Zac
To say that I was scared shitless of confronting Kate was an understatement. An extreme understatement. Words that could adequately describe how much that conversation scared me hadn’t been invented yet. I knew I had to do it, though, and the sooner the better. With Carrick by my side, I felt the tiniest bit more confident.
I took him by the hand and led him down the stairs and into the house. There was a tiny little hallway between the garage and the house, and I stood there for a second, mustering up all my courage. Carrick gave my hand a tiny squeeze and smiled at me reassuringly. If he thought I could do this, then I supposed I could. With one last look at him, I took a deep breath, dropped his hand, and pushed open the door that lead into the kitchen.
Kate was standing at the sink, washing dishes, and I was pretty sure she didn’t hear me come in. I cleared my throat. “Hey, Kate.”
“Zac, I–” She spun around as she said it, and I could see the surprise in her eyes as she noticed Carrick standing by my side. “Oh. Hello. Thank you so much for telling me we had company, dear.”
“Hey, Katie,” Carrick said with a smirk. I resisted the urge to smirk as well; he knew how much she hated it when he used that nickname. No one but me and her family were allowed to call her that. And Carrick was definitely not someone she considered family.
I felt my confidence fade a little as her eyes narrowed. “Uh… sorry. He just came out here last night.”
“Uh huh. Right,” she replied with a nod, turning back to the dishes. “Still would have been nice if I’d been informed. Or if someone had bothered to pick up a bit.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Carrick rolling his. He never did really have the patience to put up with Kate’s shit; that was probably the biggest reason they didn’t get along. Sometimes – especially right then – I wished I were a lot more like him.
“Hey, I’ve been out in the garage. Very little of this,” I said, waving my arm around at the messy kitchen, “is my fault.”
Kate spun around again and glared at me. Yeah, I had definitely said the wrong thing. I had a way of doing that. “Oh Really? So I’m supposed to believe it was the kids that ate the last of the cake, which was on the top shelf of the fridge, and left the plate on the counter?”
“No, that one was me,” I replied, giggling. I didn’t remember whatever cake she was talking about, but I figured it was safe to assume that I had had a serious case of the munchies. Oops.
“Or drank the rest of the milk and left an empty carton?”
“Also me,” I said. That one I did remember; it was a long standing bad habit of mine that Kate had never quite been able to break. Her eyes narrowed and I shrugged. “Sorry.”
She rolled her eyes and huffed. “Just one, I wish you had to see what I put up with every day… anyway, aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“Yeah… uh…” I stuttered out, remembering that morning’s events. “We weren’t really getting any work done. Not a good day.”
“Gee, I wonder why,” she replied, staring pointedly at Carrick and sneering.
His eyes widened a bit and he smirked. “Aww, is someone talking about me?”
“He may have been a… distraction,” I replied, unable to contain my own smirk.
Carrick snorted, and I could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh. Kate didn’t get the joke, I was sure. How could she? She would never have suspected me of… something like that. Still, her patience with me – what little she had to begin with – was running out. I watched as she took a deep breath and then said, “Zachary…”
“Kathryn…” I echoed, shamelessly mocking her. I could see the anger written all over her face, her eyes flaring.
“Would it be too much to ask for just a little help around here, before you go back to goofing off with your little friend?”
“Not that little…” Carrick muttered, just barely loud enough for me to hear. I glanced over at him and couldn’t help giggling at his guilty little smirk.
Kate’s eyes flickered to Carrick, then back to me. “Is something funny? Please, I love a good joke. Fill me in.”
She crossed her arms and stared at me, waiting for me to explain. Carrick snorted again and gave me a little look. So he was going to be useless in this. Awesome. With a slight giggle, I said, “You uh… wouldn’t get it. Inside joke.”
Carrick chuckled, and Kate sighed heavily. I knew that joking around wasn’t making this any easier, but I couldn’t help it. It was so hard not to joke and be silly with Carrick around, and it was really the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
“Fine, Zac. Whatever,” Kate said, tears welling up in her eyes. Was she fucking kidding me? I was used to her being overdramatic, but this was taking it too far, when I really hadn’t done anything at all. “Just… go. Some of us have work to do.”
“No. Actually, umm…” I paused to clear my throat and muster up my courage again. “We need to talk.”
“Really, Zachary?” She asked, looking back and forth between me and Carrick. “Now?”
“Yes, no. What’s wrong with now?”
“Fine,” she replied, sighing. She stared pointedly at Carrick. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all,” he said with a grin, leaning casually against the counter. Oh, I loved that boy. Balls of steel, I swear.
