Morning After Person
I woke up to a very strange feeling – an arm draped across my stomach. My eyes adjusted slowly to the late morning sunlight streaming in the window. I knew I was in a hotel and I knew I was sober; that was more than I knew on some mornings. I traced the arm back to its owner and the night before came flooding back to my memory.
Seamus, of course.
Some people, attractive or not, just did not look good when they slept. Naturally, Seamus was not one of those people. I was beginning to think there was nothing at all he could do wrong. His dark hair was draped over his eyes, and I had to resist the urge to brush it aside so that I could see more of his face.
I didn’t want to wake him. I knew it was cowardly of me, or maybe just typical of me, but I wanted nothing more than to sneak out of his room before he woke up and saw me. I never spent the night. It gave people the wrong idea, and walk of shame wasn’t a good look on me. It didn’t even matter that this walk of shame was only two doors down, I still dreaded it. But it had to be done.
I wiggled out of his grasp slowly and carefully, inching free without touching him at all. My clothes were scattered around the room – jeans here, shirt there, shoes by the door. I gathered them as quietly as possible, slipping into them with a gracefulness I didn’t even know I had. Maybe it was the fear of Seamus waking up that gave me sudden ninja skills; whatever it was, I was thankful for it.
My wallet and phone were still tucked into my jeans pocket, somehow. With one last look to make sure he really was still asleep – he was – I opened the door and slipped out. The hallway was empty, and within seconds I was on the other side of the door to my room. Somehow, I had made my escape.
And somehow, it didn’t make me feel better.
I leaned back against the door, banging the back of my head gently against it. What the hell was wrong with me? Some stupid part of my brain was screaming at me to run back to Seamus, climb back into his bed, and wrap my arms around him. I didn’t understand it. Where could that desire have possibly come from? I knew I was crushing on him, but it was only a crush, barely more than sexual attraction.
Or was it?
It didn’t matter, though. I had left him alone in bed. Going back would have only made me look like even more of a fool. I had no choice but to play it cool and pretend that the night had meant nothing to me. It might hurt him – hell, it might hurt me – but I didn’t see any other way out of the mess my libido had gotten me into.
Someday I would learn to control that thing, I thought. That day clearly had not come yet.
With a long sigh, I peeled myself from the back of the door and walked toward the bathroom, determined to shower off any remaining evidence of my night with Seamus. I was sure Isaac or someone would feel the need to comment on me showering so early on in a tour – I had the habit of just forgetting things like hygiene when I was running on a tour high – but I didn’t care. I really didn’t want to go through that day smelling like sex and Seamus’ cologne.
I knew we didn’t have anything to do that day, aside from soundcheck and the concert itself, so I didn’t see any particular need to hurry through my shower. I took my sweet time washing my hair and scrubbing off the physical and metaphorical traces of the night before. When I was finished, I took even longer choosing an outfit for the day and carefully packing up the clothes and things I had brought into the hotel.
Yes, I was stalling. No, I did not care.
Once I could find no more reason to stall, I threw my duffel bag over my shoulder, tucked my laptop under my arm and headed for the front desk. I knew we were all supposed to meet there for breakfast. It wasn’t especially early, but I was pretty sure the hotel would still be serving continental breakfast; therefore, I did not consider myself late.
As it happens, I was early. I’m pretty sure that was a complete first. And from the looks of things, Seamus was an early kind of person, too.
He sat at one of the high top tables, overlooking the street, slowly sipping a cup of coffee. I could see that he had a few pastries on his plate as well, but it didn’t look like he had eaten any of them. I rarely turned down food, but at that moment, I didn’t feel very hungry either. I took my time pouring myself a cup of coffee, instead, and skipped right over the table of pastries and little boxes of cereal.
The room was practically deserted, probably because breakfast was nearly over, so I knew I would look pathetic if I sat anywhere other than with Seamus. Seeing no way out of it, I bit the bullet, gave him the tiniest of smiles – it was really all I could manage – and walked across the room to join him at his table for two.
“Sleep well?” He asked, barely peeking over his coffee at me.
I nodded and took a sip of my own. I wished I could say I hadn’t, but the truth was, I had slept so comfortably and peacefully that I didn’t even wake up once until the morning. With my caffeine and nicotine habits combined, that was a rare feat. Seamus couldn’t know that, though, so I was alone in reading too much into it.
“I wasn’t surprised that you were gone when I woke up.”
I nearly spit out my sip of coffee. “You really don’t beat around the bush, do you?”
“Don’t really see the point,” Seamus replied. “And I don’t see why you have so much trouble talking to me at all.”
I didn’t, either. Okay, that wasn’t entirely true. I did see it; I just really, really didn’t want to see it. If I could bury my head in the sand forever to avoid seeing my crush on Seamus, I would. Unfortunately, he would still see me – and no doubt the crush, too. My inner ostrich won out, though, and I took the easy road. A lie. “I’m just not a morning person, that’s all.”
“No, you’re not a morning after person. Bit of a difference.”
“I don’t have to listen to this,” I replied, hopping down off my seat far less gracefully than I would have liked.
“No, you don’t,” Seamus said. “But you are.”
I picked up my coffee and the bags I’d slung over the back of the chair. “I was. Bit of a difference.”
“Oh good, you’re already up.”
I didn’t have to turn around to know those words had come from Isaac. But I did turn around, and saw that he was walking quickly toward me. Through the glass doors of the hotel restaurant, I could see Zac, Muff and Bex hauling their luggage across the lobby. Great. Everyone was there to witness my argument with Seamus.
Or, they could witness nothing at all. I could stop it. I picked up my coffee so quickly that a few drops sloshed out on the table and I didn’t even care. “Actually, I’m going right back to sleep. In my bunk. See you guys later.”
I didn’t give either of them a chance to say another word before I was gone; I was, in fact, that much of a coward. I mumbled a hello in Zac’s general direction as I passed him shoving his bag into the storage compartment under the bus, but otherwise, I ignored the entire world until I was safely on the bus.
Once there, I downed the rest of my coffee in record time and prayed it wouldn’t keep me from getting a little bit more sleep in my bunk. I had a feeling it would, though, but that’s why iPods were invented – to help you pretend to be asleep so as to avoid the guy you dry humped the night before and are still stuck on a bus with for three months.
Not even the prospect of playing a show that night made my life at that moment sound any better.