Awkward
Things didn’t immediately change after that conversation. I guess I had this image in my mind of it being like a movie or something; once we came to that realization together, everything would be sunshine and roses and cheesy montages of the two of us skipping through fields or something.
But it wasn’t. We went to our bunks alone, like nothing at all had happened. We woke up and wordlessly drank our coffee like nothing at all had happened. We ate our gas station lunch like nothing at all had happened.
I never thought I was a romantic, but this all disappointed me greatly. I wanted things to be different. I wanted to know that my words had really meant something. But I guess that sort of thing didn’t happen overnight. Still, I thought I could see something a little different in Seamus’ eyes when he caught me staring at him over the rack of potato chips in the gas station.
We had a radio thing to do that afternoon, so I didn’t get a chance to pull Seamus aside at any point during the day. I don’t know what I would have said to him if I could have, anyway. I felt like our conversation the night before had said everything and nothing. It didn’t leave me with any sense of where I really stood with him. And one thing I really, really hated was uncertainty.
But of course, the universe saw fit to leave me reeling for the entire day, with no clue what would happen whenever Seamus and I finally had a chance to say more than two words to each other.
I poured my heart and soul into the performance that night. It was the first time on the tour – which, granted, had only been a week – that I really felt happy to be onstage. I didn’t feel like I was running from something, and oddly, I didn’t feel a terrible anxiety to be off the stage, either. I was perfectly happy exactly where I was. I felt like myself again.
Seamus was the first person I saw when I came offstage. I wondered how long he had been standing in the wings; his sheepish smile suggested that he had been there for the entire show. I started to just flash him a smile and continue on to the venue’s bathroom for a quick shower. Seamus wouldn’t let me get away with that, though. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to his side, leaning in close enough that his lips were nearly touching my skin.
“If you let me come to your room tonight, I promise I’ll stay all night long.”
I couldn’t stop a huge grin from spreading across my face at that. Seamus gave me a grin of his own, then gave my arm the tiniest of squeezes before letting go. I scurried away quickly, not wanting to waste a second of time I could be spending with him in the privacy of my hotel room.
Of course, that wouldn’t come nearly soon enough. The crew still had to load everything out and we still had to go outside and great the fans. Okay, we didn’t have to do that, but we all knew how much they appreciated it; it was just one of those little things that we took pride in because they set us apart from other bands. I decided to skip out on that in favor of a shower, though. We had a mutual understanding that at least one of us would go out by the bus after each show, but we didn’t make a big deal out of all three of us going. That night, I decided, would be my night off.
I was infinitely grateful to myself for bringing a clean change of clothes into the venue that afternoon; I had this silly desire to make a good impression on Seamus, even if it wasn’t really our first night together. It still felt important, and I wanted to take that seriously. So, clean underwear was a must.
Once I was out of the shower, I felt infinitely better. I multitasked my way across the green room, toweling my hair dry with one hand and tossing my scattered belongings back into my messenger bag with my other hand. It didn’t matter that I would still be sitting on the bus waiting for an hour or more, I couldn’t slow myself down.
When I opened the green room door, I collided head on with Zac. He was still sweaty from the show and I immediately worried that I was going to need another new shirt just from the proximity to his grossness.
“Where are you going?” He asked, still breathing a little hard from our collision. “Aren’t you going to come out and sign autographs tonight?”
“No, I’m not,” I replied. That sounded a little suspicious. “I’m umm, just gonna go back to the bus.”
That also sounded suspicious. Zac’s eyes narrowed a little and I could see that he was considering my reply and trying to figure out what the lie was. I stared back at him, afraid that if I said another word he would know. He would just know. It wouldn’t even matter what I tried to say; the words would just come out as “I’m going have fantastic sex tonight with Seamus.”
As if on cue, as if I had actually said his name out loud, Seamus walked up and stared back and forth between the two of us. He seemed to grasp the tension, and didn’t speak, but still stood right there in front of the door. The three of us were stuck in this awkward staring loop, no one saying a word. I could feel my face heating up under both of their stares.
I stepped aside to let Seamus pass, and he gave me a shy little smile as he did. That only made my face burn even brighter, and I had no doubt that both he and Zac could see the effect. Zac’s eyes narrowed as he watched Seamus walk into the green room. He turned back to face me and I could see that he had figured out exactly what was going on. I didn’t give my little brother enough credit sometimes; he was way smarter than he looked.
“Well,” he said, a tiny smirk on his lips. “Have fun.”
I didn’t even dignify that with a response. What did it matter what Zac thought of my plans with Seamus, anyway? He didn’t know what was going on between the two of us; no one on the tour knew. Maybe they had some suspicions, but I didn’t think we had been obvious in any way about this thing we had.
Why did it matter, anyway? I had never before cared what people thought about my sex life, even though they most definitely had opinions – and usually not pleasant ones. I didn’t care what they thought, though/ What I did in bed was my business and my business alone. But with Seamus… it was different. That was the mantra these days. Everything about Seamus was different, including this strange new self-consciousness I was developing.
