Served My Time In Pain
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I wanted to make plans with Taylor as soon as I got home from college, but his life decided to interfere with that. Even though he was still hiding under his hat and barely able to pry himself out of bed in the morning, he had interviews, appearances, performances and no time for me. I supposed that was something I would have to get used to and something I had no right to complain about while we still weren’t technically together.
When we finally did see each other again, we had dinner early on a Sunday afternoon at Caz’s and then spent the rest of the evening at his house, watching our way through his entire DVD collection. It took us a long time to lose all of our clothing that night, but it was inevitable that it would happen again. It was every bit as amazing as the first time, and when Taylor leaned over me, I thought could see a few wispy chest hairs returning.
Afterward, we didn’t cuddle. I pulled my underwear back on and curled up under the covers while Taylor rushed off to the bathroom. He wouldn’t talk about it, but I knew there were pills upon pills that he had to take, the most important at the moment being the sleeping pill. We still had a few hours to wait for it to take effect, and I wanted to spend every one of those under the covers with him, making up for all the years I’d spent pretending I didn’t love him.
“Hey lady,” he said, leaning against the doorframe for a moment and staring at me. It didn’t matter that I was covered up from the neck down; he still seemed to be drinking in every inch of my body.
He crawled into bed next to me and grumbled about how I hogged the covers. It didn’t take us long to get comfortable, though, and soon he was rambling about their plans for a summer and fall tour. I didn’t know how Taylor’s body was going to handle it, but when he talked about it, it was the only time he really seemed alive.
The only thing that really worried me, selfishly, was that there was no room in his plan for me.
“Lady,” he said, pulling me back from my thoughts. “Why don’t you ever look me in the eyes when we talk?”
“I don’t?” I asked, trying to be coy, even though I knew he was right. I never made eye contact with anyone.
“You don’t,” he said. “And you have beautiful eyes, but you’re always hiding them behind your hair. Don’t get me wrong, I like that little coy thing, but I’d like to see your eyes once in a while, too.”
“Eye contact makes me nervous, I guess,” I replied.
It was as close to the truth as I felt like getting. It wasn’t untrue, either. Eye contact with anyone made me nervous. It felt too intimate, like I was showing parts of me I didn’t want anyone to see when they looked in my eyes. I could bare my body to boys whose last names I didn’t even know, but I couldn’t look someone I’d known since I was seventeen in the eyes.
It was Taylor, though. He was the worst. If he looked in my eyes, he would know I loved him. If I looked in his eyes, I didn’t know what I would see. Once upon a time, it was love. What if it wasn’t anymore? I was scared to know, and I was scared to let him know.
With a shrug and a coy smile, I closed my eyes and kissed him. For a moment, at least, I could distract us both from any conversation that really mattered. I could only hope he didn’t feel the tears welling up in my eyes at the realization that I was so close and still so far from him.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: fireworks
So I’m pretty mad at myself for making plans tonight, because it means I won’t get to watch the fireworks.
I mean, fireworks are nothing really special, but neither is the person I’m going to the movies with. Ha ha.
Anyway, when are you and me gonna get together and make some fireworks of own? You know me, I can never resist making a bad joke.
Happy British-People-Suck Day!
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: fireworks
well, I leave for the tour tomorrow, and I’ve actually decided to start looking for a serious relationship now. I might come home with one, or the beginnings of one.
I don’t know lol. It all depends, I guess.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: hey you
hey love, i haven’t talked to you in a while… so i figured i’d send you a message to see how you are, how tour is going, etc…
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: hey you
Well… I met a bunch of people. Drank two weekends in a row. Got turned down because one girl “could handle a friend relapsing, but not a boyfriend relapsing” but ended up going out on a date this weekend with a lady from Texas. Wrote some new lyrics… etc. I broke a couple of hearts and made some ladies cry… but lucky me I already feared that would be inevitable.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: hey you
sorry about the broken hearts and what not. and i’m not just saying this, but i don’t get the whole “i don’t wanna be with you because you’re sick” thing. don’t think i’m trying to suck up (okay, maybe i am) but i just think if you really cared about someone, leaving them alone when they’re sick would be the last thing on your mind.
anyway, enough of me being all sappy and what not.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: hey you
ha, well… it was the first time I’ve gotten that response. It surprised me.
No sucking up. It’s not fair now.
I believe that I’m actually going to start seriously talking to this aforementioned lady from Texas.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
i think i could have gone without knowing that.
guess there’s no need to ask when i’ll be seeing you again.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
‘Whenever you want to’ so long as it doesn’t lead to any romantic involvement. To put it bluntly.
I’m making myself vulnerable to the world again, and in some way, that makes the world vulnerable too. Sorry if it stings a little. It’ll hurt me a hell of a lot more if and when this Tulsa-Dallas long distance thingamajig falls through.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
Well to put in it bluntly, I don’t think I want to see you again. That’s not exactly true, but I’m not going to let myself see you again. Not under these conditions.
