Taylor
Zac and I were basking in the afterglow, laying in each other’s arms on the couch in his art studio. Every time with him was more amazing than the last, both physically and emotionally. My fears and doubts were still there, but it was getting easier to ignore them. I sighed happily, snuggling closer to Zac.
“Love you.”
“Love you too,” Zac said back, smiling. I smiled back at him, kissing his chest. I couldn’t get over how beautiful he was, or how lucky I was to have him in my life. I still doubted that I deserved it, though, and I bit my lip in thought.
“Something wrong, baby?” Zac asked, and the concern and love in his voice made me smile again as I shook my head.
“Nope. Everything’s… just right. For the first time ever, I think,” I added, chuckling a bit. Zac frowned, however, catching the slight shadow to my tone.
“That doesn’t make me as happy as it should.” Zac looked down at me, and once again I was touched, moved even, by how much he cared. I touched his cheek, kissing him gently, and he smiled again.
“So,” I said slowly, my mind going to the conversation I’d had with my wife. I was nervous about telling Zac, but it was a good kind of nervous.
“What?”
“Well…” My nerves threatened to shut me up, and I looked away shyly; I wasn’t sure how Zac would take the news.
“Tay… You know you can talk to me about it, good or bad.”
“It’s nothing bad,” I reassured him, taking a breath before continuing. “Okay, so here’s the thing.” I paused again, and Zac stared expectantly at me. I knew what I wanted to say, but the thought of Zac’s reaction kept me hesitating.
“Natalie and I, we were talking the other day. About us.”
“About us?!” Zac asked, his voice rising considerably. I looked up at him, confused, until I realized his misunderstanding.
“Oh! No, not about us us,” I said, motioning between us. “Me and her.”
“Oh, okay. Kinda scared me there.” Zac smiled uneasily, still breathing a bit heavy.
“Sorry,” I laughed lightly. “So anyway, we were talking about… about how things have changed.” I looked up to the ceiling, seeing Zac nod slowly. “It’s like we don’t even act like a couple anymore. It’s okay,” I added when I saw Zac’s frown. I smiled sadly, and he nodded.
“If you say so.”
“We’re more like friends, I guess. I mean, I still love her, but just… I’m not in love with her anymore, you know?” I looked at Zac, sighing heavily.
“I think I can understand that.”
“And she pretty much admitted to feeling the same way.”
“Wow.”
“I know,” I said quietly, nodding. “It’s like, knowing something is one thing, but to actually say it…”
“Yeah,” Zac replied softly. I looked up at him, bracing myself for what came next.
“I think… I might be… ready.”
“Ready?” Zac blinked, looking at me curiously, and I smiled, touching his cheek.
“To let go.”
“Oh. Oh. Wow.”
“And then,” I said softly, leaning closer. I knew I was shaking a bit, but I prayed Zac didn’t notice. “Maybe… I can finally be happy.” I finally brushed my lips against Zac’s, but I felt him hesitating. That wasn’t the response I’d been hoping for, and I pulled back slightly.
“I mean, it’s not for sure yet.”
“Yeah…” Zac’s eyes were hard to read as he smiled uneasily. “That’s… that’s kind of a huge step.”
“I think it was a long time coming, though,” I replied, shrugging.
“I guess.” Zac was strangely quiet, and it was making me even more nervous than I’d already been.
“Zac?”
“Yeah?”
“Say something?” I couldn’t help pouting a bit, my breathing just a touch shallow.
“Um, I’m not really sure what to say. I mean, it’s not really appropriate to congratulate someone on their possible divorce, right?”
“I guess not,” I laughed nervously. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting honestly, and hearing it put that way eased my nerves a bit.
“But if you’re sure it’s what you want to do, then… that’s good, I guess.” Zac smiled, albeit a bit weakly, but I nodded and curled up to him again.
“I guess all I needed was someone to help me see things a bit more objectively.”
“Glad I could… help,” Zac said quietly. I couldn’t help noticing the pause, and I looked up at him. He was smiling nervously, but his eyes told a different story.
“Zac? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing…” I stared at him, knowing he was lying, and eventually he cracked, sighing. “I’m just… Are you sure that’s what you want?” Zac asked; I tilted my head, really thinking about it.
