The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes
“I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: merry xmas
How are you enjoying that new macbook? Have I mentioned I’m totally jealous?
Anyway, I guess I should come back and get those wine coolers at some point… assuming that you haven’t given them away or gotten desperate enough to drink them yourself.
So, you got any plans for the next week or so? I’ll probably be back in Tulsa before New Years. We should get together again, I think. Let me know what you think.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: merry xmas
Sure, if you want to. I want to have a little shindig on new years, but I doubt I’ll have the energy or the time to plan it. Or the motivation.
But who knows. Either way, if you call or just show up, you won’t be turned away.
I like my macbook a lot. I’ve always preferred macs, but we usually had them just for business stuff, not for pleasure. This one is alllll mine.
Although we had made no specific plans, Taylor had talked a lot about having a party on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t know that many of his friends; we had a few mutual friends years ago but since leaving for college, I’d lost touch with most of those. What would it be like to meet his friends? I didn’t know. It made me nervous, but I was excited, too. I got up early, earlier than I normally did during Christmas break and took special care about fixing my hair and picking out an outfit.
I didn’t know why it mattered, since we didn’t even have any definite plans. But I couldn’t imagine going to see Taylor without trying to look my best. I knew I didn’t look like I did in high school anymore. I’d gained and lost the same fifteen pounds every year of college, and even though there should have been no lasting effects, I knew I didn’t look the same since that hospital visit I’d neglected to tell Taylor about. I simply wasn’t the same Lady he’d fallen in love years ago, so I had to take the extra time to look as good as I could now.
Even though he swore he wasn’t, I was reasonably certain that Dad was still seeing Misty. I didn’t feel like dealing with that, so once I’d gotten myself prettied up, I scribbled a quick note that I was going to Taylor’s house and left. In reality, I ended up just driving around the streets of Tulsa trying to will my heart to beat a little more slowly. When I gradually started making my way to the outskirts of town, in the general direction of the little town he lived in, I decided to give Taylor a call.
“Hello?” A voice mumbled into the phone.
“Hey,” I replied in a far more cheerful tone than I knew I was even capable of. “You still planning on having a party tonight?”
“I… what? Oh, this is Zac. Taylor’s in the shower.”
Even though he couldn’t see me, I felt my face turning bright red with embarrassment. “Sorry, umm… can you just tell him to call me back when he’s done?”
He promised that he would, and we quickly said goodbye. Not knowing how long it would take Taylor to call me back, I turned down a side street and took my time driving around a neighborhood that I didn’t really even know at all. I vaguely recalled that I was near the area where Taylor had grown up, but I wouldn’t have known his childhood house if I had been right in front of it. I knew very little about his life before we met; so much of what I knew about Taylor at all was based on his reputation. I didn’t think there would ever be a time when we weren’t trying to catch up and get to know each other all over again.
Finally, when I had thought myself almost to the point of tears, my cell phone rang again. I took just a second to compose myself, then answered.
“Hello?”
“Heard you were flirting with my brother earlier,” Taylor said.
“I wasn’t! He just… do you know he sounds just like you on the phone?”
Taylor chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I was just kidding, Lady. He told me you called.”
“Well, I was just… I just wanted to see if you were still going to have a party tonight.”
“It was never really definite… I just can’t tonight. I only woke up right before I got in the shower,” he replied. “You can come over, though. But I don’t know if I have the energy to put on anything fancier than these sweatpants, so…”
Even though I was afraid of an honest answer, I asked, “Do you want me to come over?”
“Yeah, Lady. Come on.”
That was all it took to convince me. It was fairly late in the afternoon by that point, so we decided just to stay in and watch movies at his house. There would be no party, just the two of us and maybe some of his siblings. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, either, especially after having made such an idiot of myself on the phone with Zac. But as long as I got to see Taylor, I decided that I could handle anything else.
When I pulled into Taylor’s driveway, I could see him already standing out in the grass between the main house and the pool house. I steered my car toward him, coming to a stop just a few yards from where he stood. Even with his winter coat on, he looked frail, and he was, as he had warned me, only wearing old sweatpants.
“Where are you going?” I asked after I stepped out of my car.
He shrugged. “Just over to the main house. I figured everyone would want to order pizzas, since Mom’s not around to cook. She’s helping out with some church lock-in that the little ones are going to.”
“So how many people actually make up the ‘everyone’ that’s left?” I asked, mentally trying to tally the guest list for our little party.
“You, me, Dad and Zac. Ike’s out with his latest girlfriend, whose name I honestly can’t remember because she looks exactly like the last three.”
I chuckled. “Do you even try to learn their names?”
“Not at all,” Taylor replied. “Come on, Lady.”
