To See If I Could Catch A Dream
“I also remembered that you were beautiful.”
“Memory does play tricks on us.”
“No. Your face is the same, but I don’t remember what beautiful means anymore.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: hey you
Looks like I’ll be in Tulsa again this weekend.
I’d love to see you again.
Think you can handle two weekends in a row of Adelaide? 😉
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: hey you
Maybe, I’ll have to check my immune system, I mean, schedule. I might not be in Tulsa this weekend lol. Or at least not home. Or at least not sober.
I’ve been on three dates since being home, but other than seeing like a pair of friends here and there, I haven’t gotten all my buddies together and rocked out with some booze yet.
Of course, I could go visit friends just about anywhere, if I felt like it. So it’s up in the air. Besides… I know you just got a taste of all the greatness I offer, and now you want more. *wags a finger at you* Don’t ask for more than you can handle, doll.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: hey you
Well, just let me know. I think I’ll be getting together with Chelsea and company at some point as well.
And we’ll just see how much I can handle. We will see. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve that you haven’t seen yet, you know.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: hey you
And I hope you know I didn’t show you everything I could do the first time, either.
We never had that… “What kind of things do you like?” conversation. I’m kind of glad. Now we’ll always have an excuse to get together again.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: (no subject)
Chelsea has claimed me as hers.
You might have to fight her. My money is on her, haha.
Ignore me, I am fighting tooth and nail against sleep and have probably ceased to make sense.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I say we all get together and work this out, nice and menage a trois like.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: (no subject)
I now owe you a slap.
And I think you’re about one comment like that away from earning the title “magnificent bastard.” Really, that’s a term of endearment coming from me, a girl who refers to herself as a bitch.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
One of these days you’ll experience more than you can handle, like I keep telling you that you will.
And the next time you’ll really surprise me by bringing her along. Let’s just go ahead and say that that’s your “Thank You” to me.
You won’t slap me. Unless I want you to slap me.
You’re beautiful.
If you don’t feel comfortable with the knowledge that I find Chelsea amazing, too, you could always just bring Scarlet Johansson.
That would be a good “Thank You”, also. Haha
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Well Chelsea does keep saying we should double date, but I don’t think it’s for the same reason you’re thinking of.
And what makes you so sure I won’t slap you? I only look sweet and nice, you know.
And yes, I know I’m beautiful. But you can keep saying it all you like.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Oh quit acting like you knew.
You know I see things like nobody else.
I just see them the way they actually are, and as they can be in the future. I’m not telling you that nobody thinks you’re beautiful but me, don’t get me wrong.
Don’t you think I made certain not to let us fall into ruin or into a too friendly situation at the end of our adventure so that in the future I could take my chances with you?
I’ll tell you all you like, so long as I know that it’s leading us to where I’d like us to be.
And actually, the “us” there isn’t at all very comfortable for someone who’s comfortable in his single-ness at the present point in time.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Maybe I knew, maybe I didn’t. Either way, I like hearing it from you. You have a way of saying things, a way of making me feel… I don’t know. You just disarm me. Always have.
I should have known you had plans for me, haha. Good job with that, since I tend to let friendships and all just fall apart over time. I’m glad that we’ve kept something of whatever we ever were alive.
Sorry for any discomfort I may be causing. As of late, my specialty seems to be finding boys who want to be single and mucking up their plans. Although the ball is in your court here, so you can still steer things in whatever direction you wish. Wow, I actually didn’t meant to mix that metaphor as badly as I did.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)
Can I steer it towards you and Chelsea?
Nevermind, don’t answer that. I already know it.
I just hope I earn that title this spring. I damn well deserve it. And I want to deserve it magnificently.
I caused the discomfort, dear. I used the term “us”. So long as I keep my diction clear, I’ll keep things in my court. I like courting, in my own court. Court court courty court.
Now it is late, and I am due an ambien, whose drowsiness I will pull creativity from, rather than dreams. Either way, this is goodnight, gorgeous.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: music and girls
I’ve been downloading stuff by the Arcade Fire all day thanks to you.
