Zac
I cried the whole way back to my house. It felt like over the last few days, I had cried more than in my entire life, and I didn’t even care how pathetic that was. I had felt more in the past few days than ever before, and few of those feelings had been good.
It had been a long time since I had actually let myself into the main house rather than going straight up the stairs to my studio, and that felt weird. The house wasn’t quiet, like I had expected. Instead, I could hear the sound of video games coming from the living room. Sure enough, there was Carrick sprawled across the couch, an xBox controller in his hand and a cigarette dangling from his lips. As soon as he saw me, he tossed the controller down and stubbed the cigarette out on a dish that I was pretty sure was not an ash tray.
I slumped down onto the couch next to him and he scooted close to me, wrapping his arm around me and rubbing my back. I couldn’t even say a single word; as soon as he touched me, the waterworks started again. He held me close and rubbed my back, whispering soothingly in my ear as I cried against him.
“I was…” I managed to say, taking a deep breath. “I was right about Kate. Ran right to his house.”
Carrick nodded, not saying a word. I hadn’t actually told him I was going to the studio when I left to take a drive, but I think we both knew that’s where I was going to end up. Usually going for a drive helped to clear my mind; for obvious reasons, this drive hadn’t. I sniffled a little and tried to collect myself enough to finish telling him what had happened.
“And umm… we talked. About her and everything. What I did. What I told her.”
“Mhm,” Carrick replied softly, his hand still on my back.
“It was going pretty well… but…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I had thought it really was going well. Taylor had seemed a lot less upset with me and that seemed to be a good sign, but I was wrong.
Carrick leaned his head against mine and stroked my hair. “It’s okay…”
“He wouldn’t…” I managed to gasp out between tiny little sobs. “He still said… I shouldn’t be with him.”
Carrick pulled back a bit, looking a little confused, or maybe just anticipating what I was going to say next. I couldn’t be sure.
“He said I’d be happier without him.”
“Meaning?” Carrick asked softly. “You’d be happier… with me?”
I nodded. “He even asked me, made me tell him, whether or not it was just… friendship.”
Carrick stiffened a little at that, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I glanced away from him, unsure if I really should have mentioned that part of the conversation with Taylor. I knew I had been less than tactful when I had told him that the sex with him was different, and I was beginning to see that I wasn’t being fair to him, but I didn’t quite know how to fix it.
“And what did you tell him?” Carrick asked.
“That… that…” I stuttered, still unable to meet his eyes. “It’s just… different than with him.”
Out of the corner of my eyes I saw him nod. “Different… but not necessarily better? Or worse?”
“Just… different,” I replied, knowing it was such a cop out answer. A sob worked its way out of my body again. “I don’t know, Carrick. It’s so confusing.”
He nodded and sighed, running his hand through my hair. God, he was good to me. Too good. Far more than I deserved right then.
“And I couldn’t lie to him… about you,” I said softly.
Carrick nodded again, looking me in the eyes. I tried to avoid his stare, but I couldn’t. His eyes were so intense, but not full of the sort of judgment that I expected.
“Zac…” he said softly, giving me the tiniest hint of a smile.
“Wh-what?”
“You don’t have to be afraid to say how you feel, you know. One way or the other, I’m not going anywhere. You’re kinda stuck with me,” he said, smirking.
“I thought I got rid of the old battle axe,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh. Carrick smirked and I added, “And now I come home to another one.”
His eyes widened a little at that, but then he let out a light laugh. He brushed his hand across my face and I trembled a little at the touch. His eyes bore into me again. “You know what I mean, though.”
“I know.” And I did know that. If he had stood by my side even after finding out I had been dating my own brother, then I didn’t think there was anything in the world that would make him leave and throw away our friendship.
“Whatever you decide… I’ll still be here.”
“It just feels like I’m betraying Taylor,” I admitted. Carrick gave a little sigh at that and I wondered if yet again I had said the wrong thing. With me, it was pretty much a given.
