You Held Me Without Chains
“That’s what real love amounts to—letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending—performing. You get to love your pretense. It’s true, we’re locked in an image, an act – and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.”
– Jim Morrison
jporter82: how’s college treating you so far?
blue x skye: it’s alright. my roommate is kinda weird. i think she’s gonna move out soon and i’ll get a single room.
jporter82: singles are definitely better. what about your classes and everything else?
blue x skye: they’re just classes, i dunno. not too hard yet but it’s only been a week.
jporter82: they’ll get harder, but as long as you study you’ll be alright
blue x skye: yeah i guess. all studying and no partying, right?
jporter82: don’t tell me you’ve started partying already
blue x skye: not really. i mean, sitting around and drinking with a few friends is hardly a party
jporter82: that’s not so bad
blue x skye: i know, i know. you don’t party at all. you’re a good kid.
jporter82: partying isn’t going to get me into med school
blue x skye: good thing i don’t want to be a doctor, then
jporter82: i just worry about you, though. the way your dad is…
blue x skye: i’m not my dad, jacob.
jporter82: i didn’t say you were, but there is a genetic disposition toward that sort of thing
blue x skye: so i just have to be careful. i’m just having a few drinks, not downing a full case of beer myself, okay? i’m fine.
jporter82: okay… just please be careful
blue x skye: i will. i promise.
jporter82: so lawton’s not really that far from oklahoma city, is it?
blue x skye: no it’s not really. closer than it is to tulsa.
jporter82: so a weekend visit would be pretty easy
blue x skye: it wouldn’t have been that difficult no matter where in oklahoma i ended up, jacob
jporter82: i know, i know. i just didn’t think about it.
blue x skye: no, i guess you didn’t
jporter82: i’m sorry
blue x skye: okay
jporter82: so… maybe this weekend?
blue x skye: i don’t know. i’m going home for labor day, i think
jporter82: the weekend after?
blue x skye: yeah, okay
Jacob and I had gone out once over the summer, when I was desperate and missing Taylor. I didn’t know why I agreed to it. I was fairly certain there was no way the two of us could ever get back what we had before. When we kissed, it was awkward and nothing like it had been. It seemed to only prove my theory that our relationship was over. Yet when he asked if he could visit me—if you could even call it asking—I couldn’t say no. I wanted to believe that things could be different this time, that now that I was at college we could have a fresh start.
My roommate Lisa went home for the weekend, and I knew Jacob read far too much into the fact that we would have the room to ourselves. He didn’t plan to stay the night, since it really wasn’t a long drive and he was a good boy, but I could still hear a certain something in his voice when I told him she would be gone.
Despite dating for a year, Jacob and I had never gone all the way. Everyone assumed we had. My friends pressed me for details, but I had little to nothing to tell them. My mom put me on the pill as soon as she came to terms with the fact that I really was leaving for college. It felt awkward to tell her I had no use for it yet, but even more awkward to tell her that I probably would need it the future, so I just went along with it. I figured it was better to be prepared than not. Who knew what college might hold for me? It was just another source of disagreement with Jacob, though. Evidently, despite all our fooling around in his backseat, he thought we were waiting until marriage. I hadn’t even been sure I really wanted to marry him. Then it all ended anyway.
But now he was on his way to visit me for the weekend, and there had been serious hints that he had certain plans for the visit. As soon as I got out of class for the afternoon, I rushed to shower, fix my hair and makeup and put on a new shirt and my favorite jeans. I feel silly dressing up so much for my ex. If nothing else, I figured I would remind him of all that he let go.
If he noticed all my effort, he didn’t feel the need to comment on it. The only thing he did feel the need to comment on, it seemed, was how small Lawton was compared to Tulsa and Oklahoma City. Sure, it was smaller. But why was that a bad thing? Tulsa had never seemed all that large anyway, not after spending my entire life getting to know it inside and out. And I’d never been very fond of Oklahoma City. I didn’t say as much, but I was pretty sure Jacob was just trying to hint that I’d made the wrong decision about college. I disagreed, though. I liked Cameron and I liked Lawton. I liked my life.
