Taylor
I didn’t just let Zac go; I pushed him away. I literally turned my back on him, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life. After he left me in the park, I sat on that picnic table and cried until it was too dark to see. I texted Natalie, letting her know I’d be home in the morning, then drove to the nearest hotel and booked a room. I would give myself one night to grieve.
I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but images of him kept ghosting across my mind; thoughts of him alone, thoughts of us together, and the image of him and Carrick, caught in a passionate embrace. Tears came and went, ebbing and flowing like a sea of loss. But not regret; despite everything, I was sure I had made the right choice for Zac. He would be happy; his happiness mattered far more than mine.
Eventually, exhaustion won, but I found no rest or comfort; it felt like I’d barely slept at all when my daily alarm went off at six. My children would be waking up in half an hour; it was that thought that made me get out of bed and wash my face. After a quick stop at Starbucks, I walked into my kitchen just as Natalie was coming down to start breakfast. Her eyes passed over me, and I was surprised to see not suspicion, but sympathy. I gave her a half-hearted smile as I got the eggs out of the fridge and handed them to her without a word.
I helped her get the kids ready and off to day camp, then did the dishes before heading to my studio. The rest of the morning passed quietly; I focused on writing, keeping all thoughts of Zac from my mind. I hadn’t even noticed the passing of time when Natalie came in with a sandwich and a glass of lemonade; I smiled weakly, and she sat beside me on the piano bench. I could see the wheels turning as she touched a couple of keys; she’d asked me to teach her, when we first started dating.
“Is there someone else?” Her tone was soft and neutral, without a hint of accusation. It would have been easy enough to tell her she had no reason to doubt me. It wouldn’t even have been a lie anymore. But as she looked up at me, I couldn’t. I had to be honest with her about this, if nothing else; I lied to her often enough, especially when I told her I loved her.
“Not anymore.”
She surprised me again, by giving me a sad smile and placing a hand on my shoulder. The understanding I saw in her eyes was so unexpected, as was the gentleness of her touch; my eyes watered as they searched hers, but she merely nodded, wrapping her arms around me. I shifted to return the embrace, but for once it felt like she was supporting me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair as a mother would soothe her child.
I barely felt the tears that flowed down my cheeks and onto her blouse, but she just whispered soothing words, holding me. I didn’t deserve such kindness from someone I’d effectively been cheating on, but there it was. After a few minutes I pulled back, and I felt like I was seeing her in a whole new light. She smiled, wiping my cheeks and patting my shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay. Things happen for a reason, Taylor, even when we don’t want them to.” Her words comforted me even more than her soothing hands. Maybe all I’d needed was for someone to tell me it would all be alright. I returned her smile, genuinely feeling a sliver of happiness for the first time in a while, however small. We sat quietly for a few minutes, sharing the simple meal she’d given me; there was an almost sacred feeling to it, like we were commemorating the shift that had occurred.
I’d love to say things got easier after that, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. There were days at the studio when I had to leave the room for a moment, just to calm my breathing and my shaking hands. There were nights when I awoke from dreams of Zac, sometimes with me, sometimes with Carrick. And there were times in the shower when the water streaming down my face tasted saltier than it should have.
But I did the best I could. I took those few extra breaths, or rolled over to watch my wife sleeping soundly beside me. Natalie was nothing if not patient; she never said a word when I came out of the bathroom, my face looking worse than when I went in, or when I held her tighter for no reason. She did more than she had to, between the comforting touches and understanding smiles, never pressing, but always there. It was strange; our marriage was still coming to an end, but a different kind of relationship was taking its place.
What made it go even more smoothly, though, was the change I started to see in Zac. He seemed happier than he’d been in years, more confident and assertive. Maybe I loved Zac too much to make him change, but Carrick seemed to be doing just fine. Though it hurt to think about them together, I was more sure than ever that I’d made the right choice. And when I did see them together, the growing love between them was painfully obvious.
There were times when I felt his eyes on me, or when his smile would falter, but they were becoming fewer and farther between. He never brought up the subject of ‘us’ though, and for that I was grateful. I felt confident in the choice I’d made, but I knew I only had so much resolve. I didn’t know how much it would take to break me, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be much.
It was a normal Thursday night, about a month and a half after I broke up with my brother. I helped Natalie get the kids to bed, washed the dishes with her, then followed her up to our bedroom. When I came out of the shower in my plaid pajama pants, she was sitting at her vanity, brushing out her hair. I leaned in the doorway for a minute, just watching her; sometimes I forgot just how beautiful I found her, especially when both of us were caught up in the gritty details of life with four children. But in that moment, she was stunning.
She saw me in the mirror, one manicured eyebrow raising; I just smiled, walking over and resting my hands on her shoulders. She didn’t say anything as I leaned down to kiss the top of her head, but I could tell she was surprised at the display of affection. It’d been months since we’d been even remotely intimate, even before my relationship with Zac ever began. I didn’t know what was causing my actions any more than she did, but maybe I just wanted her to know that even though things between us were changing, I still cared about her.
“Taylor!” Natalie laughed as I picked her up and carried her over to the bed, hitting the lights on my way; her laughter died as I laid next to her, running my fingers through her hair. She covered my hand with hers, and I could tell in her eyes that this was okay. I leaned closer and laid a gentle kiss on her lips; it felt like a promise and an apology, and her response felt like acceptance of both.
There was no urgency, but no hesitation, either; time seemed to halt, letting us lose ourselves in each other. It was unspoken but understood that this was the last, the final goodbye; it was at once bittersweet and beautiful, and both of us shed a tear for what was, what could have been, and what never would be. But there was no real sorrow; it was like letting go of a childhood dream that you’ve outgrown, but still have fond memories of. The childhood dream of growing old together was one we’d both held on to, but the harsh reality had eventually taken its toll, and acknowledging it felt more like relief than regret.
Afterwards, as Natalie lay asleep in my arms, I thought again of Zac and Carrick. Perhaps they would succeed where I’d failed; I wished them the best, even though it broke my heart every time. It wasn’t any easier than it’d been that day in the park, but I’d learned to ignore the pain, to look past it to see how happy Zac seemed. I wondered if he was laying in Carrick’s arms, sleeping soundly next to the man he loved. I trusted Carrick to take good care of him; if Zac had to be with anyone, I’m glad it was his long-time friend.
Morning came, the sunlight filtering through the curtains and casting a natural spotlight on my sleeping wife. I thought of kissing her forehead, but decided against it; the time for that had come and gone. Instead, I carefully pulled my arm out from under her and padded downstairs to start breakfast. The magic of the previous evening had faded while we slept, and now a sense of finality was settling. When she joined me not long after, I could tell she felt it as well.
“I’m meeting with my lawyer again this afternoon,” she said quietly as she sipped her coffee. She seemed almost apologetic as she stared down at her cup; I just nodded, focusing on the bacon and eggs in front of me. The lawyer’s appointments were becoming more frequent, for both of us, and I knew the paperwork wouldn’t be far behind. There was so much to discuss, but neither one of us wanted to bring it up. But now, the weight of the situation was really hitting us both it seemed.
I turned to say something, but she was already heading back upstairs. It was probably for the best; there was nothing more to say, really. Our marriage was officially over, emotionally if not legally. I sighed as I turned back to the stove; I just wished it’d been that easy to sever ties with Zac. I wondered if he still thought about me at all, if he still wished I’d said yes to him. There were times when I wished I had, but I reminded myself how happy he looked, how much better off he seemed to be. It was a small comfort, but with so much of my life slipping away, I was willing to take anything I could get.