You have good taste. In music and girls, haha.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: music and girls
Do you want a physical reminder, or should I just tell you that fantasies of you no longer haunt my dreams… memories of you do that now.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: music and girls
Well, if you’re offering… I’ll take the physical reminder 😉
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Perhaps…
I’ll have to get to know where I want myself to be a little better before I offer. ;p
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Call me dumb, but exactly what is that supposed to mean?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Hmm, I hate answering questions about myself with “I’m not sure.”
So, instead I’ll just be totally honest.
I like you a lot more than I let on, with my ‘bring Chelsea’ jokes and my ‘maybe-hes-a-bastard” statements. That kind of unsettles me a bit, Adelaide. I’m very happy with being single and I want to stay that way. I want to just date; to find someone else who just wants to date.
You, I like a lot for more than just looks… which hints to something more than what I think I should want right now, regardless of if I want it or not.
Does that provide a little more clarity on how I’m acting close and flirty, but distant and probably unseemingly dismissive?
I don’t mean to be…
I just have good reason to want to enjoy being single and going out at least once with every girl who catches my eye before picking one to just date, even.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Well, I guess that’s a better answer than I had expected.
Other than that, I don’t really know what to say. It’s not a bad thing that I’m speechless, really. It’s probably a good thing, because anything I could say would likely insert my foot so far into my mouth that I would need the jaws of life to remove it.
So I’ll refrain from saying any more than what I’ve already said, which isn’t really much at all and doesn’t at all tell you how I feel. But that’s okay, I’m not sure I really wanna talk about my feelings right now.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
You know, that leaves me at a huge disadvantage. I won’t press you for details.
I’ll just allow myself to hope that however you feel, we have a strong enough, albeit formerly casual, friendship or ‘flirtation-ship’ that will come through unscathed regardless of the outcome.
Provided I don’t do anything truly bastardous. Which I don’t plan on doing.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Maybe it does leave you at a disadvantage. But I just think that adding my feelings into the mix will only complicate the whole situation even more. Well, maybe not complicate. But it won’t make things any better.
But yes… you can have that hope. Although, I can be a little sensitive and sometimes easily hurt, especially when I allow myself to really care about someone. So I can’t say whatever happens will be smooth sailing.
But I’ll say no more because… well, I don’t think it really matters what I would prefer the outcome of all this to be.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I’m not telling you I don’t want to spend time with you. I’m not one of those kinds of guys, though the thought that I might be/might have been one of those guys probably made you want to jump in headfirst even more… :/
Maybe it’s a mistake for me to be thinking the way I am about things and I’m letting the best opportunity get by me. I hope not. Only time will tell, as it always does.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I do tend to throw myself into the most unfortunate and hopeless situations I can find. Not implying that you are unfortunate or hopeless, just that this isn’t exactly what I was hoping for.
Guess it just gives me another reason to beat myself up for turning you down… well, how many times? I was dumb. I’d like to hope that I haven’t totally lost my chance, but like you said, I guess time will tell.
And really, if you haven’t figured out how I feel about you by now… I thought you were supposed to be smart?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I knew. That’s why I took this opportunity to be honest with you. You’re smart, too, but I’d rather just tell you than leave you to figure it out.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s just the timing of everything. High school, the music business, cancer, my horrible 2 year relationship with it and my ex, and then now.
I don’t count this as turning you down or closing a window at all. I actually kind of think I’m just putting myself out there, as vulnerable I can be, despite the timing.
As you get to know me better, you’ll see that I have a fear of finality, so I don’t let windows or doors ever close, if I can let them.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I do appreciate the honesty. I was starting to wonder, but at least now I can avoid jumping to all the conclusions that I might have done if you hadn’t told me the truth.
