Searching For An Answer On A Satellite
I stand here rediscovering
bridges I thought had burned,
each stone a memory not forgotten.
We’ll call the ashes “mistakes”
and “lessons learned.”We built this bridge together,
but surely your side stands
steadier than mine.
Weren’t you the confident one?
Have my steps become
steadier than yours?I cannot see from here
if you stand still at the edge
or take your steps away from me.
-Bethany H.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: poke?
Hey you. We haven’t talked for a while now. Getting ready for the tour?
I am intensely stoned right now and writing poetry. I’ve been consumed by poems constantly writing themselves in my head for the past few days.
Anyways… tell me about your life right now.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: poke?
Touring, promotions, the usual.
Also, i’m seriously considering getting a tattoo soon.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: poke?
Sounds like fun.
what’s the tattoo design? i’ve been kicking around a few ideas, my favorite one incorporating the “doors of perception” idea from william blake. i’m such a nerd.
i totally forgot i sent you the original email and was really surprised to see something from you in my inbox.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: poke?
Something about duality, how there’s good and bad in everything…
i’m a fan of wings to depict the divine (be it divinely good or evil), and an apple to depict mankind
we’ll see
Sometimes I had really mixed feelings about rooming with a Hanson fan. I knew Callie meant well, but she couldn’t resist spending all of her free time surfing Hanson websites and celebrity gossip sites for all the latest news and rumors. Even though she was a fan, she was the only one of my friends I trusted with Taylor’s true identity. It didn’t make sense, really, but I just knew I could trust her. When Taylor wasn’t even replying to my emails, or only sending a few short sentences, Callie was my lifeline. It was a blessing and a curse.
During class, she had sent me a text that said simply “Taylor news.” I knew what that meant, so a soon as I left the one class we didn’t share, I hurried back to our apartment and burst into her room.
“What’s the news?” I asked.
Callie glanced up from her laptop. “Well, you knew they were going to Mexico, right? They’re there now.”
“Please don’t tell me he’s got some little Mexican girlfriend.”
“No,” she replied, shaking her head. “But there were rumors that they were doing these college appearances, promoting the whole documentary thing. It was all really last minute and didn’t really get announced to the fans. Pics turned up of them at the University of Texas, and… well, there are a couple of Taylor with some girl. It looks like the one he was dating before.”
At that, she turned the laptop toward me so I could see the candid shots she was talking about. I didn’t really need to see them to be sure. Thanks to this brand new website called Facebook, I had already done a little stalking of my own and uncovered the profile of one Samantha Sauer, freshman at the University of Texas and originally from Tulsa. Sure enough, the girl standing a little too close to Taylor in a shot taken without their knowledge in what appeared to be the college library was the very same little mousy blonde. Her stick straight hair was now in loose curls, and she wore an outfit I had to admit was really cute; it was something I would have worn myself. In fact, she looked more like a younger version of myself than I had realized before. It made me feel a little ill to realize it. Taylor had just… replaced me.
I took a deep breath, then looked back at Callie. “Is that all? Just pictures? Nothing else I should know…?”
“It’s all just gossip,” she replied. “I mean, there’s tons of debate over whether she’s really his girlfriend or not. Apparently someone asked and he just brushed them off, but these pictures kind of speak for themselves. Someone even says she saw them kiss. But you never really know how much to believe these kind of girls, you know? The ones who basically stalk them aren’t the most trustworthy… or stable… ones.”
I nodded. “I’m so glad I’ve never had to deal with any of them.”
“Have you ever thought about it? I mean, what it would be like if you guys were together and you did have to deal with fans?”
“Sometimes,” I replied with a sigh. “I think that’s part of why I was so hesitant the first time… it just seemed so scary to get involved with him, and honestly, I wasn’t a Hanson fan at all. But you grow up in Tulsa and you know how nuts their fans are. You know what you’re getting into just by associating with anyone in that family. I guess I was lucky that it all missed me, but… it missed me because I’ve only ever been Taylor’s dirty little secret. So I guess it cuts both ways.”
Callie gave me a sympathetic look, but I could see that she truly didn’t have any reply to that. What could she say? She might have been a Hanson fan, but she didn’t really know what it was like to be in Taylor Hanson’s life. I let out a sigh of relief as she turned her laptop back around to herself, glad that the conversation was finally over.
Once the gossip session was done, we settled in to work on our lesson plan assignments, but another thought was brewing in the back of my mind. It was something I’d been considering for a while–a haircut. I had this tendency to chop my hair off whenever I got out of a relationship; something about giving myself a little makeover made the heartbreak easier to deal with. Even thought Taylor and I had never truly dated, it seemed like a good time to, literally and figuratively, get him out of my hair.
“Hey, Cal,” I said. “What do you say we take a break? Get some Taco Bueno and maybe… make a trip to the salon?”
She tilted her head to the side in thought. “Well, I do need to get my eyebrows waxed, but… what brought this on?”
I shrugged. “Just something I’ve been thinking about. I think it’s time for a change.”
Callie didn’t seem entirely convinced, but she was more than willing to take a break from the lesson plans. It was only a short drive to a salon that I knew gave discounts to college students and rarely had a long wait. If I had time to wait, I would talk myself out of it.
We only sat there for a few minutes before the stylist took us into the back. Her assistant sat Callie down in a chair to do her eyebrows while I explained that I wanted my hair gone. Just… gone. I didn’t even care how short; I needed a big change.
This was no different from any other haircut I’d ever gotten. The stylist went on and on about my beautiful hair and natural curls, and mourned the loss of so much length more than I did. It didn’t matter to me at all. I only grew it long and wild because it was easier than trying to style it. I had no particular attachment to my long hair, and I felt no remorse as it fell to the floor.
