Sweat
That blow job in the shower changed something between me and Zac. I didn’t know if anyone else could see it or feel it, but I could. Seamus seemed none the wiser, and for that I was really thankful. If he gave me a strange look when he stumbled out of his bunk and found me already huddled over the coffee machine, I didn’t realize notice. He at least chose not to actually say anything about our night spent apart.
I don’t know what I would have said if he had asked me to explain. I definitely couldn’t tell him what happened with Zac. It was bad enough that I had proven right the fears I was sure he had about my ability to be faithful. The fact that I had done it with my own brother only made it worse. How could I expect anyone at all to understand that? I couldn’t, so I simply wouldn’t tell anyone.
I knew there was no way it could really be that simple, but for the moment I was trying really hard to convince myself that it could be.
It was disgustingly hot that afternoon – so hot that I seriously considered the possibility of canceling the walk just for my own comfort. I felt like I was drowning in my own sweat, far worse than during some our less air conditioned concerts, before we even stepped off the bus. But I pressed on, determined to go through with at least one normal thing that day, even when everything else felt so completely weird and wrong.
Seamus took the walk with us sometimes, when it didn’t clash with his soundcheck, but on that particular day he chose to stay inside in the air conditioning. I didn’t really mind. It just meant there was less time for him to see me being weird around Zac, which was I pretty sure was a given. How could I not be weird around my baby brother the day after he blew me in the bus shower? That was pretty much the definition of weird.
It was an unspoken rule that the three of us split up during the walks. That way, fans could sort of have their pick of who they followed and chatted with. We had realized long ago that most of the fans just saw the walks as moving meet and greets, so we figured it didn’t hurt to give them a little bit of what they wanted as long as we could still spread our message at the end.
What all that really meant was that as much I found myself wanting to, I couldn’t keep my eyes on Zac the whole time. I usually gravitated to the front of the walk, as I was the unofficial leader. Zac and Isaac seemed to alternate; one of them would bring up the rear while the other darted in and out of the rest of the line. Wherever Zac was that particular day, I couldn’t find him. It didn’t help that I had forgotten my sunglasses and in addition to being as hot as the face of the sun, Louisville was as bright as it, too.
When I finally made it to the end of the walk, I stepped up onto a curb so that I could survey the crowd for Zac. I don’t know why I was so intent on finding Zac, but it didn’t matter. He had found me. His eyes locked on mine as he shouldered his way through the crowd. I was pretty sure he nearly bowled a few fans over on his single minded quest to be near me. Finally, he found his way to me, standing halfway behind me so that he our bodies were touching as much as possible. In the past, I wouldn’t have noticed anything unusual about it at all, but now I knew just exactly how strange and wrong this sort of contact was.
With Zac pressed up against me, I practically forgot all the words to my end of walk speech, which was just pathetic considering how many times I had said those same words. All I could think about was his body, though. I didn’t even care that he was sweaty, because God knows I was too. He shifted, and for the briefest moment I could feel his dick against me, straining against his jeans. I glanced over my shoulder and found him staring right back at me.
I kept a death grip on my megaphone, as though it could anchor me, and somehow managed to deliver the rest of my speech. I’m surprised it didn’t just devolve into some pornographic description of everything I wished Zac was doing to me, but luckily I managed to stay on topic. I think. I didn’t get any stranger stares than usual at the end, so I figured that was good enough to call it a success.
The crowd began to dissipate after I lowered my megaphone. Most of them wouldn’t wander far, I was sure, for fear of losing their place in line, but they moved enough to let us climb back onto the bus. As soon as we were inside, Zac headed straight for the back, his sanctuary against the world. When it seemed no one else was going to follow him, I headed that way as well.
He hardly even seemed to notice that I was behind him until I slid the door closed. That sound caught his attention and he spun around, his face strangely blank.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“What are you doing?”
Zac blinked. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Out there,” I replied, taking a few steps closer to him, noticing the way his chest rose and fell a little faster as I did so. “Standing so close to me. Pressing yourself all up on me.”