“By doing what he told you to do?” Carrick asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well…”
“Repeatedly?”
“Damn your logic.” He wasn’t wrong. Taylor had told me to be with Carrick. Hell, he had told me that even before I thought it was ever a possibility. I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that it was now a possibility, but it seemed more and more like it was and that Carrick wanted it.
Carrick just smirked at me, and I felt this strange fluttering in my heart. I knew that feeling. It wasn’t really the first time I had felt it for Carrick, but in the past it had seemed that the friendship feelings and the sexual feelings were totally separate. Now… I wasn’t so sure.
“I have this problem,” I said. “I always do what Taylor tells me to do.”
It was true. I could be the most stubborn person in the world, and Taylor brought that out in me more than anyone else – aside from, perhaps, Kate – but ultimately I wanted nothing more than to please him. That wasn’t a new development, either; that had always been a fact of our relationship, ever since we were kids.
“Hmm…” Carrick replied, smirking a little more. “So why stop now?”
“Yeah… I guess,” I said, giving him a weak smile. It was really all I could manage at the moment and I hoped it was enough.
Carrick bit his lip and looked – was it possible? — shy. I didn’t think that was a word I would ever use to describe him, but nothing else seemed to fit. I couldn’t help wondering if he was feeling well.
“You okay, man?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
In an instant, the shy look was gone and replaced with a grin. “Of course.”
“Okay…”
I still didn’t totally believe him, but if he said it was okay, then it was either okay or it was going to be. I trusted Carrick. His finger traced the outline of my face and I felt myself instantly relaxing, a soft little sigh falling out of my mouth. It took so little, just the tiniest touch from him, to make me feel better.
“You know, there’s a saying…” Carrick said softly, smirking.
“Oh?”
“If you can’t be with the one you love…” he said, leaning closer and smirking. Oh, he was so cheesy, and I kind of loved it. “I think you know the rest.”
I nodded. “Love the one you’re with.”
Carrick actually began to shake a little when I said it He started to pull back and I wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. I knew that for once I hadn’t said the wrong thing. But it still didn’t feel exactly right.
“But… you know I love someone else,” I said. “That’s not really fair to you, is it?”
Carrick stared into my eyes for a moment, then smiled. “You’re worth it.”
“I’m…” I stuttered out, my lip quivering. I refused to let myself cry again, so I just shook my head and said, “No.”
“You say you’re not and I’m gonna slap you silly.”
“Don’t you think I’ve been slapped enough today?” I asked, pouting.
Carrick gave a little laugh, then returned my pout with one of his own. “Sorry…”
“It’s okay,” I replied, sighing. “Not the first time she’s slapped me. Might be the last, though, after my reaction…”
“Zac… I’m sorry.”
I shrugged. “Like I told Tay, it’s not like she’s really physically abusive. It’s not like it sounds. She’s still a cunt, but… not like that.”
The more I told people that, the more I felt like I was trying to make excuses, but I was certain it was the truth. Kate had slapped me from time to time, sure. But it wasn’t some pattern of behavior that really meant anything. Carrick didn’t press the issue, though. He didn’t try to convince me that I was wrong. He just brushed his hand against my cheek, the one Kate had slapped. I bit my lip and tried not to wince, but it did hurt a little.
“Does it look bad?” I asked.
“No,” Carrick said, shaking his head. “You can barely tell.”
“That’s good,” I replied with a nod. I fingered my scarf lightly, “I mean, between that and… well, I’ve gotta look pretty rough right now.”
Carrick gave me a little smirk and pulled the scarf back. His eyes fell to my neck, surveying the marks he had left there that morning and the night before. He wasn’t gentle at all, so I could only imagine that even now, just a few hours later, I already had a few dark bruises.
“Not bad…” Carrick muttered, a little smirk crossing his face.
I felt myself blush a little, and it only deepened as he stared into my eyes and brushed his fingers across the bruises on my neck. I whimpered a little, my body trembling under his touch. Carrick gave me another smirk and applied the tiniest amount of pressure. I only trembled more and whimpered his name.
