Feel The Bridges Burning
“I’ve lived too long with pain. I won’t know who I am without it.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
Never boring
Posted by: TaylorHanson
My life never is boring, is it? Aside from all the things that come along with traveling the world, recording music and all of that, I still manage to find ways to make things interesting.
I’m sure you’ve all heard all about my recent incident. It really wasn’t as bad as it sounded. Some small animal ran out in the road, I tried to dodge, and I ended up in the ditch instead. I’m doing much better now, and getting pretty good at walking on these crutches. Amazingly, my only injury in the crash was my ankle, but it was absolutely shattered. So now I’m hobbling around, but I’m still moving. I’ve got to say, I’m really sick of hospitals – ha!
Very, very soon we’re going to have some news to report about the new music we keep assuring you is coming soon.
I had a theory about relationships—specifically, about the end of them. It only happens one of two ways. It can be a gradual thing, with both parties seeing but perhaps not accepting that the end is near. When they do finally realize, it still might not end well, but it’s the better scenario. The worst scenario is when only one person sees the end coming. Maybe the other person should have and maybe they shouldn’t have, but either way, they get completely blindsided.
The end of my relationship with Marcus was the latter.
Looking back, I think I should have seen it coming. We argued more than we got along, but the arguments rarely turned serious, unless he felt the need to bring my family or my mental health into the equation. Other than that, fighting was practically foreplay for us. It certainly never felt like it was leading up to any inevitable conclusion. But maybe it should have.
The night that it happened was like any other night. We were holed up in his dorm room, taking furtive puffs off a bong he’d made out of a water bottle and an ink pen. His roommate was gone for the weekend, so we could get away with it if we remembered to open a window and spray a lot of air freshener.
“Did you go to the counseling center yet?” He asked between hits.
I shook my head.
“I thought you were going to this week.”
“I thought I was, too,” I replied, taking a long hit before adding, “but I just can’t. I can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
We’d gone around in the same circle over and over, but I didn’t think he was ever going to get it. Marcus would never get the sort of pressure I grew up under. We were just different that way.
“It’s just… my family, you know?”
“Yeah, they’re the reason you need to go.”
I shook my head. “No. Well, yeah. But they’re the reason I can’t. Getting help for this stuff… admitting you have a problem… I mean, to my mom, mental health issues are just weakness. She actually said last year that if anyone had a right to be depressed, it was her—the divorce and everything, you know—and she was fine. The subtext being that everyone else should just be fine, too. As if we have the choice.”
“And that’s bullshit,” he replied. “You know that’s bullshit.”
“It doesn’t matter to her what I know or what I think. She’s made up her mind.”
Marcus shook his head angrily. “You’re an adult. You don’t actually have to do what she wants you to do.”
“Believe me, I’m not. And it’s fine as long as she doesn’t know about it,” I said, shaking the bong to illustrate my point about things that needed to remain hidden. “But if I go there, if I admit that there’s something not right in my head, then yeah… at some point, she’s going to find out. Even if she doesn’t, we’re talking about twenty years of this stuff crammed into my head… just the idea of admitting it, saying I can’t fucking do this, it’s terrifying.”
By that point I was shaking and crying, so Marcus finally dropped the subject. We finished off his little handcrafted bowl, but it didn’t make me feel much better. I hated smoking when I was already upset. Alcohol just intensified my emotions, and weed seemed to coat them in paranoia and agitation. Sometimes I wondered why I did any of that shit at all if it rarely seemed to fix anything, but I didn’t remember how I dealt with my problems before all the substances. If nothing else, it was something to do so that the boredom didn’t kill me.
“Ade,” he said with a sigh. “I think… well, I’ve been thinking for a while…”
I knew enough to know that anything that began with I’ve been thinking couldn’t possibly end well. But maybe that was just the paranoia talking.
“I’m just not sure this is really working.”
I was right. “What… what about it isn’t working?”
“I think you just… you want more from me than I can give you.”
