A Wishing Tree, I Asked For You
“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”
― William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell
He wasn’t supposed to happen to me.
That’s what I kept telling myself, and for a while I think I even believed it.
I didn’t even want to know him, but it seemed impossible to avoid. Everywhere I turned, it seemed he was there — sitting across the room, staring at me with those impossibly bright blue eyes so intense and focused.
Although I knew who he was, I managed to avoid a formal introduction for months. I knew we had too many friends in common, though, and it would happen eventually. But as long as I didn’t know him, didn’t really, truly know him, I could ignore the obvious infatuation he was developing. I could joke about it with my friends and poke fun at the little Hanson boy with a crush on me.
That is, until I met him.
When my boyfriend Jacob wasn’t busy with his senior year of high school and preparing for college, I would drag him to the parties, concerts and things that my friends insisted I go to. I knew every time that Taylor would be there. I also knew that Jacob would be bored out of his mind, but he always agreed to go with me. I began to realize he took some perverse pleasure in strutting about with me on his arm, smirking when we passed Taylor and saw the longing in his eyes.
I can pinpoint the exact day when it changed. I was free of Jacob for once. He was away at college for an orientation thing. This was my first weekend without him in practically the entire year we had been together and it felt very odd, but it was the good sort of odd. The dangerous kind of odd. The kind that makes you forget you’ve got ties to someone else.
The kind that made me stand up, comb my fingers through my hair and walk right up to the counter where Taylor stood looking alone and out of place.
“This band kinda sucks,” I said, not thinking of anything better than just to point out the obvious.
Taylor turned his head slightly, like he didn’t want to look at me full on. “Most of the bands here suck.”
“Not much of a music scene here in Tulsa, huh?” I replied, and I could see his lips start to turn up in a smile.
He grabbed his coffee from the cashier and handed her a few bills. I realized the slight flaw in my plan then. I hadn’t intended to get a drink at all. I began to a feel a little foolish for following him; it was just too obvious, wasn’t it? He didn’t seem to notice, though, just stepped back from the counter to let the people behind us pass. Maybe he did notice, but had the tact not to say.
“Really, I just come to these things because my friends are in some of the bands, you know. If they asked, I’d probably tell them they should just give up music, but they don’t ask, so I don’t. Anyway, they’re my friends, so what can I do?” Taylor said, and I wasn’t even sure if he expected any sort of answer to the ramble. He turned to walk back toward a table and I didn’t question whether or not he wanted me to follow, but simply tagged along behind him.
“That’s why I come here, too. My friend Eric’s band is playing next weekend,” I replied, taking the seat next to him. I scooted the chair back a bit, feeling very self conscious about how close we were.
“You know Eric too?” he asked. Before waiting for a reply, he added, “I guess that’s why you look familiar.”
“Well, I know why you look familiar,” I commented, smiling.
“I guess so,” he replied. “What’s your name?”
“Adelaide.”
With a huge grin on his face, he held out his hand to me. “It’s good to finally meet you, Adelaide.”
Finally. It did feel like the culmination of something, like things had been leading up to that inevitable moment. The way he smiled at me made me suspect that wasn’t the end, though. Something, I didn’t yet know what, was beginning.
“You’ve been hanging out with one of those Hansons, haven’t you? Taylor?”
I glanced up from the milkshake I’d been staring into and nodded. I hated to admit it to Jacob, but it wasn’t the short of think I could expect to keep a secret. Not in a town like Tulsa, where any gossip having to do with Hanson was at the tip of everyone’s tongue. I don’t know what I had been thinking, assuming that Jacob wouldn’t find out. It was stupid.
“Didn’t he have a crush on you?” Jacob asked, his eyes narrowing.
I shrugged. “I guess so. He hasn’t said anything about it. Honestly, Jake, he’s harmless.”
Jacob didn’t really seem to believe me, but he at least saw fit to drop the subject then. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I believed me. I’d made a joke out of Taylor’s crush with my friends, but that was before I’d given him a chance and gotten to know him. I didn’t know him well at that point, but I already knew enough that I didn’t think harmless was a good word for him at all.