Kate wasn’t as amused by him as I was, though. She tapped her foot impatiently, and I sighed, giving Carrick a bit of a pleading look. He looked back at me and rolled his eyes.
“Fine…” he said, walking past me toward the dining room. “Wish I had some popcorn…”
I snickered, watching him walk away. He looked like he owned the place, even though I could only remember one other time he had even been in my house. That had been a disaster, but I couldn’t exactly say no when he called me up and asked if he could crash with me because the band’s hotel reservation had been canceled. Okay, so maybe I should have told Kate about the plan before he showed up at the door. Live and learn, I guess.
Kate glared at me. “Alright, out with it.”
“Umm…” I couldn’t help giggling a little at her choice of words. If she only knew.
“What was so important that you had to embarrass me in front of company?”
“I really don’t think it bothered Carrick that much,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “He has met you before, after all.”
I could hear Carrick chuckling from the next room, but Kate didn’t seem so amused. “And just what is that supposed to mean?”
“That he knows what you’re like.”
“What I’m like?” Her eyes widened at that; she was more than accustomed to my sarcasm, but me standing up to her? That was new.
“That’s what I said,” I replied, causing Kate to tap her feet impatiently. I crossed my arms and stood my ground as best I could. “I mean, it’s no secret that you don’t like him.”
She rolled her eyes. “Gee, I’m surprised you picked up on that. And do you know why I don’t like him, Zachary?”
“I can think of a few reasons,” I said, smirking. She might have had her reasons, but she really had no clue. And while the thought of telling her all the reasons should have scared me, it kind of amused me.
Her eyes narrowed. “Do you think you could try to be serious for just a second?”
“Fine,” I said, adopting the most serious face I could manage.
“Thank you,” she said. “I don’t like him because he’s a bad influence. On you, on our children…”
“Right,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Because I didn’t smoke weed before I met him. Nope. That was all Carrick. Kate, I was smoking before I met you.”
“He has no respect. For anyone.”
“That’s not true,” I replied, anger bubbling up inside me. After everything Carrick had done for me – which Kate, of course, had no clue about – she had no right to talk about him like that.
She snorted. “Oh really?”
“He is an amazing friend, Kate. Seriously.”
I knew I sounded like a child, but I didn’t care. I would have defended Carrick against Kate’s insults if it killed me. Kate must have agreed that I sounded like a child, though, because she rolled her eyes hard.
“So I have to be serious, but you can’t take me seriously?”
“It’s all about you. Your perfect friend, who can do no wrong,” Kate said, sniffling a little. “Well, I’m sorry for trying to look out for you.”
Neither her sniffle or her pout was going to work on me this time. Once upon a time I believed she wanted the best for me. She was older, smarter, and she said she loved me; what reason did I have to doubt that she meant well? Now, though, I could see through it all. I could see her attempts to manipulate me for exactly what they were.
“Don’t you even dare act like the victim here,” I said, rolling my eyes. Her pout fell away and was quickly replaced by a glare. “Now there’s the Kate I know.”
“Right… of course,” she replied, glancing away for a second, then looking back with a self-satisfied little smirk on her face. “If he’s so perfect, then why are you hiding him? Guilty conscience, perhaps?”
“You’re really going to regret asking that.”
Her eyes widened. “Is that a threat, Zachary?”
“No, I’m just saying.” And it really wasn’t a threat. It was just a fact; she was going to regret asking why I was hiding Carrick up in my studio.
She stepped in a little closer. “Because I do not respond well to threats.”
“Yeah, you’re usually the one making them,” I shot back.
She stopped, her mouth hanging open a bit. So I had managed to shock her. And I was only getting started. Her eyes narrowed and she hissed, “How dare you! I have never threatened you, Zachary. How could you even…”
“Right, okay,” I replied. “Keep telling yourself that.”
“I think you should go for a while,” she said, shaking with anger. “I really don’t think I want to continue this conversation right now.”
“Oh no. I’m just getting started.”
I should have been scared. I should have taken her advice and left before I said everything that I knew would only make her hate me. But I wasn’t, and I didn’t. I was sick of hiding and sick of letting her push me around. Her head tilted to the side, no doubt confused by the fact that she hadn’t gotten her way. I leaned in a little closer and lowered my voice.
“Do you really want to know why I’m hiding him?”
Her eyes widened, then narrowed, and I couldn’t help smirking. There was something kind of fun about giving her a taste of her own bitter medicine. For once, I wasn’t even worried when she said, “You had better choose your words very, very carefully.”
It was now or never. I lowered my voice again. “Maybe he is a bad influence… but he’s so good at it.”
