Carrick
How do I explain Zac Hanson? I’ve only known him for a few years, but he’s already the best friend I’ve ever had. It’s scary how alike we are, right down to the twisted sense of humor. He’s just as crazy as he seems, if not more. But at the same time, he’s so much more than that. And I feel really lucky that I’ve gotten to know the rest of him.
I met him at Fool’s Banquet, the songwriting retreat him and his brothers hosted. Right from the get-go, we clicked. I could tell right away that we’d make a great team, and I was right. The song we wrote together was a really badass number, this guy telling this chick that basically he used her for sex, when she thought she was using him. It went a little beyond what Zac was used to, I think, but it was adorable seeing him out of his comfort zone.
That’s right, adorable. The other thing I noticed right away was that he’d definitely grown up. I’d done my research, looked up videos of them when they’d first hit the scene, and let me tell you; as cute as a kid he was, he was no less easy on the eyes as an adult. He had this way of looking all sweet an innocent one second, and downright devious the next; the best part was, I don’t think he was even aware of it. Which of course made it that much hotter.
But the best thing about Zac is how great a friend he is. He’s been there for me at some of my lowest times, when no one else would listen; I’ve tried to be there for him just as much, and I like to think I’ve done a pretty good job. I can’t really think of anyone who I care about as much. I know that no matter what’s going on in my life, I can call him up, and he’ll always answer. And he knows I’d do the same for him.
“Speak of the devil,” I laughed as I picked up my ringing cell phone. “Yo?”
“Hey Carrick. What’s up?”
“Hey Zac. How’s it been?”
“Um, pretty good, I guess.” Zac’s voice seemed normal, mostly, but I picked up on a bit of a strain.
“Yeah? How’s the kids?” I started rolling a joint as I talked; something seemed off about Zac’s mood, but I couldn’t put my finger on what yet.
“They’re good.”
“Cool, cool. Haven’t heard from ya in a while.”
“Yeah… Well, we were on tour, you know, and then we’ve been busy… recording and stuff. The last few months have been pretty… hectic.”
“Yeah, I bet,” I laughed. I knew how the guys were when they recorded; they always set this ridiculously fast schedule, and tried like hell to stick to it. “I can’t wait to hear the new stuff.”
“How about a sneak preview?” Zac asked, and I perked up. “There’s a catch, though.”
“Ain’t there always,” I sighed, chuckling.
“You gotta come to Tulsa to hear it.”
“Yeah?” I broke out in a grin at the thought of seeing Zac; it’d been a while since we hung out, and I missed the crazy bastard.
“I mean, if you wanna come visit…”
“Hey man, you don’t have to ask me twice.”
“That’s great,” Zac laughed, the relief obvious in his voice, and my spidey sense tingled.
“When do you want me to come out?”
“Um, as soon as possible?” Zac laughed nervously. And there it was.
“Everything okay, man?”
“Yes…” Zac answered, not even the slightest bit convincingly. “No…” he finally admitted. I sighed heavily, checking my watch.
“I’ll be there tonight.”
“You… are amazing.” The relief, gratitude, and appreciation in Zac’s tone made me smile. He knew how much I cared, so was he really surprised?
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I sighed, and Zac laughed. “You better have some of that Tulsa bud ready for me, though.”
“I’ll try not to smoke it all before you get here,” Zac said, laughing again. He already sounded better, and it made me proud to know I could lift his mood.
“You better not.”
“I make no promises.”
“Okay, well let me get going. I’ll text you when I land, ‘kay?” I stood up, tucking the joint in my stash box and starting to gather a few things.
“Carrick, seriously, man. You have know idea how much I appreciate this.” Once again, the awe in his voice stopped me in my tracks.
“I know,” I said softly. “It’s cool. See you in a few.”
“Alright, later.”
I ran a hand through my hair, looking around my apartment for a moment. Yeah, I was dropping everything to fly across country at the drop of a hat. But Zac meant that much to me. I’d honestly do anything, go anywhere, if he needed me to. I smiled as I threw a few clothes in a suitcase, grabbing my guitar and jacket and heading out. Our friendship was deeper than any I’d ever had. I really loved him, and I knew deep down he felt the same.