We made our way into the main house, and it felt like deja vu to me. It had been years since I’d been in their house, but nothing about it had changed. There might have been a few less childrens’ toys scattered around now that the kids were getting older, but other than that, I really couldn’t tell a difference. Zac and their father, who I’d only met in passing before, were already planted on the couch with the Fellowship of the Ring playing on the television in front of them.
“Well, where did you find this pretty little thing?” Walker—I recalled being instructed never to call him Mr. Hanson the first time we met—asked.
Taylor turned around to look at me and let out a fake gasp. “Who let you in?”
I felt myself blushing, and I gave him a gentle nudge, immediately hating myself for it. He was still so thin, despite the color returning to his face and the hair that had grown back. What if even that gentle shove left a bruise? Taylor didn’t seem to even notice, though. He re-introduced me with a rather embarrassing reminder of the fact that I’d taken Zac to my senior prom, then promptly flopped down on the couch without even offering me a seat.
I couldn’t help feeling a little offended at that, but I knew we weren’t dating. It was awkward enough to be around his dad and brother, so I tried not to be surprised or hurt that Taylor was playing it particularly casual. Soon enough, we were all occupied by trying to figure out our pizza order and Walker’s casual banter, as though he’d known me for years, diffused some of the awkwardness.
By the time the second movie had started, we were halfway through the numerous boxes of pizza we’d ordered. Walker had offered us all drinks, even Zac, and I’d reluctantly accepted a few wine coolers. Taylor had chugged several beers, but he didn’t seem all that drunk. He was, however, gradually growing closer to me, his long legs slung casually across my lap. I rested my head on his shoulder, and we remained that way for the rest of the movie.
As we grew closer and closer together, our bodies fitting together easily, I started to feel more comfortable. It was still strange to be there with Walker and Zac, but maybe things between Taylor and I weren’t so bad after all.
The clock ticked over to midnight at some point during the third movie, and none of us even noticed. After the movie ended, I glanced at the clock on the DVD player, and was surprised to see that it was already officially 2005. Another year had passed me by without a kiss at midnight. I guess Taylor was right; I was a romantic. For some reason, I had always wanted that New Year’s Eve kiss, and I’d never gotten it. I’d had hopes of that changing this year, but it hadn’t.
Taylor looked like he was close to falling asleep beside me, his legs still stretched across mine. I gave him a little nudge and said, “Movie’s over.”
“You going home or heading back to my place?” He asked, and it hurt to realize that he even thought there was a chance of me leaving.
“Your place,” I replied just as softly, wondering if Taylor could hear all the mixed emotions I was feeling.
He didn’t seem to notice, but we fell back into complete casualness, not even standing close enough to touch, as we said goodnight to Zac and Walker and made our way out to the pool house. Taylor stayed several steps ahead of me, thanks to his long legs, and I didn’t bother trying to practically jog to catch up with him.
Taylor slowed down a little once we were actually inside the pool house. I followed him into the bedroom and took a seat on the bed as he fumbled around in his dresser drawers. A moment later, he turned around and handed me a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.
“They’re probably too big, but I figure you don’t want to sleep in your clothes…” He trailed off with a shrug, then turned and began to walk toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
Taylor spun back around to face me, his face strangely devoid of emotion. “I’m going to sleep on the couch. You can have my bed.”
I felt my heart drop the floor. I knew we hadn’t been that cozy or flirty all night, but I hadn’t expected him to refuse to even sleep next to me. For a moment, I just stared up at him, not knowing what to say. When I managed to gain a little bit of my composure, I forced my lips into a flirty pout and widened my eyes.
“Please, Tay… we don’t have to do anything. Just stay in here.”
He shook his head. “That’s the problem. I don’t trust myself around you, Lady. You know we won’t be able to resist temptation.”
“Why should we?” I asked, willing my voice not to turn into the pitiful whine that I could hear and feel bubbling up in my throat.
Taylor glanced back into the living room toward the couch, then back at me. With a tiny sigh, he took a few steps back into the bedroom. “Alright, lady. You win this time.”
He flipped the light off before making his way over to the bed. With the light off, I couldn’t see the strange way he looked at me, and I decided I liked that better. He’d asked me before why I never looked him in the eyes, and it was because I never understood what I saw looking back at me. Whatever it was, that emotion I was afraid to put a name to, it was too intense. But in the dark I didn’t have to see it.
In the dark, we made small talk like old friends, and I tried to ignore the fact that our bodies were entwined together casually, like they just belonged that way.
“So,” Taylor said. “When do you go back to college?”
“In a week and a half,” I replied. I wanted to ask if I would see him again before I left, but I was afraid of the answer.
“That’s about the time we’ll be flying off to Europe.”
“Oh.” What else could I say to that?
