Hurt
On the way to Pittsburgh, I came to a conclusion. I knew that I still couldn’t go to Shay for comfort, no matter how much I wanted to. What I realized, though, was that he probably needed comforting as much as I did. I was probably the last person he wanted to talk to, but it wasn’t like he could go to anyone else on the tour to talk about what he had seen; at least, I really hoped that he didn’t. Who could he talk to about it? Zac? I didn’t really see that happening.
I knew that Shay probably hated me, and I didn’t know if I could change that, but I wanted to try. I decided that I would feel a lot better about myself, especially after how I’d acted around those fans, if I at least attempted to end things with Shay a little more amicably. And, while I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, there was a tiny, delusional part of me that hoped we could somehow patch things up and get back together.
It was one of those times when we left the venue late at night and drove straight on to the next location, stopping only for gas and food. Since it wasn’t that long of a drive, we decided to take the time to actually stop for a sit down meal when we found a truck stop and diner side by side off the highway. Those of us who were still awake had the choice between chips and candy bars or greasy dinner food. I waited to see which Shay chose, and found myself cheering on the inside when he headed toward the diner. Maybe I could get him alone at a table and have a chat. It was a long shot, but I had to take it.
Nearly everyone else was content to grab a snack for the road, it seemed. A few others headed toward the diner along with Shay, but he didn’t seem to be part of their group. In fact, he sat on the opposite end of the small dining room. I supposed he felt as alone as I did, and I hoped that one commonality would be enough for him to give me a chance and at least talk to me. It was, after all, my fault that we were both so alone.
I trailed closely behind him as he made his way to a booth, not wanting to be so close that he would notice me. I hated feeling like I was stalking him, but I supposed I was. Shay sat down with his back to the rest of the restaurant, and I practically sprinted the last few steps and flung myself into the seat across from him.
“Taylor.” There was absolutely no emotion in his voice, and his face was unreadable.
“I’m sorry,” I said, figuring that was a safe way to begin. “I didn’t know how else to get you alone.”
“We’re in the middle of a restaurant,” he pointed out.
“We’re at the back of a restaurant, actually. And we’re at a table by ourselves. This is probably as alone as you’re going to let me get you.”
“Probably,” Shay replied with a hint of a smirk that faded quickly. “What do you want?”
“Just… just to talk to you,” I replied.
“What could you possibly have to say to me now?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but closed it once I noticed the waitress approaching. Shay and I both plastered on fake smiles as we gave her our orders—black coffee only for both of us. Once she was out of earshot, I said, “I don’t know, Shay. Maybe nothing, but I just felt like I had to try. Some of the fans were asking me about you yesterday and I just… I don’t know, I was just thinking about you.”
“Asking you about me?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Nothing like that,” I said. “Although I think a few of them are suspicious about us.”
“If they only knew,” he replied dryly.
My heart began to race. “You’re not… I thought you weren’t going to tell anyone.”
“I’m not,” he replied. “I’ll admit, the chance to hurt you… it’s tempting. But what good would it do me? Hurting you wouldn’t actually make me feel any better. And somehow I get the feeling you’re hurting enough on your own.”
His ability to be so reasonable astounded me. I had no doubt that I’d seriously hurt him, but still he was thinking of me. It only made me feel worse about myself.
“Was that all you wanted to talk about? Just to tell me your fans are gossiping about us?”
I shook my head. “No… I don’t know. Just… thank you for not telling anyone. It’s not… I’m not proud of it, you know? And I know it would be the end of everything if people found out. I’m not an idiot.”
“The obvious question, then, is why did you do it?”
I had time to mull that over as the waitress deposited our coffee mugs on the table, but I couldn’t come up with any new answers. Just the same excuses and rationalizations I’d made to myself all along.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’ve been trying to come up with an answer to that. And I just don’t know. It’s not like I just woke up one day and decided that I wanted Zac. Or, actually, I guess it was. I mean, I didn’t have a crush on him for years or anything like that. It just happened. All the sudden, he was there, trying to get my attention and… I couldn’t tell him no.”
“You could have, though. You should have.”