Frustrated not only with Zac but with my reaction to him, I stalked out to the bus quickly and secluded myself in the back lounge. I knew I could count on at least a little bit of privacy there until the band finished loading out and everyone piled onto the bus. Then, I had no doubt that Zac’s video game party would take over the lounge yet again, but at least I could be alone with my stupid brain before that.
Or not.
I hadn’t been in the lounge for more than five minutes before I saw Seamus walking toward me, a look of amusement on his face. I found myself struck with the desire to both run and hide from him and to run to him. It was a strange mixture of feelings, but it seemed a perfectly appropriate reaction to someone so infuriating.
“Are you sulking?” He asked, plopping down on the couch next to me.
Yes. “No.”
“Oh, come on now,” he said, leaning just a little bit closer, practically taunting me. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t like his tone at all, but I was beginning to learn that there was some sincerity lurking underneath all the sarcasm. It was just a matter of finding it – or possibly just deluding myself into really, really believing it was there. Still, I only gave him an exasperated sigh, not an answer.
“Taylor,” he said, his voice the tiniest bit gentler.
I wonder if he knew the effect he had on me when he said my name like that? I had a feeling he must have. It was the perfect form of manipulation. I was one stare away from being putty in his hands. With another long sigh, I finally said, “It’s nothing, really. Just letting my brain do too much thinking.”
“And what is it thinking about?”
I let my head fall back against the couch. “This thing. Us.”
“Us?” There was a hint of amusement to his voice. “Is there an us now?”
“Isn’t there?”
Seamus smiled. “Yeah. I suppose there is.”
After all the buildup to and importance placed on our conversation the night before, it seemed odd that it all came down to just a few little, not at all eloquent sentences. There was an us. My worries faded slightly at that knowledge and I scooted in, closing the small distance between our bodies. We were pretty much the same height and build, so we didn’t automatically fall into a comfortable cuddling position; instead, we just sat there, pressed up against each others’ sides so close that our knees knocked together. Seamus stretched a little bit to reach his arm over the back of the couch, only the tiniest distance from my shoulders. It was a little awkward, but nice.
“Is this alright?” Seamus asked, and I knew he was referring to our positions. “You’re not going to jump up and run if someone walks in?”
“I…” That took me by surprise, even though it shouldn’t have. He always cut right through the bullshit and said exactly what he meant. I thought about it for a second. “No. No, I won’t.”
He looked unconvinced. “Your brothers don’t know, do they?”
“They know,” I said. “At least, they know… how I usually do things.”
“Mmm, but this is different, isn’t it?” Seamus asked, that familiar smirk returning to his face again.
“I suppose it is,” I replied.
And it was. It was very different. Seamus infuriated me, annoyed me and frustrated me to no end. But all of that seemed to only draw me to him, not away from him. It wasn’t comfortable, emotionally or even – at that moment – physically, to be around him, but maybe that was okay. Maybe that was just the way it was going to be. I was finding that uncomfortable didn’t really mean the same thing as unpleasant.
No, that really didn’t make sense at all. None of this did. I had a feeling that was just something I would have to get used to with Seamus.
“I hope it is,” Seamus said, his voice soft. Was that vulnerability? Is that what I heard? It was hard to think of him that way, although I knew he must have been.
I leaned in a little closer to him, staring into his eyes. God, they were beautiful. “It is different. I promise.”
My voice shook a little on the last word, but I could see that Seamus still believed me. And I meant it; it was different. I hadn’t felt – hadn’t let myself feel – anything like this since Alex. I tried not to cringe at the thought of him. Seamus was nothing like Alex; okay, maybe the shared a certain sense of humor. But other than that? Nothing alike. For one, Alex was definitely not on the bus with me right now, creeping closer and closer to me.
The fact that Seamus was planning to kiss me dawned on me far later than it should have. I’m not even sure it registered until his lips brushed up against mine. And it still didn’t have time to fully register, as the bus door slammed shut loudly at that very moment. We both jumped back, trying desperately to play it cool.
It was Zac, of course, with his gamer buddies in tow. I should have expected that.
Zac flopped down Seamus’ other side, evidently not noticing anything wrong. “Shay, you gonna play with us tonight?”
Shay? Since when did Zac get to call him by a nickname? And since when was I jealous of my very-not-gay brother’s friendship with my… boyfriend? Was he my boyfriend? I definitely needed to ask him that later.
Seamus chuckled softly. “No, I don’t think I will.”
“Tay? What about you?” Zac leaned around Seamus to ask. I couldn’t quite place the emotion in his eyes, but something about his voice and the way he looked at me made it impossible to say no.
“Sure,” I replied with a sigh. “But you’re gonna kick my ass.”
“I always do,” Zac replied with a grin.
I rolled my eyes, then gave Seamus an apologetic look. He didn’t seem bothered, though. With a bit of a smirk on his face, he leaned in closer to me and whispered, “Your room. One thirty.”
As if he thought I might have forgotten. Not likely.