Stings a little? You have no idea. Don’t talk about this hurting you. I don’t wanna hear it.
I guess I should have seen this coming, and I knew it would hurt like hell… but I’m actually fairly surprised right now.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
Well. Since we’re both being blunt and honest…
I do/did/will like you a lot. For reasons unique to you. Not for what we did. For what we talked about, for the taste you have in music, art, and theater, for how we relate to each other about very dorky things that we really don’t give a shit about how dorky they are.
So, yeah… fuck me, is what I say. To me.
It’s probably a huge mistake to decide that I even should start to be exclusive with anyone… but I’m not perfect. I’d rather you know that it’s because I’m being serious about something, rather than me just going on flirting with everything that moves.
Shitty timing on my part. A few months ago, all I knew was that I needed to distance myself from every possible relationship and just have fun. So, again, fuck me, for not thinking this far ahead.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
Really, hearing about why you like me isn’t going to help. I don’t see the point in telling me that at all, when it’s obvious what you like about me isn’t enough.
I’m beginning to think shitty timing is all we’re ever going to be. And I don’t think I’ll ever regret anything as much as I regret how long it’s taken me to realize just how much I like you. Except maybe how close I let myself get to you this spring, thinking it might actually lead somewhere.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
You know why I fear myself, now. I just hope you don’t start sharing in my ability to hate me for that fear, too.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
I don’t hate you. You might notice that I’ve been relatively nice to you about all this, because I just can’t see the point in hurting you in retaliation for you hurting me. And there’s probably not much I could honestly say to hurt you anyway.
But I don’t like you. You’re not the same Taylor I used to know and I don’t like this guy. Maybe some of that change couldn’t be helped, but I want the old Taylor back.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
To that, I say, past the hurt and how information is filtered because of it… I am the same guy, just put into more adult situations, with just as little experience and awareness of his own value.
I don’t like me, I wouldn’t take me serious, I wouldn’t want me for any reason more than pity, so why should anyone else?
If I am different. It’s because the old Taylor died. Cancer took him, because he was too weak to survive it.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
He may have been weak, but he had his good qualities too. I’d like to believe those aren’t entirely gone, but I haven’t seen proof of it yet. I’d be inclined to blame this negative change in you on something other than the cancer, though. But that may be my own bitterness and regret talking.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
Abandonment would be my next guess, as far as the blame goes.
Either way, it’s the scars that only I could try to heal, not my friends or family, that did it.
I shouldn’t have let the line between us get nearly as blurry. I shouldn’t have done anything with you at all. You do know why I’m afraid of myself, now; why I’m afraid of knowing a human heart so well that I can hurt it without intention.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
You’re right. You shouldn’t have. And I shouldn’t have let myself be so easily persuaded. I know it wasn’t your intention to use me… but you can see how that’s exactly how I feel now, can’t you?
My biggest fear came true, I guess. I was afraid that once we got close, you’d realize I wasn’t all you thought I was. That I’d go from being the holy grail to just another broken heart.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: hey you
Bittersweet note:
Excluding that stint years ago… You weren’t the grail. But you’re not just another broken heart.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: one last thing
I’m sorry to keep messaging you. I just need to ask one thing. Maybe you won’t have an answer and maybe I won’t like whatever answer you do have, but I’ve gotta ask and then I’ll be done.
You say you fear finality… but is this it? Can I still hold out hope for a day when our timing will be better, or should I just let it go?
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: one last thing
There are too many variables to say what anyone should hope for in the future.
I will not burn the bridge between us from my end. If you do, you do it for your own reasons. The only thing I can say about my practices of non-bridge burning, are that I cannot even bring myself to burn the bridges that an enemy could cross to harm me i.e. Hannah.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: one last thing
It takes a lot for me to burn my bridges. Once I do, however, there’s rarely any rebuilding possible. Then again, I’ve taken back three exes in the past, had dates with two of them, and well… then there’s us. Maybe actions speak louder than words in this case.
So no, I’m not burning the bridge yet. And I won’t, unless you tell me I ought to. I don’t like to think that I’ll just be waiting here for you to come running back to me… so try to think of it in some way that makes me sound less pathetic.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: one last thing
I do. I don’t find you pathetic. I find you similar to me, except better.
If I’m pathetic for keeping my bridges up, and you do the same thing, then I find you untouchable and strong for doing so. Stoic.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: one last thing
I like stoic. That’s actually a really good word for me, and I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of it already.
I have to argue with the notion that I’m a better person than you, though. You and I both have our flaws.
I hope you know that I do want you to be happy. I’d of course prefer to be the one making you happy, but if I can’t be… well, then I can’t.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: one last thing
Lady, I want the whole world. I want everything.
When I’m down, I have delusions of grandeur in which I can take the longest shot in the dark and hit my target dead on.