Kate stared at me, as though she couldn’t quite made sense of what I had said. I stared back at her, wondering if I was really going to have to make it clearer. Maybe she didn’t get it. After all, how could she have ever expected that? She took a step back. “I want him gone, Zachary. Now. Out of my house.”
“Excuse me?” I said in disbelief. “Your house?”
“You heard me,” she replied, crossing her arms. How fucking dare she.
“Yeah, I did. And it’s my fucking house, too.”
She snorted. “For all the good you do around here…”
“You mean, like how I pay for all of the shit in this house? Like that?”
“Right,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Because that’s what keeps a household together. Who cleans up the dishes? Who does the laundry? Who raises our children?”
I could feel my anger bubbling up again, but I couldn’t even say a word. In a way, she was right. I certainly wasn’t a deadbeat dad, not by any means, but could I have done better? Sure. But I had given her everything she wanted – a big house, beautiful children, plenty of money, and my last name. My eyes narrowed as I stared at her, still too angry to speak.
“Who, Zachary? While you’re off being a rock star, who’s the one cleaning up your mess?”
That was the last straw. “Oh, you like you don’t just love that I’m a rock star. I mean, I know I wasn’t your first choice, but I’ll do, right?”
“How dare you…” She muttered, her eyes flaring with anger again.
“Just tell me,” I said, feeling like I was on a roll now. “Would you have kept trying if you hadn’t gotten me? Because really, I think Mac would have been too young for you.”
“You… I…” She was shaking then, obviously furious.
“No, it’s fine. I get it. Third time’s the charm.”
Before I even realized what she was doing, she had stepped in and slapped me hard across the face. I reeled backward, in shock. Kate’s eyes still flashed with anger as she said, “How dare you!”
“You’re mad at me? You know what you did, and you’re mad at me?!”
“How could you…” she said, her eyes filling with tears again. “You promised me you’d never…”
“That I’d never what?”
Her eyes narrowed. “What I did before we were together is none of your business, Zachary. None. I thought you understood that.”
I laughed out loud. “It is my business when it’s not one, but two, of my brothers.”
Kate’s eyes widened as she realized that I now knew the whole truth. Again, that should have surprised me or scared me or something, but it didn’t. I kind of enjoyed this, in a sick way.
“But you neglected to tell me about the second one, didn’t you?”
“I… I didn’t…” she stuttered. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“Taylor wouldn’t lie to me,” I said simply. As upset as I was with him, there was absolutely no way I was going to side with Kate over him. Never again.
“Oh, that’s right,” Kate said, her eyes narrowing. “Your perfect big brother.”
“Yes. That is right.” I crossed my arms, still not backing down. It didn’t matter at all what she said about him, I would defend Taylor as much, if not more, than I defended Carrick.
“You worship him even more than you do Carrick. It’s sick, really.”
Oh hell no. If she hadn’t figured it out yet, I knew she would soon. Very soon. I felt myself shaking a little, out of fear and anger, as I chose my next words carefully.
“You… you have no idea how I worship Carrick.”
“You…” Kate said, her head tilting as she struggled to understand. I couldn’t help giggling slightly as her eyes widened with realization. “You don’t mean…”
“But I certainly do get down on my knees for him…”
“You can’t mean…” Kate said, still trying to deny it.
“Can’t I?”
Her face twisted into a look of total disgust. “Zachary Walker Hanson, that is not funny.”
“Funny isn’t the first word I’d use for it, no,” I replied.
“So…” she said, searching my eyes for a moment. I could see tears welling up in hers yet again, and I actually did feel a little sympathy that time. “Is that why? Why you can’t…”
“Would you prefer if it was just you?” I asked, mt voice softening the tiniest bit. “Or the entire gender?”
Her eyes widened again. “You disgust me. Get out of my house.”
“It’s not. Your. House,” I growled.
“Oh, yes it is!” Kate said, her voice raised and shaking a little. “It’s more mine than yours, you… you…”
I stared at her. I knew exactly the word she wanted to say, because god knows I’d thought it about myself, but she hated to curse. And more than that, I’d imagine, she hated realizing that word could possibly apply to her own husband.
Shaking a little, I said, “Say it.”
She opened her mouth, and I really thought she was going to say it that time. But no. She gagged. She actually gagged on the word, and turned away from me. The words she actually said shocked me even more.
“Get out.”
I could only stare at her, open mouthed, and stutter. She was kicking me out of my own house? I had known she was close-minded and that it would not be fun to tell her I was gay, but this was a turn of events that I really hadn’t predicted. The worst part? She laughed at me.
“I hope you liked seeing your kids, Zachary…”
“Kate. No,” I said, my eyes wide with fear. She couldn’t… she wouldn’t. But she was.
