Drowning
I rubbed the sore spot on my head with one hand and attempted to wrap the shower curtain around myself with the other. The last thing I needed right then was for Zac to see how turned on I was or, god forbid, realize I had been jerking off to thoughts of him. He didn’t need to know the depths of my perversion. I didn’t need to drag him any further under with me.
Pulling my hand from my still aching head, I reached for the doorknob and pulled the door open just a crack – just enough to reveal a sliver of Zac’s body. I didn’t need to see any more than that and he definitely didn’t need a better view of me.
“What? Do you need the shower? I’m… almost done.” That was a lie. I hadn’t touched a washcloth, soap, or anything else of that sort. And I definitely didn’t feel clean, in any sense of the word.
He shook his head and took a step into the room. The little bus bathroom was so small that he barely had room to shut the door behind him. I couldn’t help noticing that he flipped the lock on it.
My heart beat so hard that I could feel it in my ears and I wondered if it sounded as defeaning to Zac as it did to me. What was he going to do? Beat me up? Take out all the pent up rage he obviously and rightfully had for me? Or maybe not the rage. Maybe the pent up sexual frustration. Rage seemed far more likely coming from Zac, but the way he stared into my eyes, breathing heavily but not speaking, told a different story.
“Zac?” I breathed out, and the sound of my own voice nearly made me jump. Except for the still pounding spray of the shower and my heartbeat, the tiny room was totally silent.
He stared straight into my eyes, his full of some emotion I couldn’t place. His lip quivered, along with the rest of him, and I wondered if he wasn’t just going to run back out of the room without saying a word. He didn’t, though. Grabbing a fistful of the curtain wrapped around me, as if it might help steady him somehow, he closed the distance between us and crushed his lips against mine.
I let out a pathetic little whimper, kissing him back with little more than a second thought. It was horrible, I knew, and I should have stopped him, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Even if it was wrong, it seemed like the right thing to do, to finally give in to Zac and give him what I hadn’t realized he had wanted for years. It was just a little way for me to acknowledge how I had wronged him. I didn’t stop him at all when his tongue darted out to run across my bottom lip, then slip into my mouth.
He tasted like pot – no surprise there – but I didn’t mind. I didn’t even care that his lips were a little chapped or that I was certain water was puddling in the floor all around us. I grabbed his shirt and yanked him into the shower with me, and he didn’t resist at all even though he was quickly drenched.
Zac wasn’t fazed at all, though. He shoved me back against the shower wall, and I suddenly didn’t mind being the weaker brother. I tugged at his shirt, trying to rid him of it since it was so soaked that it stuck to his chest like a second skin. He paid me no mind, kissing down my neck and chest like a man on a mission.
I didn’t have to guess what that mission was. In seconds, Zac had fallen to his knees, his hands planted against the shower wall on either side of my hips. He glanced up at me for the briefest of moments, meeting my eyes with that same confusing mixture of emotions in his that I had seen earlier. I didn’t have much time to think about that, though. Too soon, his tongue was on my dick, ridding my mind of any thoughts other than that.
“Zac…” I gasped out, only vaguely aware that the only word I had said to him since he walked into the room was his name.
I really didn’t think I had it in me to be any more coherent than that, though. Especially not with the way Zac was working me with his tongue. Had he done this before? There was no way he came by that skill naturally. But Zac was always full of surprises. For all I knew, he had given a hundred guys head. I didn’t want to think about that, though. I only wanted to think about the way his mouth felt wrapped around my dick and only my dick.
This was insane. Absolutely insane. But it felt so, so good. I’m not saying he was better than Seamus; it wouldn’t have even been far to compare them. The fact that it was so wrong, on so many levels, made it easily the hottest thing I had ever done. There was only a few thin walls and one locked door between us and a bus full of people who would definitely not understand or be okay with what was happening. At that moment, though, I didn’t care that we were absolutely defiling that poor bus shower.
