Taylor
My day had started out well enough. Breakfast was good, my kids were cute as always, and I didn’t hit any traffic on the way to the studio. The only hiccup was Ike calling in sick, but even that couldn’t put a damper on my mood. I didn’t know why, but I woke up feeling strangely optimistic. I couldn’t wait to see Zac; I’d been a bit harsh, but maybe we could talk, even more freely because of Isaac’s absence. I had high hopes, and they showed in the grin on my face as soon as he walked into the studio.
How quickly things change.
The day just kept getting worse and worse. By the time I finally came home, I felt completely emotionally drained. So when I heard Kate’s voice coming from the living room, I headed straight for my office. I caught bits and pieces, Zac’s name, Carrick’s, and something about needing help. I was curious, but I couldn’t find the motivation to move. It wasn’t until my stomach started grumbling that I dragged myself into the kitchen.
Kate was still at it, sobbing even. Her voice echoed through the house, a non-stop, high-pitched screech that was giving me a migraine. I couldn’t take it any more; I needed some peace. I didn’t even bother telling Natalie I was leaving, but I caught her eye as I passed the living room; she gave me a tiny nod and a sympathetic smile, which I returned before ducking out.
I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going; it was a wonder I didn’t wrap my car around a tree. But soon enough, I was pulling into a space outside the studio. The lights were off, everyone having gone hours ago. I smiled a bit as I walked inside, taking a breath and enjoying the silence. This was what I needed; peace, solitude, some time to sort my thoughts and feelings.
But the silence quickly became deafening, the solitude turning to cold isolation. I sat at the piano, tapping the keys absently, no real melody in mind. I tried to lose myself in the music, but even it eluded me, leaving me with an empty longing, too tired to chase but too desperate to let go. So much like myself, I thought as I played a melancholy note.
“Taylor.”
My hands paused. I hadn’t heard him come in; but I was so lost in my own world, I doubt I would’ve heard him screaming in my ear. I took a breath, letting my fingers begin to move again.
“Zac.”
“I, um… didn’t expect you to come back here tonight.”
“I could say the same thing for you,” I replied, laughing softly, but devoid of any real humor. “Kate came over.”
“Figures,” Zac snorted dismissively. My hands stopped again, the last note hanging in the air for a moment before fading away as if it were never there. I slowly turned to look at my brother, who looked about as exhausted as I felt. For a moment I felt sorry for him, but then I remembered why he probably looked that way.
“Where’s Carrick?” I asked softly. It wasn’t a dig, not really, even though perhaps I’d meant it to be.
“At the house.”
“So then why are you here?”
“Because you’re here,” Zac replied simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I let my hands fall to my lap, a deep sigh escaping me. I felt like I needed to say something, but before I could even figure out what, Zac cleared his throat, taking a step closer.
“Did… did Kate say why she was there?”
That was interesting; he wanted to know how much I knew. I shook my head, watching him carefully.
“Oh.”
“I heard… bits and pieces,” I added. “But not much.”
“I see…” Zac was quiet for a moment, before snorting again. “She’s probably too embarrassed to go gossiping about me again.”
Embarrassed? About what? I titled my head, confused; he caught the gesture and sighed.
“I… told her. She knows I’m gay.”
I actually gasped, my eyes widening. Today was just full of surprises; at least this one didn’t hurt.
“I’m still alive, so all things considered, she took it well,” he laughed softly.
“Why?”
“Why what?” Zac stared at me, confused, but I just stared right back.
“What made you tell her?” I had my suspicions, but I needed to know. Zac shrugged, seemingly unsure why I was asking; or maybe he hadn’t thought about why he’d done it, and simply acted. That did sound like him.
“Realized I couldn’t keep it up anymore. Trying to be happy with her when I’m not.”
I nodded slowly, letting Zac’s words sink in, searching for any deeper meanings.
“And… are you happy now?”
“No.” There was no hesitation, no uncertainty to the way he answered. I sighed heavily, something I realized I’d been doing a lot of lately, and turned away. I heard him step closer, standing at the end of the bench; I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to let him see mine. I could only imagine how they looked, red and puffy from the tears that’d been coming on and off all day.
“Tay,” Zac said softly, but I didn’t respond. “Taylor,” he said a bit more firmly, going on when I still wouldn’t look up. “I’m not with Carrick. I’m not going to be with Carrick.”
I used to love how stubborn Zac was; part of me still did. But as I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his, I wished for once he’d just listen.
“Why not?”
“Because he’s not you.”
“He loves you,” I said quietly. It pained me to say it out loud, but I knew it was true. I’d known it for a while, but Carrick had always played the best friend, because that’s what Zac wanted. “And you love him. Don’t try to tell me you don’t.”
“As a friend. I love him as a friend, Taylor.”
“Stop lying, Zac. Stop lying to yourself.”
“I’m not lying. If I had never… been with you, maybe it would be different. Maybe I could be with Carrick and be happy. But I fell for you, Taylor. I love you.”
I cringed, not wanting to feel everything those words made me feel.