“What the hell kind of answer is that?” I asked.
Marcus ran a hand through his hair, and for a moment, I felt sorry for him. He was obviously struggling to find the words, and I knew I was his first serious girlfriend. “It’s just, you know, this started out just for fun, I thought. And I thought I was okay with that, but then it got serious and I don’t know… I don’t know how to deal with that.”
“You know I never did any of that stuff just for fun, though. I mean, it was at the time but then later… it was never as good as a real relationship would have been.” It was the first time I’d admitted that, and it felt awful to say.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Well, I just don’t know. I don’t know what I want out of a relationship. And it’s probably not good for me to be in one until I figure it out.”
It all felt like excuses to me. There was probably some truth somewhere beneath the words that just sounded like lines, but I couldn’t find it. I begged. I cried. I accused. But nothing could convince him that he didn’t want to end it.
So then I screamed.
I left his dorm in a rage, carrying a bag full of everything of mine that I’d left in his room over the last few months. I wasn’t sure if it counted as a walk of shame in the middle of the night, but whatever it was called, that walk back to my apartment was the worst walk of my life.
The worst part was that I had probably just proven him right and I knew it. I did seem crazy, emotions flying all over the place as I desperately tried to win him over. For the millionth time in the past two years, all I could do was wonder when this had become my life. When had I become this crazy, stoned girl, stomping across campus in her pajamas?
It wasn’t until I made it back to my room and collapsed on my bed that I finally remembered who Marcus reminded me of.
Taylor.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Hey gorgeous
How are you? Haven’t heard from you in quite some time.
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Hey gorgeous
Frustrated. That sums it all up, really.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Hey gorgeous
Why are you frustrated?
Is no one telling you that you’re beautiful, and they’d like to wake up next to you? ; )
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hey gorgeous
Your guess/joke/compliment was freakishly accurate. That is precisely why I’m frustrated. But I’m going to hang out with friends tonight and watch some movies, so that may balance things out. We’ll see.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hey gorgeous
Take it as all of those… I meant it, however you needed it. Hope that levels it out.
California here we come
Posted by: TaylorHanson
In just a few hours, we’ll be on a plane to California. It feels absolutely amazing to say that, although it is hard to leave New York. After a year, it’s really starting to feel like home. At the same time, it’s wonderful to know that we’re finally going to get back out there and do what we do—play music!
That’s right. We’ve got some radio things lined up, as well as performance at a show to benefit an AIDS organization called LIFEBeat. It’s going to be our first time getting out there and playing some of these songs for people other than record executives and my fellow patients who got to hear some very, very rough demos. Now we’re doing it all on our own and finally getting back to you guys, the fans. I speak for the entire band when I say that we have missed you guys so much, and we’re so grateful for all you who have stuck by us through everything that’s happened in the past two years.
I spent a big portion of the summer at my mom’s. It was boring as hell, but I didn’t really care. None of my friends in Tulsa seemed to ever be home and willing to hang out, so what was the point of being there? I had even gotten so desperate that I tried to call and email Taylor, but I never got any reply. He was probably out of town. I knew they were releasing an album soon, and I was pretty sure he was seeing Hannah again.
I didn’t know why that bothered me so much.
My parents were both starting to date, too, which was far stranger than I could have imagined. Mom was talking to some guy she had dated in high school before meeting my dad, which was weird in and of itself. The idea of my mom once being a teenager who went on dates and was just generally a normal teenager… it did not compute. Before leaving for a date one day, she had the audacity to ask me how far she ought to go on the first date. I just stared blankly at her, which prompted her to ask how far I usually went. I declined to answer that one, too.
And then there was my dad.
I had heard plenty about the woman he was supposedly dating, despite the fact that he had felt no need to mention her to me himself. Like the other three DUIs he’d managed to pick up at some point, I guess his girlfriend was just a minor detail that I didn’t need to know. Eventually, though, he called and asked me to come home so that we could be properly introduced.
It went every bit as well as I expected.