“Sorry…” he said, chuckling.
“Does your libido have an off switch?”
He looked away, his brow furrowing as though he were giving my question serious consideration. After a moment, he turned back and grinned. “Don’t think so.”
“You had to think?” I asked, laughing loudly. Carrick just shrugged. “You are so weird.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he replied, his voice softening a little. “You love it.”
“Yeah… I do,” I said honestly.
Carrick smirked, his eyebrow twitching a little. I could tell he was about to say something perverted, and as much as I loved that side of him… it just didn’t seem like the right time. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, what had happened between us, but I knew that something had changed in a big way.
“Carrick, I…” I began to say, my lip quivering a little. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to finish that statement, but the words had started to come out of my mouth all on their own.
His smirk fell a little and he pressed a finger to my lips. “Let’s… not get ahead of ourselves. One step at a time.”
Carrick gave me a little smile, and I relaxed a little, seeing the wisdom in his words. He left his finger there on my lips, as though he didn’t trust me not to say something dumb. It was a temptation that I couldn’t resist. I let my tongue dart out and lick a path up his finger, then grinned. Carrick raised an eyebrow and I just shrugged. “You put it there.”
“Zac…” Carrick said, his smirk falling away and his face turning serious.
“Yeah?”
He looked away. It was weird to see Carrick looking hesitant. Vulnerable wasn’t a word I would have normally associated with him, but at that moment, I couldn’t think of any other word that properly described him. Still not meeting my eyes, he said, “I’m not going to push for anything. You know that.”
“I know,” I replied with a nod.
“So, if you want this to mean something…” He finally turned his head back to me. “You call the shots. Understand?”
I nodded again. There was something a little cryptic about the way he said it, but I didn’t have any doubt what he meant. I was still uncertain how he felt, but that vulnerable look gave me a big hint. As for my own feelings… those were becoming more and more obvious by the second.
“Carrick, it does… mean something,” I replied. He stared at me for a second, then nodded. I gave him a little smirk. “I’m not just using you for your hot body.”
He returned my smirk, but I let my own fall away. I wanted him to know that I meant it and that I really wasn’t just using him. I knew it probably seemed that way, and I knew that I really hadn’t been fair in my treatment of him. Never had I intentionally meant to hurt him or use him, though, and I needed him to know that. But it was hard to find the right words.
“It does… mean something to me,” I repeated. “You mean something to me.”
“I know, Zac,” he replied with a smile. “You mean something to me, too.”
I didn’t even care that he was mocking me a little, throwing my words back in my face. He wasn’t doing it to be malicious. Because that was just Carrick; no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. I had taken that for granted, and I wanted to make up for it.
“Maybe…” I said, letting a little smile creep across my face. “Maybe I will do what Taylor says.”
“Yeah?” Carrick asked, his voice soft.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Carrick leaned in closer, his eyes wide. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was a little scared or maybe nervous. “Does that mean… you have something to ask me?”
He gave me a hopeful little smile and I nodded. I felt every bit as nervous as he looked, but I didn’t have any doubt what his answer to that question would be. Still, if he wanted me to ask, I would.
“Will you… be my boyfriend?”
Carrick’s eyes fell closed for a second. When he looked at me again, all the nervousness was gone, replaced by an emotion that I couldn’t quite place. With a little smirk, he said, “Thought you’d never ask.”
“Yeah, right,” I replied, grinning. “You know I’m slow.”
Carrick snorted and I gave him a playful shove, pouting a little. I was glad that we could still joke around, even when our entire relationship had changed in less than twenty four hours.
Giving me a little smirk, he asked, “So, you gonna kiss me or what?”
“Thought you’d never ask,” I replied with a smirk of my own, grabbing his face and kissing him.
He laughed against my mouth, wrapping his arms tightly around me and pulling me closer. I was still a little bit disbelief at everything that had happened, but right then, being with him felt like exactly the place I needed to be.