“That’s not always enough.” I was trying to keep up the stony mask, but the tremble in my voice gave me away.
“I know,” Zac said, sighing. “And I know I haven’t really shown you that it’s true. And I’m sorry, Tay.”
“Don’t be.” Zac had nothing to apologize for, not really. Things just were the way they were. “Look… Maybe you do love him as a friend. But I know you, and I know him. And if I know Kate, things are about to get very, very ugly.”
“They’re already pretty damn ugly,” Zac interrupted, but I went on without commenting.
“And you need someone. Someone who can be there for you.”
“And Carrick will be there. As. A. Friend. Look, I’m sorry for bringing him here; I shouldn’t have done that.”
I snorted before I could stop myself; if that wasn’t the understatement of the year.
“Don’t… at me,” Zac spat, mimicking the dismissive noise. “I’m being serious here.”
“You?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “Serious?”
“Yes.” Zac crossed his arms, trying to look intimidating; it probably would’ve worked on anyone else, but being his older brother usually gave me an advantage.
“Look, you don’t even know what I just went through before I came over here. I don’t feel like dealing with someone else who’s gonna ignore my feelings and treat me like a child. So can you please just take me seriously and believe me?” Zac’s posture may not have affected me, but his words did; I slumped back, looking down guiltily.
“Thank you.” He sat at the other end of the piano bench, our knees almost touching, but I kept my eyes on the floor.
“So… what happened?”
“Well, I decided I didn’t want to put up with her shit, so.. I took Carrick in the house with me, and uh… she wasn’t happy.”
“Don’t tell me she walked in on you, too?”
“Oh God, no. I’d definitely be dead if she had.” Zac shuddered; it wasn’t a pleasant thought, to say the least. “And Tay, I am so sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t bring him here just to do that. It just happened.”
“I know,” I said quietly, nodding. “You’re not vindictive.”
“Well,” Zac snorted, “You didn’t hear some of the stuff I said to Kate.”
I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Zac was never one to pull his punches, except when it came to his wife; he was always the first to defend her, even when she was harping on him.
“Just called her out finally. I mean, she had the nerve to start bitching at me for not cleaning up after myself and all this shit.”
“You? Not clean up?” I couldn’t help smirking; Kate did have a bit of a point on that one, although Zac was nowhere near as bad as she made him out to be.
“Hush, I’m telling a story.” Zac pouted a bit, but it was too cute for me not to smirk at; still, I sat quietly while he told me everything that’d happened. I tried to keep my comments to a minimum; the fight didn’t sound all that bad, considering it was Kate we were talking about. I tried to ignore the thoughts that popped into my head when Zac told me he’d taken Carrick to his art studio; it wasn’t like it was our special place.
“And I may have, um… called her out on trying to get with the entire band,” Zac admitted quietly. “Well, that pissed her off, of course. She slapped me.”
“She what?” Suddenly I felt a very strong urge to do very painful things to her.
“It’s not the first time,” Zac shrugged, as if that was supposed to make me feel better; instead my eyes grew wider, and I sat up straighter, tensing. “I mean it’s not like… It’s not as bad as it sounds, honestly. She’s a cunt but she’s not like, abusive, physically.”
My eyes lost focus, and I muttered under my breath, but I tried to surpress the anger, encouraging Zac to continue. None of it made me feel any better about the situation, but I tried not to react outwardly, remembering how defensive Zac had gotten in the past.
“And at the end if it all, I told her it was over. We were over.” He stayed quiet, probably waiting for my reaction; I searched his eyes, curious and worried and trying not to be too excited.
“Zac… That’s a big decision.”
“I meant it,” Zac replied simply, shrugging. As if it was no big deal. I eyed him, suspicious.
“Why?”
“Because she’s a cunt?” Zac smirked, but I stared back at him seriously. “Because she would rather I stay in the closet, so she can be Mrs. Zac Hanson and pretend everything is perfect?”
“So it doesn’t have anything to do with… with what I told you the other day?” I felt a little narcissistic saying it, but I thought maybe my decision to leave Natalie may have played a role in Zac’s sudden act of defiance.
“That… made me start thinking seriously about it for the first time.”
“Zac… I hope to hell you’re not doing this just to please me.”
“Doesn’t look like it’s working if I was,” Zac joked, smiling weakly, and my stomach twisted.
“Zac…”
“Tay. She would still be a cunt even if I was straight. You helped me see that; and you could have done that under any circumstances. So yeah, you helped; but it needed to happen, no matter what.”
I nodded slowly, and let Zac finish. I bristled as he told me how she slapped him again; he seemed more worried about having almost hit her, and I refrained from saying she would’ve deserved it.
“And then,” Zac said, his eyes watering. “She said she was taking the babies too, and… and…” Zac’s lip quivered, but he tried to go on. “That she wouldn’t leave me alone with them… That I would corrupt them…”
I felt sick to my stomach.
“She actually thought that you… That you would…” I could feel my fists tightening, my teeth grinding, my lip curling. I heard a low growl coming from somewhere, and was only vaguely aware that it was me.