“You know, I’d seen you around for months before we finally spoke,” I admitted.
Taylor shrugged. “I’m Taylor Hanson. Everybody in Tulsa has seen me around. That sounds really cocky, doesn’t it?”
“Just a bit, but it’s true. You’re allowed to be cocky when it’s true.”
“So why’d you finally decide to talk to me?” He asked. I could tell the gears in his head were turning. It was always obvious in the way his lips started to turn up in a grin when he asked a question he thought he already knew the answer to.
“Wanted to see what you were all about, I guess,” I replied. Vague enough to still be true.
“And your boyfriend wasn’t there.”
I looked down into my coffee cup. “No, he wasn’t. He doesn’t visit much anymore. College… takes up a lot of time, I guess.”
“He should still visit, though. He’d make time for you if he really wanted to.”
“Maybe he would. I don’t know; I don’t have any clue what college is like,” I replied.
“Take it from me, okay? I’ve got experience with the long distance thing. If you want it to work, you put the effort in.”
“I guess you would know about that stuff, Mr. Rockstar,” I remarked, trying to lighten the mood. I didn’t like the turn things had taken, but since they had, I couldn’t stop myself blurting out the truth. “You know, the truth is, I kinda thought you had a crush on me for a while there before we talked.”
“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.” He grinned, just a hint of a blush on his cheeks giving away the truth. “I didn’t know you then, though. But I’m glad I know you now. So whatever your reason is, I’m glad you gave me a chance.”
blue x skye: why eighty eight?
eightyeight88: the number of keys on a piano, of course
eightyeight88: why blue x skye?
blue x skye: my middle name is skye. it’s kinda weird but i like it.
eightyeight88: it suits you
blue x skye: thanks, i guess
eightyeight88: adelaide skye, hmm?
blue x skye: yes, why?
eightyeight88: it’s kinda long. do you have any nicknames?
blue x skye: some people call me ade
eightyeight88: predictable. what about laide?
blue x skye: laide?
eightyeight88: yeah, as in, lady?
blue x skye: i can honestly say no one calls me that
eightyeight88: no one but me, you mean
blue x skye: i guess so
blue x skye: you know, some people told me you had a crush on me…
eightyeight88: oh really? do you think i do?
blue x skye: i don’t know. i can’t imagine taylor hanson having a crush on anyone like me
eightyeight88: anyone like you? and what does that mean?
blue x skye: well, i’m nobody, and you’re… you
eightyeight88: you’re a lot of things, but i can promise, nobody is not one of them
blue x skye: thanks 🙂 i needed that
eightyeight88: why? what’s wrong?
blue x skye: i really just hate men right now
eightyeight88: i apologize on behalf of my gender. what did we do this time?
blue x skye: it’s jacob. he’s just kinda pushing me away and stuff. i know he’s stressed from college but…
eightyeight88: but?
blue x skye: he told me things have “changed” or whatever and it’s like he thinks i did something wrong
eightyeight88: what changed? you didn’t do anything.
blue x skye: i know i didn’t. i think it’s just being apart or whatever. he doesn’t like it.
eightyeight88: he shouldn’t blame you for that, though. and if he thinks things are going bad, then he might as well just end it.
blue x skye: i know but… it’s not that simple. he doesn’t like you.
eightyeight88: what have i done? it’s not like i’ve ever told you before that i would be so much better for you than he is, but i would be.
blue x skye: you did have a crush on me, didn’t you?
eightyeight88: oh don’t act like it wasn’t obvious.
blue x skye: it was… maybe it is my fault, then. i knew it and i was flattered. that’s why i talked to you.
eightyeight88: it isn’t cheating.
blue x skye: but it makes me a bad girlfriend, doesn’t it?
eightyeight88: that depends on how you feel about me and what you do about whatever feelings you have
blue x skye: therein lies the problem. i don’t know. i’ve built a good thing with jacob, you know?
eightyeight88: it doesn’t sound that good to me.
blue x skye: it used to be. maybe it still could be.
eightyeight88: do you want to take that chance?
blue x skye: it’s that chance or a chance on something totally untested and unproven. with him i’ve at least got a good history.
eightyeight88: i’m a risk, i know it. but i think i’m worth it.
blue x skye: i just don’t know, taylor… it scares me.
eightyeight88: i know. it’s your decision. it always will be.