Well, maybe not exactly the same. But close enough.
Zac
It had been two days since Taylor walked out on me. The first day, I stayed in my studio and alternated between crying and sleeping. The next day, I woke up and tried to distract myself by painting all day. I couldn’t bring myself to put away the Jordan painting, but I also couldn’t bring myself to work on it.
About halfway through the day, I had to face the fact that I wasn’t accomplishing anything, other than getting myself messy and crying all over the canvases. I had to do something. I knew that bottling everything up and hiding myself away from the world wasn’t helping. Talking to someone would help, but who?
Carrick, of course.
He was the one person I could think of who I knew I could talk to about anything. So it came as no surprise that as soon as I hinted that I needed him, he was on the first flight to Tulsa. I tried to focus on a painting, any painting, while I waited the few short hours it would take him to arrive, but I was so anxious to see him that I still didn’t accomplish a damn thing.
When he texted me that his flight hand landed, I went down to the main house – thankfully Kate was out grocery shopping – and paced the living room while I waited. Finally, when I thought my nerves couldn’t take a second more waiting, a knock came at the door.
I practically ran to the door, flinging it open and smiling. “Carrick! Hey, man.”
“Hey!” He replied, pulling me into a hug.
I didn’t want to ever let him go. Sometimes I wondered if he even knew how much he meant to me. We didn’t get to see each other that often, but he was still my best friend. “Seriously… thank you so much. I hope you didn’t have to drop anything important to come out here for me.”
“Nah,” he replied with a smile. “You’re more important. You know that.”
I returned his smile. It felt weird to smile again after the last few days. “Thanks…”
He glanced around the room. “So, where’s the ol’ battle axe?”
“Out. Thank god,” I said, then realized how bad that sounded and tried to play it off with a laugh. “I mean, uh…”
Carrick’s eyes widened, but then he smirked. I loved that smirk; it was practically a permanent fixture on his face and it was just so… so Carrick.
“But uh, let’s go out to the garage… I’ve got a little art studio out there now. Absolutely no chance of running into the ‘battle axe’ there.”
“Sure,” Carrick replied, laughing, and followed my lead into the kitchen and through the door that lead to the garage.
I lead him up the stairs, opened the door and ushered him into my home not-so-far-away from home. “So… yeah. My studio.”
He looked around, nodding his approval. “Pretty sweet.”
“Couch, fridge, secret stash, paintings…” I rattled off with a laugh, pointing to each thing as I named it.
Carrick returned my laugh and glanced at the paintings for a moment. My breath caught in my throat, afraid that he would ask about the Jordan painting. I didn’t even know how to explain that to him; I hadn’t really planned how to tell him about Jordan, but I knew I definitely wasn’t telling him that Jordan was Taylor. Thankfully, he didn’t ask about it; instead, he took a seat on the couch and looked perfectly at home already.
“I could basically live out here,” I added, taking a seat next to him and sighing.
Carrick eyed me critically and replied, “Yeah… looks like it.”
His stare made me feel really self conscious. The room was a mess, with paint and empty soda cans scattered all around, and I probably looked like absolute shit. I looked down, frowning at my old clothes, and scratched at a splotch of dried paint of my arm. “Yeah…”
He took a breath, like he was preparing himself for something big and unpleasant, and slung his arm over the back of the couch. “So what’s up, man? Talk to me.”
I could see concern written all over his face, and it only made me dread this conversation even more. “It’s uh… it’s a long story.”
“I got time,” he said, smirking. “Tell ya what. You talk, I’ll roll?”
“Sounds good,” I said with a smile. I walked over to my box of paints and pulled out a baggie that I hoped was up to his standards. I sat back down on the couch and tossed the baggie into his lap.
Carrick took a whiff of it and smiled, then pulled a pack of papers out of his pocket. I wondered if he had flown here with those in his pocket the whole way, but I didn’t ask. He started rolling, not even glancing up at me as he said, “So, spill.”
“Well, let’s see. Where to start…” I said, genuinely struggling to find the right spot to begin my awful story. A smirk crossed my face as I finally found the spot. “So, the old battle axe…”
Carrick laughed lightly. “Yeah? She still on your case?”
