Ruin
Before it even began, I knew the next day wasn’t going to be a pleasant one. We had a long drive ahead of us to get into Chicago early that morning for a radio promo thing. That meant two things. One, I didn’t get to share a hotel room for the night with Seamus and have the privacy that afforded us. Two, I wouldn’t get to see him very much the next day either.
I was not happy about either of these two things, but no amount of puppy dog eyes could convince Bex that I really didn’t need to be at the radio thing. Surely they could do it as a duo, right? For some unfathomable reason, she didn’t agree.
We had to be at the radio station far too early, which meant waking up even earlier. And that meant that I didn’t even get to see Seamus in the morning. He was still happily snoring away in my bunk when Bex came around to wake us all up, and I just couldn’t bear to disturb him. It was a tiny little kindness in light of everything awful I’d done, really. He might not realize until he woke up later that I’d even done it for him, but it made me feel better.
Before heading to the radio station to set up, we had a quick breakfast at some diner down the street. I didn’t expect anyone to be particularly talkative that early, but it still seemed to be the quietest meal I could ever remember eating in my entire life. I noticed that Zac made a point of sitting at the opposite end of the table, as far away from me as he could possibly get. I really didn’t know what point he was trying to make, but whatever it was, everyone seemed to notice. Even Isaac shot me a raised eyebrow as he watched Zac sit down and pretend I didn’t exist.
It was awkward as hell, but if we could have just gone on pretending that the other didn’t exist, things would have been so much easier.
After breakfast for all of us and our crew, there was barely time to do anything else before we had to be at the radio station. Sometimes I could swear that time just speeds up when we have things to do, and there’s never enough time for everything we’re supposed to get done. There’s got to be some complicated scientific theory to explain it.
The good thing about being so busy, though, was that it made it easier for Zac and I to avoid each other without it seeming strange. Everyone else was too consumed with whatever they were supposed to be doing that they didn’t really pay attention to all this awkwardness between the two of us. They didn’t notice that we only spoke when we absolutely had to, and even then, most of our words for each other were filtered through Isaac first. I’m sure he picked up something weird, but like Shay, he didn’t even know where to begin to explain what he was seeing. Besides, it wasn’t like Ike wasn’t used to me and Zac being strange – though, perhaps not this strange.
At the risk of sounding bitter, these radio things are really all the same and more often than not, totally boring. Few of the DJs have kept up with our career, so we’re forced to spend the majority of the interview catching them up on things that truly aren’t important before spending the tiniest amount of time possible actually talking about the music we’re there to promote. It gets very, very tedious, but I always try my best to answer their questions and be as charming as I possibly can.
This particular interview proved itself to be no different from the rest. At least we actually had room to set up some semblance of an acoustic performance. That was the one high point of it all; it meant we could put on a good show for them and I had plenty of things to distract myself with when the interview got boring. I’m sure randomly playing with my shakers was annoying, but no one besides Zac glared at me for it, and Zac seemed to be glaring at me for everything I did, so I didn’t really put much stock in his opinion.
“Now, which of you is married?” The DJ’s voice cut through my thoughts.
“Just me,” Isaac answered. “Married, and I have two kids. The other two are, uh, still on the market, though.”
Before I could think better of it, I cleared my throat and spoke. “Actually, I’ve been seeing someone.”
Suddenly, every eye in the room was on me. I didn’t realize I was dropping such a bombshell, but it certainly seemed that way. Everyone in our band and crew knew about me and Seamus. Did they not expect me to admit it? I didn’t like the implications of that. Even worse than that was the way Zac was staring at me. I couldn’t place all of the emotions in his eyes, but I could definitely make out a lot of anger. I had to look away quickly, so I turned back to the DJ who I was pretty sure had asked something that didn’t entirely register with me.
“Yeah, it’s umm… sort of a new relationship, so I don’t want to say a lot about it, but… well, we’re really happy.”
I could have been far more eloquent, I’m sure, if I’d had more time to think about what I wanted to say. It was too late to go back and undo it, though. For a spur of the moment decision, I thought I’d played it off pretty well. So why did it feel so bad? I could feel Zac’s eyes boring into me for the rest of the interview and even though the performance. He beat his drum like he was in a fist fight with it, and I couldn’t help assuming he wished the drum was my face.