“I know,” I replied, nodding. “Because it was wrong, and because… well, because of us. But you knew, Shay. You knew I wasn’t the relationship type. I’m not saying you brought this on yourself, but… I think I was fooling both of us, acting like I could actually do this. Actually be in a relationship and be faithful.”
“I think you could have proven yourself an unfit boyfriend without…” he trailed off with a shudder, and even though we were relatively alone, I was glad he hadn’t finished the sentence.
“Maybe,” I replied. “I wish I hadn’t at all. I wish I had been a good boyfriend. But I guess I’m just… not.”
“Or you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not, so you’ll jump on any opportunity to prove it,” he countered.
“The result’s the same, isn’t it?”
He shrugged. “I suppose it is.”
We drank the rest of our coffee in silence. After that conversation, I suppose neither of us had much of an appetite. I, for one, had far too much on my mind to think about eating. It made me sick to realize how reasonable Shay was being with me when I had been so horrible to him. I didn’t deserve it. I wanted to thank him for it, but I wasn’t sure how to say that without it seeming strange. The way he was staring down into his coffee let me know that the conversation was over; perhaps there was a limit to how nice he could be to me, and this was it. I took the hint, paid for my coffee and left.
Some of the others were still milling around outside the bus, but I ignored them all and headed straight to the back of the bus. I was pleased to see that it was empty—no frustrating little brothers in sight. I flopped down on the couch and thought about what Seamus had said to me.
Was it just some self fulfilling prophecy? Had I been so convinced that I was awful that I sought out a way to prove it to him?
I could see the logic in that, but I didn’t believe it. Yes, I knew I was awful, and no, I wasn’t surprised that I had cheated. But that theory implied that I had used Zac. It felt a hell of a lot more like Zac had used me. Was it possible we had used each other?
There were too many thoughts swirling around in my mind to make sense of them all. I knew I was getting close to something, but I wasn’t sure what.
I could have dwelt on those thoughts for longer, but footsteps heading toward the back of the bus interrupted me. I wasn’t surprised to look up and see that the footsteps belonged to Zac. He stopped in the doorway and stared at me for a moment, looking like he was considering his options. With a shrug, he stepped toward me, gave me a shove to the side and sat down on the small space of couch that he managed to clear. There was an entire other couch he could have chosen to sit on, but of course, Zac just had to find a way to get under my skin.
I pulled myself up to a sitting position, but found that even with all the coffee in my system, I didn’t really have that much energy. I ended up slumping against Zac’s side, not caring if that annoyed him. What was the worst he could do if it did? Try to black my other eye? To my surprise, he didn’t move at all. In fact, he relaxed a little against me.
We were close enough that I could smell the lingering hint of weed on him. It didn’t surprise me, but I did wonder just when he’d found the time to smoke. He was like a ninja with that stuff; it seemed he was always sneaking off somewhere to smoke this tour.
“Are you stoned?” I asked, knowing that I already knew the answer.
“A little bit,” he replied. “You look like you need to be.”
“Yeah? You wanna help me with that, then?”
Zac turned his head toward me, bringing our faces uncomfortably close together, and raised an eyebrow. After a moment, he gave me a little nod. “Yeah, alright. I’ve got a little bit left.”
I moved aside so that Zac could reach into his pocket and pull out a tiny, almost entirely smoked joint. The end was completely black, and I watched with fascination as he held the lighter to it and sucked in deep hits that brought it to life. I didn’t know why Zac was being so nice to me, but I didn’t dare question it. He held out the little roach and I tried to ignore the way our fingers brushed as I took it from him. I closed my eyes as I took a hit to ignore the way he stared at me.
There wasn’t much left of the joint, and it didn’t take us long to finish it. That was alright, though. I didn’t smoke as much as Zac, so it didn’t take much for me to feel the effects. I slumped against his side more readily, not caring if it bothered him or what anyone would think if they saw us. He was comfortable but strong and sturdy, and I needed that. I let my eyes fall closed as Zac turned on a video game and began to play, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was still there, clinging to his side like a leech.
The pot was just a temporary fix, I knew. It wouldn’t solve any of my problems. I could see why Zac liked it, though. Right then, I felt nothing. None of the problems that had plagued me for days, none of the thoughts Shay had forced into my mind… none of it mattered right then. Nothing hurt.