“You’re sick,” she said, spinning around to face me. “I don’t want you twisting them.”
“Kate,” I repeated, tears welling up in my eyes. How could she think that? That would I hurt our babies? “I’m not… that’s…”
“You’re not what?” She asked, looking around the room as though there were someone around – besides Carrick, obviously – who might overhear. “Gay?”
“No, I’m definitely gay,” I said, the words coming out far more confident than I felt. “But that doesn’t make me twisted.”
“Oh yes it does,” she spat back, shuddering a little. “God, were you just… using me?”
“You’re one to talk,” I replied, snorting. She hardly even seemed to hear me.
“What was I, your cover?”
“Kate, it’s not that fucking simple,” I replied.
“Oh yeah?” Her patronizing tone made my anger flare again. She didn’t have to say it, but I could just tell that in addition to sick and twisted, she also thought I was a complete idiot. And I really wasn’t going to stand for that.
“It took me years to figure this out, okay? And so you got your claws into me in the meantime. Good job.”
Her eyes flared again and she took a deep breath. “Nice to know you value your wife so highly.”
“Because you value me so very much, right?”
“Don’t be stupid, Zac,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You’re my husband.”
Once upon a time, it would have actually meant something to hear her say that. Those few words would have been enough to convince me that she cared. But what did it matter if she was my wife, if she didn’t act like she gave a damn about me?
“I’m your meal ticket,” I said, not missing the way her eyes widened in surprise that I would actually say it. But I had only just begun. “You have never, ever missed an opportunity to insult me, belittle me, tear me down any way you can. Don’t you even fucking deny that.”
“Well, maybe if you would learn from your mistakes, I wouldn’t have to keep pointing them out.”
She didn’t even deny it. She couldn’t. She knew every word I said was true, so all she could do was try to pin the blame on me. It was pathetic, I realized, and I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me!” She raised her voice, as though she were yelling at a misbehaving child. “I swear, it’s like being married to a five year old.”
“Yeah, well you chose to marry me.”
“Because I thought you would actually grow up someday.”
“No, because you thought you could change me.”
“I never…” she began, shaking her head slowly. But she couldn’t finish the sentence, probably because finishing it would have been a lie.
“I’m not an idiot, Kate. I can see right through you now. I was your last choice, but you thought you could change me, turn me into a good boyfriend and husband. Didn’t really work out for you, did it?”
“Zachary… this isn’t you,” she said, her eyes softening a little. She took a few steps closer and I resisted the urge to back up or continue. I had no clue what angle she was trying to work now. “What’s he done to you?”
“Bad choice of words, Kate,” I said, snorting a little. “You don’t really want me to tell you what he’s done to me.”
She gagged again, but continued on with her pathetic attempt at caring. “Did he… did he hurt you? Did he make you think these things? You need help, sweetie…”
“No, I don’t. Don’t you dare act concerned,” I said, not affected at all by the way her eyes watered. I didn’t even care if she really thought I was under some weird brainwashing by Carrick, or if it was just another ploy to make me think she cared. It was ridiculous and absolutely wrong. “I’m gay. End of story. It’s not Carrick’s fault. It’s just what I am.”
“I’m not allowed to care about my husband now?” She asked, completely ignoring the part where I said I was gay, and only focusing on the part where I had insulted her. Typical.
“You never have before.”
“How… how can you say that?” Her eyes watered more and her lower lip shook. “Zac… don’t you love me anymore?”
I shook my head, not even caring if I was being cruel now. I just didn’t have it in me to care about her feelings anymore. “No. I guess I don’t.”
Kate’s breathing speed up for a second, and I was a little afraid of what she would say next. Her face softened slightly as a tear fell down her cheek, but then she gritted her teeth again. “You’re going to regret this, Zachary.”
“Would you prefer that I lie?” I asked. “Tell you I love you, and just pretend to be straight for the rest of my life?”
“You’ve been doing it this long, apparently…”
“Right, so I’ll just keep it up,” I replied, snorting. I couldn’t even believe she would suggest that. It had been a rhetorical question to show her how ridiculous she was, and she didn’t see it at all.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m not happy, Kate!”
“And you think I am?! That’s not what keeps a family together, Zachary. Grow up. It’s not about being happy. It’s about living your life day to day, doing what needs to be done.”
“So you would rather I be absolutely fucking miserable, and live a fucking lie for the rest of my life, so that you can keep playing house here?” I asked, growing angrier with each word until I was practically growling. “Fuck. That.”
She laughed. “That’s right, I play house. Because everything is just a big game, right?”
“Yeah, it kinda seems that way,” I replied, so angry that I was shaking.
