Honesty
The problem with this whole Seamus situation was that I knew exactly what I had to do. When the next step was unclear, it was easier to do nothing at all. But I knew what Seamus wanted from me; he had made everything crystal clear. If I only wanted sex – and I was realizing that I didn’t – then I would have to look for it elsewhere. If, however, I wanted something more, I would have to be honest with him about my past and my reluctance to get into a relationship.
It wasn’t going to be easy, and I wasn’t totally convinced he was worth it, but I was going to give it a try.
I was worried that he wouldn’t listen to me, though. He seemed to be running out of patience with me, even after just a week of my bullshit. But somehow, I had to make him listen. I didn’t really have anything to lose. If it didn’t work out, I was pretty sure I could suffer through the rest of the tour with him, and then make sure that I never, ever saw him again.
That night, we weren’t getting a hotel. We had time to get a little rest on the bus itself, then hit the road pretty early for Richmond. It was far easier to sleep on the bus when it wasn’t in motion, but I would have preferred a hotel. Hotels had places I could hide if the conversation with Seamus blew up in my face.
I was, as always, a coward. After the concert ended, I stayed outside signing autographs for as long as I could. Any reason at all to delay this conversation was fine by me. Of course, eventually, all the fans were gone and I had no more reason to stand by the back door of the venue like a creeper. Mustering up all of my courage, I marched to the bus and immediately grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. I didn’t plan to get drunk, but I figured one or two drinks to loosen me up wouldn’t hurt.
Everyone else was already settled into the bus by that point. A quick glance down the hallway revealed that Zac had a crowd gathered around to play video games with him. Seamus was sitting back there looking bored – no controller in his hand, I noticed. He must have felt my eyes on him, because he glanced up and met my stare. I looked away quickly and slid into a seat just out of his view.
My laptop was resting on the table in front of me, and since we were sitting still, I figured there was a good chance I could find some wifi to steal while I tried to figure out how to approach Seamus. I certainly wasn’t going to march back there and try to lure him out of Zac’s gamer party. I didn’t need to draw any extra attention this. So, cowardice won out again and I stayed planted in front of my laptop, sorting through pictures to post on our website.
“I like that one, in the mirror,” Seamus said as his shadow descended on me. I was really getting tired of him just appearing like that. “Really shows off your self-absorbed side.”
“The way you talk about me, you’d think I didn’t have another side,” I huffed.
“It certainly does seem that way,” he replied, a hint of amusement in his voice.
I had known he wasn’t going to make this easy, but I really thought we were past all the sarcasm. Obviously, I was wrong. I was determined to see this through, though. I watched as Seamus surveyed the contents of the refrigerator and finally settled on a beer. He turned and began to walk back to the back of the bus, and I figured that was my chance.
“Seamus. Can we talk?”
The tiniest hint of a smirk passed across his face, and he slid into the seat across from me. “Sure. Let’s talk.”
I took a deep breath as he cracked open his beer and took a sip. I could see he was trying to give me time to start, and I was glad for it. It wasn’t a pleasant story, and I certainly wasn’t looking forward to sharing it with him. At some point, though, the silence became really awkward and I knew I had to just dive right in.
“Okay,” I said, sighing. “You wanted to know what my problem with actual relationships is?”
“I am a bit curious, yes,” Seamus replied, nodding.
“I wasn’t always like this,” I said. “When we were younger, Isaac got a lot of girls on tour. Groupies, you know. It seemed like the thing to do, so I started letting the crew guys bring groupies backstage for me, too. One day, when I was seventeen, there was this one girl. She was different; she wouldn’t just do the groupie thing and let it end there. Having a steady girlfriend seemed… easier, I suppose, than just fooling around. So I got her number and it turned into this long distance thing.”
I paused to let that much sink in – it occurred to me that Seamus probably didn’t even know I was into girls too – while I prepared for what was coming next. That little smirk still played at the corner of his lips.
“Things went pretty well for a while. I had this on again, off again thing with one of the opening acts that I had to break off to make it work with Natalie, but I did it. She seemed worth it, at the time.”
Seamus’ smirk grew a bit. “So I’m not the first opening act you’ve had.”
“Sorry to break it to you,” I replied with a little smirk of my own. “So, things were good for about a year. Mostly long distance, but it was easier that way. Then I met this guy – Alex. The attraction was immediate, and it confused the hell out of me. But he saw it for what it was, and he was persistent. He was a good friend, though. When we were out in LA recording and fighting with the label, he was by my side the whole way, in ways Natalie just couldn’t have been. I needed him.”
I had to pause again there to catch my breath. I could see Seamus’ face softening at the way I described Alex. I was capable of feeling emotions, and if he didn’t believe it after all this, I didn’t think he ever would.