Taylor ran his hand absently through my hair, almost like his hand was just going through the motion on its own, totally independent of his brain. Maybe he was right. Maybe we couldn’t resist temptation. “I don’t know when we’ll be back to Tulsa…”
I nodded, still unsure what I could really contribute to this conversation.
“You and me, Lady…” He said, chuckling softly. I wasn’t sure where his train of thought had veered off to, but it was obvious that only part of it had been spoken aloud. He trailed a finger along the side of my face, down my neck… the neckline of his own shirt that I’d changed into while he didn’t even bother to avert his eyes… “We’re something else, aren’t we?”
“What do you mean?”
“I think, no matter what else is going on, we’re gonna always come back to each other like this.”
I had hoped, over and over, that he was right. To hear Taylor admit it… none of my literature classes had given me the vocabulary to capture that feeling, the way my heart soared at just a few simple words from him.
“I mean, even if we were seeing other people… do you think we could really resist each other now?”
And just like that, my heart dropped. He was only talking about sex, not love.
“Probably not,” I admitted, staring intently at his shoulder. If I couldn’t meet his eyes before, I had no desire to now.
“Why should we fight it, then?” He asked. “I think we could make this work for us.”
I could only stare questioningly at him as I fought the urge to cry.
“Friends with benefits,” he stated proudly, as though he were a genius for thinking of it. “I know I won’t be around all the time, but I can promise that whenever I am and you call, I’ll be there. It’ll work the other way, too.”
“I do have classes to attend, you know,” I replied as casually as I could, but I couldn’t even fake flirtatiousness then.
“I know,” Taylor replied. “But when we can, we’ll get together. If we start seeing other people… well, we’ll worry about that if it happens. But I don’t know if that would stop me from still calling you. What do you say?”
I hated myself for even considering it. For a moment, I could envision it perfectly. I could see Taylor’s version of our relationship. We would never be anything more than an affair. It was the sort of relationship that sounded romantic in theory—two star-crossed lovers meeting secretly throughout the years. Maybe they would remain single but come together when their schedules permitted. Maybe they would marry others but still be unable to resist each other.
But these weren’t two characters in a story I was writing. This was my life.
And I couldn’t do it.
There might have been something romantic about this vision of us as nothing but bad timing, just meeting up whenever we could. But what was the point? We could be together now. There was nothing standing in our way. Yet Taylor was still choosing to keep me at arm’s length.
“I don’t think I like that idea,” I finally replied, my voice a pitiful whisper filled with tears.
Taylor nodded as thought he understood perfectly the battle I was fighting inside myself, but I knew he didn’t. His hand continued its descent down my side, his fingers tapping out the melody to some song as they slipped under my shirt.
I wanted to stop him. But I didn’t.
Taylor was uncharacteristically talkative as he moved on top of me. He murmured sweet words, how beautiful I was, how good it felt to be with me, but they all felt like poison darts straight to my heart. Whether he meant them or not, it didn’t matter. We weren’t together and we weren’t going to be. I could see that clearly now. He had to know how much he meant to me. It was almost like he was taunting me with what I wanted but still holding it at arm’s length from me.
He’d barely even rolled the condom off before I started crying.
“Lady? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He reached for my arm and I shrugged away from him, rolling over onto my back so he wouldn’t see me cry more than he already had.
“No,” I replied, then sighed. “Yeah. But not… not… I mean, the sex was fine.”
“The sex was better than fine,” Taylor said, running his hand up and down my arm. “You’re still the best I’ve ever had.”
“You said that months ago.”
“I’ve been with a few more girls since then.”
I tried to fight back a sob. “I’m still the best, but I’m not the holy grail. And I’m not enough for you to just be with me.”
“What do you want from me?” Taylor asked softly, the words a genuine question, not an accusation.
Genuine as it might have been, I couldn’t answer it. How could he not know?
“Lady,” he said. “You know I love you. But I’m not in love with you.”
“Yeah. I know.”
Only seconds later, I felt Taylor’s soft snores against my shoulder, and I knew there would be no more conversation. I couldn’t tell him I loved him. I mouthed the words into the darkness around me, but I could not say them out loud for fear that they would wake Taylor. If he didn’t love me the way that I was realizing I loved him, then I could not say it.
When I woke up the next afternoon, it felt like I was in a different world. Even though I was still beside Taylor, I knew this was it. This was the last time I would see him like this and last night was the last time we would ever sleep together. We would never be truly together; he had made that perfectly clear.
I didn’t try to kiss him goodbye, and he didn’t offer me a kiss. It was probably better that way. I could still feel his every touch like they were all branded into my skin anyway. With the memory of his touch and his kiss still on my skin, I drove away and knew without a doubt that it would be the last time.
I hadn’t even made it to the end of his driveway before I began to cry, and my tears didn’t stop for the rest of the day.
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for meGoodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do