“Always,” I replied, and his eye roll did not pass me by.
“I don’t know how you put up with that shit…”
I was beginning to wonder exactly that myself. Even though I hated having it pointed out to me the way that Taylor had, I knew all the things he said about her were right. Knowing it and actually acknowledging it out loud were two different things, though, but I thought it was time to do the latter.
“It’s uh, recently come to my attention that she’s a gigantic cunt. I think I’m the last person to notice.”
Carrick’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Not really,” I replied, my face as serious as I could manage – which, really, wasn’t easy when Carrick was around.
“Zac…” he said, his face softening. He rested his hand gently on my shoulder. “Hey man, I’m sorry.”
That little touch was enough to put me at ease. I could tell Carrick anything; I knew that. Well, maybe not the fact that I had fucked my brother. But anything else? Definitely. Giving him a little glance to let him know I was okay, I asked, “Did I ever tell you she dated Ike first?”
He looked away. “I’d… heard.”
“Really.” It wasn’t even a question, considering how deadpan my tone was. How many people knew what she was like, but hadn’t felt the need to tell me?
“Yeah, Ike told me. Ages ago.”
“Oh,” I replied. That made sense, but I still didn’t like it. “Interesting.”
Carrick gave me a curious look. “You… you did know, right?”
“Yeah, of course I knew,” I said, then added, “about her and Ike.”
It was time, I supposed. Time to dive into the really nasty bits of the story. I wasn’t really sure how Carrick would react. His dislike of Kate was about as obvious as Taylor’s, but I always figured part of it was because she wasn’t his biggest fan either. Somehow, I could tolerate it when Carrick insulted her. Maybe because he usually turned it into a joke, like almost everything else he said. I didn’t think he would find much to joke about after I told him everything, though.
“Did Taylor tell you she went after him, too?”
He blinked. “She… what?”
“Apparently,” I replied.
He blinked again. Had I finally found a way to shock Carrick? I wasn’t sure it was even possible. “Wooow…”
“After Tay was already dating Natalie, too,” I added.
“Holy shit,” Carrick said, laughing.
“I guess… I dunno, I guess I was still with Marion then,” I said, then shruged. “I had no clue. Like I said, I think I’m the last person in the world to notice what a cunt she is.”
He shook his head, gave the joint a lick to seal it, then handed it to me. “Well.. I guess knowing’s better than not?”
I shrugged again. “I suppose. Still haven’t confronted her about it.”
I tucked the joint between my lips and fished through the couch cushions for a lighter. It took a second, but finally my fingers closed around one and I used it to light up. I took a nice, long hit, while I waited for Carrick to say something else.
When I finally exhaled and opened my eyes, I saw him staring at me with sad eyes. “That’s rough, man.”
I shrugged again, and passed him the joint. It was rough, I supposed, but it was really the least of my concerns. On a scale of one to Taylor-breaking-up-with-me, Kate’s bitchiness ranked pretty low.
“So, how’d you find that out?” He asked, taking a hit.
“Taylor told me, actually,” I replied. I could tell by Carrick’s expression that he was confused, and I started grasping for straws, trying to find anything to make that make more sense. “We were… talking about our marriages…”
“And he just… told you that? Kind of a douche move, don’t ya think?”
Well, he said it. Not me. With a little snort, I replied, “Taylor doesn’t really have any other kind of moves.”
“C’mon, Zac,” he replied with a smirk. “You guys are like… bffs.”
“Not lately,” I said, accepting the joint that he finally saw fit to pass back.
“What happened?”
“We’ve both been pretty… stressed out about stuff.” It was my stock answer for questions related to Taylor or the Jordan situation. Carrick probably wouldn’t buy it, but I took another hit to buy myself time before I had to answer him again.
“I just love how direct you are, Zac,” he said, smirking yet again. “Always straight to the point. No pussyfooting around.”
He actually winked at that, and I laughed. “Yeah… well, it’s not my place to tell you what’s going on with Tay’s marriage…”
Carrick shrugged. I couldn’t tell if he was implying that he didn’t care about the Taylor gossip, or if he was giving me the go ahead to talk about it. I decided it was the latter.
