The World Does What It Does
Nothing’s over ’til it’s over
And if it’s over I don’t want to hear it
Look into my eyes I told her
Holding on to what is gone won’t heal it
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: You.
You ever get the random urge to email someone? Well, I do. I guess.
So here I am, sending you a email at why-the-fuck-am-i-still-awake-o’clock in the morning (okay, it’s not that late but I’ve got important shit to do tomorrow).
I don’t know why… we seem to have faded out of each others lives again and I’ve wanted to change that but I don’t know how. Now here I am, realizing that I most likely won’t have a job after graduation, and I have no clue what my life will be in a few months. It’s terrifying.
Sometimes I’d like to stay in bed forever, but it’s not so fun alone. But sometimes I think I’m better alone anyway. I screw up every good thing I ever have. I can’t leave well enough alone or even realize when it’s there.
There’s really no point to this. I’m sorry. I’ll stop talking about myself. What about you? What is the world of Taylor like now? Let’s get one of those weird, tangential series of messages going again. Those were the bright spot in my summer two years ago. I miss that.
Adelaide
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: You.
I randomly send messages that aren’t just a few lines long. But only occasionally.
You win the prize this time.
I wouldn’t say that we’ve faded out of each other’s lives, more so that other parts of life have become more vivid. To me, that’s a wonderful thing, even if it seems like there’s distance between us. What’s been proven between us is that we can go right back to being like we were before, just out of habit, no matter what.
Trust me. I flirt with you. You be cynical. I be more cynical. I flirt some more. You go… well… if you put it thaaat way… lol.
To be honest though, I do believe that I may be dying this time and I can’t do anything about it. A clinical trial is pretty much my only option now that I relapsed again. It’s in my hip and I’d really like not to have to limp around all day. I’m not black, nor am I Greg House… pimp walks are out.
Feel free to message me. No idea when I’ll respond, but trust me, it’s just because I’m busy… not ever because I don’t care.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Happy birthday
Just wanted to send you another message and see how you were doing. Also, obviously, to say happy birthday. I hope you’re not having to spend it in the hospital.
Also, I’ll be home for Easter break soon, and I was hoping we could get together. I think that would be good for us, if you’re up to it.
I don’t know why I expected Taylor to change overnight. Why should another bout with cancer suddenly change him back into the boy he was before it all? If he truly thought he was dying… why would I even want him to change his mind? It just seemed too late for anything.
Still, I wanted to see him again. If this was my last chance, then I wanted closure. I wanted him to know how I felt before he was gone. He was having none of that, though. We did talk often, but he found excuses not to see me. I could only assume he didn’t want me to see him in the hospital, and I found that silly. Taylor should have known that I wouldn’t care what he looked like.
Or maybe he just really didn’t want to see me. I didn’t know.
I could feel myself on the verge of a deep depression once again, and I hated it. It didn’t help that I hadn’t been able to find a job after college. Even with my teaching qualifications, nothing seemed to come of any of the applications I’d sent out. For the time being, I was forced to just move in with my dad and mooch off him until I figured out where to go with my life. At least he had seemingly cleaned up his act after a bad accident that he hadn’t even felt the need to call and tell me about until weeks later. Miraculously, he was fine, but wrecking his truck while he was actually sober, for once, had been some strange turning point for him.
Living at home wasn’t that bad, but it was an awful reminder of the way I felt so behind everyone else my age. I was single, had no job prospects, no money of my own… I had nothing but free time to kill and pretend I wasn’t supposed to be a responsible adult. What that amounted to was me spending several nights a week at various clubs and hotspots downtown.
That was how I found myself the Blue Dome the night of some sort of open mic thing. It was packed, but I managed to find a small table all to myself. I didn’t feel much like eating; in fact, I felt much more like drinking, but I knew I had to drive myself home. I set myself a limit of just two fruity mixed drinks, figuring that would be safe enough.
Most of the performers were less than stellar, which was a shame. Tulsa had a good music scene—better than a lot of people would probably expect—but evidently none of those particular musicians were at the Blue Dome that night.
It wasn’t long before a familiar face appeared on the stage. I hadn’t seen Eric for years, but even with the beard he’d grown, I recognized him. He had never been the frontman before, preferring to stay in the background with his guitar, but now he was alone with an acoustic guitar and a stool. After a brief and awkward introduction, he began to play and sing.
