Taylor
“I don’t think it would be like you and Natalie talking about it…”
“Yeah… Kate doesn’t exactly seem like the talking type.” I let out a low growl; the more I thought about Zac’s wife, and how she treated him, the more upset I became. Zac heard the growl, and frowned.
“You really don’t like her, do you?”
“That obvious?” I replied with a sneer.
“Just a bit.” Zac laughed nervously, and I almost felt bad. Not for hating her, but for upsetting him.
“Just, I don’t like the thought of her tearing you down like that. And I don’t like that,” I added as Zac shrugged, as if it didn’t matter at all.
“I think she’s always done it, though. Hasn’t she?”
“And that’s the worst part. You’ve been getting a wall of negativity since you were fourteen, Zac.”
“I guess. I mean, I think she did at least like me at one point… maybe.” Zac laughed, but I couldn’t see the humor in what he’d just said.
“That’s… really not funny, Zac.”
“I’m sorry?”
“This is your wife you’re talking about, and you’re not sure if she’s ever liked you, let alone loved you?” I let out a noise halfway between a sigh and a growl. How was it that I cared about this more than he did? As much as it broke my heart to see him hurting, seeing him like this, apathetic to his own life, was far worse.
“And I’m kidding. I mean, why would she have stayed with me so long if she didn’t… love me?” Zac tried to hide the hesitation, but I caught it; I refrained from offering any suggestions, though.
“I don’t know, Zac. But tell me something. When’s the last time she actually complimented you on something?” I waited, and Zac tilted his head, obviously drawing a blank.
“Uh huh… When’s the last time she told you she loved you? Like she meant it?” I stared intently at Zac, watching as he grasped for an answer, but came up empty.
“I… I don’t know,” he finally whispered.
“When’s the last time she kissed you like this?” I pulled him close suddenly, pouring every ounce of love I possibly could into it. My chest was tight as he kissed me back, pulling away after a few seconds and looking down.
“I’m not sure she ever has.” At Zac’s admission, I felt my eyes water, my heart aching painfully.
“Zac…”
“Nothing has ever felt like it does to be with you, Tay.” Zac looked up at me, and I had to bite my lip to stop the shaking.
“Can’t you see what she’s done to you?”
“I… guess not.”
“It breaks my heart to think of it,” I whispered. Zac’s eyes began to mist over as he said my name again, and I leaned my forehead against his.
“You deserve so much better, Zac.”
“I’ve got better,” Zac said, smiling weakly. “You.”
“It’s a start.” I smiled sadly, sighing a bit. “I just… I worry about how much more she could break you.”
“God, you make her sound so evil.”
“Yeah, well,” I snorted, unable to stop the comments. “If the shoe fits.”
“She’s not like, evil evil,” Zac said. I couldn’t believe he was still defending her, even if he did sort of just admit to agreeing about her evil-ness.
“So, like, semi-evil? Quasi-evil? The diet coke of evil?” I smiled as Zac giggled; it felt good to make him laugh. “Just one calorie; not evil enough.”
“I mean, she’s not like, wife of Satan evil. Mostly because, you know, I’m not Satan. But she’s… not the nicest person in the world. I’ll agree to that.”
“There’s an understatement,” I mumbled, snorting again. We were getting there, however slowly.
“I guess,” Zac chuckled.
“I think she’s bottom of that list. Dead last.” Emphasis on the dead part, although I’d never say that out loud.
“Don’t hold back, Tay,” Zac joked, laughing nervously; but since he’d opened the door…
“Well since you asked,” I started, smirking darkly. “Let’s see, should I start at the beginning?”
“I didn’t really mean…” Zac frowned, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Like how she started off dating Ike?” I heard Zac’s growl; I knew it was still a sore subject for him, but I had to make my point. “And then dropped him when he didn’t spoil her?”
“That’s really not…” Zac huffed, obviously upset by the turn the conversation was taking.
“Did you know she actually tried to get with me for a while?” I mentally braced myself; I highly doubted she’d ever told him, and the way he blinked in shock confirmed it.
“…What?”
“Even though she knew her bff and I were already dating.”
“I… she… What?” Zac’s voice raised a bit, and I cringed. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him, but I felt he deserved to know the truth. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It was before you guys started dating.”
“But…” Zac blinked again, trying to process everything. But I had a point to make, a reason for telling him.
“She didn’t get what she wanted from me, either. And so, she moved on, to you.”
“I…” Zac’s lower lip quivered, and my face softened. “I had… no idea.”
“You really don’t know how manipulative she is, do you?” I bit my lip as Zac shook his head, his shoulders slumped.