I wanted more. I wasn’t going to ask Zac for it, though. I wasn’t going to ask him for anything. He could give and take whatever he wanted, and I would never, ever complain. I tangled my hand in his hair and moaned softly, incapable of doing or saying anything more to let him know how much I loved the way he was bobbing his head up and down, taking nearly my entire length in.
I leaned my head back agaisnt the shower wall, not caring about the water beating down on me and making me feel like I was drowning. It would have felt like that anyway, no matter where we had been. I wasn’t sure, at this point, whether I was pulling Zac under or if he had hold of me now, but we were definitely both sinking. I wanted to care about that, I really did. But it felt too good, too right. I wanted it to never end.
Unfortunately, Zac was too good and I was too turned on. I was growing closer and closer by the second, and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer. I hoped he didn’t mind that it would be over so soon.
“Zac… I’m…” Well, at least I managed a word other than his name that time. I loosened my grip on his hair, unsure whether he would want to swallow or not.
He did, though. I shouldn’t have doubted him. My hips bucked toward him and he didn’t even flinch, just stared up into my eyes. That was all it took to pull me the rest of the way under. I gasped and bucked into Zac’s mouth, and he swallowed every drop.
Zac didn’t move until the last tiny little tremor was gone from my body and I thought I might fall to the floor, as useless as the puddles of water all around us. He didn’t let me fall, though. He held me tightly as he stood up and placed on quick but solid kiss to my lips.
He pulled back and stared into my eyes, his lip quivering like he was going to say something important. I stared at him breathlessly, almost afraid to hear whatever it might be.
“Go on,” he finally said, giving me a tiny nudge. “It’ll look weird if we walk out together.”
I had to replay his words a few times in my head to realize they were just practical instructions. There was no hidden meaning in them at all. I blinked a few times, certain that he would say something, anything else, but he didn’t.
Finally, I gave him a tiny nod and stepped out of the shower. The curtain was still open a sliver and I couldn’t help turning back to watch Zac peel off his soaked shirt and boxers and toss them at my feet. With his back to me, he stepped under the water’s spray and reached for the soap. I could have stood there forever and just watched him wash himself, but I was fully aware of how creepy that was. I had to draw the line somewhere, I supposed, and so I turned away and reached into the cabinet above the sink for a towel.
I kept my back turned to Zac as I dried myself, certain that if I allowed myself to turn around I would do something awful. If I let myself look at him again, I wouldn’t be able to walk out of the bathroom again until I’d committed a few more sins. I didn’t need to do that to either of us – or Seamus.
Seamus.
I had nearly forgotten about him entirely. How could he have slipped my mind so easily? Zac had descended on me and washed all thoughts of my boyfriend from my mind. I couldn’t blame him, though. I had let it happen. I had feared – practically known – that I would find some way to screw up the good thing I had going with Seamus. That was what I did, wasn’t it? It shouldn’t have surprised me at all how easily I had slipped back into old habits.
He couldn’t know about this, I decided. He would never understand or forgive me. This had to remain a secret. Without another word to Zac, or even a tiny glance in his direction, I wrapped the towel around my waist and took a deep breath. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever. Mustering up all my courage, which wasn’t much, I unlocked the door and made my way back to my bunk.
My bunk. Not Seamus’. I knew I would have to answer for that in the morning, but at the moment, I didn’t care. I slipped on a pair of boxers under the towel then let it fall to the floor. I didn’t even care enough to pick it up before climbing into my bunk, the one tiny little place on the bus where I hoped I might have a little bit of privacy. It wasn’t as though I could lock myself in and keep everyone out, but for the most part everyone on our bus respected the closed curtain on someone’s bunk.
I knew I would have to answer for plenty eventually, though. Maybe not the next morning, and maybe not the day after that. It was foolish to think I could keep this a secret, though. The truth always came out; I had learned that lesson long ago. I tried not to think of all the horrible ways this truth might be revealed and what might happen in the aftermath.
The worst part, though, was that none of the awful scenarios I could dream up made me want to stop. I was too far gone, in too deep, to even consider not letting this thing with Zac continue.