“It’s scary as hell to say it, but… yeah. I think it is.” I was pouting again; I knew I shouldn’t have expected Zac to be thrilled, but his reaction still surprised me.
“I guess it is scary,” Zac said, rubbing my back slowly.
“Yeah. I know it’s for the best, though. She’s not happy, I’m not happy… This way, we’ll both be free to…” I cut myself off, blushing. I looked away from Zac’s stare, kissing his chest again. Judging by his reaction, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. But when I glanced up again, he was still staring, his eyes wide.
“What?” I asked, curious about his thoughts.
“Nothing.” Zac was hiding again, and it hurt. I leaned up, stroking his hair as I kissed him softly.
“No secrets, remember?”
“I don’t… have any secrets,” Zac said unconvincingly, and I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Baby, please,” I begged, running my fingers through his hair.
“What… what do you think it’ll be like after you guys are divorced? I mean, that’s a big change.”
“I know it is,” I sighed. “But we still care about each other. And of course we’ll still be close, and raise the kids together.” I paused, chuckling softly. “I think we might make better friends than husband and wife, anyway.” I looked to Zac, who was still frowning.
“That’s… good, I guess.”
“Zac, seriously. What’s wrong? I mean, I’m not expecting you to celebrate, but I just thought…” I bit my lip to silence myself.
“Tay… I’m sorry. I’m just surprised.” The love and concern were still there in Zac’s tone, but I couldn’t deny the doubt that hung there as well, any more than I could the hurt I was feeling, however irrational. I nodded, laying my head back down and looking away.
“Well, whatever. Like I said, it’s not definite yet.”
“Taylor,” Zac sighed. The fact that he used my whole name, and not the usual nickname, wasn’t lost on me, but I stubbornly kept my eyes off him. “What do you want me to say? I’m happy for you? I am, you know… if you’re sure this is what you want.” That got my attention, and I finally turned to look at him.
“You keep saying that. I wouldn’t have told you if it wasn’t what I wanted.” I inwardly winced at the slight edge to my tone.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… I mean, it’s not like spur of the moment, right? You’ve been thinking about it?”
“No, I just came up with the idea yesterday,” I almost spat, scowling. “What do you think? Jeez, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to talk me out of it.” The moment the words left my lips, a whisper of doubt started to nag at the back of my mind. Zac blinked at me, shocked at my sharp tone, and guilt joined the doubt.
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to… to understand, I guess.” Zac seemed hurt, almost shying away, and my heart dropped.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “But like I said, this has been coming for a long time. I just never had the courage to talk about it before.”
“I know,” Zac replied, nodding. “I guess it still kinda surprises me to think it’s actually maybe gonna happen, though.” The edge in both our voices was wearing off, and I was able to smile at him again.
“Yeah, I know. But I think it is. We haven’t said the word yet, but we’ve come pretty damn close. And the other day…” I trailed off, looking down.
“What?”
“Nat was on the computer; she forgot to close the browser.”
“Okay,” Zac said patiently. I took another deep breath before finishing.
“She’s got an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday.”
“Oh. Wow.” We fell into silence for a few moments, and I felt the hurt creeping back in with every wordless breath.
“So yes, Zac. I think this really is actually maybe going to happen. And I’m sorry for thinking you’d be a little happier about it.”
“Now you’re mocking me,” Zac accused, however correctly, and pouted. “And I am… happy. Just surprised. I mean, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Do you remember about a month ago? We were talking about… this.” I glanced over at Zac, and saw him nodding. “I think that’s what gave me the final push. Knowing that I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
“Oh.” Zac smiled weakly, and I felt the conflicted emotions within me vying for the majority.
“I meant it, you know. All of it.”
“I know,” Zac said, nodding. His voice lowered to an almost whisper. “I did too.” At his words, I felt my eyes go wide. Did he really mean it? Would he really be willing to… to commit, to being with just me? I would never ask that of him, but I couldn’t think of what else his words could have meant.
“Zac…”
“What?”
“I… I would never…” My voice escaped me, as I felt my eyes watering, the love winning over the doubt.
“Tay, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answered, smiling and shaking my head. “I just love you.”