You fear finality, and I fear open endings. I think we’ve found another thing (besides our horrible timing) that might be working against us. I can’t help beating myself up, though. Even if the door hasn’t closed and I haven’t totally lost my chance again…
If you feel like you’re putting yourself out there and being vulnerable, I almost feel like I ought to do the same. But then, you say you know how I feel, so I don’t know that I really need to spell it all out for you. I don’t think it’s really necessary for me to say that I hope, if/when you get tired of being single, I’ll still be around. But there it is anyway. Foot, meet mouth.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
You know my greatest fear. The point of no return. It -is- my greatest fear, and what’s sad is that it’s got so many applications to real life. Death is only one point of no return. Missed opportunity pops up way more often, though. Unless you’re… me… somehow… lol
At least I can still laugh with a grim humor.
Your feet and your mouth, (not to allude to Deliverance or nuthin’) are both pretty. I had no idea you were that flexible, haha. I should try some more daring things with you whenever it happens again.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I like that you can still laugh. Works well with my morbid and usually inappropriate sense of humor, too.
And speaking of inappropriate jokes… haha. We’ll just see about that. I don’t practice yoga for nothing, you know.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
*exasperated tone* Y-y-you Yoga?!
Fine… I’m starting pilates to-mor-row.
We’re going to go through the kama sutra page by page. Lol
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I had a copy of the kama sutra once.
I used it as a checklist.
Perhaps I should invest in another copy.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Haha, oh why.
We could just wikipedia it.
If the info we get is wrong… it’ll still -feel- right. ; )
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
Hahaha I love wikipedia. A friend and I once spent hours looking at all of the weird information on there about sex. It all started with the question, exactly how many people does it take to have a orgy? We had no pressing need for an answer, however, so don’t go jumping to any conclusions there.
And… oh my. Just stop now. Don’t tease me.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I’ll stop.
Just one more thing. The sex was great. Haha
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I should be keeping a count of how many times you’ve told me that. I dunno what I would do with that count, but I think it’s nearing the double digits now… so that’s impressive.
Almost as impressive as the sex was. Yeah. Have I mentioned you were amazing?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: music and girls
I’d say “I try”… but when we did it, I didn’t have to try… it just happened. It was effortless.
It was certainly the only thing on my mind, don’t get me wrong. I just think you know what I mean, and it’s a good thing.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: drunk
So I’m packing to go home for Easter break tomorrow. Realized I still have 1/4 of a bottle of cherry schnapps that I’d prefer not to get in trouble for leaving in my room.
You should anticipate increasingly inappropriate and incomprehensible messages as the night goes on.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: drunk
I’m looking forward to it.
I’m in a pissy mood tonight. Don’t count on me being sweet or flirty. In fact, I plan on talking to my ex, in hopes of working myself into a pride fueled rampage.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: drunk
Umm… hmm. Okay. That’ll be interesting, I suppose.
I can pretty much guarantee that I’m a flirty drunk. Or you know, just talkative. Which isn’t much different from my usual.
At least the ex is useful for something? That’s more than I can say for most of mine.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: drunk
I’m pissed off at my family. That’s my general version of pissed offness, unless it’s at my ex.
Since I can’t push my family away the like I can push an ex away, I’m trying to defer my annoyance, or at least increase it towards a party that I don’t care much for lol.
You’re flirty and talkative. Clever, too. I like discovering and analyzing people when drunk.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Don’t get me started on family. Sure, mine could have been worse than it was, but I can still ramble about it for hours. Even you can’t be that interested in what I’ve got to say.
It seems like lately all my exes have tried to come back into my life in one form or another… I would complain, but it brought you back, too.
I can still type rele… fuck it, nevermind. I can’t spell that. Defnitely getting tipsy.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
I think I’m going to study sociology, psychology, and war strategy tonight.
Then find the equivalent to an unbeatable campaign, on a social scale. Flattery rarely fails, and never does if it’s sincere.
I can convince myself that I sincerely believe anything.
Growing up in the friend zone and obsessing over girls I can’t have really makes that like breathing for me.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Making sense of what you’re saying is becoming increasingly difficult… haha
Obsessing over girls you can’t have, eh? Wouldn’t happen to be talking about anyone I know, would ya? Well… never say never, I guess. Although I can’t imagine there are many girls you of all people can’t have.
