Lucky
Nothing really changed with Zac or with Seamus after that night. Except for sharing his joint with me, it was like I still didn’t exist to Zac. I figured it was better that way, though. And Seamus? Well, I figured I was lucky just to have the one conversation with him.
After the concert the following night in Columbus, I figured I had a few choices. I could go straight to the bus and see if Zac felt like sharing his weed again. I didn’t really want to talk to him, but I did have a bit of a craving for the numbness that only pot could provide. The other option was to go out and face the fans. At least that would get me away from both Zac and Shay. Even if they were both there, I would be surrounded by fans.
I considered both options carefully during the concert, and eventually settled on the second one.
The venue had a small bathroom, and I figured it was a good idea to take a quick shower before going out to greet the fans. Knowing our fans, at least one of them would ask for a hug, and they probably wouldn’t appreciate it if I was still covered in an entire concert’s worth of sweat when I wrapped my arm around them.
Despite having taken tons of showers since then, this particular shower just reminded me of that one afternoon with Zac. I double and triple checked that the bathroom door was locked before taking my clothes off. I didn’t trust myself to say no if he cornered me again. Knowing how much I needed to refuse him obviously didn’t help at all. If he was there, naked, wet and asking for sex, I knew I couldn’t turn him down.
And I couldn’t stop myself from getting turned on at the thought of it.
My dick apparently wasn’t the only part of my body with a mind of its own. I should have ignored it and kept on showering. But no. My hand just had to find its way down there, and I just had to jerk myself off to the memory of sex with Zac. The worst part was that it was one of the best orgasms of my life—ranking right up there with actually having sex with Zac.
As if I needed another reminder that I was going to hell.
I leaned against the shower wall to catch my breath as I watched the water wash away the proof of what I’d done. If only it could wash the images of Zac out of my mind.
I finished showering as quickly as I could and wasted no time drying my hair or making myself presentable. I was clean and wearing clothes that didn’t smell; that was good enough, I figured. Nothing about that shower had made me feel any better about my life. I was still going to be nice and sign a few autographs, but I certainly wasn’t in a good mood. Hopefully the fans wouldn’t notice.
By the time I made my way outside, I could tell that one of my brothers was already there. There were too many fans crowded around, giggling and talking, for me to see which brother it was, but I had no doubt there was a Hanson somewhere in the crowd. A few of them broke off from the herd when they noticed me, and I gave them the best smile I could manage. It didn’t feel like much of a smile to me, but it seemed to satisfy them.
With my sharpie in hand, I signed everything that was thrust upon me, but I made little conversation. Small talk was really all I thought I could manage. Some stupid part of my brain wondered if any of the fans had even the tiniest inkling of everything that was going on in my life. If they did, surely they wouldn’t be smiling at me and vying for my attention. How could they hang around and gush about how great the concert was if they really knew the things I had done?
Of course they didn’t know, though. They hardly even suspected that I was with Seamus.
“So does Seamus not come out after the shows?” One of the girls asked as I handed her signed poster back.
Was I psychic? Had I planted the idea of him in her mind without even meaning to? No. Of course not. That was just stupid and paranoid to even consider. It was just my bad luck that someone would ask about him.
“Umm,” I choked out. “No, he… he usually doesn’t. He just… likes to relax after the shows.”
It was a load of bullshit, and I was certain they could see through it.
“Oh,” she replied, a little pout on her lips. “Well, you should tell him we’d like for him to come out and hang out some time.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I can make Shay do anything, but I’ll tell him what you said.”
“Shay? Oh, is that, like, his nickname?”
Had I called him Shay? Oops. “Yeah, some people call him that.”
“I think it’s really cute,” another girl said, giggling.
“If you say so,” I mumbled, grabbing someone else’s cd to sign and hopefully distract myself and give those girls the hint to move on.
Naturally, it didn’t work.
“It’s definitely cute,” the first girl said. “Especially the way Tay says it.”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to hear that last part, but I definitely did. I couldn’t stop myself from raising an eyebrow, but I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying anything really stupid.
“He just seems like such a sweetheart,” a third girl chimed in.
“He is,” I said. The words just fell out of my mouth all on their own. They were true, though, and once I’d started, I feared I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. “He’s a really, really great guy. He deserves to be happy.”
“Is he… not happy?” One of the girls asked, her face a picture of confusion.
It was possible that I had said far too much, but I’d dug myself a deep hole that I didn’t know how to get out of. “Umm… well, I just think he deserves all the happiness in the world, that’s all.”
“He sings some pretty sad songs. Did someone break his heart?”
“Yeah,” I replied. That was met with a chorus of awws, and I found I still couldn’t stop myself. “And like I said, he just… he deserves the best. Anyone who was with him ought to see how lucky they are. He’s just… an amazing guy.”
I managed to shut myself up then, because I could tell from a few of the looks I was getting that I’d gone too far. I could hear the stupid lovesick tone in my voice, so I was sure a few of the more astute fans did too. I signed the last few autographs as quickly as I possibly could, hoping I could make a fast escape without answering any more awkward questions.
