I know.” I stared down at the keys again, as if they could give me the answers I needed. “I’m sure they’re fine. Probably with the in-laws.” I went back to playing, trying to block out all the bad feelings surrounding me. The guilt, the helplessness, the emptiness; I wanted to escape it all, and music was the only way I knew how. I lost myself in the tune, trying to bring it out of its melancholy depths, but instead following it to even colder places.
I didn’t know how much time passed, but eventually I realized I was the only one playing; I blushed as I looked sheepishly at Zac.
“Oops?” he said teasingly, and started playing again.
“So what else is new?” I had to get my mind out of the dark place it seemed to keep going to, or Zac would notice.
“N-nothing…” Zac’s falter drew my attention immediately; between that and the look in his eyes all morning, I was starting to really worry. Had something happened? Wasn’t Carrick taking care of him?
“Zac?”
“Yeah?” He was still staring at the keys, even though he’d stopped playing again.
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah…” He tried to fake a smile, but it didn’t last, his entire expression falling. “No,” he finally whispered. My own mouth curled into a frown as I made my way over, hesitating before sitting next to him.
“What’s wrong, Zac?” My tone was soft, mostly to hide any emotions I feared would seep through. Zac shrugged, hesitating before answering.
“Carrick… He, uh… he left.”
My eyes widened as his words sunk in. Carrick had left? Why? How could he?
“Oh. Um, what happened?”
“Nothing, really… I mean, he couldn’t stay here forever, could he?” It was typical of Zac to try to make a joke in a bad situation, but I could tell he knew it wasn’t working this time.
“Zac. Did he leave, or did he… leave?”
“He left,” Zac whispered. “He left me.”
“Zac…” I bit my lip, pouting; how could Carrick do that to him? After all they’d been through? How could he hurt him like that?
“Kinda getting tired of men doing that, to be honest.” Zac smirked weakly, but I felt as if I’d been punched in the gut, actually cringing in physical pain.
“Sorry,” he sighed, but I supposed I deserved it. I shook my head, swallowing down the feeling of nausea.
“But what happened? I mean, I thought… I thought things were…”
“They were,” Zac replied. I had to look away, partly in shame, partly in fear. “Things were good. I was happy. It just… wasn’t enough, I guess,” Zac finished weakly, and suddenly, my pain and confusion shifted to anger.
“He… he said that?”
“No.” Zac sighed at my confused look, before going on. “He just knew that… that I wasn’t as happy as I could be.”
“But how… oh.” My eyes widened slowly, realization setting in. Carrick had broken up with Zac… because he wasn’t me. Not that Carrick knew it was me exactly; at least I hoped not. But still… Zac winced, looking down; everything made sense suddenly, and I felt myself shaking a bit as I bit my lip nervously.
“Zac?”
“Yeah?” Zac answered quietly, barely above a whisper, without looking up. He was hiding behind the curtain of his hair, something he’d been guilty of for years. The question sat at the tip of my tongue, tasting bitter as ash; I didn’t want to ask, but I had to know. I had to know if it had been worth it; the tears, the nightmares, the ever-present emptiness. I had to know if all the pain I’d put both of us through had been for good reason.
“Were you… happy… at all? With him?”
Zac
That was the question, wasn’t it? It seemed simple enough on the surface, but it was something I had struggled with not just that morning, but for the entire two months of my relationship with Carrick. Even if it was difficult, I wanted to give Taylor the most honest answer possible.
“Yeah, I was,” I replied with a nod, “but it wasn’t enough.”
Taylor bit his lip nervously, reminding me a little of Carrick. I wasn’t sure if he was biting back another question or comment, or just waiting to see if I would say more.
“He still wasn’t you.”
Taylor took a sharp breath. I wasn’t sure if he was hurt or surprised or what. Of course Carrick wasn’t him; even if I had just compared their mannerisms in my brain, they weren’t really anything alike at all. Carrick, for example, was not a crier. But Taylor was. Tears were welling up in his eyes and I wanted desperately to touch him, to comfort him in some way. I lifted my hand, then thought better of it, and let it fall back to my lap.