“I love you too.” We held each other a bit tighter, and I leaned up to kiss Zac once more, pouring as much love as I could into the kiss.
“You know I would never ask that of you.” It was true, but the thought that Zac would willingly offer…
“Ask what? You mean… ask me to…” Zac pulled back, eyeing me curiously. I looked back at him, equally confused. Had I misunderstood him?
“To leave.”
“Oh,” Zac said quietly, and just as quickly as it had disappeared, the doubt was back, clouding my mind and making my breath quicken.
“I thought you knew what I meant.”
“I think… I’m a dumbass,” Zac mumbled, looking away. I tried to catch up with his train of thought, and realized what he must’ve thought I’d meant.
“You… you didn’t think…” Everything started to make sense, as I realized what he thought I’d been expecting of him. To think that he could think that of me, that I would expect something so important, simply because I was doing it… It hurt me deeply that he would think me capable of demanding something so huge.
“I thought… that’s what you wanted.”
Zac
I watched Taylor’s eyes widen, and I began to wonder if my assumption was wrong. If it was, then I didn’t understand at all why this conversation was happening. So he was probably getting a divorce. I was happy for him – really, I was – but it didn’t really affect me.
“Zac you know I would…” He pouted, his frustration written all over his face. “God, Zac, you know I would never ask something like that of you.”
He sat up, clearly growing more and more upset with me. I pouted, unsure what to say. “Well, you said… all that stuff about how you could be happy now…”
“Well, yeah but… I didn’t mean…” he huffed. “Zac, how could you think I would ask something that huge? Your marriage is your business, not mine.”
“I said I was a dumbass,” I replied. Taylor sighed heavily, and I struggled to find the words to make him not be angry at me. “I just thought… I mean, you know how things are with Kate. Just forget it. I’m dumb.”
He reached a hand out and touched my shoulder. “Zac… how many times do I have to tell you? You’re not dumb.”
I shrugged. I still wasn’t sure I believed what Taylor was saying. I didn’t understand why this announcement was supposed to be such a big deal to me if he didn’t expect something similar from me. None of this made any sense.
“And yeah, I do know how things are with Kate. But I have no say in that. As much as I may want to, I don’t.”
Things were beginning to get clearer in my mind. With a frown, I asked, “So you wouldn’t ask me to leave her, but you wish I would?”
Taylor opened his mouth, then froze in place. Whatever he was going to say, he must have thought better of it, because he closed his mouth, then looked away and sighed. “It’s not my place to say.”
“But you’ve still got an opinion.”
Taylor rolled his eyes, but didn’t reply. That didn’t fool me. Of course he had an opinion.
“I know you do.”
“Do you really want to go there, Zac?”
“Probably not,” I replied, my frown deepening. I didn’t like the way Taylor talked about Kate. It didn’t even matter that I knew most of what he said was right. She was still my wife, and I had, in some strange way, loved her for a pretty large chunk of my life. Even if it didn’t make sense, I still felt this sense of loyalty to her.
Taylor smirked, and I knew he was probably thinking of at least ten different insults he could say about my wife. “Then just leave it. It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“Okay,” I replied, which only prompted Taylor to sigh again. Even four letters from me was enough to upset him, it seemed. I heaved a sigh of my own. “Tay… I just don’t understand what you want from me right now.”
“Nothing. Just forget it,” he said, but his tone of voice said that it wasn’t nothing. It was something – a big something – but I still didn’t understand what.
I sighed loudly. “Fine.”
“Zac… don’t be like that,” he said, pouting.
“Like what?”
“Like… I don’t know. There’s something bothering you, but I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know how to fix it.” He leaned over and kissed me, but it did little to soothe my growing frustration. “Please, baby…”
I felt myself frowning again. Maybe I could explain it to him. I just had to be careful with my words. “It’s just… I don’t know, thinking about you leaving Natalie…”
Taylor pulled back a bit. “Why does that bother you so much?”
“Well, I thought you wanted me to… to leave Kate,” I replied, then quickly added, “I know what you said, though.”
“Okay,” he replied slowly, in that tone of voice that made me feel like a real idiot.
“But… I dunno, it does seem like that’s what you want…”
“Uh huh,” he replied, clearly growing frustrated with me yet again. “So what’s the problem?”
“Well, I wanna make you happy. You know I do.”
“I know,” he replied, his frustration still obvious. “But?”
“But, I don’t know if…” I began, my voice catching in my throat as I tried to finish the sentence. “If I could… leave her.”
“Zac…” Taylor said, pulling back from me. His voice rose in volume as he asked, “What part of ‘I would never ask that of you’ did you not understand?”
Once again, it seemed I had chosen all the wrong words. Now he wasn’t just frustrated, he seemed to be angry with me. “I understood all of it…”
“Yeah? So then I still fail to see the problem!”
“Well, you don’t have to yell,” I replied, pouting. I knew I was being pathetic, but I was past caring. Taylor was pulling me in ten different directions and getting angry with me for not understanding where we were going; I think I had earned the right to be a little bit pouty.
“I’m not…” Taylor sighed, then lowered his voice. “I’m not yelling.”
“You kinda were,” I pointed out.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously trying to ward off a Zac-induced headache. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just… I can’t understand what the problem is. I’m not asking you to leave Kate, so why are you upset about not wanting to leave Kate?”
I thought about that for a second. It was a valid question, I supposed. After a moment’s pause to once again consider my words, I replied, “Even if you’re not asking me to, you’re making me think about it. Whether you mean to or not.”
“Zac…” Taylor replied with a sigh. “Zac, I’m not trying to…”
“I know. But it’s still making me think about it,” I said. How could he not see that that was where this conversation would lead? Did he think he could talk about divorcing Natalie without making me think about my own marriage?
“And… what are you thinking?” He seemed to be genuinely curious, although I could still tell he was frustrated with me for making him ask.
“That…” I began, then paused to take a deep breath. “That it’s a really scary idea.”
“I know,” he replied, nodding.
“And I mean, it wouldn’t change anything, even if we both…”
Taylor tilted his head. I thought he was finally following my train of thought and understanding why I wasn’t thrilled at the moment, but it seemed I was wrong.
“You and me, Tay,” I said. “We still couldn’t… be together.”
Taylor pulled back from me even further and pouted. Had I said the wrong thing yet again? I knew he was blonde, but surely he realized that the biggest reason our relationship was a secret wasn’t because it was, on both of our parts, an affair.
“I mean, like… officially,” I added, trying to clarify myself even further and, hopefully, soothe his frustration.
“Yeah, I guess…” Taylor replied. “But that part doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, it’s not like… it’s not like a piece of paper would make this any more real.”
“I guess…” I said. I knew he was right, but it still seemed we weren’t quite on the same page, and I couldn’t figure out why or how to get us there.
“And not having it doesn’t make it any less real… right?”
“Right,” I replied. I did, at least, agree with that. It was real. It was the most real thing I’d ever felt.
Taylor gave me the saddest, most adorable puppy dog eyes I’d ever seen. Even though we were finally seeming to agree, at least with our words, something was still definitely off about this conversation. I wasn’t sure how to fix it.
“Tay, you know I love you,” I said, giving him the closest thing to a smile that I could manage.
He nodded. “And I love you.”
“It’s definitely real.”
“I know,” Taylor replied. I thought I could almost see the wheels in his head turning, as though he were contemplating his next words very carefully. “But… it would make it easier…”
“What?” Even though I had a good idea what he meant, I really hoped I was wrong. I didn’t want to risk assuming and saying something dumb again.
“Well, think about it. If we were… both single. We’d have as much time as we want to be together,” he said, smiling.
“I guess…” It did sound nice. It really did. But I could still feel this tightening in my chest, this rising sense of panic at the thought of upheaving my entire life like that.
“We could even share a ‘bachelor pad,’” he said with a smirk.
I managed a little laugh at that, and Taylor gave me a wink. I forced a weak smile. “That would be… nice. I mean, we’d still have to be secretive.”
“Only when in public,” he said with a shrug. I felt my worry begin to fade ever so slightly as Taylor kissed my neck. “Think about it, Zac… falling asleep in each others’ arms?”
I let out a sigh. “Yeah…”
“And waking up together?”
In spite of myself, I smiled. “That would be great.”
“I could cook you breakfast…” Taylor said, nibbling on my ear.
