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Shay came back to the bus just before we left that night. It was painfully obvious that he was trying to spend as long away from me as possible. I don’t know why he bothered; the tour was almost over, and then he would be rid of me for good.
That was what he wanted, wasn’t it?
As I sat on the bus couch trying to read a book—thank you, insomnia—I couldn’t help noticing Shay staring at me. He didn’t say anything. He just sat there at the little booth across from the couch, occasionally glancing up from his notebook and just… staring.
Do you need something?” I asked when I could take no more of it. It sounded a little harsh, but I didn’t really care. The lack of sleep was getting to me, but no matter how long I lay in my bunk, sleep wouldn’t come. Reading was my last resort, and I couldn’t even manage to do that without someone’s eyes boring holes into me.
He shook his head. “No… not really. Just thinking, I guess.”
“About me?”
“Yes and no,” he replied.
It was my turn to stare at him then. I sat my book down and glared at him, raising an eyebrow. “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I guess… well, not just you. But the whole situation.”
“So me and Zac.”
He nodded. I wondered if his every waking hour was filled with thoughts of me and Zac. Somehow, I had a feeling they were, and I truly wished there were a way for me to fix that. If I could reach into his brain and pull those thoughts and memories out, I gladly would. Unfortunately, that wasn’t really an option. I would have done it in a heartbeat, though. Even if it meant removing all memories of me and erasing our entire relationship. That brief bit of happiness wasn’t worth what he was going through now.
Was this empathy? It felt strange.
It wasn’t like I had suddenly realized that my actions hurt other people. I knew that. The problem was my inability to stop myself from doings that I knew would hurt them. It was a cycle I didn’t know how to escape. This was starting to feel like a wake up call, though. How much worse could I do than having sex with my brother? Not very, without breaking a whole bunch of laws.
“Shay, I just…” I trailed off, not even sure why I bothered to start that sentence. I knew my words couldn’t change anything. “I just wish I could stop this. Undo it. Anything.”
“Me too,” he replied. “I’ve never been one to say things happen for a reason, but I keep looking for some reason for all of this. I can’t find any.”
I sighed. “I don’t know… there’s no reason for you to go through this, but me? Maybe. I mean, I’m an awful person, Shay. I know it. So why can’t I just change?”
“Because being awful worked. It got you what you wanted. It hasn’t this time, though, has it?”
I shook my head.
“Well, then I guess maybe you should change.”
“Yeah,” I replied with a sigh. “I just… I don’t know how.”
“That’s something you’re going to have to figure out on your own, I’m afraid.”
“I had a feeling you’d say that.”
Shay gave me a small smile. “Look, you just… you just need to figure out for sure why you want to change. Once you figure that out, the how will be obvious.”
It was cryptic and a little confusing, but I had a feeling I knew what he meant. People might have said that you should only change for yourself, not others, but in this case I didn’t think that held true. Everything I did was for myself; that was the problem. I needed to change so that I could be better to other people. People like Seamus.
“I think I know what you mean,” I replied, giving him a smile. “And I think you’re right.”
“Good,” he said, standing up and reaching his hand out to me. “Then let’s go to bed, okay?”
I had hardly believed Shay at all when he said those words to me, but he meant exactly what he said. We climbed into his bunk together, and it seemed like a tighter fit than I remembered. Somehow we made it through the night, though.
For a moment, things seemed normal again. I didn’t even think twice about it before hopping out of the bunk and dragging him along with me. Naturally, the first person we ran into was Zac. He only glared at us, but it was an expression that spoke volumes.
I thought back over the entire tour, and realized the three of us had shared a lot of those moments. I didn’t understand how Seamus hadn’t seen the truth sooner. Maybe he just didn’t want to believe it. It was pretty ridiculous, after all. I wasn’t sure it was a conclusion most people would even jump to, so it probably hadn’t even occurred to him. Why the hell would he realize my brother’s behavior had anything to do with the two of us having sex?
It did, though, and for the rest of the day I could feel Zac’s eyes on me. I knew he was angry about seeing me with Shay, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t even know what it meant. Were we getting back together? He’d kissed my forehead after we laid down, but that was it. It felt different than before. I didn’t think we were getting back together, but I was really just trying not to get my hopes up.
There was no way I could explain all my thoughts to Zac. So I decided not to tell him anything.
Despite Zac’s weirdness, I went through my day in a relatively good mood—a hell of a lot better than I’d felt for a week, at least. I was cautiously optimistic. Shay and I didn’t really have much of a chance to spend any time together, so I got no further clarity about what the night had meant.
Maybe it meant nothing.
I really didn’t want to consider that possibility, but I knew that I had to.
But maybe not just yet. For now, I was perfectly content to just stand by the side of the stage and listen to Shay perform. This time, it didn’t feel so much like I was torturing myself. As seemed to be his tradition, he introduced a brand new song at the end of his set. I was curious. Could it be about me? I felt conceited for even considering it, but I didn’t think it was just a coincidence that he’d started writing so many songs since our breakup. I listened closely, hoping to see some hint of me in the lyrics.
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelily landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me
I was sure I wouldn’t find you at home
And you let me down
Could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down
It’s no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
You’re coming home, you’re coming home
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could’ve called if you’d needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked instead
And you let me down
It’s one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you’re coming home
And I’m trying to forgive
You’re coming home
And I’m trying to forget
You’re coming
And I’m trying to move on
You’re coming home
And you haven’t called yet
You’re coming home
And I’m trying to forgive
You’re coming home
I’m just trying to forget
You’re coming
I’m trying to move on
You’re coming home
But you haven’t called
You’re coming home
You’re coming home, you’re coming home
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There’s no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
It was more than a hint. I was all over that song. At one point, I was fairly certain Shay even caught my eye when he glanced off to the side of the stage. Sometimes I really thought he could read my mind. Then again, if he could, our breakup would have happened a lot sooner.
Even though this song seemed more sad than the other one, I could hear love in it. I could hear heartbreak. And you can’t have the latter without the former. I had let him down; I knew I had. Would he have really listened to me, though? I couldn’t imagine that conversation, trying to explain to him what was happening with Zac.
There was really nothing hopeful about the song, and it only reminded me that I was going home soon. Away from Seamus. Away from any little sliver of hope we might have had between us.