Bubble
I’ve probably said it before, but touring is really like being on your own planet. The fans get to visit, but all of us on the bus are basically in a little bubble. The world outside has very little effect on you when you’re cooped up in a tour bus or locked in a hotel room. You forget that anyone outside of your tour family exists.
When one member of that tour family is suddenly gone, you really feel that loss.
Or maybe I was just melodramatic and hated spending a day away from Seamus. We were playing this special, one off show with a few other artists, and he wasn’t one of them. Days ago, I would have imagined the two of us having fun going off together during what little downtime we had during the day. I knew that wasn’t going to happen now, though. Shay made excuses about needing to be somewhere else to meet with some songwriter friend, but I had a feeling he was just avoiding me.
I supposed this was just a trial run for the rest of the tour without him. We had two more legs of the tour planned, after all, and he wasn’t the opening act for either. This was it. In just a few short days, Shay would be completely out of my life.
After this leg of the tour wrapped up, we had planned to spend two weeks off in Tulsa. I could tell already that some people were longing for the downtime and others weren’t. Then there were those of us, like me, who were torn between the two. I needed more time. I wasn’t ready to just let Shay go. At the same time, I had a feeling a break from Zac would be really, really good for me. I hadn’t figured out how to explain that to him yet, though.
We never really took genuine breaks as a band. Even during our downtime between tours, we spent hours upon hours at the office, finding things to work on, or making up excuses to gather at our parents’ house. It was just second nature to us to always be together; thirteen years as a band, on top of being brothers, would do that to you.
So how could I possibly explain to my little brother that we needed to spend some time apart for the first time ever?
Even in light of everything that had happened between us, I wasn’t sure he would agree to it. After all, the last few days had been better. I wasn’t really sure why, but they had been. Maybe it was the weed. Of course it would mellow him out a little, but it wasn’t a miracle drug. It couldn’t make all our problems go away. It could damn sure help, though.
Since the concert was part of a thing sponsored by some radio station, we had to give an interview that afternoon. We barely even had time to squeeze in our soundcheck amongst all the other bands, and once that and the interview were over with, I could tell we were all looking forward to a little downtime before the concert. It wouldn’t be long, but hopefully it would at least be enough time for dinner. Judging by the look on Zac’s face and the way he kept nervously tapping on every available surface, I had a feeling he was craving more than just dinner.
As usual, no one in our entire tour family could agree on just one thing for dinner. Surprisingly, Zac and I both wanted pizza, so I decided to be a good brother and pick one up for us and bring it back to the bus. I was pretty sure I saw Zac let out a sigh of relief after I presented my plan.
It didn’t take me that long to find a pizza place within walking distance of the huge parking lot our bus was camped out in. I did, however, have a pretty long wait once I actually arrived at the pizza place. It only gave me more time to think about the situation I’d gotten myself into.
I had to end things with Zac for good. Even if Shay was leaving and things between he and I were beyond fixing, it just wasn’t right. Having sex with my brother was a level of depraved even I didn’t want to think about, but it was too late not to think about it. It was bad enough just to worry what the fans—not to mention the gossip rags—would think if they found out I had a boyfriend. What if they found out that boyfriend was also my brother?
Not that I was dating Zac. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
After an excruciatingly long wait, I finally had two large meat lovers pizzas piled in my arms. The walk back to our little tent city in the parking lot seemed even longer the second time, and I could think of a few reasons for that. First, I was starving. Second, I knew I needed to talk to Zac.
As soon as I opened the bus door and watched a cloud of smoke drift out, I knew that I could check the second item off that list. There would be no talking to him while he was stoned.
Somehow I managed to balance the pizza boxes on one arm while I retrieved two sodas from the refrigerator. Even more shockingly, I didn’t drop anything as I made my way to Zac’s little safe haven in the back of the bus. If the entire tour was in a bubble, the back lounge was Zac’s personal bubble.
And right then, that bubble was full of pot smoke.
“Dinner is served,” I said, holding a soda out to him and carefully setting the pizza boxes in the floor.
He set his pipe aside, and wordlessly, we both began to eat. Usually we were big talkers during meals — something that got us into plenty of trouble when we were younger. That particular etiquette lesson never seemed to sink in, no matter how hard our mom tried. Right then, though, neither of us said a word. I didn’t know about Zac, but my silence was caused mostly by fear and dread. I had plenty of things to say, but I didn’t know how to say them or how they might be received once I did.
I wondered if Zac was having the same problem. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, I was practically on the edge of my seat with anticipation.
“You want me to pack another bowl for us?”
I blinked. “Oh… umm, sure.”
That wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but nothing Zac had done during this tour had been. I watched him closely as he dug out his little stash of weed and refilled his pipe. If it wasn’t already glaringly obvious that he was a pothead, watching him pick out the seeds and stems and effortlessly prepare the bowl for us was all the proof anyone would need. His hands moved with a mind of their own, the same way that they did when he was behind the drums, and it was almost as much fun to watch.
Finally, he turned and handed me the pipe. I pulled my own lighter out of my pocket; all the stress of the last few days had caused my nicotine addiction to rear its ugly head again. Zac’s eyes were on me as I lit the pipe and took the first hit. I passed the pipe back to him, and we continued trading it off like that.
It felt good. Really good. Until this tour, I hadn’t smoked pot for years. Every now and then I joined in the parties that inevitably happened during some of our tours, but I was much more a fan of alcohol. I could get used to this pot thing, though, especially if it meant Zac and I could actually spend time together and not be at each others’ throats—or other body parts.
As soon as I thought it, as though he could read my mind, Zac slumped over and laid his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t push him away without causing a fight, so I didn’t. I just wrapped my arm around him and sighed.
“You alright, Tay?”
I nodded softly. “Yeah… feeling pretty good now.”
“I didn’t mean the pot,” he said. “I mean… all the shit that’s been happening. Everything with Shay and… with us.”
“I don’t know,” I replied, hoping he didn’t feel my body grow tense. I wanted to pull away from him, but my body wasn’t really cooperating enough for that. I was suddenly regretting getting so high just before a concert, but there were still a few opening acts before we had to go on. “I don’t know what I am right now, Zac. Things are just… so fucked up.”
“Yeah,” he replied softly. “I wish I knew how to fix things.”
“I wish I did, too.”
I did, though. Didn’t I? Just end things with Zac. It was that simple. Tell him we needed to spend some time apart, and eventually he would understand that we couldn’t be together like that. I just had to actually spit the words out, which wasn’t really easy in my current condition.
“Zac, I just… umm…”
Well, that was a start. It was as far as I got, though. Before I could get my tongue to form any other words, I heard footsteps heading our way. I looked up and saw Isaac staring down at us with a very confused look on his face. He was definitely in our personal bubble.
“Are you guys stoned? You’re fucking stoned.”
Zac just giggled against my shoulder. It tickled.
“Well, at least we’ve still got an hour or so before the concert…” He narrowed his eyes. “You guys are going to cool it, right?”
Again, Zac just giggled. I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, Ike. Just let us chill for a while and we’ll be alright for the show.”
He mumbled something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch, but I was sure it wasn’t very flattering. With one last look at the two of us, he spun around and left.
“Well, that was… something…” I said.
“Yeah,” Zac replied with a sigh.
He rested even more of his body weight against me, effectively forcing me to lay down on the couch because I could no longer support him. We were dangerously close to cuddling, and I could do nothing to stop it.
If I couldn’t even stop him from cuddling with me, how could I ever tell him that we had to stop this thing between us? I didn’t know, but I knew I had to find a way. It wasn’t optional.