Fans
The concert that night was incredible, and I credited that to making up with Shay just a few hours beforehand. I didn’t know how our relationship was going to continue to hold itself together, but for that night, I was glad that it was. I felt refreshed and ready to dive into my performance like never before. Even Zac didn’t seem as angry as usual; everyone was on and the show was just perfect.
That energy followed us all off stage, too, where Shay was waiting in the wings to sweep me up into his arms. At the moment, I didn’t give a single fuck whether or not anyone saw our public display of affection. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, kissing him as he spun me around. It was perfect. Cheesy, but there was no other way to describe that feeling.
If Zac saw us and got angry again, I didn’t notice. I was off in my own little world with my boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
It felt so wonderful to still be able to think of him that way. I almost had to laugh at myself; just a few weeks ago, I never would have imagined myself wanting to apply that title to anyone. Yet there I was, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t forfeit the title. I didn’t know how things had changed so quickly, but I was surprisingly glad that they had.
Despite the fact that some parts of my behavior hadn’t changed, I was starting to feel like a new Taylor.
After our little impromptu makeout session by the side of the stage, Shay and I made a detour to the green room for a few beers. I figured that after a show that good, they were well deserved to aid in the celebration. We took our time with our beer and pizza, just enjoying each others’ company. Even in a crowded room, it felt like we were the only two people there. For all that I noticed anyone else, we might as well have been.
I was on my third beer before I even considered leaving the green room. I was still on such a high from the concert that I almost didn’t want to leave the venue at all. Leaving meant that a perfect night was over. Who knew what they next day, or even the next few hours, might hold? Why couldn’t Shay and I just stay right there, where things were perfect and the world was full of beer and pizza?
Obviously I knew that was irrational, so when he started gathering up his things to leave, I reluctantly followed suit.
Most of the others had already made their way out of the venue, although there were still people milling around, packing everything up for the night. With our backpacks, but sadly without our beers, Shay and I made our way through the venue toward the back door that lead to where the bus was parked. We weren’t very well isolated from the fans the way that this venue’s parking lot was set up, but I had a little bit of a buzz going, so I didn’t really care.
It wasn’t one of my smarter moments.
I don’t know what Shay was thinking, but he didn’t loosen his grip on my hand even after we were outside, where I immediately heard the voices of chattering fans. I was pretty sure that Zac was already signing autographs, but I was also sure that wouldn’t matter to any fans who happened to spot me. They would want my autograph, too, and I couldn’t really refuse them. I hadn’t spent nearly enough time with the fans this tour and I knew it.
“Got a Sharpie?” I asked Shay, then nodded my head toward the fans.
Rather than dig through his own bag, he reached into mine, pulling out a black Sharpie only a moment later. I don’t know how he knew right where to find one, but evidently, he did. Sometimes I thought he might actually be inside my brain, but if he truly was, I didn’t think he would want anything to do with me.
With the Sharpie in hand, I knew I had no good reason left to procrastinate. A few of the fans had already spotted me and were calling out to me. I glanced back at Shay and he just chuckled and shrugged. That wasn’t very helpful. At some point during the search for a marker, I suppose, he must have let go of my hand. I suddenly noticed its absence and I didn’t like it. At the same time, I didn’t feel particularly comfortable with the idea of walking right up to the fans with my boyfriend’s hand in mine. That was a step I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to take. So, without his comforting presence, even though he stayed a few steps behind me, I steeled myself and walked toward the crowd of fans.
I don’t know if Shay really knew what to expect from our fans or not; as far as I was aware, this was the first time he’d joined in with the after concert fun. He didn’t really have that many fans of his own, at least not the sort who hung around for autographs and pictures, so I had a feeling this was all pretty new to him.
It didn’t take long for my fans to latch onto him, though. I’d only just begun signing the various CDs, posters and things they were shoving at me before a few of them decided to flock to him instead. I wanted to listen in on their conversations, but I couldn’t do that and concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I kept finding myself distracted when I should have been listening to what a fan was saying to me, and I knew they could all tell something was off about me. I’m sure they didn’t appreciate that I wasn’t giving much attention to their stories, but I had my boyfriend to worry about. Of course, he seemed to be holding up just fine, laughing and smiling at whatever some fan had just said to him.
I lose all sense of time when I’m signing autographs. It felt like it could have been five minutes or two hours, but eventually, the crowd began to thin out. As the crowd thinned, I had a better view of Seamus. I could overhear the conversations going on around us a little better, too, now that there weren’t so many people chattering at once.
“Don’t they look cute together? Do you think they’re really…”
That one got my attention. I didn’t need to guess who they were talking about. The fact that my eyes were glued on Shay and I could feel a smile spreading across my face was a pretty good hint. It was the same stupid smile I felt take over my face every time I looked at him. I just couldn’t help it, and I was sure the fans were noticing.