“But… oh well,” I said with a laugh, which caused Carrick to raise an eyebrow. “I mean, you can keep a secret, right?”
He gave me a look that I’m pretty sure was meant to say “really?” It was a dumb question, after all. With a smirk, he said, “Dude…”
“Yeah, yeah. I know,” I said, laughing. Seeing no reason to delay any further, I lowered my voice a bit. “So, I guess Tay and Nat are, uh… probably gonna get a divorce.”
“No shit,” Carrick replied, his eyes widening.
“Yeah…”
He let out a breath. “What happened? I thought they were like… the perfect couple or some shit?”
“Yeah, more like some shit,” I said, laughing. “I dunno, I guess they’re just ‘more like friends’ now.”
“Huh,” Carrick replied, looking deep in thought, like he was really trying to digest this new information.
“I mean, it’s not like…” I began, recalling everything that I now knew about Taylor and his marriage. “Well, I guess Tay made the best of the situation, you know?”
Carrick leaned his head back against the couch. “Yeah, I guess so…”
“They were so young, you know?” I thought about that for a second, then laughed. “Not like I was that much older when I got married, but…”
Carrick gave me a pointed look. “Dude, you started dating her before your voice changed.”
I frowned. Hadn’t I said almost exactly that to Taylor just a few days ago? Carrick was wrong, though, and there was no way I wasn’t going to correct him. “It was changing. It just wasn’t done yet.”
He laughed lightly. “Okay, tiger…”
“And I didn’t get her knocked up when she was still in high school. So there’s that, too,” I pointed out.
He nodded and took another hit. “Yeah, that’s definitely a plus.”
I shrugged, then decided to take a chance and admit something I’d never told him. “Waiting was her idea, though.”
Carrick snorted. He fucking snorted. Was it really that funny that I had been a virgin when I got married? I was beginning to dread telling him all the other details of my sex life that would no doubt come into play at some point in this conversation.
Pouting, I asked, “What?”
“How’d that work out for ya?”
I felt my face heating up, and I hated myself for it. Of course I would blush at the vaguest mention of sex. “Umm…”
He smirked and I didn’t find it all that endearing anymore.
“Are you seriously asking me what that bitch is like in bed?”
“Not really,” he replied with a shrug. “Just asking if it was worth it, tying yourself to the first tail you got.”
I snorted, both at the way he phrased that and at the thought of everything I could tell him if I could ever stop blushing. “Man, just stay in Tulsa a little longer and you’ll hear all the gossip about it.”
“Zac?” He asked, giving me a concerned look.
“Yeah?”
“Seriously, man. You’re like, way tense.”
“Well, if you’d quit parking on the grass,” I replied, motioning to the joint he still had between his fingers. I was deflecting, yes, but he was letting my weed go to waste. Not cool.
“Sorry, dude.” He laughed sheepishly and handed the joint over.
“It’s alright,” I replied, taking a nice long hit and leaning my head back against the couch. I glanced up just long enough to hold the joint out in his general direction.
“Keep it,” he replied. “I’ll roll up the next one.”
“Alright,” I said, slowly exhaling the last hit.
“You look like you could use it,” he remarked, eying me again.
“You can say that again,” I replied. As if to prove my point, I took another long hit and held it in as long as I could before exhaling.
Carrick shook his head slightly. “What the hell am I gonna do with you, huh?”
“I dunno, man,” I replied, laughing. “So… yeah, I guess Kate has a habit of blabbing about our sex life.”
“Ouch,” he said, wincing.
“And Natalie can’t keep her mouth shut either, so…”
“Oh wow…” Looking me in the eyes, he added, “Dude, I’m really sorry… that fucking blows.”
“Yeah…” I replied, feeling my face heating up even as I just thought about what I was going to say next. “And uh, well…”
And that’s when I chickened out. I shoved the joint back in my mouth and took a long hit. It’s pretty hard to talk, at least intelligibly, with a joint between your lips and your lungs full of smoke. Seemed like the perfect delaying tactic, but I could still feel Carrick’s eyes on me, not pleading with me, just waiting. Finally, I exhaled.