When I came home and walked into my bedroom, I had the distinct impression that someone had been in my room. Dad never bothered to go in there, so I knew it wasn’t him. I couldn’t even say for sure if anything had been moved, but something just felt off. Even a person who has no sense of organization at all can tell when the chaos they live in has been disrupted. Since it was just a feeling I had with no evidence to back it up, I didn’t mention it to Dad.
I had dreaded the drive back to Tulsa, so I’d left late and taken my time. It didn’t matter, anyway. Misty—yes, my father was dating someone named Misty—wasn’t there when I arrived, and wasn’t expected for several hours. At some point after dinner, I got tired of waiting. I was holed up in my room, watching tv in my pajamas, when I heard Dad yell to tell me she was there.
My aunt and cousins who lived nearby had tried to warn me, but their descriptions hadn’t come close to truly capturing Misty Dawn Bowman. She was practically young enough to be my sister, at only thirty-two to my dad’s fifty-four, but she didn’t look it. Her skin was freckled and scaly like a lizard, and while I couldn’t say for certain that her long black hair was a wig, I was willing to take my cousin’s word for it. She was crammed into jeans that were at least two sizes too small and had little rhinestone accents along the pockets. At least her pink tank top coordinated with the giant butterfly tattoo on her chest. That was the best thing I could say for her.
She apologized for taking so long to arrive, explaining that it was because she’d wanted to buy me a few gifts. I tried to be gracious as she handed over a set of fluffy pajamas and a shirt with a giant glittery butterfly. Evidently Misty Dawn had a thing for butterflies.
The conversation that followed was easily the most awkward conversation of my life. She asked about college, my interest, my love life—anything that came to her mind—but seemed to zone out as soon as I attempted to answer. She called my dad Davey. Davey.
When she called me a “natural beauty” and followed it up with comments about how I really ought to let her do my makeup, since I obviously didn’t wear any, I decided it was time to call it a night. She made me promise to let her do my makeup in the morning, and I shuddered to think what I would look like once she was finished, if her own raccoon eyes and frosted lips were any indication.
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I’d never before been so bothered to have a bedroom located directly below my dad’s. It had never been a problem before. Never before could I have imagined that he would bring a girlfriend over, and that their voices—only talking, thank god—would keep me awake into the early hours of the morning.
Even though it was late, I sent Taylor an email that night. I needed to vent to someone, and something about Misty reminded me of the awful girls he’d told me about Isaac bringing home.
He didn’t reply.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Tired?
You’re really really tired? At least, according to your away message.
If you want to, you can come and sleep with me. Of course, I’m in Minnesota, so it’ll be a bit of a drive.
p.s. In all seriousness though… how was your week?
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Tired?
Oh no. I am not driving anywhere else tonight. I just barely survived a three hour round-trip I shouldn’t have even made, to take my ex-boyfriend home for the weekend.
My week started out strange, and then got worse. Now I have some combination of a cold, allergies, strep throat, and a stomach virus. We’ll see if I live until next week.
On the road again
Posted by: TaylorHanson
Man it feels good to be touring again! It’s one of those things that you don’t even realize you’re missing until you’re out there again, speeding across the country in a tiny little bus. Playing concerts for you guys is what it’s all about. Knowing that I’ve always had the music is what has kept me going through some of the lowest of lows. Being able to share that music with you all now makes it all worth it.
It’s been a long hard, road to get us here, and me in particular. I’ll be honest, there were times when we didn’t know if this album would ever happen, but there’s no doubt about it now. Even if I had to wheel myself onstage and every concert was a battle, I would be out there, giving you guys everything I had. Some days are harder than others, but at no point during this tour so far have I regretted getting back out here.
At some point in the very near future, we’ll be doing a press conference so we can talk about the upcoming full length album in more detail. For now, I hope you guys are enjoying the acoustic EP and the shows we’ve been playing.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: hey
Hey there… How’s life?