When I’m up, I feel like I deserve to rule the world for being born and tempered with this brilliant mind.
I will never be happy. I will laugh, I will cry, but I will never be satisfied. I am cursed and blessed with the philosophy of making the best better.
I’m telling you this because of all the people I know, you are probably the most likely to understand the vague concepts I’m using to describe the very impossible desire at the core of my being.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: ?
would it be bad for me to say that I’m horribly lonely?
Or would it be medicine?
what’s your take on that?
I’m a glutton for self-punishment, after all.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: ?
You know I’m back in Tulsa.
Now I wish I wasn’t. It would make this decision a lot easier.
What do you want me to say? You know I’m a glutton for punishment, too.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: ?
I want you to be objective.
It’s not an invitation.
I just find it ironic that I’m finally getting comfortable with the idea of a relationship, but I’m not comfortable with being in love. I want a female… best friend or partner.
I’m complaining because I’m having difficulty finding someone worth holding a conversation with that isn’t a potential long distance thing. I’m too afraid to go into that sort of relationship.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: ?
I’m not optimistic enough to assume that it was an invitation.
I don’t know what to think of your predicament.
Sometimes I think you can’t pick and choose who you like just because one person would be more convenient than another, or because one person seems like more of a “sure thing.” I don’t know. Long distance relationships suck.
I’m not good at being objective. I’m good at being very very subjective. And you know what my answer would have been, if it had been an invitation.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
In my current hopeless state, I’d like to imagine it would’ve been “Fuck Off” but I’m smarter than that.
Though I even though I know the behavior, it still doesn’t mean I understand it. I’m lame. You do know that, right? lol
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t want some imaginary perfect woman either.
I want… a partner. It’s just a more mature kind of relationship, almost, that I’m looking for.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
You’re no lamer than I am. Or maybe you are. But you are smart enough to know what my answer would have been, and that answer makes me infinitely lame.
I don’t know what I’m looking for, until I find it. Usually I find something that isn’t it and try to convince myself that it is. I’ve never been one for large amounts of romance though. I always go for the more friendly sort of thing. I just like being comfortable with someone, and that doesn’t mean romance to me.
I guess a part of me understands what you mean, but most of me doesn’t, for various (and mostly obvious) reasons.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
I’m too afraid of being hurt, and of being able to hurt, to be in a long distance relationship.
My reasoning is… I don’t know if my heart is strong enough to handle either. It’s only just starting to work again.
My penis… I really could give less than a shit about.
Fuck. I should just write a new song about a girl and have her be my partner. Is that sort of schizo, and would our intimate moments mentally, be a form of ‘conversation-masturbation’?
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
Maybe I’ve just read too much William Blake, but I think hurt is necessary. You don’t appreciate the good as much without it.
I’ve run out of dateable guys at Cameron, so if I want any kind of relationship, I’ve got too look elsewhere. It sucks, really.
You know I really would like to see you again, but I think it’s probably a bad idea. Forget I suggested it. In fact, don’t even consider that a suggestion at all.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
mind if I consider it a daydream, or wishful thinking instead?
you can consider my desire to be strong enough to handle distance as the same.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
I guess you can consider it that. It’s probably useless to think about, though.
As I’ve said, I’m not an optimistic person. My first reaction to you hoping that you could handle long distance? “Well, what good does it do me to think about that?”
At this point, I don’t know. Sometimes I think finality would be better than this, even if it didn’t have the end result that I’d like.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
Maybe that’s why I fear finality. If I had finality, I’d have to choose a side in my internal war of Ambition and Altruism and stick with it.
I’d side with whichever side my self-loathing fell on.
In a world of infinite possibilities though… finality is impossible. Nothing can be static.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
In a world of infinite possibilities, it is just my luck that if I decide not to just sit still and wait, that will be the wrong decision.
At this point, I don’t think either of my options will make me happy. One might, in the long run, but we both know how uncertain that is.
Maybe it was a suggestion, even knowing how bad of an idea it would be. But you’re probably too smart to take me up on that suggestion.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m too smart to be happy.
To: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
From: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
What, are you the dude from that cave allegory?
All jokes aside, I know what you mean. Wouldn’t it be nice to act on all your desires without your brain (and sometimes heart) interfering? I’ve tried. Isn’t possible.
Randomly, have you seen Big Fish? You might like it.
To: adelaide.quinn@cameron.edu
From: Taylorhanson@hanson.net
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ?
ugh… severe ex memories were just brought up.
Bad timing. Don’t wake up on me now.
Yes, I’m talking to my own brain.
I’m going to pop my pills now and pass out.
We all have memories, and I will serve my time in pain
Don’t give in to enemies, they’ll just leave you with no ring
We will find a way somehow through this winding twisting road we’ve found
You won’t find me crying for what used to be home, yeah
You won’t find me trying to burn bridges of stone