“You’re imagining things, Taylor,” he said, but I could see him tensing. “Not everyone wants you.”
“Oh, but you do,” I replied, punctuating the statement by closing the gap between us and sliding my hand across the front of his jeans. He couldn’t very well deny that.
“Doesn’t matter. You’ve got a boyfriend,” he said, practically spitting out the last word. “Why don’t you at least try to be faithful to him?”
“You’re not making it very easy,” I admitted, immediately hating myself for it. The only thing I hated worse than being seen as vulnerable was Zac seeing me as vulnerable. I didn’t think I could handle the level of smugness that would cause him to reach.
To my surprise, he didn’t appear smug at all. Instead he just sighed and brushed my hand away. “Yeah, well, neither are you.”
I didn’t know what to make of that at all, and I didn’t have a chance to ask. He shouldered past me and walked out of the room, leaving me standing in the middle of it, confused and alone.
I wasn’t alone for long, though. Before I even had time to collapse onto the couch, the door slid open and revealed Seamus. He leaned against the door frame and gave me a smile, but it soon fell from his face. I could only imagine what I looked like, but judging by the way Seamus was eying me, it wasn’t good. Despite the odd expression on his face, he crossed the room quickly and wrapped his arms around me – reminding me in just one move that he was a far better man than I was.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, brushing a lock of my hair out of my face.
I was suddenly self-conscious about how disgustingly sweaty I must have been, but Seamus didn’t seem bothered so I didn’t pull away. I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Nothing. It’s not a big deal.”
“Long walk? Annoying brothers?”
I let out a snort. “Yeah, something like that. Nothing you need to worry about, I promise.”
It was amazing how easily I could let the lies roll off my lips. It was a skill I had acquired years ago and honed to perfection so that it happened without even having to think about it first. Now I found myself feeling guiltier than I ever had about the lies, though. But how could I tell him the truth and expect him to still hold me like this?
“Are you sure?” He asked, his brow furrowing. A second later, a tiny smirk passed across his lips. “I don’t need to go rough Zac up a bit, do I?”
Somehow, I doubted the mental image that inspired was exactly what he intended. I choked out a laugh, but it sounded pathetically forced. If Seamus noticed, at least he saw fit not to remark on it. Instead, he just kissed my cheek.
“Come on, now,” he said. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Yeah,” I replied, forcing a smile. “Zac’s just… Zac.”
Far from the most eloquent statement I’d ever made, but it seemed to suffice. Seamus nodded his head as though he completely understood what I meant. I’m sure on some level, he did know how strange Zac was; anyone could see that, after all. He didn’t really know just how strange he was though, or, consequently, how strange I was.
I hoped that he never knew.
It was the coward’s way out to keep those things hidden from him, but it was also self-preservation. I wanted to keep Seamus, not scare him away with my depravity. As he held me and pressed kisses to the side of my face, I could only think about how good it felt to be with someone who actually meant something to me. It had been years since I’d let myself really feel something for another person. I didn’t want it to end so soon.
Brushing his lips against my ear, Seamus asked, “Why don’t we go take a shower, hmm? Wash off some of that walk sweat?”
The idea of showering with Seamus was appealing, but as soon as I let myself think about it, my mind filled with images of my shower with Zac. How had that been only the night before? It seemed like ages ago. A lump formed in my stomach and I tried to wiggle free of Seamus’ grip.
“Maybe later,” I said, offering him my best apologetic smile. “We’ve gotta get to this in store thing. But I promise I’ll make it up to you later.”
“Alright,” he replied with a smile. “I’m holding you to that.”
I tried to return his smile. I hadn’t really lied to him, after all. Sure, it hadn’t been entirely the truth. But it wasn’t a lie. Either way, it was far, far too easy to deceive him. The guilt already seemed to be eating me up inside, but I didn’t know what else to do to keep him by my side.