“Oh, we should have measured this!” The stylist practically whined. “I’m sure it would have been lon enough to donate, but I hadn’t swept the floor… now it’s all mixed in with other hair…”
She trailed off in a sigh, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. With as much of a smile as I could manage, I replied, “Maybe next time.”
“I’m sure your hair grows fast enough that it won’t be long until then,” she replied, finally snipping off another section. “When it does get long enough, you should definitely think about Locks of Love.”
“Yeah. I will.”
Right then, though, all I was thinking about was Taylor. I knew that not all of those donations went to cancer patients, but that was the immediate thing that Locks of Love brought to mind for anyone. It seemed that there would always be something to remind me of Taylor. I just couldn’t escape him.
And a part of me wasn’t even sure that I wanted to.
Even though I had to accept that whatever we had between us was over and we would never be together, I couldn’t seem to entirely cut him out of my life. I kept finding excuses to email him and try to remain in his life in some way, pathetic as it was. I just couldn’t let him go, not yet.
After what seemed like forever, the haircut was finally done and the stylist spun the chair around so that I could see myself. From behind me, I heard Callie gasp. My hair was short. It came to just above my chin, falling in gentle waves that made me look like a flapper or something. It was so different from anything I’d ever imagined, and I loved it.
I knew it wouldn’t really remove Taylor from my life, but it was a start toward being a different person. I didn’t even look like me anymore, and I decided that was a good thing. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be the same girl who had fallen for Taylor Hanson.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Taylor Fucking Hanson!
I feel like we haven’t talked in ages. Isn’t that always the case with us?
Chelsea asked me how you were doing the other day, and I had no answer for her. (Cue your Chelsea jokes)
But seriously, how are you? Still enjoying the tour? Got any new musical plans? Other general questions about your wellbeing and happiness?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Taylor Fucking Hanson!
I’m seriously considering just running away. I could live on the road, just enjoying all these cities and countries I’ve been whisked through over the past few months. I think I’ll start with Amsterdam… and maybe end there too…
Back in the states
Posted by TaylorHanson
We’ve been officially back in the states for about a month now, and it feels pretty good. Don’t get me wrong – I love traveling, and I’m excited about the trip to Australia in a few days. But it feels good to have a little downtime. I won’t lie to you guys. My body can’t handle as much as it used to be able to, even though more and more of my strength seems to be returning every day. But I need breaks, and this has been a good, productive one. Your members kits are in the mail, and I know several of you have already gotten them. I hope a lot of you are able to come out and see us at Mayfest, because we have a little surprise planned for all the fan club members.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: (no subject)
Just thought I would check in, since I’m home for the summer now. Only one more year of college left for me… can you believe it?
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: hey…
Just realized you guys were still on tour when I sent my last email, so I’m sure you were so busy that it just slipped right by you. Are you getting some rest now?
Tulsa
Posted by TaylorHanson
Living in Tulsa is really great sometimes. It has such a small town feel, but there are some really great festivals and opportunities around town. From Mayfest, which we’ve played several times (most recently this year) to DFest, which Zac and I attended a few days ago. We decided to stay low key and just watch a few bands from the audience, and it was great. Some great local and national talent on the stage. Makes me yearn to be back on stage, but at the same time, I appreciate the few months break we’re about to take. Give these old bones a rest for a while.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: DFest
Heard you were at Dfest too. Wish I could have seen you. I’ll be around Tulsa for a little while longer if you wanna get together some time before I’m officially a college senior…
Thanks
Posted by TaylorHanson
First of all, I want to say a huge thanks to everyone who came out to Cain’s last night for the Katrina benefit. All your donations will be greatly appreciated, I’m sure, and we’re so humbled to have such generous fans.
Second of all, I also want to thank you guys for your concern about me. I know there are rumors going around that I’m sick again, and that’s they are – rumors. I have seen my doctors for some routine tests to make sure I’m ready for the fall tour, and they assure me that I am. I dunno about you guys, but I am more than ready to rock and roll!
“So,” Callie said, in between bites of her food court quesadilla. “You know, a certain someone is in Stillwater today.”
“Oh? Who?” I asked, even though I knew exactly who she was referring to.
“It’s only noon. We could make it there and sneak in. I mean, we are college students… just not OSU students…”
I shook my head. “No. No way.”
“Don’t you want to get some sort of closure from him? I mean, the way you guys left things… I would want answers.”
“No,” I replied. “Can we just drop it?”
With a shrug, Callie went back to her food. I could tell that she didn’t believe me, though, and she was right not to. I did want closure. I wanted a lot that I knew I couldn’t ever get from Taylor. Despite my claims that I wanted him out of my life, I couldn’t stop trying to contact him, like some lovesick ex-girlfriend who refused to accept that the relationship had ended. I hated that he made me act that way, especially because he never answered.
He was obviously over me. What more closure could there possibly be?
Home sweet home
Posted by TaylorHanson
That’s right, folks. We’re home for the holidays, and it feels really good to be able to rest. Some days, especially after back to back concerts, I feel far older than twenty two. I know that’s all the chemo talking. That stuff takes a toll, and there are side effects I’ll probably feel my whole life. But none of those will ever stop me from playing music, I can promise you guys that.
In fact, we’re already working on our next album. We’ve written several songs over the last few months, and we’re getting ready to go in the studio and lay down some demos of the most promising tracks. If all goes as planned (does it ever?), we’ll be releasing it at some point in 2006.
I’m blind with eyes wide open
My body’s tired and broken
I want a taste of something, that doesn’t leave me dry
This hope for answered questions
As rare as true conviction
I stare into the distance, there is no truth in sight
Who can tell me whyEverybody’s looking for a blue sky
Searching for an answer on a satellite
I know that there’s got to be a blue sky out there to see
A blue sky waiting for me