Truth
Shay didn’t speak to me again for the rest of that day and most of the next. He spent most of his time, when he wasn’t busy rehearsing or performing, sitting alone and scribbling into a notebook. I knew the look on his face all too well; I was a musician, too, after all. He was writing a new song, and I had no doubt that it was about me. I figured I deserved that. After what I’d done, I deserved a million songs written about how awful I was. I was reasonably certain that at least a few albums’ worth already had been written about me by others, so why not let Seamus have his turn, too?
I wondered how we were going to tell everyone that we were over, but I was pretty sure that they would all figure it out on their own. Shay made a pretty big show of removing the various clothes and things of his that had collected in my bunk, and returning everything of mine that had found its way to his. It felt like everyone on the bus had gathered to watch the show.
Isaac glanced my way across the bus’s small booth and raised an eyebrow. “Something you wanna tell me?”
“No, in fact, there’s not,” I replied, making a show of pulling my book up higher to shield my eyes from his judgmental stare. “I have absolutely nothing that I want to tell you.”
“How many weeks has it been? Two, three? That’s pretty fast, even for you.”
“Thank you for that little recap.” I rolled my eyes and stood up, hoping there were still a few beers on the bus. I didn’t care that it was early in the morning and we were on the road. I needed a drink. Unfortunately, all I could find were sodas. Just my luck. I popped the top on a Dr. Pepper then glanced back at Ike. “Are we done here, or would you like to remind me again just how awful of a person I am?”
He blinked, then shook his head. “No, I guess we’re done.”
I plopped back down in the booth, because I really didn’t have anywhere else to go and hide from him, and sighed. I already had a feeling that it was going to be an awful day, and it had barely begun. If I lived through the concert that night, I was pretty sure it would be a miracle.
If Seamus was avoiding me, then I was doing the same to Zac. I didn’t know what else to say to him. Like my apologies to Shay, his apologies to me just fell flat. I knew it was more my fault than his, anyway, so it just didn’t matter that he was sorry. What could it possibly fix to keep repeating those two words over and over? Not a damn thing.
After soundcheck, I hid in the shadows backstage, avoiding everyone. I hated to brood and pout before a concert, because it never boded well for my performance, but that night, I just couldn’t help it. I would have been perfectly content not to see another person before I absolutely had to—that is, before our show began. Even then, I hoped to stay in my own little world as much as possible. I wanted to absolutely lose myself in the music. It was the only thing I had left, my only solace at all for the rest of the tour.
Shay passed by my little hidden corner on his way to take his spot on stage, and although he glanced my way, he didn’t say a word. It was so dark that I couldn’t really tell if he even saw me at all. If he did, his silence spoken volumes. I wondered if he would ever speak to me again for the rest of the tour. If he did, I was sure it was more than I deserved from him. It wouldn’t have even mattered to me if he only yelled and hurled obscenities at me. Any words at all from Seamus would have been fantastic. Anything at all would have been far better than his silent treatment.
I couldn’t stop myself from hanging around to watch him perform. Even though we were over, I was still a moth to his flame. I found a new but still secluded spot with a better view of the stage, prepared to spend the next hour absolutely torturing myself with the sights and sounds of Seamus Lane. I could only watch him, not touch. I could hear his voice and know that it would probably never be directed at me again. It was torture, for sure, but I deserved it.
“Hey,” a voice said out of the darkness and I jumped. I blinked until my eyes adjusted and I could make out the oh-so-familiar form of my little brother.
“What do you want?” I nearly snapped, the anger in my voice surprising me, although Zac barely flinched.
“Haven’t seen you for a while,” Zac replied. “I’ve been looking for you, that’s all.”
“Why? Did you need something?”
He sighed. “No, I guess not. I just… I just wanted to make sure we were okay.”
“We are so many things, Zac, but I don’t think okay is one of them.”
“Well, are you okay?”
I stared at him. Did he really expect me to be okay right then, or ever again?
“Okay, stupid question,” he said. “I just don’t know what else to say.”
“Neither do I,” I replied. “I’m not sure there’s much to be said about it all, really. We fucked up, Zac.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “We did.”
The song Shay had been playing faded out into silence, quickly followed by applause. I glanced back at the stage. He was fumbling around in his pocket for something, which he laid out on the stool next to him before turning back to the audience.
“This is a brand new one, but I thought I would try it out on you guys. How about that?”
The audience cheered, but my stomach turned. I knew without him saying anything more that the new song would be about me. I didn’t even realize that I was shaking until I felt Zac’s steady hand on my back. A part of me wanted to shake him off, but the rest of me didn’t have the will to start another fight. I took a deep breath and mustered up all my courage as Shay began to strum his guitar.
Breaking your back to cover your tracks,
Did it for love or something like that,
I don’t know who to believe,
In so many words you try to explain,
How many times can the story get changed,
I don’t know who to believe.
And what’s between us,
Just won’t add up.
Oooh, give me some believable doubt,
Why should I believe in you now,
From what I see, yeah,
You call yourself an innocent man,
Tell me ’bout the blood on your hands,
I wanna hear, oh, wanna hear the truth from you.
The devil’s talking to me as you fall on your face,
Angel beside me saying I should be taking your place,
I don’t know who to believe,
There’s a criminal part to everyone’s heart,
Outside’s clean and the inside’s falling apart,
I don’t know who to believe.
And what’s between us,
Just won’t add up.
Oooh, give me some believable doubt,
Why should I believe in you now,
From what I see, yeah,
You call yourself an innocent man,
Tell me ’bout the blood on your hands,
I wanna hear, oh, wanna hear the truth from you.
Walk away, you’re free to go home,
Walk away now.
I fell back against the wall, and Zac was there to help it hold me up, his arm snaking between me and the wall to land on my lower back. I still wanted to shrug him off, but I couldn’t. It took all of my energy just to keep standing. Every word Shay had sung held the truth. I was so, so guilty, and I should have known I wouldn’t have been able to hide it. Now he knew the truth and he saw me for what I really was.
For the first time, I saw me, too, and I didn’t like me at all.