“You would see it that way. You’re such a child, Zachary! When will you learn that that’s not how the world works?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t even going to try to play along with her anymore and let her put me down. If she could insult me, then I could insult her back. “Maybe I am a child, but you’re a fucking bitch.”
She gasped. From the other room, I could hear Carrick’s distinct laugh, despite his efforts to stifle it.
“I… have never been… so embarrassed…” Kate gasped out.
“Oh well. Not my problem.”
“I’m your wife, Zachary! So actually, yes, it is your problem.”
I rolled my eyes. “I really have bigger problems right now than you being fucking embarrassed.”
“Yes, you do,” she replied.
“Don’t even try to make me feel sorry for you right now, Kate. It won’t fucking work.”
“Of course not,” she said. “I’m sure you’re far too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Like always.”
A normal person would have felt sorry for me for what I had gone through, living a lie that I barely even admitted that I was living. A normal person would have felt some sort of sympathy for me, would have understood how big of a deal it was that I was finally admitting it. But not Kate, apparently. I rolled my eyes again, not caring if she yelled at me for it.
“I don’t know what the fuck I expected from you, telling you the truth,” I said. “But how fucking dare you not even care what I’m going through here.”
“What you’re going through?” She asked. Did she honestly still not get it? Did she think this was no big deal to me, just something I was doing to torment her, with absolutely no consequences for me?
“I’M. FUCKING. GAY,” I shouted. “Do you even get how difficult that is to deal with?”
She took a few steps back, as though she were just realizing that her husband was, in fact, queer. How many times did I have to say it before it sunk in?
“It’s not like I just woke up one day and decided to go fuck a dude, for shits and giggles.”
“That’s… that’s disgusting,” she replied, her face fixed in a grimace.
“I have been bottling this up for years, denying it, driving myself fucking insane trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out there’s nothing wrong. I just don’t like women.”
“And you don’t think that’s a problem, Zachary?” She asked. “Do I really need to remind you how much of a sin that is?”
“Like I give a shit,” I snorted. I had known the religious argument would show up eventually; it was Kate’s default answer for practically any problem she faced. It had been a long time since I had found any sort of easy answers in religion the way that she did, though. “When was the last time I actually went to church with you, anyway?”
“Well just because you’re damning yourself does not mean I’ll let you drag me and my children down with you.”
“Your children?” I repeated. “I was there too, Kate.”
“Barely…” She replied with a snort.
I balled up my fists at my side, trying really hard to remind myself that I didn’t hit women, no matter how fucking bitchy they were. I took a long, deep breath to calm myself down, then asked, “Not really surprising now, is it?”
“And here I thought you were just inexperienced…” she said.
“Bet you wish you hadn’t blabbed to everyone about how bad I am in bed now,” I shot back.
“Oh god…” she said, her eyes widening as she realized her mistake. They narrowed again as she asked, “You… you haven’t actually told anyone, have you?”
“What?” I asked, blinking, as her meaning dawned on me. “I’ve told… a few people.”
Her eyes widened again, filling with what I was pretty sure was fear. “Who? Who did you tell, Zachary?”
“Carrick, obviously. And Taylor.”
“Oh god…” she said again, looking a bit pale and glancing away from me. “Anyone else? Or was I the last to know?”
“Can you really blame me for dreading this conversation?”
“So you decided to leave your wife for last?” And yet again, she was making everything about her problems.
“Not last. Can’t you fucking count? Third.”
“You’re saying I can’t count?” Kate asked, snorting. “This from the twenty-six year old who can’t spell?”
I growled. “You really don’t ever miss an opportunity to insult me, do you?”
“Not when you keep handing them to me on a silver platter.” She smirked. She fucking smirked. “And you think that’s bad? Zachary, do you have any idea the things I don’t say? The things I bite my tongue for?”
“What?!” I blinked, not even believing her fucking nerve. She still wasn’t even trying to deny how cruel she was; instead, she was just threatening to be worse.
“You heard me.”
“Really, do tell,” I replied. “What more could you possibly find wrong with me?”
“I really don’t think we have time for that,” she said with a laugh.
“Then I won’t bother listing all of your flaws, either.”
Her eyes narrowed and she gritted her teeth. I hoped she didn’t think I was just trying to play her game. I wasn’t. I just wanted her to know how I felt, and I really didn’t feel like holding back at all. I was fucking tired of seeing her flaws – all of them now – and pretending they didn’t exist.
“Let me just give you the short version. You’re. A. Fucking. Cunt.”
