Fixable
The last few days of the tour seemed to go by so fast. I supposed that was partially because a big part of me still didn’t want the tour to end. But it was also just a fact. Our last few shows were back to back, leaving us sleeping on the bus and traveling all through the night to get to the next location. There was barely any time to really rest, and definitely no time to have all the conversations I knew I needed to have.
I had to at least try, though. I wasn’t sleeping anyway, so I figured I ought to do something productive during the long bus ride to Indianapolis.
I wasn’t surprised to find Shay sitting at the front of the bus. I guess we were both feeling a bit insomniac, with so much on our minds. Hesitantly, still not sure how he would react, I took a seat next to him. Not too close, of course. Didn’t want to take an unnecessary risks. Shay was just staring off into space, but when I sat down, he glanced my way, if only for a second.
“Umm,” I said, then cleared my throat. “I really… I really liked that new song you played last night.”
“Yeah?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.
I nodded. “You’re a great songwriter. I don’t know… I guess I probably haven’t told you that before, but you really are.”
He didn’t respond, but he continued to stare at me. I decided to take that as a good sign, and it opened the floodgates.
“I know it was weird for you to come on this tour… I mean, with our little bit of a history. But in spite of that, I really did want you to come. And not because I wanted a second chance. You’re just… really talented. Everything else aside, it’s been great to have you with us.”
Shay smirked. “So, what are you trying to butter me up for?”
“Nothing,” I replied, pouting. “But I guess it sounds like that, doesn’t it? You know I just ramble sometimes.”
“That you do,” he said, chuckling softly. “Did you have a point or were you just rambling again?”
“Just rambling, I guess,” I replied. “Look, that song… it was umm…”
“Not entirely about you,” Shay cut in.
I let out a sigh. “But… it was partially about me?”
He shrugged. “I started writing it a long time ago. I guess it’s one of those things where you have an idea, but you can’t finish it until you’ve really been through what you’re writing about.”
“I know what you mean,” I replied. “I just… I’m turning into a broken record here, but I really wish I could undo everything.”
Shay tilted his head to the side and smirked. “You know what’s strange?”
I shook my head.
“I’m not sure that I want to undo it all.”
I stared at him, not understanding at all what he meant.
“I mean… well, like we talked about last night. I’m not saying everything happens for a reason, but while it was good, it was good. I wouldn’t trade that just to erase… how it all turned out.”
And yet again, Shay managed to prove he was a better man than me. I gave him a smile. “I’m glad you feel that way, I guess.”
“Good,” he said, returning my smile. “Do you think I could give you a hug now? Something tells me you really need one.”
“Absolutely.”
We both went in for the hug at the same time, which ended with me practically crawling into his lap. Shay didn’t seem to mind, though. He just laughed and held me tighter.
It felt good to be in his arms again. Really, really good. It was different this time, though. We still seemed to fit together perfectly, but something was missing. I guess we were both disillusioned now. We knew that no matter how good this felt, we weren’t together and we weren’t going to be.
Before I could vocalize any of those thoughts, Zac walked into the room. He had a way of doing that—just popping up at the most awkward moments. He appeared to be half asleep, so I wasn’t even sure that he noticed us at first. Still, I instinctively pulled away from Shay. It seemed silly to feel guilty about being with him now, but that didn’t rid me of the feeling.
Zac took his sweet time getting a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I was sure he did it just to bug us, and if so, it was working. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he walked back toward the bunks, casting a tiny glare my way before he slipped through the doorway.
Shay cleared his throat, and I scooted ever so slightly closer to him. I was sure he realized why I’d moved away, but I hoped he wouldn’t say anything about it.
“So…” he said, and I braced myself. “About last night, Tay.”
“Oh, what about it?” I asked, trying to feign innocence and surely failing.
“I fear I may have given some mixed signals. I mean, sleeping with you, then singing that song…”
I nodded. “A little mixed, yes.”
“I suppose…” he began, then sighed. “I really can’t explain it. I wish we could go back to where we were, but I know we really can’t. You know we can’t, right?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’ve tried to convince myself that we can, but… I suppose it really wouldn’t work.”