In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty, I want to be
In the warm hold of your loving mind
To feel you all around me
And to take your hand along the sand
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind
He had a good voice. No, he had a great voice. As he sang, a strange feeling washed over me. I hadn’t been sure I would ever met another boy who made me feel the way Taylor did, but Eric certainly stirred up something inside me. It was no secret that I’d thought he was cute back in the day, but for some reason, I had never done anything about that slight attraction.
When sundown pales the sky
I want to hide a while behind your smile
And everywhere I’d look your eyes I’d find
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing ‘twould make me sing
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind
I hated myself for it, but the song brought tears to my eyes. Like everything else in the world, it reminded me of Taylor. Those thoughts mingled with my newly re-awakened crush on Eric, and gave me something of an epiphany.
Taylor would never be mine. He never had been, fully, and he never would be. Taylor would never belong to anyone but himself.
I wasn’t okay with that, but I thought that perhaps in time I could learn to be.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind
For standin’ in your heart
Is where I want to be and long to be
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind
Eric sang a few more songs, but none of them touched me the way that one had. I was still so much in shock over it that I hardly even noticed when he found his way to my table and sat down without an invitation at all.
“Adelaide? Is that you you?”
“Who else would it be?”
Eric smiled. “You look so different.”
“I guess I am different,” I replied.
I really wasn’t the same person Eric remembered at all, but I didn’t need to get into that with him. He didn’t need to know all the ways I’d changed. When the conversation began to flow easily between us, I wondered if I really had changed at all. Eric and I hadn’t been that close in high school, but we talked now like old friends… or old lovers. As we talked, numerous people wandered over and asked him who his new girlfriend was, leaving us to laugh, blush and correct their misconception.
But would it be that bad? Every time someone used that word, butterflies fluttered up in my stomach. It was hard to deny that I was attracted to Eric, even though I wasn’t really sure that I wanted to be.
When it became too loud inside for us to talk without shouting, Eric asked me to follow him outside for a cigarette, and I obliged. I didn’t remember him being a smoker, but he didn’t remember me being short haired and pierced. Still, despite those changes on the outside, we seemed exactly the same on the inside… or different in ways that still worked together.
Eric was one of those people who talked while he smoked, barely even seeming to pause to take a breath. Our conversation flowed just as it had before, covering a variety of topics as he sucked down cigarette after cigarette. Finally, I noticed that it was getting late, and while I didn’t have any sort of curfew, I didn’t really enjoy driving home so late at night.
“Why don’t you give me your phone number before you go?” He asked.
“Yeah, sure,” I replied, holding out my hand. “Let me just put it in your phone.”
I did so, then handed his phone back. The smile on his face as he tucked it into his pocket made those butterflies take flight in my stomach again. We stood there for a moment, and I wondered if Eric was going to kiss me. It hadn’t been a date, though. But what had this night been?
After a few more awkward seconds, he laughed sheepishly and asked, “Can I have a hug?”
“Of course,” I replied.
He tossed his cigarette down and pulled me into his arms. It felt good there. It felt right. Finally, I was thinking only about the guy I was with and not Taylor.
Over the next few days, Eric and I texted constantly. The conversations ranged from casual to highly flirtatious, and eventually we both admitted that we had thought of that first, unplanned night together as a date. He had never thought I returned his feelings for me back in high school, so he’d never acted on them. I had to admit that, while I wasn’t sure what my feelings were, I had always felt something for him, and I was glad to have the chance to explore that.
There seemed to be no reason for us to delay or beat around the bush, so we quickly made plans to go out again. The Blue Dome was his favorite haunt, so I agreed to meet him there. It didn’t seem like the most romantic date in the world, but I really didn’t care. I just wanted to see him.
It wasn’t an open mic night, so we were able to sit and talk more quietly. The conversation flowed for hours once again, and I couldn’t find it in myself to object when Eric held my hand underneath the table. Neither of us had come right out and said that we were together now, but it seemed obvious to me that we were.
After several hours, we went outside again so that he could smoke. Neither of us had realized, from inside the building, just how much of a storm had been brewing all around us. Oklahoma’s summers were notorious for their thunderstorms. If it wasn’t the tornadoes, it was the rain. After living there my whole life, they didn’t even scare me anymore; in fact, there was something kind of thrilling about standing in a safe spot and watching huge sheets of rain falling.