We had a boring dinner and watched a totally forgettable movie that neither of us really had any interest in, but it was the only one playing at the tiny movie theater we stumbled upon. We really hadn’t planned the date very well, and I suppose it was because the primary thing on our mind was what would happen once we were back in the dorm.
All too soon, we were there. Neither of us said a word as I checked him into the dorm and led him to my room on the second floor. The rooms were tiny, so we had to loft our beds, and Jacob laughed at the fact that I needed a step ladder to climb into mine. He hoisted himself onto it easily, and wasted no time with small talk before climbing on top of me and slipping his tongue into my mouth. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It almost felt like it used to, when we would sneak away and make out in his car. The difference now was that we were alone. There was no one to interrupt us and no curfew.
Jacob slid a shaking hand under my shirt and I hoped he didn’t notice how much I was shaking, too. Then again, what did it matter if we were both nervous? It would be strange not to be nervous about losing your virginity, I thought. At the same time, I didn’t understand why this was such a big step to take when we’d done so much already. Why was this such a big deal? Yet… it was.
Despite our shaking hands, we still managed to remove each others’ shirts fairly easily. Jacob’s hand made its way to my bra while mine found its way to his pants, fumbling with his belt buckle until he gave up on my bra and helped me. Once he undid his belt and unzipped his pants, I slipped my hand inside, blushing so much I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. This felt wrong. We weren’t even dating anymore. Or were we? I didn’t know what this meant at all. Would this change everything? I had no answers for myself.
A loud knock at the door made us both jump. I was certain I’d locked the door, though. A second later, a booming voice called out, “Campus Security!”
My heart leaped into my throat, and Jacob looked equally as scared. He scrambled away from me and scurried to button his pants. I jumped off the bed, foregoing the step ladder entirely and wincing when my feet hit the floor with all my weight behind them. I grabbed my shirt from where it had landed and yanked it over my head.
I unlocked the door just as the security guy knocked again, and opened it just a crack. I had signed Jacob in, but I was still embarrassed to let him be seen on my bed like that. I had no doubt it was totally obvious what we had been doing.
“Yes?” I asked, staring up at the imposing figure in front of me.
“Do you drive a 1999 Mustang?”
I blinked. “Umm… no.”
“There’s one in the parking lot with its alarm going off. Just trying to find the owner.”
“Oh,” I replied. It wasn’t Jacob’s car either, but I didn’t see the need to point that out. The officer didn’t seem to have noticed him. He didn’t even glance over my shoulder into the room, nor did he appear to care about my rumbled shirt and hair.
“Do you know who that might belong to?” He asked.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Okay. Well, thank you.”
With that, he was gone. I shut the door and locked it again, then leaned against it, pressing my forehead to the wood. The moment was ruined, of that I was sure. The spell Jacob and I had been under was broken. I took one glance at him and I could see from the look on his face that he felt the same way.
There was no going back. What we’d had was over.
eightyeight88: so, how’s college? i’m sure it’s agreeing with you
blue x skye: not as much as los angeles agrees with you
eightyeight88: i used to like it more. these days it’s just full of record label drama.
blue x skye: what’s the label doing now?
eightyeight88: hating every song we write based only on the fact that we wrote them. but they can’t tell us who they want us to be, only that it clearly isn’t who we are.
blue x skye: don’t you dare change who you are for them, taylor
eightyeight88: never dreamed of it, darling
blue x skye: what will you do, then? just keep writing and hope they like it eventually? i don’t know how this stuff works
eightyeight88: no one does. not even the douchebags in charge of it.
blue x skye: fair enough
eightyeight88: we’ll figure something out, i’m sure. we’re too stubborn not to
blue x skye: can’t argue with that
eightyeight88: enough about me. how is college, honestly?
