Whatever Your Crossroads
Live the way you must
But it’s twenty-one or bust
You only get one chance at bat
Even great men crash
But they take the unworn path
Never speaking of the loss
Being with Eric had given me an excuse to stay in Tulsa, but being with Taylor had given me a purpose—not just a purpose for staying in Tulsa, but a purpose in general. He made me feel like I could do and be anything, but all I really wanted to do was stay by his side and be his. I was certain I was setting back the feminist movement by several decades, but I didn’t care. Taylor needed me. Even after he left the hospital, he had nurses that visited once a week, but they weren’t paid to be there all the time. I had nothing else to do but be with him all the time, and he didn’t mind my doting presence. If he did, he kept that to himself.
Less than two months after we’d gotten together, I found myself leaving not just Tulsa, but the country. The trip had been planned for months before I entered Taylor’s life again, but when he discovered that I’d gotten a passport for a summer as an exchange student in Sweden that never materialized, he immediately invited me along.
Even if I had been able to imagine being with Taylor again, I had certainly never imagined being with him in Africa, staring out of a hotel window into a seemingly endless unfamiliar landscape.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Taylor said softly, his voice still surprising me. I hadn’t heard the balcony door opening.
“Yeah,” I replied. “It’s just hard to believe this is technically work for you guys. It’s vacation for me, but for you—barely out of the hospital—it’s work. This is your job.”
Taylor chuckled and put his arm around me. “You know there’s more to it than just seeing beautiful places, though. Sometimes you get lucky and you get to visit someplace great and do something, too. Something great… or just something that matters.”
I nodded. While it was a vacation for me, it was a business trip for him in several different ways. Some of Taylor’s doctors were involved with a charity that had developed new medical technology for third world countries. I didn’t really understand it all, but Taylor had turned into a nerd about all that medical stuff, and had managed to get himself and his brothers invited along on the trip. Their travels had somehow never taken them to Africa, and I’m not sure any of us really knew what to expect from it. The beauty was indescribable, but so was the poverty. All of it, everything we’d seen in a few short days, seemed to be weighing heavily on Taylor.
“I’ve spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, Lady,” he said randomly, but I was sure in Taylor’s mind, there was a perfectly logical explanation for the sudden outburst. “I mean, did you see those kids today? At that school?”
I nodded.
“They don’t have a tenth of the luck or a hundredth of the material wealth I’ve got… but they’re happy. They’re alive, so they’ve got something to sing about. Sometimes… sometimes I forgot what I still had to sing about. Isn’t that awful?”
I didn’t how how to reply to that at all, so I just put my arms around Taylor and held onto him. When he started rambling, it was usually easier to just listen.
“I mean, I had you. I’ll always have you to sing about, whether you realize it or not. I think there’s a piece of you in every song I’ve written since we met, but…” He trailed off and shook his head. “But the reason why I sing. Sometimes I was just so angry at the world, at my own body, that I just didn’t want to be happy. I wanted to just wallow in all that anger. What did that get me? Nothing but more anger. I’m done with that, Lady.”
“I’m glad,” I said softly, and I wasn’t sure he’d even heard me.
A slow smile began to creep across Taylor’s face. He stared out at the plains all around us. “Lady… I don’t know how long I’ve got left, but I’m going to do something with that time.”
I wasn’t sure yet that Taylor had any clue what he was going to do, but I believed him.
Even though I had been to two of my friends’ weddings, I still didn’t like the realization that I was old enough to attend the wedding of one of my peers. When did I get that old? Sometimes I still felt like a teenager, but other times, I felt a million years old. Sitting at Isaac’s wedding, I wasn’t sure which side of myself was winning.
During the ceremony, I sat with Zac’s girlfriend Hannah. I didn’t know her well at all; I was aware that she was best friends with Taylor’s ex of the same name, but I tried not to hold that against her. She was one of those freakishly quiet people. Once the music began, I gave up trying to even talk to her.
The wedding was beautiful, but mercifully short. I could see Taylor starting to wobble and sway as he stood dutifully by the groom. He shot me a look as he walked back down the aisle, and I carefully slipped out to his car to retrieve the cane that he refused to be seen with during the ceremony. I knew he needed it—he needed it more and more every day—but he scoffed at the idea of walking down the aisle at his brother’s wedding with a cane. Taylor was nothing if not stubborn.
At the reception, we were allowed to sit wherever we wanted. Taylor and I found a table all by ourselves and, except for when he gave his speech, Taylor remained at the table with his right leg propped up in one of the extra chairs. I had a few of his pain pills in my tiny little purse, too, but I wasn’t going to hand over one until he asked for it.