“No, I don’t think it would. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a part of me that wishes we could. And in spite of how much… how much you’ve hurt me, I still care about you. I can see that you’re hurting, too. And I wish I could do something to fix that. To fix everything.”
“I’m not sure any of it is fixable,” I replied softly.
“Maybe, maybe not. But I don’t think us getting back together is part of the solution.”
I sighed. I knew he was right, but I still didn’t enjoy hearing it spelled out.
“Don’t you agree, Tay?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I mean, logically I know you’re right. Doesn’t mean I like it.”
“I know. And I’m sorry if my little moment of weakness gave you any false hopes.”
I chuckled. “Don’t worry about that. I think I’m way past any hope now.”
Shay frowned and pulled me closer. He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, then sighed. “You’ll be alright, Tay. In time, I promise you will be alright. Now how about you go get some sleep? Alone this time, I’m afraid.”
“Yeah… alright.” I didn’t sound very enthusiastic about it, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to leave him and crawl into my bunk alone, even though I knew I didn’t really have a choice.
He gave me one last hug then playfully shoved me away, and I knew that was my cue to leave.
To my surprise, I fell asleep almost the second that my head hit the pillow. Nothing had been fixed by that conversation, but apparently it had still taken some weight off my mind.
I woke up happy for once. It was strange, I realized, to feel that way considering the conversation I’d had with Shay. We weren’t getting back together, but I was becoming okay with that. I understood it, even if I didn’t like it. We’d reached some sort of closure, and I suppose that was the reason I managed to actual fall asleep and stay asleep.
My good mood was gone within seconds of waking up, though. The first person I saw at the front of the bus just had to be Zac. We’d stopped early to get breakfast before going to the venue, and while there were plenty of others milling around and slowly waking up, Zac was the first one to catch my eye.
And he did not look happy.
I took a few steps closer to him and reached for his arm, but he jerked away from me. I was going to suggest that we go to the back of the bus and talk, but I didn’t get the chance. Before I could say a word, he was gone, racing out the bus door like someone was chasing him.
I hated that he probably felt that way. At the moment, I didn’t understand it. Things had been good between us for days. Was it just that little sighting of me with Shay bothering him? I supposed it must have been.
I didn’t know how, but I had to try to make this right.
I took my time getting dressed, hoping that would give Zac some time to cool down and actually be willing to face me. Once I thought I was vaguely presentable, I walked off the bus and glanced around. We were parked at a large truck stop with a couple little restaurants attached. If I knew Zac, and I was fairly certain I did, I would find him in McDonald’s. Even when he went on his health food kicks, he couldn’t resist Mickey D’s breakfast.
Sure enough, he was holed up in one of their booths. He wasn’t eating, though. There was a bagel in front of him, but he was just staring off into the distance. That was strange, but I’d come to expect strangeness from Zac during this tour.
I didn’t waste any time ordering food for myself, even though I would have loved a coffee right then. I didn’t want to give Zac the chance to escape. Before he had time to realize what I was doing, I slid into the seat across from him. He just glared at me.
“Figured you’d be with Seamus.”
“Why would you think that?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Didn’t you guys make up?”
“In a way,” I replied. “But we’re not… we didn’t get back together. We just made some kind of peace, I guess.”
A look of shock passed across Zac’s face for a moment, then something that looked more like relief. “So does that mean he’s going to stop singing angry songs about you?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Probably not. I probably gave him enough material for a whole album.”
Zac almost laughed at that, I’m pretty sure. His lips threatened to turn up in a smile, but I could see that he was fighting it. “You probably did.”
“Who knows, maybe I’ll write some about him, too.”
At that, Zac’s smile was entirely gone. I had a feeling I’d said completely the wrong thing. I had a habit of doing that.
“Look, Zac, I…” I began, not really sure what I was going to say, but knowing that I needed to say something.
He shook his head. “Forget it. It’s alright.”
I wanted to argue with him, because I knew it wasn’t, but what would that have fixed? Another argument wasn’t really what we needed right then. For right then, things were as close to okay as I thought they could be. I still hadn’t said everything I needed to say to him, but I would. I had to. It was the only way to fix this, if it could be fixed at all. I just had to find the words.
Right then, though, I was happy to just sit in silence with him. Silence was far better than fighting.