The phone calls from Jacob seemed to be farther and farther apart as the days and weeks passed. I knew he was busy with college, and as he like to point out, I knew nothing about what college was really like. How could I? After all, I was just a lowly high school senior, and he was a mature college freshman. I didn’t stand any chance of forgetting that any time soon, since all of our conversations seemed to revolve around his classes and his new college friends.
Except when they revolved around my friendship with Taylor.
Despite being miles and miles away – it was hardly two hours, but he made it feel like twenty four – he was incredibly perceptive about the subtle changes in our relationship. I never mentioned Taylor to him, but Jake always found a way to steer the conversation that way. If I ever mentioned going out with friends, he knew Taylor was one of them – even when Taylor honestly wasn’t. Most of my relationship… friendship… with Taylor was entirely online, since he was busy touring the world. It might have be confined to instant messages, but I hated to admit, it felt more real than what I had with Jacob.
And what I had with him was just increasingly frustrating. I sighed into the phone, wishing I could just ignore his question altogether.
“Well, have you started on your college applications or not?”
“Yeah,” I finally replied, rolling over on my bed to stare at the ceiling. It was roughly as interesting as this line of conversation.
“And? Where are you applying? The deadline for scholarships at OSU is really soon.”
“I’m probably not applying there,” I admitted.
“I thought we were going to get an apartment together next year, though. It’ll be cheaper together off campus, and… I mean, isn’t that what you wanted?”
“It was, until I visited and saw the college. It just… it isn’t me. It’s so big and so…. blah.”
There was an awkward silence on the other end. “But I’m here. We had a plan.”
“I know,” I replied. “But I can’t just follow you, if it’s to a place that I don’t want to be.”
“But why don’t you want to be where I am? Isn’t that enough for you to be happy?”
I could hear Jacob’s annoyance growing, and I knew that my next words weren’t going to help any. I couldn’t lie to him, though – at least, not any more than I was just by omitting Taylor’s growing presence in my life from most of our conversations. I couldn’t exactly hide my plans for college from him, though.
“No,” I replied. “I’m really afraid it’s not going to be enough.”
blue x skye: i really hate jacob right now
eightyeight88: what did he do?
blue x skye: he keeps talking about where i’m going to college
eightyeight88: and where are you going?
blue x skye: i don’t know yet, but it’s not going to be osu, even if he is there
eightyeight88: wow, you really do hate him, don’t you?
blue x skye: i’m not not going there because he’s there. but i don’t have to go there just because he is. … did that even make sense?
eightyeight88: not to anyone but me
blue x skye: i just want to make my own choices, and i don’t see why they have to be based around him
eightyeight88: they don’t. but isn’t he the sure thing, like you said? i’m the wild card
blue x skye: yeah, you are. i mean, at least i could follow jacob if i were that kind of girl. how the hell could i follow someone who lives out of a suitcase?
eightyeight88: like i said, i’m the wild card
blue x skye: and jacob is the sure thing. isn’t he? good looking, popular, med student… what more could a girl want?
eightyeight88: someone who lets you make your own choices?
eightyeight88: someone who tells you he wants nothing more than to wake up next to you every morning, even if he does wake up in a different hotel room each time
I knew it was stupid before I agreed to it. Jacob was still at college taking his finals and I was home all alone. Everything had been a fight for the past week, it seemed. I could feel the threads starting to fray, whatever was left between us starting to disintegrate and leave nothing behind.
So I was going to see Taylor.
Chelsea encouraged it. She had been there during the nights I spent crying over Jacob and the handful of nights I spent trying to act like it was totally normal to sit across from Taylor Hanson in a restaurant booth. She understood. I knew the rest of my friends didn’t, and that only made it worse. The whole thing had to be so secret and clandestine, even when it was happening in public.