His eyes followed my hand and he began to shake a little. Licking his lips, he finally said, “Z-Zac, I…”
“Yeah?” Even I could hear the hope in my voice.
Taylor stared into my eyes, shaking a little more as each second passed. His breathing grew shallow and his eyes darted away from me. He swallowed hard. “I…”
“Yeah?” I asked, scooting a little closer to him. I didn’t want to push him; I just wanted him to know that whatever he was going to say, I could handle it. Probably.
He closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
“Taylor…” I said softly.
“Zac…” A tear few down his cheek and he bit his lip hard, obviously trying to keep himself from talking.
I couldn’t help myself. I reached up and gently wiped the tear away. His eyes were still closed, so in spite of my gentleness, the touch still made him jump a little. “Sorry…”
He finally opened his eyes and met my stare. I wasn’t sure what he saw reflected in my eyes – probably a lot of love and a little nervousness, because that’s what I felt. In Taylor’s eyes, I mostly saw terror, but there was definitely something lurking below the surface.
“Zac, I… I c-can’t…”
“You… oh.” My own eyes began to fill with tears as his meaning washed over me.
Taylor’s eyes fell closed again, his body shaking like a leaf. “I… I’m… I’m s-scared.”
Another tear fell from his eye and I didn’t hesitate to wipe it away. “Me too.”
“I… I t-tried…” More tears fell as he stuttered out those few words. He swallowed hard, trying but mostly failing to regain some control over himself.
He had to know it was okay. I had to show him that he could talk to me. I rubbed his shoulders, applying just a little pressure in the hopes of steadying him. It helped a little. “What, Tay?”
“I tried to be… happy…” He finally said, leaning into my touch almost instinctively. “For you.”
I blinked. Taylor glanced down and I took a second to digest his words. Softly, I asked, “How’d that work for you?”
He closed his eyes again as more tears fell, and shook his head. I couldn’t help myself. I pulled him close to me, holding him firmly but loosely enough that he could pull away if he wanted. I was more than a little afraid that even something as seemingly innocent as hug was going too far. He tensed at first, and I was sure he was going to pull away, but he didn’t. Instead, he leaned his head onto my shoulder. I couldn’t resist the urge to run my fingers through his hair, and as I did, he began to cry.
“Taylor…” I said softly.
“I couldn’t…” He began, wrapping his arms around me and crying into my shoulder. “I tried so hard, but I just couldn’t…”
“I know, b- Tay,” I said, hoping Taylor would miss that little slip-up.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes, and I knew that he hadn’t. I bit my lip as I stared back at him, afraid that nearly calling him baby was definitely crossing the line. Taylor raised a shaky hand, hesitantly a little before finally pressing it to my cheek. I leaned into the touch, wanting him to know it was okay. Still, he began to pull away almost immediately.
“But… but we can’t…”
“Why not?” I asked. Taylor stuttered, but didn’t really reply. I grabbed his hand and held it firmly to my cheek. “Taylor.”
He blinked and stared at me for moment. If he was searching for proof that I loved him, then surely he would find it. If he was searching for some reassurance that it was okay to be with me again, I could only hope that he would find that, too.
“Taylor, please…” I said, practically begging. His lip quivered like he was either going to cry or say something else, but I didn’t give him the chance. “I tried to be happy without you, Tay. And I was happy, but I still woke up next to him wishing he was you.”
Taylor’s eyes widened a little, like it was some sort of revelation that I still loved him. Was it? I knew I had thrown myself into the relationship with Carrick pretty quickly, but I thought surely Taylor knew that he was still on my mind all the time.
“Remember how we talked about waking up together?”
Taylor pouted sadly and nodded.
“I want that.”
“I…” he stuttered out.
“Please, Tay.”
He bit his lip as another tear fell. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed the tear away. Taylor gasped and I pulled back.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” I said, my eyes widening in fear of Taylor’s reaction.