“You think maybe we should call it a night?” He asked, nodding toward the sky.
“It’s still kind of early…” I replied, scooting a little closer to his side. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him yet, but I knew that I wasn’t ready to go home.
“Do you want to stay here or should we…” Eric trailed off.
At some point, his arm had found its way around my waist. I leaned up just a little bit, hoping I was reading his signals correctly. I was. Our lips met gently at first and I couldn’t have said for certain which of us it was who closed that little distance between them. The kiss was brief and chaste, both of us pulling back quickly and give the other a small smile. Seconds later, we were kissing again, this time with much more passion. I didn’t care that we were right in front of the restaurant and that anyone could have seen. I didn’t care about anything but how good Eric’s lips felt against mine.
From inside my purse, my phone began to ring. I didn’t want the kiss to end, but I recognized my father’s ringtone and knew I had to answer his call.
After a few moments of fumbling to find the phone, I finally answered it. “Hello?”
“Where are you?”
“Blue Dome,” I replied. “I left a note.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve noticed the rain.”
“Yeah, we’re standing outside right now…”
“It’s getting pretty bad,” Dad said. “Our street is flooded. Unless you want to park your car at your aunt’s a few streets over and let me bring the ATV out to get you… I don’t think you’re coming home tonight. You can just stay with Aunt Jean or something.”
“If it’s that bad, I might just stay downtown… I’ll give Chelsea a call and see if she’s home,” I replied.
“Well, give me a call if you decide to try to come home and we’ll figure out how to get you here.”
“Okay.”
True to form, Dad hung up then without even saying goodbye. He’d said what he needed to say, so the conversation was over.
“Do you need to go home?” Eric asked once I’d tucked my phone back into my purse.
I shook my head. “I can’t. The street is flooded. I need to go to my aunt’s house… or maybe call Chelsea, I don’t know…”
“You could come to my apartment. It’s within walking distance, so I didn’t even bother to drive. I mean, if you want to.”
I had a choice then, and I could see it clearly. If I went home with Eric, I would sleep with him. Of that I was certain. I didn’t not want to sleep with him. If we were dating, it was going to happen eventually. Why wait?
“Okay,” I said. “I’m not going to walk in this rain, though. You can give me directions.”
It was, like Eric had said, only a short drive to his apartment. The parking lot wasn’t particularly close to the entrance, so we had to run for it, splashing through puddles and laughing madly as we did so. I felt like a kid again. We were laughing wildly as we walked into the apartment, soaking wet and dripping all over the carpet. His roommates, who I didn’t recognize, looked at us like we were crazy, and Eric’s only explanation for our behavior was that my street was flooded.
Once we were in his bedroom, he began rummaging through drawers for some pajamas I could wear. I ended up in a t-shirt from our high school and a pair of sweatpants that didn’t really want to stay over my hips. Eric was so skinny that I wondered how that could be, but I knew I had lost weight recently. I just hadn’t realized how much weight until right then.
We climbed into bed together and pulled his quilt up high around us, even though it was so humid from the rain that even inside the apartment it was stifling. I guess we needed the cover, though, because it wasn’t long before we were kissing, touching and shedding the pajamas we’d just put on.
I felt exposed, more exposed than I’d ever felt before during sex, except perhaps that first time with Taylor. Mostly for disinterest and lack of trying, I hadn’t had sex since that last night with Taylor, well over a year before. It was like riding a bicycle, though; I remembered how, even if it felt strange, wrong and a little scary at first.
When it was over, Eric went out to smoke a cigarette on the small landing by their apartment door, and I remained in bed with the covers pulled up to my shoulders. Staring at the mess of books and guitars that made up his bedroom, I decided that if there was any boy in the world besides Taylor Hanson who I could fall in love with, it was Eric Polley.
Gone astray we find ourselves
Right on the edge of falling apart
Don’t you see it’s in our ways
When something’s done wrong, we just go along
It lights a fire inside of me
Just show me when this living stopsI am father and son
I am all that I fear
I can choose to give up
We could tear the world apart
Tear the world apart
We could tear the world apart