blue x skye: boring, especially compared to your life
eightyeight88: no wild parties? no orgies? all those college movies lied to me
blue x skye: not wild parties, no. some drinking. definitely no orgies.
eightyeight88: don’t lie, i’m sure there are dozens of college men just falling at your feet
blue x skye: not really. a few, i guess. dumb jocks, mostly. and jacob came to visit…
eightyeight88: oh, did he? i didn’t realize you were still speaking to him
blue x skye: i’m not anymore. it was a mistake.
eightyeight88: say no more
blue x skye: not like that! well sort of like that, but not what you’re thinking, i’m sure
eightyeight88: i’m not thinking anything other than what you’ve told me
blue x skye: right. and i’m sure there are no women in your life, either?
eightyeight88: none to speak of, really. hannah’s on the other side of the country, so i think we knew that was never going to work out.
blue x skye: no other girls throwing themselves at you?
eightyeight88: i wouldn’t say throwing, no. michelle’s been out here working with us, though
blue x skye: michelle?
eightyeight88: branch, you know. we played a couple concerts with her last year.
blue x skye: oh, with that one song? yeah, i know her
eightyeight88: she reminds me of you. not her looks, of course, but something about her
blue x skye: so you’ve got an adelaide substitute?
eightyeight88: i wouldn’t put it that way, but i suppose. if i cuddle with her, can i consider it cuddling with you by proxy?
blue x skye: …no, i don’t think so
eightyeight88: that’s a shame. maybe i’ll have to cuddle with the real deal the next time i’m in oklahoma.
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: You.
You, sir, need to get your ass to Lawton to visit me. No ifs, ands, or buts, except for your butt being here. Any questions?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: You.
You know what… I could go for a road trip that’s not to LA. I could also go for some Lady, too.
I’ll jot you down on my “to do” list, if you know what I mean. 😉
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: You.
Road trips are always great. This weekend, although it may be a bit short notice, is some sort of fall festival thing here. This is such a small town compared to Tulsa.
You’re still in Tulsa right now, aren’t you? It’s barely a three hour drive here…
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You.
Oh, are you wanting me to come in this very weekend?
To: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You.
Well, whenever you get a chance. This weekend could be fun, since it’s that festival but any weekend will do.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: TaylorHanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: You.
Well, I don’t have any plans for this weekend, yet. I’ll let you know the closer it gets.
A month and a half.
After six weeks and five days of nothing I was forced to accept the fact that Taylor wasn’t coming to visit me. Worse than that, he wasn’t even speaking to me. I knew he’d returned to Oklahoma at some point, but news was hard to come by, so I had no clue if they’d gone back to LA or off to some other location entirely. No one really seemed to know, or they just weren’t telling me.
The message was coming through loud and clear, though. Taylor didn’t want to see me.
Lisa moved into her own room not long after Jacob’s visit, leaving me with an entire double room to myself. I lived in constant fear that some transfer student would be moved in, but it never happened. I had my own sanctuary where I could stay up all night wallowing in my worries and doubts, only sleeping for an hour or two if I was lucky before my classes began for the day.
When Taylor and I had planned for him to visit, we made it very clear that it was going to be an overnight trip. I considered telling him to bring pillows and blankets for the extra bed that was just a stripped mattress covered in my books and papers. But I didn’t. I knew that if he visited, we would share my bed. We would cuddle, like he said.
And I had a very strong suspicion that we would have sex.
We were both still virgins—a fact that I found surprising to learn about him—but we seemed to agree that it wasn’t some huge obstacle to overcome. It didn’t define us. My fellow college student seemed to disagree, though. And so I wanted that label gone.
When I imagined that weekend with Taylor, there was no doubt in my mind that it would involve sex. And I was fine with that. I decided that I wanted my first time to be with him.
But he didn’t visit. Six weeks and five days, and he didn’t speak a single word to me.