Kate’s eyes bulged and she gasped. From the other room, Carrick laughed loudly and I couldn’t help smirking a little in his general direction before turning back to Kate, who was shooting a far less pleasant look at the wall between the kitchen and dining room.
“Well? Can’t argue with it, can you?”
“You’re going to regret those words…” she hissed.
“No, I really don’t think I will. You are a cunt, Kate,” I said, and she gasped again, as though she thought threatening me might make me take it back, not repeat it. “You settled for me when you couldn’t get any other Hanson. And you have spent a decade tearing me down because you thought you could change me. That I would ‘grow up.’”
Kate stammered and took a step back. Even though my voice was loud and full of venom, I knew every word I spoke was true. I wasn’t just spewing anger at her. And I wasn’t done yet.
“Meanwhile, I was scared shitless and trying my damnedest to be straight. I did love you, though. After all, you stuck by me when we were going through hell. I thought that meant something,” I said. Her eyes softened a little bit, but mine didn’t. “But it didn’t, did it? You were just patient. Patiently waiting to bag yourself a Hanson. Is that all you wanted? Just the name?”
“Zac, I–”
“I’m. Not. Fucking. Finished,” I growled.
Kate shrunk backing, looking afraid. Whether it was just an act or if I was really scaring her, I didn’t care. I was on a roll, saying all the things I had felt for so long but hadn’t been able to articulate or even fully realize I had felt. Nothing was going to stop me.
“You got everything you wanted, didn’t you? The house you think is actually yours, a family, my money. I think you actually enjoy insulting me, you know. I mean, when was the last fucking time you said anything nice about me? Can you remember? Because I can’t.”
She stuttered and stammered, but didn’t reply. Of course she couldn’t think of it either.
“You wanna talk about sick? Disgusting? That’s sick,” I said. Kate’s eyes were watering again, and I couldn’t muster up a single ounce of sympathy. “And now… now I’m finally ready to accept the truth about myself, and you can’t even let me do that. You wanna shove me back in the closet and pretend we’re a perfect fucking family. You don’t even care what that would do to me.”
“Zac…” She said, a tear falling down her face.
“Save it. I’m done, Kate. I’m not gonna pretend I’m straight so you can keep all this.” I paused and motioned around the room. “I can’t do it. We’re over.”
Finally. I had said it. I had said everything. And it felt damn good.
With a smirk, I said, “You can talk now.”
“Zac…” she repeated, another tear falling. “Don’t… don’t do this.”
“You’re not gonna talk me out of this,” I said, shaking my head firmly.
“I…” Kate stuttered, then swallowed hard. “I love you…”
“Sure you do.” I laughed loudly. Did she think I didn’t see the way she had to force the words out?
She cringed at my words, her tears falling silently. I could see genuine emotion, genuine regret, in her eyes, but there was no way that she could fix this, and I think she had finally realized it.
“I do,” she whispered. “But I guess that’s not enough.”
“Is that why you’d rather I stay with you and be miserable? Is that love?”
It was a simple enough question, but it didn’t seem all that simple for Kate. She stared at me for a moment, then finally shook her head.
“But… we could… we could fix this,” she said, reaching out to me. I kept my distance.
“What, you could make me straight? You haven’t yet.”
“No, but…” Kate began, shaking her head. “Do you really not love me anymore, Zac? Not at all?”
“Kate, I…” I swallowed hard. She reached out and touched my cheek and for a second I remembered how I used to feel about her. “There’s always gonna be a part of me that loves you… but it’s not enough. It doesn’t change anything.”
She closed her eyes and lowered her head, her hand still on my cheek. For the first time in the conversation, I did feel a little sympathy for her. What she was going through wasn’t all that much compared to what I was going through, but it was still something. And no matter how much of a cunt she was, she didn’t really deserve it.
“I’m still gay, Kate,” I replied, my voice a little softer. She nodded slowly, still not looking up. “You can’t expect me to just… pretend… or ignore it. I did that already. And it didn’t work.”
“I know,” she replied softly, letting her hand fall away from my face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you.”
And in an instant, my sympathy was gone.
“You’re… you’re honestly trying to make this about you?” I asked, causing her to finally look up at me. “What, you think if you were a better wife, I’d be straight? It doesn’t work that way.”
“I… I didn’t say that…”
“Sure you didn’t.” Maybe she didn’t. But she sure as hell implied it. And she said I acted like everything was about me? Takes one to know one, I guess.
“But maybe…” she said, her voice gaining strength. “I mean, things were fine until recently…”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Things were never fine. I just wanted to pretend they were. I was always gay, and you were always a cunt.”
“Zac…” she gasped out. Apparently she was never going to get used to that particular word. “Please…”
“Please what?”