I tried to tune them out as I continued to sign whatever was thrust at me, but it’s pretty obvious when all the people around you are talking about you. There’s just this certain prickly feeling you get, this weird thing that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. They must have sensed that I was paying attention, though, because it seemed as though they all lowered their voices at once. I could see them glancing back and forth between me and Shay, though, and whispering.
It had been nearly a decade since anything had made me feel so self conscious and uncertain about myself. It had taken me a while to accept myself, but once I did, I never looked back. Until right then.
Was I really having second thoughts?
I hated myself for it. I shook my head and turned back to the fans, plastering on a fake smile and continuing to sign whatever was handed to me. I hated that a few of them seemed to have picked up on my relationship with Shay. But worse than that, I hated how it was getting to me and making me question everything. I wasn’t like this. I wasn’t a nervous, insecure person. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me.
Or did I?
I hated this sudden indecision, but I didn’t know how to escape it, other than just running from the fans and hiding. But that wasn’t really practical, was it? Instead, I stuck it out, signing every last autograph, even though it felt like my world was closing in around me. When the fans eventually left Shay alone and he made his way back to my side, my situation only worsened.
I knew it was silly to let this get to me so much, though. That was the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely. That one little rational voice in the back of my mind, the one I so rarely listened to, was the only thing tethering me to reality and preventing me from running away screaming.
Of course, Shay’s presence was helping, too. It was strange that he could comfort me and be the cause of my problems at the same time, but that seemed to be the way it was. In a way, it made no sense at all, and in another way, it made perfect sense that he was part of what was tearing me apart. He stood close behind me, not touching but close enough that I could feel him with every tiny move I made, as I signed the last few autographs. I wondered if he had noticed the fans’ little stares and comments, but of course, I couldn’t ask him while we were still surrounded by them.
Finally, after what truly seemed like forever, the last remaining fan left with her freshly autographed CD. Zac still lingered a few feet away, and the fans who hadn’t left entirely seemed to be gravitating toward him. This was my chance to escape, I supposed. I glanced at Shay and he gave me a nod that said he was thinking the same thing. I wondered if he could read my mind and see just how much I’d been panicking.
He didn’t take my hand as we walked away, toward the bus, and I didn’t know what to make of that. Maybe it meant nothing at all. Maybe he did know how nervous the fans had made me and this was his subtle way of trying to help. I didn’t want to deny him, though. I didn’t want to hide. That seemed at odds with my desire to run away, but I knew that if one of the fans had actually asked, I would have told her the truth; that yes, he was my boyfriend. I might have been terrified, but I knew I was where I needed to be, in spite of that fear. I didn’t take his hand either, but I did inch a little closer to him as we walked along, enjoying the little comfort that closeness gave me.
The bus door had barely slammed shut behind us before Shay headed to the bus’s mini fridge and pulled out two beers. He held one of them out to me.
“I think we could both use another of these, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I replied, sighing.
Shay collapsed onto the couch with his beer. “Your fans, Tay… they’re something else.”
“Tell me about it,” I replied, taking a seat next to him and trying to resist the urge to just curl up in his lap. We might have been alone for the moment, but it still didn’t seem like the wisest idea.
“Well, since you insisted,” he said, chuckling. “They’re just… intense. I’ve never seen anything like that. Pretty sure they’re onto us, you know.”
“Oh, really? What gave you that idea?”
He only laughed. “Oh, nothing. Does it bother you that much that they know you’re… and that we’re…?”
I shook my head, but I could see that he wasn’t convinced. Hell, I hadn’t even convinced myself. Shay pulled me closer and I sighed. “I don’t know… I’ve never really been that open about my relationships before. Not that I’ve really had any relationships to speak of. It’s just new, you know? I’ve got to figure out how to deal with this. Usually they’re just speculating behind my back. It’s never been just… right there in their faces before.”
He nodded as though he understand, but I wasn’t sure if he really did. “Well, we’re not going to hide are we? I don’t think I’d like that. Not that I want to rub it in their faces or anything…”
“Of course not,” I said. “No, we don’t have to hide…”
I wanted to say more, though I didn’t know quite what. But whatever words I might have mustered up fell out of my head entirely when the bus door opened and I saw Zac. He didn’t take my breath away; it was more like being punched in the gut, really, and having all the air forcibly removed from your body. There was nothing romantic about it. It just hurt. The way his eyes bore into mine only made it hurt more.
Like a flash, though, he was gone, stomping his way toward the back of the bus.
Shay raised an eyebrow and all I could offer him in return was a shrug. I didn’t know exactly what Zac’s problem was right then, but I figured it was safe to assume that somehow I was to blame. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Whatever I had with Seamus might not have to stay secret, but this thing with Zac definitely did, even though it seemed that with every passing day, little pieces of the truth were seeping out.
It had to end. That was all there was to it. I had to stop it before the entire truth came falling out and the fans really had something to gossip about.