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: hey
Life is hectic. Trying to get everything ready to go back to college now that fall break is over. Burning awesome mix cds to keep me from going insane on the drive to school. Other than that, nothing particularly interesting is going on. How are you? We haven’t really talked in forever, and I don’t know if that’s my fault or yours.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: hey
Can we attribute the lack of contact to… everyday life?
Or do I need to bring my career and health into it? Both of those complicate things a bit.
I’m back on the road, and life is alright. Hectic as well, but I’m giving less than a damn about most things, as things with the new album are looking good. We’ve finally started our own label and put a little acoustic EP out before the full album comes out. I foresee lots of fortune and fame, some awesome road trips, and probably some awesome nights of drinking in my immediate future.
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: hey
Everyday life does seem to get in the way, doesn’t it? If it weren’t for life, I’d have time to live. Hmm.
Your health? Are you okay? I hope nothing serious has happened, or re-happened, or anything.
I’ll be back at college Sunday, and I really can’t wait. I think I’d heard something about the label and EP business.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: hey
Oh, my health and life… we could discuss it over dinner sometime… but I hear you’re taken… so darn.
I’m doing fine, though. as far as I know, I’m 100% healthy. No cancer or broken bones (which is an entirely different adventure).
The label thing was a long time coming, and I think you knew that. We were just running into the same brick wall over and over again with IDJ, and frankly, my fragile little body couldn’t take any more of it. Being on our own feels a lot better, physically and mentally.
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey
Well, I hope you continued to be cancer and broken bone free.
Oh, I wouldn’t say taken is entirely the appropriate term for what I am, regardless of what you’ve heard. It’s a confusing situation, and is probably subject to change in a few days. I gave it another try with an ex, which is never a very good idea, and I should have known better.
I think you still owe me a road trip, though. Of course, I finally have a car, so I suppose I could be the one driving. Whatever gets you and me in the same place at some point before I graduate from college and you release that album and get too busy touring the world to have time for me.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey
Well, the album is likely to be out quite soon, and you still have a few years of college to go.
I’m up for it, anytime. We’ll think of something. This is the first time in my life I don’t have parents, doctors, or a girlfriend to be responsible to. And at the risk of sounding like a teenager again… I’m just glad to be able to do whatever the hell I want. haha
I know what you mean about the ex thing. Hannah and I gave it another try, and… well, it’s a long story that I won’t bother you with. So, yeah. Single is what I am. I’m a very happy, comfortable single, who is about to, as you said, tour the world, and so doesn’t care what happens socially or romantically in the near future.
Clearing the air
Posted by TaylorHanson
We wanted to make sure you guys heard the news here first, because I know a lot of rumors have been circulating and with that comes misinformation and exaggerations. I did collapse after our concert at the House of Blues in Chicago, and I am currently in the hospital. I’m resting comfortably and I already feel better, but all future plans have been put on hold thanks to my doctors.
As soon as the doctors say it’s alright to travel, I’ll be heading back to Tulsa for more and more tests, before we can say whether the worst case scenario has happened yet again.
CHICAGO (AP) – Taylor Hanson of the band Hanson has been hospitalized following a collapse backstage at a concert, his publicist said Thursday. After running a series of tests, his doctors have determined that Taylor has suffered a relapse almost two years after his initial diagnosis of Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare bone cancer. Taylor will return to the family home in Tulsa, Oklahoma and receive an experimental cancer treatment for the next four months. Isaac and Zac will honor the band’s commitments to appear at a few events before the end of the year. The Hanson trio, which includes brothers Taylor and Zac, had its biggest hit in 1997 when “MMMBop” helped ignite the boy band craze. They recently played Carnegie Hall as the final stop on their acoustic tour. They have started their own record label, 3CG records, and plan to release a new album in May.
“If you were Queen of pleasure
And I were King of pain
We’d hunt down Love together,
Pluck out his flying-feather,
And teach his feet a measure,
And find his mouth a rein;
If you were Queen of pleasure
And I were King of pain.”
― Algernon Charles Swinburne