“Don’t you dare make yourself the victim, either,” she said, her eyes narrowing and her voice raising. “It’s so easy, isn’t it? To paint me as the overbearing wife? And you as the poor, defense weakling?”
“I didn’t say I was…” I stuttered out, amazed at how quickly she could go from nearly sympathetic to her usual, calculating self. I should have expected it by then, but it always seemed to surprised me.
“Please,” Kate snorted. “You’ve always made me out to be the bad guy. You think I don’t know?”
“Well, if the shoe fits…”
She stood up to her full height, which really wasn’t much below my own, and stepped closer to me. “Watch. Your. Tone.”
“Kinda proving your point there, Katie,” I replied, barely even intimidated by her sneer. “Really, you complain about how I call you overbearing, and then you boss me around? Do you even see what you’re doing?”
“It’s called defense, Zachary,” she shot back. “You started this, not me.”
“Right,” I snorted. “Defending yourself against me? What the hell have I ever done?”
“And there’s your biggest problem,” she replied, still sneering at me.
I couldn’t believe that after everything else we had said, we were back to this. Still arguing about which of us was the worst part of the marriage. Not that it would have even mattered if our marriage had been perfect in every other way; I was still gay. And other than the gay thing, I hardly thought it was my fault. But even I could see how childish it was to argue about it all over and over, and I rolled my eyes hard.
“Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me!” She screeched, reaching out and slapping me again, even harder than before.
Without thinking, just boiling with rage, I snatched her hand up before she could pull it back. I squeezed it hard and stared into her eyes.
“Don’t. Fucking. Slap. Me.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I dropped her hand and stepped back. That wasn’t me. I had a temper, sure, but I didn’t hit women. Yet I had just come damn close, and it terrified me.
“Z-zac…” she stuttered out, shaking and looking just as scared as I felt.
“Just… stop this. Stop fucking telling me what to do.”
“You…” she muttered, still shaking as though I really had hit her.
I couldn’t face her anymore. I walked away and leaned my head against the counter. That was not how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to stand up to her, not stoop to her level or let my temper take over. I had gone too far, and I didn’t know how to make things right.
“You’re crazy…” Kate said, her voice trembling. “Stay away from me.”
“Then get out,” I growled, my temper flaring up again as soon as she spoke. She didn’t reply. “You heard me.”
“And what about our children, Zac? What are you going to tell them?”
I felt myself shaking again. I hadn’t thought that far ahead, and naturally she had found my weak spot yet again. “I’ll… when they’re old enough to understand, I’ll tell them the truth. I’m not going to lie to them.”
“And now? How are you going to explain why you’re kicking them out?”
What. What. I lifted my head and met her stare. “Did I say I was kicking them out?”
“If I go, they go,” Kate replied. “You honestly think I’m going to leave them with you?”
“What, because I’m a child or because I’m a disgusting fag?” She grimaced. I had feared the worst, and she had delivered. “That’s what I thought.”
“Don’t use that language, Zac…”
“Like you haven’t been thinking it,” I replied.
Not surprisingly, she didn’t try to deny it. “And yes, I’m not leaving you alone with them. I don’t need you corrupting them any further.”
“You. Fucking. Bitch.” I was shaking so hard, my eyes so blurry with tears, that I could hardly even see her. It was one thing for her to call me sick, but to imply that I was going to corrupt our kids? God, did she think I was going to molest them or something? I couldn’t even imagine what sort of sick scenarios she had dreamed up, but she was absolutely dead wrong. My babies were everything to me and I never, ever wanted to hurt them in any way.
“Didn’t think about the consequences, did you? Typical.”
“Just get the fuck out,” I replied, not even caring that she was seeing me break down and so fucking tired of arguing. “If that’s how you feel about me, then fine.”
She stared at me for a second, then grabbed her eyes off the hook on the wall. For a moment, I thought she was going to go without flinging any more insults my way, but of course, I was wrong. “Hope you said goodbye to your children this morning, Zac. It’s going to be a while before you see them again.”
My tears fell even harder at that, and Kate actually had the nerve to smile, as though she had won something. She turned on her heel and walked out, leaving me leaning pathetically against the kitchen counter. I don’t know how long I stood there and cried before I heard footsteps that I was certain belonged to Carrick, not Kate.
“Carrick, I… she…” I stuttered out, still grasping the counter to keep from falling over. “How much of that did you hear?”
He looked down for a second, then finally met my eyes. “All of it.”
“Oh… it was bad, wasn’t it?” Not that I really needed to ask, but I was curious to know what he thought.
With a sad little smile, he said, “I can’t tell you… how proud of you I am.”