After a few more smiles and goodbyes, I managed to extricate myself from the crowd. I turned and walked back toward the bus, which was only a few yards from where the fans had gathered. As I rounded the corner, I nearly collided with someone, and it took me only a moment to gain my bearings and realize it was Seamus.
“Shay,” I gasped out. “You uh… were you going to sign autographs?”
“Though about it,” he replied, then gave me a tiny smirk. “Looked like you had things under control, though.”
“They were asking for you,” I admitted.
Shay nodded. “Yeah. I heard.”
“You did?”
He nodded again, then motioned toward the bus door. “Why don’t we take this conversation inside, though? I reckon you’ve given them enough to gossip about already.”
I gulped, but didn’t argue. He was right. I knew I had said too much to the fans. It might not have seemed all that revealing to some of the fans, but there was meaning in my words that I wasn’t ready to articulate to Shay—not that I thought it would really matter if I did tell him any of what I was thinking.
Maybe it would, though. He certainly seemed shaken as he closed the bus door behind us and headed straight to the refrigerator for a beer. He offered me one as well, but I really didn’t feel like drinking right then.
As much as I didn’t want to know, I had to ask him the question nagging my mind. “So umm… how much of what I said did you hear?”
“Just the part about how amazing I am,” he replied with a smirk.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Yeah, well… wouldn’t want to give you an ego problem or anything. But everything I said was true.”
“Even the part about how I deserve to be happy?” He asked, his voice softer.
“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “And how lucky I was to have someone like you… and I did know that. That’s why I tried to keep the thing with Zac a secret, you know? I know it’s fucking twisted logic, but I knew I was jeopardizing what we had. I just didn’t know how to stop myself.”
“You were trying to protect me,” he said. “It’s not any sort of logic, but I suppose I can see how you would convince yourself it was your best hope.”
I took a tiny, tentative step closer to him. “It doesn’t change anything though, does it? Road to hell, good intentions and all that crap.”
“No,” he replied sadly, shaking his head. “It really doesn’t. You’re missing one part of the picture, though.”
“What’s that?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“In spite of everything that you did, I happen to think I was pretty lucky, too. For a brief while, I saw a part of you that I’m not sure you’ve shown anyone else. I saw that you are capable of love, despite what you think.”
I stared at Shay, letting his words sink in. While we’d never said that particular word to each other, I supposed it was pretty obvious that was how I felt about him. I supposed he was right. It wasn’t as though I’d really thought myself incapable of it, exactly, but I just didn’t see the point. As this short lived relationship had proven, falling in love only ended up hurting in the end. Maybe it didn’t have to, though. It was my fault it hurt, so why couldn’t I have stopped the pain?
I didn’t have an answer for that.
“I just wish…” I muttered. “I wish I could have done things differently.”
“Me too,” Shay replied softly.
He sat down on the couch then and turned his attention to a book he pulled out of the cushions. I was pretty sure it was mine, but I didn’t see the need to be so petty right then. The conversation was obviously over, so I decided to make my way to the back of the bus. Perhaps Zac would be there and in the mood to share his weed again…
I pushed the curtain aside and immediately ran into yet another person.
This time, it was Zac. His eyes were wide and he staggered back away from me.
“Jesus, Tay,” he said. “You could give a guy a heart attack.”
“Sorry…” I replied. “Didn’t know you were there.”
“I was just… umm, just coming to get a drink,” he said, but there was something odd in his voice and the way he stuttered out his excuse.
It was an excuse, I was certain of that. He had been eavesdropping. I wanted to be angry with him, but I found I just didn’t have the energy for yet another fight.
“Well, go get a drink then… I’ll be in the back.”
Zac nodded. “Yeah… okay.”
As I made my way to the back of the bus and settled into one of the couches, I couldn’t help wondering what Zac thought of the conversation he had witnessed. Knowing Zac, he wouldn’t waste any time telling me. He seemed to enjoy watching me fight with Shay; at least, he had until we had been found out. Whatever he thought about that, he seemed to be keeping it bottled up, which wasn’t very like him at all.
A moment later, he returned with a soda in his hand and nudged me aside so that he could sit down in the spot my feet had been occupying. Again, I didn’t have the energy to fight with him. Instead, I just stretched my legs out across his lap. Surprisingly, Zac didn’t move them.
“You want to smoke?” He asked, digging a pipe out of the recesses of the couch cushions.
I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering just how many bits of his drug paraphernalia he had stashed around the bus. I figured it was better not to ask; ignorance was definitely my friend. And at that moment, I decided pot was my friend, too. I gave Zac a nod and a tiny smile. “Yeah, sure. Couldn’t hurt, right?”
“Hasn’t hurt me yet,” he mumbled, digging out a lighter and a bag of pot from under the couch. He really did just have things stashed everywhere. I wasn’t sure why that surprised me. Even more than that, I was surprised that he had yet to mention Seamus. I was certain he only offered the weed because he knew I was in a bad mood again. Surely it would only be a matter of time before he said something about the cause of that mood.
But he didn’t.
We passed the bowl back and forth quietly until there was nothing left of it. It was one of the only peaceful moments we’d shared in the entire tour. As much as I enjoyed it, I couldn’t entirely relax. There was still a voice in the back of my head telling me that the peace couldn’t possibly last. I just wasn’t that lucky.