“I guess… I guess I had no clue.” He looked small suddenly, young, and I felt even more protective of him, almost hating myself for telling him. I reached out to touch his hair, trying to offer some measure of comfort.
“I thought she’d changed, when you guys got together. I mean, you seemed happy. She did too, but I could never really tell with her, you know?”
“I mean… Has everyone else always known she was such a bitch? And you guys just didn’t tell me?” Zac’s eyes welled up, and I felt another stab of guilt.
“I… I didn’t think it was my place to judge. And you seemed happy.”
“Seemed happy,” Zac echoed, snorting derisively. “But… really, is everyone just holding back on telling me I married the world’s biggest bitch?”
“Um,” I laughed nervously; it wasn’t like that, but at the same time, it was.
“No one could just say, ‘Hey Zac, your girlfriend is a cunt’?” Zac stared at me expectantly, and I snorted.
“Yeah, like that wouldn’t earn said person a punch in the nose?”
“I didn’t say it wouldn’t have,” Zac laughed.
“Besides, would you have believed me?”
“Probably not.”
“But looking back… Do you think maybe now you do?” I waited, and finally Zac nodded slowly, hanging his head. “Think of everything she’s said to you, every little dig. Does that sound like a wife that loves her husband?” It was a huge thing to ask him to accept, but I could see he was getting there. Zac bit his lip, his eyes, shifting, until I touched his cheek.
“I guess… I guess not.”
“Not only is it not right, it’s not healthy. And as bad as it is for you, think about your kids, if that’s what they look up to.” I was changing tactics slightly, and Zac looked up at me, surprised and a little confused.
“She’s… she’s a good mother, though.”
“Kids have eyes and ears, Zac. If they grow up watching their mom completely tear down their dad, and he just takes it…” I paused, shaking my head and matching Zac’s frown. “They’re going to think that’s okay, to treat people like that.”
“I… I never thought about that,” Zac said quietly, sniffling.
“I’m just trying to help,” I said softly.
“I know.”
“I know I’m stepping way out of line here, but…”
“No, it’s okay,” Zac reassured me. I was glad he wasn’t angry with me, but I still sighed heavily.
“Damn it, I love you. And it kills me to see you go through this.”
“It’s weird,” Zac said, sniffling. “How you can just point all this stuff out to me, and it seems so obvious. Stuff I never would have admitted on my own.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” I touched his cheek, and he smiled a bit.
“No, it’s okay.
“I just want you to be happy,” I sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It doesn’t even have anything to do with us. I just… want you to be happy.” I felt my eyes welling up again, as the emotions within me built to a peak.
“Aw, Tay, no. Don’t cry.” Zac sniffled, his own eyes glassy.
“You started it,” I laughed softly.
“Yeah, I guess I did.” Zac wiped away the tear that rolled down my cheek, and I did the same for him.
“I hate her for doing this to you.” My voice shook, partially from the pain I felt for Zac, and partially because of how strongly I felt about Kate. I didn’t use the word ‘hate’ lightly, but I felt it to the full extent for the woman that was trying to break my brother, my love.
“I hate myself for letting her,” Zac muttered, his own voice breaking. My eyes widened, fresh tears threatening to spill over.
“Z-zac, no.” I pulled him close, hugging him tightly. “I don’t want to ever hear you say that again. You hear me?” The tears that had been building fell; Zac nodded, his own tears spilling. Without thinking, I leaned over and kissed his cheek, tasting the salty drops. He shivered at the touch, and I pulled back to look at him. Everything I was feeling came to a head, and I kissed him deeply and passionately; he matched my eagerness, the waves of emotion between us leaving me almost as breathless as the kiss itself. I could feel his tears falling freely, but I couldn’t tell if they were from joy or pain.
“Zac,” I said, pulling back to look at him. “I’m not going to ask you to leave her. But…” I bit my lip hard; I didn’t want to destroy the mood, but I needed to make him understand.
“But what?” Zac urged, sniffling.
“I just…” I lowered my voice to a whisper, looking away. “I just wish you could see how badly you need to.”
“It’s just… It’s not that I don’t see it,” Zac said quietly, drawing my attention back to his eyes.
“…But?”
“It’s still scary, Tay. I mean, what would she even say if I told her I wanted a divorce? I have no clue.” Zac really did look frightened, and I felt conflicted, torn between what would make him happy short-term versus long-term.
“I just…” I took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. “Remember when we were talking about this? I mean, you said you would-” I cut myself off; sure, he’d said it, but I felt like I was guilting him now.