I sniffled and attempted to smile. “Yeah?”
Carrick nodded, then pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, not sure if I would even be able to stand without him there to hold me up. I was still shaking, tears still welling up in my eyes.
“Shh, it’s gonna be okay,” he said softly, rubbing my back.
“But she’s… she’s taking the babies away…” I said, even though I knew he had already heard Kate say it.
“It’ll be okay. She won’t be able to.”
“But… but…” I stuttered, sniffling.
Carrick lifted my chin gently. “We’ll figure it out, okay? Promise. You’ll get through this.”
“Okay,” I replied, nodding a little in spite of myself. I had no clue how the hell I could get through this, but if Carrick said I could, then I believed him.
He touched my cheek and smiled. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve such an amazing friend, but whatever it was, I was glad that I had him. Especially right then.
“I could have punched her for what… what she said about you, though,” I admitted.
He shrugged. “I’ve heard worse.”
I frowned at that. I didn’t like to think about anyone insulting him, and I didn’t understand how they could. If they just took the chance to get to know him, how could they dislike him?
“But you…” Carrick said, smirking and laughing a little. “I can’t believe you actually called her a cunt.”
“Was I wrong?” I asked, giggling.
“Hell no!” He replied. “Oh man, I wish I coulda seen her face, though…”
“I think that actually shocked her more than anything else I said.”
“Yeah, well,” he said, leaning back against the counter. “Prissy little bitch probably never had anyone stand up to her like that.”
“You know…” I said, thinking. “She’s gonna run right to Natalie.”
Carrick seemed to give that some thought, then replied, “Yeah… most likely.”
“That’s not gonna end well.” I smirked.
“I guess not,” he said, returning my smirk. “But then again, Tay’ll be more likely to believe you if he hears it from his own wife first. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah, that’ll be good, I think,” I replied, then giggled a little. “I just wanna see the look on Kate’s face when she finds out about Tay and Nat.”
Carrick laughed. “I tell ya, you really didn’t hold back, did ya?”
“I guess not,” I said, shrugging. I knew I hadn’t, but now that it was over… I just felt drained. There was still a sense of relief there, but mostly I was just exhausted. I frowned a little and said, “You didn’t see, though.”
“See what?” Carrick asked, frowning.
“When she slapped me. The second time.”
Carrick stepped closer, looking protective and concerned. “What happened?”
“I got so mad… and I, I grabbed her hand. I didn’t hit her. I didn’t. But…”
“I believe you,” Carrick replied. “But?”
“I was so close,” I admitted. “I don’t know which one of us was more scared.”
Carrick gave me a look, then touched my shoulder. “You wouldn’t have hit her.”
“I guess not,” I replied, looking away. I wasn’t so sure.
“I know not.”
“If I was ever going to, it would have been then.”
“I know you, Zac,” Carrick said. “And you didn’t.”
I nodded. Carrick sighed, then hugged me again. It was weird when he actually seemed to run out of words, but I wasn’t going to complain if he kept hugging me every time he did.
“So you’re free. How’s it feel?” He asked, giving me a smile.
“Umm… could be better?” I gave him a weak smile.
“Yeah, I know,” he said, nodding. “It’ll get better, though.”
“I mean, this is just the beginning of the scary part, you know? There’s still… lawyers and paperwork and… just fucking dealing with her.”
Carrick nodded, then gave me another smile. “You’re not alone, though.”
“You are amazing. Best friend ever,” I said, smiling more. “I meant it when I told her that, too.”
“Yeah, yeah… I know.” He grinned.
My stomach rumbled and I suddenly remembered that we had planned on eating when we first walked down to the kitchen. That seemed like ages ago, and now I was starving. “Umm, so you want a frozen pizza or something? I’m kinda dangerous in the kitchen, so…”
He laughed. “How about we just go out? My treat.”
“Are you asking me out on a date, mister?” I asked, bating my eyelashes, then giggling.
Carrick stepped in closer, leaning his face down toward mine. His voice soft, he said, “Maybe…”
“Well, just so you know, I don’t put out on the first date,” I replied, smirking.
Carrick laughed lightly and touched my cheek.
“It’s just too bad…” he said, his lips a breath away from mine and his voice barely above a whisper. “That I’m not the one you really want.”
He gave me a sad smile and I sighed, trying to return his smile. I had no clue what to say. Did he want to be with me after all? I didn’t know, and there was too much else going on in my brain to even begin to try to figure Carrick out too. His fingers trailed across my lips for a moment, then he backed away.
“Come on. I’m starved.”
And just like that, he was back to his normal self. Everything else about my life had changed, but he was still Carrick. At least I could count on that.