“Let’s just say… the sex is nothing to write home about it,” I said, glancing away as I felt my face turn bright red.
“I hear ya,” Carrick replied. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him nodding, as thought somehow he understood what I say telling him.
I glanced back at him and raised an eyebrow. “Sure…”
“But hey, at least you’re getting some,” he said, smirking.
“Umm,” I stuttered out. I thought he was following my train of thought, but evidently not. I was going to have to spell all of this out for him. Great.
He blinked. “Don’t tell me the bitch is holding out on you.”
I coughed and sputtered, not expecting that at all. “Umm… no. No more than she ever has, anyway.”
“Zac…” He raised an eyebrow. “Why do I get the feeling you’re holding out on me?”
“Probably because I am,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh. “I said it was a long story.”
Carrick scooted closer and put an arm around my shoulders. His voice soft, he said, “Hey… you know you can tell me anything.”
He might have thought that was true. And maybe it was, but I wasn’t about to test the limits of what he could and couldn’t handle hearing from me. But maybe there were a few key details I could tell him.
Carrick
“I care about you, Zac. I just hate seeing you like this.” I looked at Zac, giving his shoulders a squeeze. It really did hurt seeing him so upset. I knew his marriage wasn’t a happy one, but it wasn’t my place to judge; but it was hard not to, seeing my best friend so distraught.
“I really, really appreciate that,” Zac said, smiling weakly. “You know I suck at talking about shit like this, though.” We both laughed, and I nodded. Zac had never really been the talk-about-our-feelings kind of guy. I understood, but I also knew how dangerous bottling things up could be.
“Well, I’m not gonna push. Just whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen.” I rubbed Zac’s back, smiling as he leaned into my touch. I was glad I could help him relax a little, one way or another.
“Well, since half of Tulsa already knows… Kate and I… haven’t had sex in a long time.” Zac paused, and I stopped my hand, unsure where he was going. “And, uh… Well it all kind of started, or stopped, this one night.”
“Yeah?” I gently nudged, rubbing his back again, slower. Zac never really talked about his sex life, other than joking around, but it was obvious that this was important.
“I couldn’t… get the job done,” he said softly. “Hell, I couldn’t get the job started.”
“…Oh.” Zac’s meaning slowly hit me, and my hand stopped again, on his lower back. “Maybe you just weren’t into it?” I suggested, smiling weakly. Zac laughed loudly, and I raised an eyebrow.
“Oh you could definitely say that.” Zac fell quiet for a moment, the humor falling from his face. “I mean, we’d never had that problem before. It’s not like I just can’t get it up at all.” Zac’s cheeks turned pink, and a thought occurred to me.
“But… not for Kate?” I asked. Zac looked down, hesitating before shaking his head. “Oh Zac. Maybe… I mean, it could just be…”
“What?” Zac asked, his eyes pleading for an explanation. I wished I had an easy answer for him, but something told me he’d already found one.
“Is it just Kate? Like, does she just not do it for you anymore?”
“Well, that’s part of the problem, I guess.” Zac paused, and I nodded, trying to encourage him to continue. “It’s… I mean, like you said, I never gave myself a chance to… to be with anyone else.” Zac looked down again, and I nodded, rubbing his back again. I was starting to see the path we were on, and his entire mood seemed to make more sense.
“Kinda hard to know what you want if you don’t give yourself a chance.”
“Yeah,” Zac agreed, laughing softly. It was a sad sort of laugh, one more of acceptance than humor.
“We’ve got all night, Zac.” I wasn’t entirely sure what I meant by that, but Zac nodded anyway.
“I know,” he sighed. “Hell, what’s another night after twenty-six years, anyway?”
“You want that other joint?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” I reached over and grabbed it from the table, holding it out to Zac. He took it, lighting it and inhaling deeply. I smiled at him, taking my own hit, watching him carefully.
“Feeling better?” I asked as I exhaled.
“Yeah,” he nodded, taking another hit. “Kinda makes you wonder why I’ve stuck with Kate so long, huh? Since she’s such a cunt.”