“I know…” Zac sniffled a little, and it made me doubt. I sighed heavily, pulling back a bit.
“Look, it’s okay, I get it. We were wrapped up in the emotion of the moment. And like I said, I’d never ask you to. I just…”
“But… we were talking about if we could really be together. That’s different.”
I paused, letting Zac’s words sink in, and then it all started to click. That’s different. I looked at him, hoping I was wrong, but no; he’d never really meant it as a promise, just a big “what if”. Hypothetical. Something that could never really be.
“So… it was all just… just fantasy?”
Zac
“No… I mean…” I stuttered and stammered, but no words came to me. It was a fantasy, wasn’t it? He knew we couldn’t really be together. How could he expect me to follow through on promises made based on an imaginary world where we could get married?
“So… it was all just a big what if? You didn’t mean…” His eyes narrowed and he pulled back from me. “You didn’t mean it?”
“I…” Again with the stuttering. I took a second to breathe, then began again. “If it was that simple, then yes, I would leave her. But it’s not. You know it’s not.”
Taylor sat up. “It’s not that complicated, Zac.”
“Maybe not the leaving her part, but the being with you part…” I trailed off, my voice almost pleading at the end, pleading with him to understand what I meant. How could he not get it?
But he only sighed. “It’s not as complicated as you keep trying to make it. What we do behind closed doors is our business.”
“And it would always have to behind closed doors,” I pointed out. “We couldn’t ever really… get married.” My voice lowered to almost as whisper at the end.
Taylor’s lip shook as he asked, “What happened to that not mattering?”
“Well, if we can’t get married, what does it matter whether I’m single or not? It doesn’t really change anything.”
And it didn’t, did it? We would still be a secret. I could come out, sure, but I couldn’t show the world my boyfriend. It didn’t sound like a very pleasant existence, the more I thought about it. Taylor didn’t seem to agree, though. His eyes widened, then narrowed again.
“There’s a big difference, Zac,” he replied. Raising his voice a bit, he added, “And why do you feel the need to whisper it? No one’s spying on us.”
“I… I don’t know…” And I really didn’t. The longer this conversation went on, the less I seemed to know about anything, the less anything seemed to make sense to me.
“No, maybe we can’t get married,” he said, his voice louder on the last two words. “And you know what, yeah, that hurts. It hurts that I could never tell people how happy you make me. But you know what? It would be worth it, just to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He stood up and grabbed his shirt from where it had landed earlier, pulling it back over his head. We had only managed to get partially redressed; neither of us was in a hurry for our time together to end. But now it seemed one of us was…
“Tay…” I said, unable to even bring myself to ask him to stay. I had a feeling that even if I had, he would have said no. Somehow, I had really, really fucked this up.
“But you want the path of least resistance, don’t you?” He turned back to face me again. “No need to face your fears when you can just hide in a loveless marriage, and have your boyfriend on the side, right? Because I’m your brother, it means it has to be secret, doesn’t it?”
I could barely even stutter out a single syllable as I stared up at him. Maybe he was right. Hadn’t that been part of the reason I was almost relieved to realize Jordan was actually Taylor? Because it meant I could still keep my sexuality a secret. But I would have still loved him no matter who he had turned out to be. Wouldn’t I?
“Which means there’s no reason for you to ever be honest about yourself, is there?” He asked. When I didn’t reply, he repeated, louder, “Is there?”
“I… I guess not,” I finally admitted, frowning.
Taylor’s rage seemed to fade for just a second. He stared down at me, pouting. “I’m… I’m the perfect excuse, aren’t I?”
His lip shook and tears welled up in his eyes, and I wanted to do anything I could to keep him from crying. What could I say, though? He had pretty much hit the nail on the head. At that realization, I sniffled and said, ‘Tay… no… you’re so much more than that.”
He didn’t seem to buy it, though. He backed away slowly and shook his head. “I… I don’t know, Zac.”
“Taylor…” I said, pulling myself to my feet. “Please don’t do this…”
“What if,” he began, biting his lip. “What if we weren’t brothers?”
It was such a simple question, but I knew it was an important one. How I answered could change everything. I knew that, but I still didn’t know how to answer, at least aside from the obvious. “Then… then it wouldn’t have to be secret, I guess.”
“Would you still be hiding, if you could actually be with me?” He took a few steps closer. “If you could actually be with… someone?”
“I… I don’t know,” I replied honestly. I hadn’t even thought about that, not really. I knew I had wanted to meet Jordan, but I had no clue what would happen if I did. I couldn’t even picture it; me, openly gay and dating a guy. It seemed so foreign, so impossible.