“Tay, please,” Zac said softly, his lip quivering, his eyes wide with fear. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself; I felt myself relax a little, my features softening, and Zac sighed, looking a little relieved. My own eyes stung, but I didn’t want to upset Zac further, so I leaned against the piano, running a hand through my hair.
“You know how she is, though. I’m not defending her, I’m just saying. I knew this was going to be bad, but I had to do it. And I’m… I’m glad it’s gonna be over.”
I looked over at Zac; as upset as I was, I was so proud of him, more than I’d ever been. I worried for him, for all he was about to go through, but in that moment I was in awe of his strength.
“On the bright side, she’s probably too disgusted and embarrassed to drag my name through the dirt that much. Not like it matters; she was the person I was most afraid of telling. Now that she knows…” Zac shrugged, smiling weakly.
“You don’t have to go through it alone, though.”
“I know,” Zac said, smiling more and nodding.
“I did tell Kate you knew about me too, but I didn’t say anything about you. That’s your thing, you can tell whoever you want, whenever you want. As you’ve proven,” he added with a smirk; I smiled back, thinking of how I’d come out to my wife.
“Speaking of which, how did that go over?”
“Surprisingly not that bad. She, uh… wasn’t that surprised.” It was a little embarrassing to admit, but I felt okay enough to laugh about it. Zac snorted, seeing the humor as well.
“It’s funny; I’m actually happy I have her.” I chuckled as Zac tilted his head at me, confused. “She’s a good friend,” I explained. “I needed that.”
“Friends are good to have,” Zac agreed, his smile falling. “And Taylor, I swear that’s all me and Carrick are.”
“Didn’t look like it this morning.” My words weren’t meant to be mean, but Zac still winced.
“Well…”
“Zac, can you look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing but friendship for him?”
“Tay…” Zac held my gaze, hesitant to answer, but I knew I was right. “I’m not gonna tell you I don’t love him, because I do. But it’s not anything remotely like what I feel for you. But he is just my friend. Yeah, we… did what we did… and that’s not really friendly, but… I don’t want to be with him. I don’t need him the way I need you.”
I had to look away to hide the pained expression. Zac was just confirming everything I already knew, but it still hurt like hell.
“You’d get over it,” I said softly, closing my eyes.
“You really believe that? You really think I could get over you?”
“I can’t give you what he can, Zac. We could never… really be together. Not the way you deserve.”
“So I couldn’t tell the world I’m with you,” Zac shrugged. “I think… I think I was making that into a bigger deal than it really is.”
“It’s not that simple, Zac. We’d constantly be looking over our shoulders, pretending to be what we’re not. It’d be the same as pretending you’re straight; you’d still be living a lie.”
“It’d be more of a lie to go on without you, pretending I’m happy with someone else.”
“But you would be happy,” I insisted, a bit more firmly. “Maybe not as happy, but still…” I fought the way my eyes were watering; I was supposed to be the strong older brother.
“So I should settle for less miserable?”
I hesitated, but nodded. It was a harsh way of putting it, but that was basically the idea.
“I thought you wanted me to be happy, Tay.” Zac’s words cut me deep, breaking the wall I’d been fighting to build, and I let out a choking sob. “Then why won’t you be with me? That’s what will make me happy.”
“Damn it Zac,” I cursed, my voice shaking. “It’s not… It’s not what’s best for you.”
“Don’t care,” Zac said, shrugging.
“Well I do,” I snapped, looking at Zac a bit angrily. My eyes softened as soon as I saw his pout, though, pangs of guilt nagging at me. “Zac,” I said, softly.
“What.” He turned away stubbornly, looking so much like a younger version of himself that I had to blink. I touched his cheek, turning him to face me; his eyes were wide and glossy, his lip shaking.
“I know this hurts. But you’re going to have to trust me on this.” Even though I held his face, Zac tried to look away, his eyes watering. “Zac, please look at me.” He finally met my eyes, and I felt my heart shattering. How could causing him so much pain be the right thing?
“I’m still your brother. That’s never going to change.” I had to swallow past the lump in my throat, my voice shaking terribly.
“That… that doesn’t make me feel better,” Zac almost whined, his voice shaking almost as bad as mine.
“And I’m always going to… to…” I had to close my eyes, biting my lip so hard it hurt.
“Yeah,” Zac sighed, echoing my unspoken words. I stood up abruptly, taking a few steps away; my resolve was wavering, and I was afraid of what I’d do if I didn’t distance myself.
“But right now I need to do what’s best for you,” I said as firmly as I could manage. “Whether you like it or not.” Against my better judgement, I turned to look at Zac; tears streamed down his perfect cheeks, and my lungs felt like they were caving.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, unsure how much I was apologizing for. “You should go.” I tried to smile, tried to think of how happy Zac would be… eventually. “Someone’s waiting for you.”
“I guess so.” Zac smiled weakly, and I thought that might’ve hurt worse than his tears.
“Goodbye, Zac,” I whispered, turning and heading into the other room before I could stop myself. It wasn’t until I heard the studio door close that I let myself collapse into a sea of tears, completely willing to drown myself in it.