“So how many times have people asked if you’re going to be next?” Taylor asked, absent-mindedly rubbing his leg.
“Most of them are just trying to figure out who I’m related to and how I got invited, I think.”
Taylor’s other hand found its way into my hair. “You’ve got the curly blonde hair, so half of them assume you’re a Hanson. The other half have been asking me when I’m going to make you a Hanson.”
“Did you tell them you can’t make me do anything?” I asked.
He chuckled. “That’s exactly what I said. How did you know?”
“Lucky guess,” I replied.
“You know we’re not… I mean I’m not…” Taylor trailed off with a sigh. “You know I love you, Lady. That’s enough, right?”
I nodded. It wasn’t really, but I understood his reasons. From a realistic standpoint, neither of us knew if Taylor would even survive an engagement. Right now, all of his focus was on the new Hanson album, his new charity ideas and the treatments he still had to take once a month. I didn’t want to put anything else on his pile of worries and responsibilities.
“Good,” he replied, leaning in and kissing the top of my head. “We’ve always been different, haven’t we? Normal labels need not apply when it comes to you and me.”
I couldn’t help smiling. When Taylor put it that way, not ever being his wife didn’t sound so bad.
Happy Thanksgiving
Posted by TaylorHanson
First of all, I want to wish a very happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I know I’m a few days late, but that’s okay. The sentiment is the same. I hope you all have tons to be thankful for. Even if you feel like you don’t have a lot of things, you still have something in your life to be thankful for, I promise. You all do. Even those of you who think you have the least.
And that brings me to the second purpose for this blog. We’ve just released the first single from our upcoming album. The song is called Great Divide and all proceeds from it will benefit the HIV unit at in Soweto, South Africa. As many of you know, we had the opportunity to take a trip to South Africa earlier this year and see up close some of the issues that country and others in Africa are dealing with. We wanted to do something to help, and this single is just the first step. Sometimes I forget how blessed I really am, and it makes me want to do so much more with what I’ve been given.
By Christmas, I was unofficially living in the pool house with Taylor. He didn’t need a nurse all the time, and I wasn’t a nurse anyway, but it didn’t feel like I had anywhere else to go. My dad’s new girlfriend was lightyears better than the last, but she brought along with her a large family that I couldn’t find it in myself to get to know and treat as my own. Maybe that was bad of me, but I just had no attachment to them. They weren’t anyone to me.
But Taylor… Taylor was my family now. I didn’t feel as comfortable anywhere else as I did by his side. Even when he was at their studio or their office and I was left alone on their huge property, I still felt at home. Spending Christmas with his family seemed obvious; I didn’t even think twice when Diana asked me if I’d like to join them for the holiday.
It was a huge affair with tons of family coming and going throughout the day. I didn’t know many of the extended family, so I spent the day tucked close to Taylor’s side or talking to Ike’s wife, Nikki, who was just as new to the Hanson family circus as I was. I didn’t know if it was the eggnog—Walker’s special and very potent recipe—or just the whole event, but I felt overwhelmed by it all. I’d bought small gifts for all of Taylor’s siblings, and hadn’t been at all prepared for the books, journals and expensive clothing and jewelry that were heaped onto me by all of them.
By the time Taylor and I finally made it back to the pool house, I was exhausted. I knew Taylor felt just as bad, if not worse. He’d kept his cane in hand all night, leaning heavily on it even as he sucked down the eggnog that was sure to dull his pain some. He let it clatter to the floor as he fell into bed fully clothed, motioning for me to join him. I shed my coat and scarf first, then crawled into bed next to him.
“Merry Christmas, Lady,” he said.
“Merry Christmas, Tay.”
“I really didn’t know they were going to make such a big deal out of you.”
I shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I guess I just didn’t think about… whether they’d met the other girls you dated or not.”
Taylor chewed his lip for a moment. “No, they… they didn’t meet many of them. Hannah, of course. She was around for… a long time. Not as long as you, of course. But even you didn’t spend much time around my family back then. Not for the same reasons, though. Those other girls, I honestly knew weren’t going to last so there was no point bringing them around. You… you were special. Mine. My secret. I didn’t want to share you with anyone else.”
“But you did,” I said.
“I know,” he replied. “And you know that wasn’t what I meant.”
“I know, I know. I’m glad you’re sharing me with them now.”
Taylor only gave a little nod in reply to that. I could tell he was thinking, but I didn’t know what about. He pulled his hand up his chest, twisting the Hanson ring he wore on it around and around nervously. I watched him for a moment, growing confused when he pulled the ring off.