He blinked and tilted his head slightly. To my surprise, I could see some of the fear disappear from his eyes.
“What?” I asked. His cheeks turned a bit pink, confusing me even more. “Tay…”
Taylor brushed his fingers against my cheek so gently that he was barely touching me at all. It still made me tremble, but I smiled, too. Taylor gave me the tiniest smile I’d ever seen.
“I miss seeing you smile, Tay.”
His blush deepened, but he smiled more in spite of it.
“Especially when — if — it’s because of me.”
Taylor looked away shyly. I tried to collect my thoughts. If he wasn’t crying and didn’t seem upset with me, then I figured it was a good time to try to say all the things I wanted to say to him.
“You know I just wanted you to be happy too, right? Even though I sucked at making you happy.”
His eyes snapped back to me and he pouted. “Zac, no…”
“Yeah, I kinda did.”
“No. You didn’t.”
I pouted. He clearly wasn’t to go let me get away with saying that; sometimes he was more stubborn than me and Carrick combined. “Well, I could have done better. And I want a chance to.”
“Zac…” Taylor said, biting his lip.
“Yeah?”
“You… you shouldn’t want this…” Taylor managed to stutter out.
“Too late,” I replied. “I already do and I’m obviously not gonna stop.”
Taylor stared at me for a moment, a smile slowly spreading across his face. “You’re.. really not, are you?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Never.”
“N-never?”
“Never, Tay.”
Tears began welling up in his eyes again. “Zac… are you s-sure?”
I nodded. “I have never been more sure about anything, Tay. I love you, damn it.”
Through his tears, Taylor smiled. His voice just a whisper, he said, “I… I love you.”
I let out a small gasp, and felt myself began to tremble. I’ll admit, I had doubted that he still did. I know that’s a horrible thing to admit, but it was easier to deal with the way things had ended if I tried to convince myself that Taylor didn’t love me anymore. “Yeah?”
He nodded, tears still gathering in the corners of his eyes. I couldn’t help myself. I pounced on him, knocking both of us off the piano bench and into the floor.
“Umm…” I giggled. “Sorry…”
Taylor laughed, then groaned.
“You okay?”
“Never better,” he said, smiling.
I returned his smile. “Is that right?”
He nodded. My smile spread across my face, growing so big that it almost hurt. I leaned down and kissed Taylor gently, still a little hesitant and scared of his reaction. I thought he wanted this too, but what if he still thought it was a bad idea? I felt him gasp against my lips and I pulled back to look at him. He was staring up at me, his eyes a little wide.
“Is that… okay?” I asked.
Taylor smiled and nodded. “Better than okay.”
I smiled, glad to have his permission, and kissed him again. The second kiss was deeper and less hesitant, and Taylor moaned against my lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and I could feel his tears falling, wetting both of our faces. I pulled back from the kiss and half-kissed, half-licked the tears away. Taylor laughed.
“No more crying. I won’t allow it,” I said, pouting a little.
Taylor looked at me seriously, then nodded. “I love you, Zac.”
“I love you too, Taylor.”
He smiled and I sighed contently, laying my head on his shoulder. I let myself curl up on top of him, not wanting to move at all from that spot. Everything was perfect. Taylor laughed softly, rubbing my back.
“What?”
“You do realize we’re laying on the studio floor?”
I shrugged. “So?”
Taylor sighed. “So, we should probably not do… this… here.”
I knew he had a point. With a sigh, I rolled off of him and sat in the floor. “Yeah… okay.”
Taylor stood up and held a hand out to me. I gave him a smile and took his hand, even though he really didn’t need to help me up at all. It was just a nice gesture, and it felt good to hold his hand.
“So…” he said, glancing around nervously.
“Umm… my place?” I offered.
Taylor gave me a look, then laughed lightly. “Sure.”
As we walked out of the studio together, I couldn’t stop smiling. I knew everything wasn’t really perfect – I didn’t even know for sure if we were together again or what – but it felt pretty damn close.