The period between Thanksgiving break and finals week was strange. Professors seemed disinclined to assign much reading or any real work that wasn’t related to their final exams, so there really wasn’t much to do that didn’t inspire serious procrastination. I had plenty of time to do all the work I’d been unable to do during my long nights awake and paralyzed by worry.
The rest of campus seemed to agree with me. Everyone was in a constant state of party during those days before finals. The dorm hallways smelled of beer, and more than once I woke up still drunk from the night before.
I had graduated from a few drinks with friends to real parties. It was an easy transition to make. My best friends on campus, Sarah and Melanie, were older and knew all the upperclassmen who held parties in their off campus apartments. I wasn’t very well known or popular on campus, but my newfound ability to hold impressive amounts of liquor in my relatively small body was earning me quite the reputation. It was good to be known and liked for something, I supposed.
I left one of those parties arm in arm with a boy from my biology class. I couldn’t remember his last name, and I was fairly certain he had a girlfriend, but he was cute. A few years older than me, I was sure, but he didn’t balk at the idea that I was still a virgin the way boys my age seemed to. He took things slowly and seemed eager to make sure I enjoyed myself.
And I did. Even though I was certain, when I saw them together a few days later, that he really did have a girlfriend.
Three more times I sneaked away in the middle of the night to his apartment. I’d gotten a cell phone as a graduation present, so I always texted him to be sure his girlfriend wasn’t going to be around. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I found that I didn’t care. College was the right time to do bad, scandalous things, I told myself.
I hardly even cared that I’d lost my virginity to a guy I didn’t love. It was easier that way. It was just gone, leaving me with more important things to worry about.
Such as why I still hadn’t heard from Taylor.
“Have you guys heard the new stuff Hanson’s working on? Taylor sent me some demos a while back and I didn’t get around to listening to them at first, but they’re pretty damn good,” Eric said between bites of his sandwich.
It was strange to come home from college to all my friend from Tulsa. It seemed nothing had changed, when really it had. We were all going off in different directions and I didn’t really like my direction, but I put on a good face, I thought. Mostly they talked, and I only commented when they directed a question to me. The comment about Hanson reminded me of how much I missed Taylor, though.
I spoke up. “That reminds me, I haven’t heard from Taylor in a while. Have any of you guys talked to him or the others?”
A weird silence descended over the table. I had hit a nerve and I didn’t know why, but I could feel it. Eric stared at Chelsea, who mumbled something to Billie. It seemed they were all debating on whether or not to tell me something. I’d feared he was dating Michelle, even though he swore he wasn’t. Or maybe he had gotten back together with Hannah. Anything was possible.
Finally, Chelsea looked right at me and I steeled myself to deal with the fact that he’d probably fallen in love with someone else by now, and I’d lost my chance.
“Umm… Taylor didn’t want us to tell you, but… he has cancer.”
I couldn’t even speak. I saw red at first, angry that he didn’t want me to know. Then that anger was replaced with sadness and fear. So this was why he couldn’t make the drive to visit me. It wasn’t a girl or his career; it was his life. He might be dying. I felt petty and childish for thinking he’d abandoned what we never had for someone else.
I didn’t finish my lunch.
“We have sad news to report on this edition of Entertainment Tonight. Taylor Hanson, most well known as one third of the band Hanson, has announced today that he is undergoing treatment for a rare form of bone cancer known as Ewing’s Sarcoma. Taylor will receive treatment in his hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma while the band takes a short break from recording their third studio album. The band want to assure their fans that, pending Taylor’s release from treatment, they will continue recording and touring as always, and they look forward to releasing new music as soon as next year. If fans would like to send him any gifts, Taylor has asked that they instead make donations to St. Jude’s Childrens Hospital or another charity of their choice. All of us here at Entertainment Tonight wish him the best and a full, speedy recovery.”
You say you want to kill yourself
It might make it just a little bit easier
You think you’re the only one who hurts
Try looking just a little bit harder
I don’t know why you’re holding on
To the damage that’s been done‘Cause you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to change your conclusion
But you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying ’cause you’re busy wasting life