All my friends were there, including Eric and his disapproving stares and Billie just trying to overlook it. And, of course, Taylor. I would never say he was my type but there was something in the way he looked at me that gave me shivers and made the hairs on my arm stand on end. The way he stared was enough to make me blush so much I could barely even look at him. His eyes seemed to go right through me, like I was a book and he was reading every word, even the ones I didn’t know were there.
The entire thing had been elaborately planned between Taylor and I. We arrived separately, him much later than me so that it wouldn’t look like we had planned it at all. Then we sat at opposite ends of the table, not across from each other because that would be too suspicious, sipping our coffees and trying not to talk too much. The way his eyes kept sparkling in my direction, I’m not sure we really needed any words. As I tried to pay attention to the conversations going on around us, all I could think about were Chelsea’s words to me a few days earlier.
So just kiss him. That’s the only way to know.
I supposed there was a certain logic to it. But I couldn’t do that to Jacob. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to kiss Taylor. Wasn’t that the point, though? How would I know until I did it? How would I know until I gave him a chance, whether or not he was really the one I wanted?
So just kiss him.
“Well, I think I’m just going to OSU. I’ll know plenty of people there,” Eric says, though I barely registered his words at all until I heard my name. “What about you, Ade?”
“Oh… I don’t know,” I said with a shrug, trying my best to look noncommittal and unconcerned. I failed.
“You don’t know? Isn’t it kind of a big decision?” Taylor asked and I was amused that he, the one who had never even gone to a public school of any kind, was the one to chastise me.
“Well, I guess I could go to OSU, but I don’t really want to. Just seems too big and… blah. It’s not me. I’d rather go somewhere really different that I’ve never been before.”
“So why don’t you?” he asked.
I hated that line of conversation. I wished he hadn’t started it, but I wasn’t surprised. He liked to find the things that tugged at your emotions and poke and prod until he got a reaction.
I stared intently into my cappuccino when I answered. I couldn’t stand to see his eyes. “Because of Jacob. He’s just making the whole thing more difficult than it would have been anyway.”
An awkward silence descended over the table. I braced myself for Taylor’s response, biting my lip so hard I feared I might draw blood. But no response came, and Chelsea wisely steered the conversation toward her choice of college. I could always count on her. In this, she felt like my co-conspirator.
With a pointed look at me, Taylor tapped his cigarette pack against the table. He stood and excused himself outside to smoke. I followed in his footsteps a moment later, mumbling something about going to the little girl’s room. It was a flimsy excuse.
I wound my way through the crowd, thankful at least that the bathroom was near the front so it almost looked like I wasn’t lying. I didn’t see Taylor through the coffee shop’s window, but when I walked outside I saw that he was making his retreat around the corner of the building. Smart. Secret.
Just kiss him.
“Did they see you follow me?” he asked, pulling the black cigarette from his lips.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “Anyway, they knew where I was going, I’m sure.”
He took a confident step toward me. “Would it be so horrible if they did know? If they saw?”
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to scream that yes, it would be horrible. None of them were particularly friends with Jacob, so I didn’t worry that they would run off to tell him. It was just the principle of the thing. I couldn’t and wouldn’t cheat on him so blatantly.
“It just makes things more complicated,” I finally admitted.
“Maybe I like complicated. Things are more fun that way,” Taylor said.
“Maybe they are.”
He took another step closer to me, the cigarette now laying abandoned in a puddle. I listened to the soft sizzle as it burnt itself out, anything at all to distract myself from how close Taylor was to me. I could smell his cologne. I could smell him and it was so different from Jacob that I –
Kiss him.
And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to, and I just needed to get out of there before I talked myself into it. I stuttered out something about people wondering where we’d gone and I turned around before Taylor could say anything or give me those eyes that would make me reconsider it all and stay out there with him.
I decided right then that I absolutely hated Taylor Hanson’s eyes.
“I am troubled, immeasurably
by your eyes.
I am struck by the feather
of your soft reply.
The sound of glass
speaks quick, disdain
and conceals
what your eyes fight
to explain.”
― Jim Morrison, Wilderness: The Lost Writings, Vol. 1