“Yeah, but you’ve got a family with her,” I answered, shrugging. “I get it, wanting to stick together for the kids.”
“Now I do. But I mean before that.” Zac paused, and I eyed him, curious about this new train of thought. “I mean, looking back… She was a bitch when we were teenagers, too.”
“I know you, though,” I said, smiling. Zac raised an eyebrow, and I smirked, explaining, “When you put your heart into something, you don’t back down. Music, art… relationships. It’s all the same.” It was that dedication, that conviction, that was one of my favorite things about him.
“I am a stubborn motherfucker, it’s true,” Zac laughed. “But the thing about Kate…” Zac trailed off, and I leaned back on the couch, one hand still on his back. It was my subtle way of letting know I was still there, still comforting him, and we’d known each other long enough for me to know he understood that.
“I guess I was… afraid, you know? Didn’t think I’d ever find anyone else.” That got my attention, and I blinked at him curiously.
“Zac, you were, what… fifteen? A little young to give up hope, don’t you think?” I smirked at him, but I knew it wasn’t reaching my eyes. I’d always known Zac had a bit of a self-esteem issue, but hearing that made me worry that it was worse than I’d thought.
“I’m not sure I really had hope to begin with,” Zac said quietly. I sat up, frowning.
“Zac…” I looked at him, seeing the insecure boy behind the front he put up so well around everyone else. I ran a hand through my hair, unsure how to help. “You gonna hit that, or what?” I asked, motioning to the still burning joint between Zac’s fingers.
“Oh yeah,” he laughed nervously, taking a small hit before passing it to me. Our fingers brushed slightly, and I saw Zac tremble at the contact. I watched his eyes closely as I killed the joint, stubbing it out in the ashtray. When I leaned against the couch again, I made sure to be slightly closer to him, curious what he would do.
“Carrick, I, um…” Zac stammered; it was adorable as ever, seeing him all flustered and embarrassed. I had to admit that I’d done or said things over the years, on occasion, just to get a reaction from him. I smiled at him innocently, waiting for him to continue.
“Well the thing is…” He sighed heavily again, his eyes shifting. “I mean, I know why… why that happened, with Kate.”
“Mhm,” I murmured, leaning a tiny bit closer and barely touching Zac’s hair. He was circling the truth now, and I waited patiently, and more than a little amused, for him to finally get there. “Whenever you’re ready, Zac. No pressure.”
“I mean, I’ve never really been that excited, about sex with her.” Zac looked down, not seeing the tiny smirk I was trying to hide. I’d had my suspicions about Zac for a while, but they were never based on anything more than a hunch. Until now.
“And I made plenty of excuses for it. But, it’s not really her. It wouldn’t matter if she wasn’t a cunt,” Zac chuckled. “The problem… is me.”
“Problem?” I asked quietly. I hoped he didn’t see it as a problem.
“Well, it’s not really a problem, I guess. At least, I’m starting to see that it’s not,” Zac explained, and I nodded, smiling. “That there’s… nothing wrong with me.”
“Never thought there was,” I said softly, moving another tiny bit closer. Zac laughed softly, and I went back to rubbing his back; he sighed, leaning into my touch again.
“It’s just… It would be the same problem with…” Zac lowered his voice to a whisper, and I felt myself hanging on his words. “…any woman.”
Finally.
I nodded; Zac looked at me, blinking, obviously surprised at my lack of reaction.
“Um, you don’t seem… Nevermind.”
“What, Zac?” I tried to keep the amusement out of my voice, but I wasn’t sure how good a job I did.
“You just don’t seem… surprised. By anything I’ve said so far.”
“Should I be?” I asked with a shrug, and Zac blinked again.
“Well… probably?”
“Sorry to disappoint.” The smirk I’d been trying to suppress broke through, but fell when Zac frowned. “Sorry. I mean, it’s not like I knew. I just… It makes sense, when I think about our friendship.” That got Zac’s attention, and his eyes went wide.
“What about it?!” Zac almost screeched, shock painted all over his face. I couldn’t help laughing a bit, not very surprised that he’d never picked up on the less-than-platonic undertones of our entire relationship.
“You’re cute when you’re oblivious, Zac.”