“Here,” he said, holding it out to me. “I know, it was a gift to me, and it’s not… it’s not the kind of ring you probably want me to give you. But like we said before, we’re different. We’re weird. And you know you’re in all of my music. You’re this constant presence in all of it, this constant source of inspiration that has kept me going through the years, so… I think this belongs as much to you as it does to me. You’ll, umm, probably need to get it resized.”
I nodded, my heading feeling like it was spinning as I slipped the ring on. I had a feeling it was more Taylor’s words than the eggnog that made me feel so lightheaded.
Taylor held the hand I’d slipped the ring on and stared into my eyes. “I know I can’t… I mean, I don’t know what will happen when I’m gone. If I’m gone. Who knows, I could live ten, twenty, thirty more years. We could get married someday and have a dozen babies. I don’t know. But if I don’t, and we don’t… I know that whatever you do is up to you and you alone. I just want you to have this ring and remember that we’re a part of each other, forever. Okay?”
“I love you, Tay,” I said, not knowing what else to say.
“I love you too,” he replied. “But you might love someone else someday. And that’s fine.”
I couldn’t really picture that happening, but I nodded anyway.
“I just want you to be happy,” Taylor said. “That’s all.”
“I am. I’m so, so happy, Tay. You don’t even know.”
He just smiled. “Oh, I think I know.”
The Walk
Posted by TaylorHanson
Well, I hope all of you fans in Japan are enjoying the new album!
I know it’s frustrating for the rest of you, and I really want to apologize. We’re working hard to get the release date nailed down so that everyone can hear The Walk. I also want to apologize for the fact that we won’t be doing any major promotions for this album. My health is still far from 100% and it just isn’t feasible for us to attempt to tour like we usually would. We will, at least, be playing one big show for the album release in New York in a few days. What we’ll do after that is yet to be determined, but I hope you’ll all still be ready to come along on the ride with us.
It was a given that I would go to New York with the band for what could very well be their last concert ever. I don’t recall anyone even asking if I would join them; it was just assumed.
As The Walk came closer and closer to being a real thing, I became more invested in watching it take shape. When Taylor was well enough to go the studio or the office, I went with him and watched him work, assisting in whatever ways I could. It was fascinating to watch him at work, to become a part of the process he had assured me I already was a part of.
The trip to the east coast was a whirlwind, and the entire time, I couldn’t help fearing for Taylor’s health. I watched the way he mainlined energy drinks, knocking back his pain pills, steroids and all other sorts pills with them. He used his cane behind the scenes, but stubbornly refused to take it out in public. I sometimes wondered if he just wanted an excuse to lean more heavily on my arm and show me off to the world.
There were radio interviews, album preview parties and all manner of public appearances that I was certain Taylor wasn’t ready for at all. He never complained, though. The only way I could measure his discomfort was the number of pain pills he took and the length of downtime he spent huddled under his electric blanket, trying to both warm and numb his aching bones.
Finally, it was time for the concert. It was billed as an album release show, because I think we were all afraid to call it Hanson’s farewell concert. We all knew that was what it truly was, though. The chemo wasn’t working this time; each new test still showed more cancerous cells, but Taylor couldn’t remain on the medicine indefinitely. It was too hard on his system. If the cancer didn’t kill him, the treatment would. It was just a matter of time to see which would become too much for his body to handle first.
Most days, I didn’t think about that. I just did what I had to do to get through the day. Sometimes, though, something would happen that would remind me that it was all going to end sooner rather than later. Standing backstage, listening to the crowd cheer for the boy they had to know was dying was one of those things. I found myself wishing I hadn’t bothered to wear mascara for the show because I didn’t think I could hide my tears.
A hand landed on the small of my back and made me jump a little. A second later, Taylor asked, “You ready for the show, Lady?”
“Yeah,” I replied, glancing up at him. “Are you?”
“As ready as I’m going to be,” he answered. “Honestly, this is probably going to be the toughest show I’ve ever played, but… I don’t know, I just feel like I have to do it.”
I nodded. I knew exactly what he meant, and it was almost a relief to hear him come so close to admitting that he knew this could be the last time he ever stepped foot on stage. He might joke around and put on a smile, but he knew better than anyone how much his health was failing. The rest of us could see it happening, but Taylor was the only one who could actually feel his body betraying him. Sometimes his cavalier attitude made it easy to forget that.
“Well, I think we’re almost ready to hit the stage. We just finished a few last minute changes to the set list,” he said. “Where are you going to watch the show from? Back here?”
“No, I’m going to sit up in the balcony with Diana.”