“I tried to fight it at first, you know? Didn’t want to admit I was falling for this guy, but at some point it just seemed stupid to pretend it wasn’t happening. Natalie didn’t know. But she didn’t like how I was always out partying with him, so eventually our fighting came to a head and I ended it. I was going to be with Alex – really be with him.”
That seemed to take Seamus by surprise. And that wasn’t even half the story.
“Natalie wasn’t ready to admit it was over, though. She talked her parents into letting her come out to LA to visit, so we could patch things up. We fought every day. We would get back together, break up, and then do it all over again the next day. Then one day… we slept together. It wasn’t the first time, but we weren’t as careful as we had been before that.”
I paused, and I could see the wheels turning in Seamus’ mind. He knew where this story was going, I was sure.
“A few weeks later, she told me she was pregnant,” I said. I had to pause to take another deep breath there. “So, I ended it with Alex. What could I do? I had to marry her. I had to make things right. We told our parents, we started making plans… god, it seemed like my life was ending. After a few months, though, the truth came out. She hadn’t been pregnant at all, and eventually she admitted that she knew she hadn’t been. She just wanted to be sure she got me back.”
Seamus leaned back against his seat as though he had been physically pushed, the breath knocking out of him entirely.
“Naturally, I ran back to Alex. But he wouldn’t have me. I had abandoned him for a girl after he thought I was finally ready to come out, to admit to the world that we were together. It didn’t matter that that was over for good. I can’t say that I blame him.” Another pause for breath. “We still got together every now and then, for a few years, but it was never the same. And obviously, I am out now.”
So that was it. My dirty laundry had been aired. For a long moment, Seamus only stared at me, his mouth the tiniest bit open and his eyes wide. Had I shocked him completely speechless? It didn’t seem possible.
Eventually, he cleared his throat and leaning forward. “So, that’s why you won’t let anyone in?”
“That’s pretty much it,” I replied, nodding.
“Forgive me, but that’s dumb.”
My mouth fell open as I stared at him. I don’t know what sort of reaction I was hoping for – maybe a little sympathy or understanding – but it was definitely not that. I stuttered and stammered. “It’s what?”
“It’s dumb,” he repeated. “So one person lied to you and another one broke your heart. And for that, you don’t trust anyone at all?”
“I suppose that’s it, yeah.”
“And that doesn’t sound dumb to you?”
It did, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting it. Logically, of course I knew that everyone in the world wouldn’t treat me like Natalie and Alex had, but it was just easier to assume that they would. Maybe it wasn’t statistically sound, but I was certain that I was still sparing myself plenty of heartache this way.
“You’re a smart guy, Taylor,” Seamus said. “You ought to know that not everyone is out to hurt you.”
“But some people are,” I replied, not caring how silly I sounded.
“Maybe. But how are you ever going to find someone who won’t if you automatically assume the worst of them?”
Damn him. Damn him and his logic.
“Well?” He asked, crossing his arms and looking smug.
I huffed. “You just said you wanted to know why I was this way. You didn’t mention that you were going to judge me for it.”
“I’ve been judging you all along,” he replied, smirking. “Now I’ve at least got a good reason.”
I rolled my eyes. “And that reason is?”
“Because you’re stubbornly denying yourself happiness because you’re a coward who can’t take a little heartbreak. But you won’t know real love, the kind that’s worth it, if you don’t suffer a little bit first.”
“And what if I suffer a lot first?” It was an honest question. It was, in fact, the thing that scared me the most.
But Seamus shrugged like it was nothing. “That’s the chance you take. You just have to decide it’s worth it – that someone is worth it.”
“But how do I know?” I asked. I was beginning to feel like a stupid child. We were the same age; how did he know all of this, and I didn’t? It all seemed so simple, but I had denied it all for years and chosen the path of least resistance.
“You just do,” he replied, shrugging. “It’s something you just feel in your bones.”
I stared at him. That wasn’t much of an answer. But in a way, it was. I couldn’t have explained what I felt for him; it was just this thing that I couldn’t deny even though I wanted to. It was something I just knew, something that just was. Maybe that was what he meant. Maybe –
No.
But… maybe.
Would it kill me to take the chance on him? Probably not. But that’s why it was called a chance. Because even if I knew how I felt about him, I didn’t know what would happen from here on out. That was the scary part, the part I had shied away from for years. Taking a chance could mean finding new and horrible ways to break what was left of my heart.
Or it could mean finally putting all of its pieces back together.
That was the chance I had to take.
As I sat there, staring into Seamus’ eyes, I felt this terrifying confidence wash over me. I had no more faith than ever before that this could work, but I didn’t care. I wanted to try it, and I didn’t give a damn how much it could hurt.
“I think I feel it now,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. I wasn’t even sure that Seamus heard me, until he slid his hand across the table and placed it over mine.
“I do too.”