I was beginning to think that I really just wasn’t allowed to be in a relationship. Every time I tried, I fucked it up and everyone ended up hating me – even people who weren’t actually part of the relationship. I just ruined everything for everyone.
The actual performance part of the appearance went by quickly. We only played the new single and a few other random tracks from the album; to my surprise, no one insisted that we had to play Mmmbop. Aside from Zac staring and beating the hell out of his drum, we all made it through the little acoustic set unscathed. That was becoming more and more rare these days, so I had to breathe a sigh of relief after we finished the last song.
That relief, of course, was short lived.
I had only just made my way to the little table of refreshments the radio station had provided for us when I felt a presence behind me. It seemed to radiate anger, so I knew it had to be Zac. Sure enough, I turned around and found myself face to face with my little brother’s glare.
“Hey, Zac,” I said, attempting to be friendly, even though I knew it was pointless.
He grunted something that might have been hello or possibly fuck you and grabbed a bagel from the table. Since it seemed obvious that a conversation wasn’t going to happen, I turned my attention to pouring myself a coffee.
“You know what I liked best about your little announcement?” Zac asked.
I turned slowly to face him, raising an eyebrow.
“The part where you totally ignored what the DJ said about the lucky lady.”
Had he really said that? If he had, I didn’t hear it at all. I just stared at Zac, certain that he had more to say. Surely he wasn’t finished yet.
“Did you tell Shay you were going to tell the world about him?”
“I didn’t,” I replied. “I mean, I didn’t tell him, no. But I didn’t exactly tell the world about him either, did I?”
“Why not? Are you ashamed of him?”
I blinked. Where the hell had that question come from? I cleared my throat. “No, of course not.”
“I guess you wouldn’t be ashamed of him, would you?”
It was cryptic, like nearly everything Zac said these days, but I had a feeling I knew what he was referring to. I just didn’t know how to reply. Of course I was ashamed of what we kept doing. How fucked up would I have to be to not feel awful for sleeping with my brother? It didn’t seem to change anything, though; no matter how bad I felt, it kept happening. But not anymore. I couldn’t handle what it was doing to him and to us.
“I guess not,” I finally replied.
Zac stared at me for a moment, like he was searching for some other answer or explanation, but I didn’t have one for him. I knew I should say something, though.
“Look, Zac,” I said. “I think you need to just accept that I’m with him, okay? That’s how it’s going to be. Whatever’s happening here… it needs to stop.”
Zac’s eyes narrowed. “Right. It should have never happened in the first place. Isn’t that right?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Well,” Zac said, stepping in closer to me. I backed up instinctively, fearing he was going to hit me. Instead, he just stared me down and spat, “then you ought to remember that you’re the one who started it.”
Did he think I didn’t know that? Every time I hated him for everything we had done, I hated myself even more because I knew I really had started it. A stupid drunken mistake that I had all but forgotten about had eaten away at Zac for years until, finally, it turned him into this person staring at me, this person I didn’t recognize at all. I wanted my brother back, but I knew I was the reason he was gone.
“Are you guys alright?”
It was Isaac. My knight in shining armor, even if he didn’t quite realize it. There was a smile plastered on his face that suggested he had no clue of the depth of the argument he’d just interrupted.
“Yeah,” I replied, taking another step back from Zac. “We’re fine.”
“Right,” Zac replied through gritted teeth. “Just peachy.”
Isaac stared back and forth between the two of us, obviously trying to judge how truthful we were being. After a moment, he shrugged and walked away. Either he decided that we were going to fight whether he intervened or not, or he decided that he just didn’t care. Whichever it was, it was fine by me. The last thing we needed was Isaac sticking his nose into the mess we’d created.
No. The mess I’d created.
I turned back to Zac and sighed. “Look, I’m really sorry that… all of this has happened. And I really think it would just be best if we stopped it all.”
“Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before,” Zac replied.
“I know, but we can still –”
“No,” he cut me off. “I really don’t think we can. You don’t get it.”
“I guess I don’t, but you haven’t really tried to help me understand.”
Zac’s eyes narrowed as he stared at me. He opened his mouth to speak again, then closed it and shook his head. “Just forget it, Tay. Just fucking forget it.”
If only he knew how much I wished I could, how much I wished we could both forget everything that had happened between us. It was too late, though. Once again, I had ruined everything and everyone, and there was no way to fix any of it.