Even I don’t know what I want sometimes, I think.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
I think I know what I want, even though I dread that it might be all I want one day.
It’s nice, warm, moist at times, and very near you right now. 😉
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Umm… I think I get what you’re saying. And if I’m right, I wish I didn’t understand it.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Uh. No, you didn’t get it. It was supposed to -just- be flirty.
Not personally revealing lol.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Ohhh…. okay. I’m gonna slow down on the schnapps now, I think. And turn off the depressing music.
I promise I’m usually smarter than that, it’s just the alcohol mucking it all up. But you knew that, right?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Oh yes. You’re much too lively to have missed what I was saying, normally.
Depressing music and booze. You’re not alone too, are you?
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
I did get your meaning, I think. The emphasis and inflection were just a bit wrong in my original interpretation. And clearly I need to drink more if I can still use words liek that. Then again, I like seeming like an intellectual drunk.
Blame Chelsea for sending me the depressing music. I am alone, but I don’t mind drinking alone sometimes. That really makes me sound like an alcoholic, but I’m not. I do come from a long line of them, though. But my addictions lie elsewhere, in things that don’t cost as much (or anything at all).
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Put on some sexual sounding music… and let me send you dirty dirty messages and tell you all about what I would do to you if I was there. haha
Just be careful not to let yourself get addicted… to anything I say tonight.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Well that sounds like a fun plan.
And it’s probably too late for that warning. But hey, I’m drunk. I can always play it off like I was too sauced to know better.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Mmhm. I bet it sounds just great. Especially since you’ve got a drunken imagination and some rather powerful memories to go off of.
Sooo… what are you wearing? Haha
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: drunk
Powerful is an understatement, darling.
I can tell you that, but it’s utterly un-sexy. Some old t shirt, plaid pajama pants… the underwear is more interesting, though. Lacy red bra and polka dotted panties.
Can’t believe I’m even typing this out… It’s not like you haven’t already seen it all, but I’m so not the type for… I’m rambling now and I can’t even make a coherent sentence. I should sleep.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: blahhhh
Just thought I’d send you a message and see what’s going on in Taylor-land. I’ve only been at mom’s for a day and already I’m starved for human contact. Dialup and no cable tv will do that to a person, I guess. We don’t even have any good plans for Easter.
So, how are you tonight?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: blahhhh
If you’re still around, I had company that’s gone to sleep now, haha.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: blahhhh
Looks like we missed each other again. Well, I might be coming to Tulsa soon, depending on the news I’ll hopefully get tomorrow. It won’t be good news, but I won’t burden you with my problems. As always, I’d like to see you when I get in, but we’ll see what happens…
In case we miss each other yet again, goodnight love 🙂
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: blahhhh
I’m the kind of man who voluntarily shoulders extra burdens.
You can tell me when I see you. Because I want to see you when you come in.
In case I missed you: Good morning, love.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: blahhhh
You didn’t quite miss me this time, although I will probably hit the sack soon.
I know you are, but I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t given her burdens away easily. It’ll be easier to talk about in person, though. I like conversations online because you can choose just the right words, but face to face definitely has its advantages.
So I’ll be in some time between tomorrow and Monday, haha. And you’ll be the first person to know.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: blahhhh
you have my digits, gurl.
anytime, even if it’s not for flirting or making plans. you should know that. part of being a romantic is having the door to friend zone always open, but trusting the girl not to put me there permanently, ever.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: blahhhh
Phone conversations aren’t really my cup of tea, but I appreciate the thought.
I don’t think you have to worry about being permanently in the “friend zone,” as you call it. They need to invent a new word for what we are/have been. Friends doesn’t have enough shades of meaning.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: blahhhh
neither does “human”.
But that borders on some grand thought that it’s far too late to start a conversation about right now. Haha
There go the memories of yesterday
And here come the poetry of all those things I couldn’t say
You can only wait so long before your flower petals are all gone
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone