Zac
I knew Jordan was right. I needed to tell someone. After thinking about it for a while, I decided the best person to tell was Taylor. I knew he was going through some stuff of his own lately, and we hadn’t been getting along that well, but I thought maybe he would still be there for me. We were always best friends, after all. He was the one I looked up to, even more than I did Ike. So, I was going to tell Taylor I was gay.
There didn’t really seem to be a good time, so I just took the first opportunity that presented itself. During a quick break from rehearsing, I walked into the office where I knew he would be. He already had his laptop out and he looked busy, so I pulled mine out as well. Maybe now wasn’t a good time. But if I didn’t do it now, I might lose my nerve completely.
I took a deep breath. “Tay…”
“Yeah?” He replied, not even turning to look at me.
“Are you, like, really busy?”
A moment passed before he finally replied, still not looking up. “Umm, not really. What’s up?”
I glanced over my laptop screen at the back of his head, frowning. “Umm… I just kinda wanted to talk to you about something.”
Finally, he looked up. “Okay… What’s up?”
I sighed, trying to figure out how to begin. It was embarrassing, and I could feel myself blushing, but I couldn’t see a better way to start. “You know what, umm, Kate told Natalie… a while back…”
Taylor tilted his head in thought, then smirked. “Yeah? What about it?”
“It’s not funny.”
He looked back at his computer screen., completely dismissing me. “It’s no big deal, Zac. Happens to all of us.”
I realized he didn’t understand at all. “I don’t think so.”
Taylor sighed lightly. “Trust me, I’ve had my off days too.”
“Okay. But that’s different.”
Taylor looked up at me again, raising an eyebrow.
I pressed on. “I wouldn’t exactly say I was having an off day.”
Taylor shook his head a little, then turned back to his screen once again. “So get checked out if you’re that worried. I still say it’s no big deal, though.”
He just didn’t get it at all. Maybe I hadn’t chose the best tactic, but I didn’t know how else to approach this. It seemed easiest to begin with something Taylor already knew about me, and then explain why that had happened. But maybe he just didn’t care. I slammed my laptop shut, groaning loudly. Finally, Taylor looked back over, and I said, “That’s not what I mean, either. I know why it happened.”
Taylor stared at me blankly, and what little resolve I had found melted away. I stuttered and stammered, causing him to sigh. “Look, Zac. No offense or anything, but you’ve never talked to me about this stuff before.”
He was right. Of course I didn’t talk about my sex life. It was nothing worth talking about, at least not until recently. “Yeah, well… I don’t like talking about my sex life.”
“And yet… you are,” he replied with another blank stare, turning back to his laptop again.
A little bit louder, I continued on, “Look, this isn’t just about that night. Or just about my sex life.”
Taylor didn’t look back at me. Instead, he just mumbled t himself, “Zac wants to suddenly talk about his lack of boners. Great. I freaking hate Mondays.”
That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I couldn’t be calm and collected anymore, not when I was trying to tell Taylor something so serious and he didn’t seem to give a damn at all about what I was going through. I stood up suddenly, growling. That got his attention.
He looked over at me and sighed. “What now?”
“Can you take me seriously for half a second? Please?”
He stared at me, then snorted. “You? Serious? Who are you, and what’ve you done with Zac?”
I growled again. “Why do I even bother trying to talk to you?”
Taylor groaned. “I don’t know, Zac. Why do you? Since you aren’t even saying anything…”
“I’m trying, okay?” I said, my voice falling a little. Once again, my resolve was stretched to its breaking point. It was amazing how Taylor could just get under my skin like no one else.
“Now do you want to tell me what’s up, or can I get back to my work?”
My resolve was all but completely gone, but I was determined to keep going. “It’s not fucking easy to about, but I hoped if I could talk to anyone, it would have been you.”
Taylor looked confused, but at least he didn’t speak again. I didn’t give him a chance to speak before I went on. “Tay… it’s not like I just couldn’t get it up. It’s… I know why it happened.”
He blushed. “Zac, look. Maybe… this isn’t the best time.”
“I’m not sure there’s a good time for this. But I’m sick of hiding and lying about it.”
There. I was finally saying what I intended to say. But Taylor only glanced away nervously. “Look, Ike’s better at handling this stuff…”
“I highly doubt that,” I replied harshly, then regretted the implication. “I mean, not that I think you’re… but Ike definitely couldn’t deal with this.”
“Well, jeez, Zac, did you ever think maybe you’re making me uncomfortable?”
I couldn’t fucking believe him. He was making this about him? I wouldn’t stand for that. “I’m sorry that your comfort isn’t my biggest concern.”
He groaned. “Don’t start, Zac.”
“I’m not starting anything, damn it. I’m just trying to tell you something fucking important and you’re being a bitch.”
“Well, I’m sorry if I don’t really feel like hearing about my little brother’s sex life!” He actually huffed, once again turning back to his laptop.
“You know what, forget it. I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“Zac, I…” He began, then groaned, obviously thinking better of whatever he was going to say.
I stared blankly at him, waiting for him to continue.
“You know what? Fine. If you ever get the balls to actually say whatever it is you wanna say, fine. But trust me, whatever it is you’ve got to say, I’m sure I’ve heard it already.”
I had no clue what he meant by that. He couldn’t know, could he?” “I… you couldn’t have…”
“It’s bad enough hearing Kate bitch about it to Nat all the time.”
“She… what?!” None of this made any sense. Kate knew too?
Taylor turned to look at me again. “Look man, I get it. Kate’s not exactly eighteen anymore. Trust me, I know. Having four kids hasn’t exactly been kind to Nat, either.”
“That’s not… umm. Eww.” That was a mental picture I definitely could have gone the rest of my life without seeing. It was a relief in a way, though. Taylor still thought we were talking about my inability to get it up. And technically we were. But he didn’t really know why.
“Can’t you just, I don’t know… picture Cindy Crawford or something?”
“That wouldn’t really help…” I didn’t know how much clearer I could make this for him, but he still just wasn’t getting it.
He groaned. “Well, whatever, Zac. You asked for my advice, so if you’re not gonna take it, that’s on you.”
He turned back to his computer, but I wasn’t letting him try to end this conversation again. “I didn’t ask for advice! If you’d fucking listen…”
I thought I had reached my breaking point earlier, but I was wrong. That was it. There was just no point trying to talk to Taylor about this. He either didn’t want to hear what I had to say or he didn’t care, but either way he wasn’t taking it seriously. So I was done trying.
“Just forget it,” I said to the back of his head.
He sighed and shook his head, still not even looking at me. “Whatever, man.”
Under my breath, I mumbled, “I knew this was a bad idea.”
I stared at the back of Taylor’s head for a moment. I knew he heard me, but for whatever reason, he had chosen to ignore it. He just didn’t care. That was all their was to it. I groaned loudly, even though I knew he still wouldn’t bother replying, and walked out of the room.
So much for coming out. I wanted to; I really did. But I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. The worst part was realizing that I had disappointed Jordan by not following through. I had promised him I would try, and I had, but I hadn’t succeeded. What would he say about that? I almost didn’t want to know, but at the same time, I did. There was no one else I could talk to now. I needed him. I pulled my phone out and signed onto AIM, hoping and praying he was online.
|
x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey! x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: 😀 peregrin2201: umm… hey x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: how’s it going baby? peregrin2201: not so good 🙁 x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: aww x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what’s wrong? peregrin2201: i tried talking to someone… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: should i ask? peregrin2201: it didn’t go very well x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: 🙁 x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh baby… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *holds you* |
Jordan cared about me. Even if no one else did, he cared. I could hear Taylor’s laptop in the background and it made me roll my eyes, recalling just how callous he had been when I came to him. I couldn’t even begin to explain that to Jordan and it made me angry just thinking about it.
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peregrin2201: i was afraid no one would understand… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’ll be okay x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: what did they say? peregrin2201: i couldn’t even get that far. I kinda chickened out… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: oh sam… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’ll be okay peregrin2201: i’m so sorry… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: hey x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: don’t be x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: it’s not easy x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: no one expects you to rush this peregrin2201: i know… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: and hey x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: if they don’t understand x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: then who needs them x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you’re an amazing person peregrin2201: it’s not that simple… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *sigh* x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i know baby peregrin2201: it’s family… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: yeah… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: but family is more than just blood |
I held my phone back for a second and reread his words. I knew he was right. He always knew the right thing to say, no matter what mood I was in. It was amazing how he could make everything better. Even though I felt like crying, Jordan made me feel so much better.
While I was thinking all of that, I realized that the stupid noise Taylor’s laptop was making has stopped. Finally. I really didn’t need any more reasons to be upset with him, when I already felt like punching his face in.
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x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i love you peregrin2201: i love you too… |
As soon as I sent the message, I heard Taylor’s laptop again. It dawned on me that I knew that sound. It was the sound AIM makes when you get an instant message. I wondered who Taylor could possibly be talking to right then. He seemed so obsessed with whatever was on his laptop screen that it must be someone important…
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x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam… peregrin2201: yeah? x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um |
The timing was unmistakable. It was one of those things that once you notice it, you can’t unnotice it. Every time I sent Jordan a message, Taylor’s laptop beeped again. It couldn’t be a coincidence, could it? I had to be sure. I walked down the hallway, as quietly and calmly as possible, and stopped right outside the office door.
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peregrin2201: yeah jordan? x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: i |
I stepped into the doorway quietly, even though I knew my phone would give me away in a moment.
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x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: um x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you peregrin2201: me x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: *swallows hard* x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you said… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you live in… |
The messages came in one right after another. I could only see Taylor’s back, but it was obvious that he was nervous. He was shaking a little and I realized that I was, too. I looked at my phone’s screen, then back at Taylor, then back at the screen.
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x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: tulsa? peregrin2201: yeah… x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: sam? |
I ignored the message. I was certain. It was Taylor. I shoved my phone back into my pocket just as Taylor looked over at me. He was pale, even moreso than usual. From the way I felt, I can only imagine that I looked the same.
“Taylor… I…”
He was shaking all over, staring right at me as he typed something else into his laptop.
| x.nothing.gold.can.stay.x: you…? |
My phone went off again in my pocket, the vibration making me jump a little. Taylor was shaking violently. Somehow, I was strangely calm, despite feeling like I might explode at any moment.
I laughed nervously, still shaking. “So, about what I was trying to tell you…”
“Zac…” Taylor said, shaking his head. I could see tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.
“I guess you already know…”
“S..Sam?”
I nodded slowly, then looked down. There was no denying it. “Jordan? Should have fucking figured that out.”
Taylor leaned back in his chair, his breathing all out of whack. I wasn’t sure what was happening to him, but it didn’t look good.
“Tay…”
He wrapped his arms around himself and started rocking back and forth. He was really starting to scare me. Instinct took over and I rushed toward him, then stopped. Even though I was scared, I couldn’t actually reach out and touch him. The realization of what we had done, who he had said he was, who he knew I was, hit me all at once and it made me ill.
“Taylor… say something…”
He jumped in his seat, looking up at me suddenly. He looked horrified by what he saw. Did I disgust him that much? I knew the reality of our situation was bad, but the look in his eyes said that it was even worse than I realized.
“I…” he stuttered out finally.
I stared into his eyes, feeling more and more ill the longer I did. It was hard to even believe it was real. But it was. Here was my brother, right in front of me, his horror and panic proof that this really had happened. Suddenly, his breathing reached a peak and his eyes rolled back in his head. I could only stare in disbelief as he fell out of his chair and into the floor.
I still didn’t want to touch him, but I knew I had to do something. I fell awkwardly to the floor next to him, scooping him up into my arms despite the fact that my mind was screaming at me to leave him alone. But despite everything else, he was my brother, and he was clearly in need of help. I touched his face gently. “Tay… Taylor… Fuck, wake up, Tay.”