“Can I have breakfast in bed?” I asked, grinning.
“Mhm,” he replied, biting my neck lightly. I let out a tiny moan. “No more nagging…”
I sighed. He just had to bring the conversation back around to Kate, didn’t he? Just when I was starting to feel better, he just had to make me think about her again.
“No more judgment,” he said, staring into my eyes. “No more pain.”
If Taylor noticed my frown, he didn’t remark on it. I knew he was right. It would be better if we were both single. But it was such a big change…
“No more lonely nights,” he finished, punctuating each word with a kiss.
I forced myself to smile. “It sounds so perfect…”
“It could be,” Taylor whispered, and I could see him shaking ever so slightly.
It didn’t matter how much he assured me that he wasn’t asking me to leave Kate. Even if he didn’t say those exact words, I could still see them written all over every one of his actions and hear them hiding just behind the words he was saying. I shook my head. “It couldn’t really, though. Could it?”
“Why not?”
I sighed. “I’m just a fucking wimp, I guess. I can’t leave her.”
Taylor closed his eyes for a second, and I knew he was trying to calm himself down. Finally, he nodded. “It’s okay, baby. No one’s asking you to.”
“It kinda feels like someone is.”
“I’m not. I promise,” he said, touching my cheek. “I love you. So much.”
I nodded. “I know. I love you too.”
“Look, Zac,” Taylor said with a sigh. “Would it make me happy? Yes. But I’m not less happy if you don’t. Okay?”
“Okay…” I replied, even though at that moment, nothing was really okay.
“I can’t lie, though,” he said. “The thought of waking up next to you every morning is nice.”
I wondered if Taylor even realized how mixed the signals he was sending me were? Still, it did sound nice. “I would love that so much, Tay. I really would.”
“I know…” Taylor said, pouting. I let a sigh slip out, knowing that pout meant I probably wouldn’t like whatever he said next. “I just wish I knew how to help you. I mean, I know you’re not happy.”
I looked down and nodded slightly. I hated to acknowledge it, but it wasn’t as though Taylor didn’t already know. But admitting it only brought me one step closer to having to actually do something about it.
“I guess I just don’t understand what you’re so afraid of,” he said.
How could he not understand? I knew our marriages were different, but we had been with the same girls for same amount of time. How could it be so much easier for him to leave? He had only been a little older than me when he got together with Natalie, but I supposed it made a difference.
“Tay, the last time I was single my voice had barely finished changing,” I pointed out.
“I know,” he replied. I could tell by his tone that he thought I was being stupid again. He had asked what I was afraid of, and I had just pointed out the obvious. Of course he knew how long I had been with Kate, but had he really thought about what that meant?
The truth was, there was very little I wasn’t afraid of. Foremost among the things that scared me was change. Leaving Kate meant rearranging my entire life and learning how to be single – or, at least, not married – again. And it meant I had one less reason to stay safely in the closet. Surely people would expect me to start dating again. How I could explain to them why I wasn’t?
“It’s scary as hell to think about,” I said. “I don’t even know how to not be with her.”
Taylor pouted. I was really getting tired of that pout, adorable as it was. “But…”
“I guess…” I began, trailing off as I tried to find the right way to say how I felt about Kate. “I’m not gonna lie. You know I’m not happy, but I guess I’m kinda like… desensitized to how bad it is?”
“Oh, Zac…” There was the pout again. I was beginning to think his face was just stuck that way.
“At least, I was,” I added, giving him what was probably the weakest smile ever. “Until you.”
Taylor matched my smile with a frown. “Zac… you wouldn’t be alone, though…”
“I know,” I replied.
I did know. It just didn’t seem to ease my fears. Of course I would have Taylor by my side, and that would help a lot, but he couldn’t fix everything. If this conversation was anything to go by, there was a lot – like my stupid, irrational fears – that Taylor couldn’t change at all.
But I didn’t think all of my fears were irrational. Talking to Kate about getting a divorce, for example, was absolutely terrifying. What would she even say? I had no clue, but I knew it wouldn’t be pretty. As much as Taylor disliked Kate, I didn’t think he really did understand how she was at all.
“God, I can’t even imagine trying to talk to her about it, though,” I said, trembling a little as I thought about it.