Taylor’s lip quivered, and he backed away from me again. I knew that was the wrong answer, but it was an honest one. Wasn’t it good to be honest with him? And what about him, anyway? What would he do if we weren’t brothers?
“What about you, Tay?”
He looked at me in confusion. “Me?”
“I’m not the only one in the closet here, am I?” I knew it was a low blow, but I didn’t care. I was tired of this entire conversation being about my flaws and shortcomings. I might have idolized him, but I did know he wasn’t perfect.
Taylor’s eyes widened. “Really, Zac?”
“You’re always saying how I’m not being honest… what about you?”
“What… about me?” He asked, his eyes shifting away from me. Clearly he didn’t appreciate being questioned in the same way that he was questioning me, but I didn’t care. In fact, that only made me more determined to make him answer for himself.
“How many people know you’re bi, Tay? Two?”
His eyes narrowd. “You’re really going to pull this, Zac?”
“I’m just saying…” I shrugged. It was nice to see that I was getting under his skin, though. If I had to be uncomfortable, so did he.
Taylor didn’t say anything, though. He just clenched his jaw and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He stared straight at me as he dialed some number. I had no clue what he was doing, but I could guess.
“Tay… what…”
“Hey, hun,” he said into the phone. “Listen… I know this is coming out of nowhere, but I’ve been doing something thinking.”
No. There was no way he was coming out to Natalie over the phone. It just… wasn’t possible. Yet it was happening right in front of me. I stared at him, eyes wide, unable to speak or even move.
“I… I didn’t want to do this over the phone. But I have to do it now, before I lose my nerve.” He sneered at me at the end, and I knew the last few words were more for my benefit than hers.
My jaw dropped. He really was doing it.
“Well, you know how you’ve been saying I’ve been.. unhappy?” Taylor paused for a second, presumably for Natalie’s reply. “Yeah… well, I know why. I’ve actually known for a while.”
He took a deep breath and locked eyes with me. It felt like a punch to the gut.
“I’m bi,” he said. “No, I’m not joking. I almost wish I were.”
My lip quivered, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. Taylor seemed so sure of himself, so unafraid of admitting that secret part of himself. Why couldn’t I be the same way? Why couldn’t it be that easy for me? I had wanted to tear him down and bring him to my level, but he had just proven, once again, that he was better than me.
“I know. Okay. I’ll talk to you when I get home. Okay, bye.” With that, he ended the call and shoved his phone back in his pocket.
“Taylor… you…” I stuttered, too in shock to even form a real sentence.
“What?” He asked, his jaw still clenched tightly. “Want me to call Ike, too?”
“I didn’t mean you… had to…” At least that was closer to an actual sentence, but I was still practically incoherent.
“How about Mom and Dad?”
“Tay. No.”
His voice raised, he asked, “Why not, Zac? I’m not ashamed.”
“But you think I am,” I replied.
“I don’t know what to think, Zac,” he replied, his voice a little bit lower. “I just don’t know.”
“I don’t know either.” I trembled a little as I said it, tears still gathering in my eyes. I didn’t think I was ashamed of my sexuality; it wasn’t like I thought there was anything wrong with it. But that didn’t mean the rest of the world would be okay with it. It was just… scary as hell to think about.
“Now, to return to my previous question,” he said, stepping closer to me again. “Would you be so afraid, if you were dating someone you could actually be with?”
I could see Taylor’s lip shaking, fearing the worst from my answer. The truth was, I didn’t know. I didn’t fucking know what I would do, because I thought I didn’t have to worry about that. Not knowing what else to say, I said exactly that. “I… I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should figure that out,” Taylor replied, his voice shaking. A tear fell from his eye as he turned to leave.
“Taylor… don’t leave.”
It was absolutely the most cliche, pointless thing I could have said. But I just didn’t have any more words. It seemed every word I did have was wrong, anyway. No matter how hard I tried to soothe his fears or be honest or do whatever I thought would fix this, he was still going to walk out on me.
He stopped, but didn’t turn around. “Why?”
“Because I…” I couldn’t think of a reason at all why he should stay, though. So I just said the only thing I was still sure of. “I do love you, you know.”
Taylor looked over his shoulder and met my eyes. He didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was crying. Tears welled up in my own eyes and I didn’t try to fight them, either. What was the point? He had obviously decided this was the end of us. No amount of tears from me would change that now, not once Taylor had made up his mind.
“I love you, too,” he said. “And I just want you to be happy.”
And with that, he was gone.