As if on cue, she appeared in the doorway, motioning for me to come with her. I stepped up onto my tiptoes and gave Taylor a quick kiss, told him to break a leg, then followed his mom out the door. She looked more like she was marching to her own death than preparing to watch her sons in concert. I couldn’t blame her; it seemed a somber occasion for everyone, even the fans. We were all already in mourning in our own different ways, mourning all the different things we were likely to lose soon—a favorite band, an idol, a son, a brother, a friend… a lover. Our pain was different but all very palpable in the atmosphere of the venue.
When the band finally took the stage, though, the screams and cheers were deafening. I had never witnessed a real Hanson concert, aside from that Riverfest performance years and years ago. Since then, I had seen Taylor sing dozens of times in smaller settings, but never like this. It was almost too much to take in, and it left me feeling higher than any drug ever could.
They played songs from the new album and all their past hits, too. Just like Taylor said time and time again, I did hear bits and pieces of my life in the songs. It made me blush and wonder if anyone else knew where he drew inspiration from. At one point, Nikki reached over and squeezed my arm and I decided that she must know if no one else did; over the last few months, she and I had become close and she had heard it all, all the sordid details of my past with Taylor.
For most of the concert, I didn’t cry. I laughed, danced and sang along, but I didn’t cry. I tried to pay attention to every detail in case this truly was my last chance to see Taylor on stage. He wore a white shirt that seemed to glow in the stage lights and made him look like an angel. He stayed mostly in place, spending more time sitting down at his piano than I knew he usually did, or leaning heavily on his microphone stand. I was amazed at his energy, though. Taylor seemed to pull from some reserve of energy deep within, as though he’d been saving it all up for this concert for months.
It was a loud, raucous concert, all the things considered, with several guests, even a choir, joining them on stage. By the time they had played the last song, I didn’t know how Taylor was still standing at all. I’d stayed in my seat for most of the show, and I still felt like all my energy was gone. I couldn’t even imagine how tired Taylor must be.
The screams didn’t stop even after the band left the stage, and they reached a fever pitch when the three of them walked back out minutes later. I knew they usually played an encore, but I hadn’t been privy to the setlist, so I was just as much on the edge of my seat as the rest of the audience. I couldn’t help but hold my breath as Taylor stepped up to the microphone.
“Hey, everybody,” he said, grinning as they all cheered in response. “I think we all just want to really, really thank you guys for showing up tonight. I know we’ve been kinda quiet the last few months while we recorded this album and while I’ve been undergoing treatment again. I, umm, I just want to let you know how grateful I am—how grateful we all are—that you’re still here, still listening, still supporting this band no matter what we all go through. You’ve been with us through the good and the bad, and I know that for many of you, we’ve been with you through your good and bad, too. It’s an amazing connection that we’ve all got, and no matter what may happen, we’ll always have that. We’ll always have the music.”
I couldn’t be sure, but as Taylor stepped back from the mic, I thought he looked like he was going to cry. He leaned in close to Zac and Isaac and whispered something to them, and seconds later, Zac was counting them off.
Standing cold and scared
On top of Blue Hill
There came one moment
When I lost my will
I prayed for mercy
Please, Lord, take me away
Give me sunshine
When I only see gray
I’d heard them sing this song before, the first time being on the playground of a school in South Africa. It gave me chills then, and it gave me chills now to hear just their three voices surrounded by absolute silence. Realizing that one of those three voices might soon be gone only made it more chilling to hear.
The past had a hold on me
It can’t be denied
And the changes didn’t come easily
Don’t you knowI’ve been lonely
I’ve been cheated
Been misunderstood
I’ve been washed up
Put down
And told I’m no good
But with you I belong
‘Cause you help me be strong
There’s a change in my life
Since you came along
When the song ended and they took a final bow, Taylor glanced up at the balcony and caught my eyes. I cheered and waved like a silly fan, but I couldn’t help it. I knew I would never see another concert like this one, even if Hanson did go on to perform again before Taylor left us. I knew they wouldn’t, though. Somehow I just knew that this was it. This was the last time I would see Taylor on stage, smiling and doing what he loved the most.
It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but I found a strange sense of peace descending upon me. Everything Taylor and I had been through had finally brought us together; even knowing that I might lose him soon, I couldn’t be upset about the journey we had taken because it had ended with a beautiful relationship. It had ended with a love like I never could have imagined. Even when Taylor was gone, that love wouldn’t be. How could I be upset when I had something like that to carry with me through the rest of my life?
Can we pick the pieces up
We’re mending Babylon
Tryin’ to right the wrong
Can we pick the pieces upLive learn life love die dust gone