In The Details
It was starting to become very obvious to me just how inexperienced I was with relationships. There really wasn’t much I wasn’t experienced with, but actually relationships? Those would have been at the top of that very short list. The few I’d been in had blown up in my face and ended for very big and very bad reasons.
I’d always wondered how normal relationships ended. The sort of relationships where there weren’t any major problems – not that, of course, my relationship with Shay was one of those. But for all he knew at that point, it might have been. How did those sort of relationships, where the two people involved seemed compatible and happy, end?
It seemed, as far as I could tell, that the devil was in the details.
Even though it seemed like such a miniscule thing to argue over, my smoking seemed to have driven a huge wedge between Seamus and myself. I didn’t understand why he was so angry about it. Did he suspect that I was hiding something worse? He wouldn’t have been wrong. Out of sheer stubbornness, I wanted to smoke even more just to piss him off. I knew it was silly, and I knew I was so, so in the wrong, but it didn’t stop me from being upset that he was making such a big deal out of a few cigarettes.
I couldn’t help wondering if this was going to be how it ended, without him ever finding out about Zac. It seemed too easy, though, so I doubted this would really be the end. It was only the beginning of the end, only the beginning of
hay realizing I really wasn’t boyfriend material.
When we stopped late in the night for snacks and things, I couldn’t resist the urge to buy another pack of cigarettes. I rationalized it by reminding myself that my other pack had gotten soaked through and ruined in the sudden downpour, but I knew that I was mostly doing it to piss Seamus off. He didn’t come near me in the truckstop, but I could feel his eyes on me even across the aisles. I could feel his judgment. Whether it was for the cigarettes or not, I knew I deserved it. Why bother doing anything to dissuade him from hating me when he really had every reason to?
I made a point of leaning against the side of the bus, right next to the door where everyone could see me, and lighting up a cigarette. I was the first one in and out of the truckstop with my purchases, so I got to watch as everyone else made their way back and forth. Seamus raised an eyebrow at me as he passed, then shook his head. I knew he wanted to say something, but whatever it was, he seemed to think better of it before the words made it all the way to his mouth.
As I sucked in long draws on the cigarette, I knew that I was fucking this relationship up in every way possible. I just didn’t know how to stop myself.
Seamus and I slept in our own bunks that night. That seemed to be what happened when we were arguing in any way. It was a subtle thing, putting that little bit of distance between us, but it spoke volumes – not just to us, but to everyone else on the bus. I wasn’t surprised, when I stumbled to the front of the bus for my first morning cup of coffee, to see Zac giving me that same smug smile he’d given me the day before. He knew that he was driving me and Seamus apart, and he was loving every second of it.
I had to wonder if he even knew how much I wanted to punch him in his smug little face.
As always, I had to remind myself that punching him wouldn’t solve any of my problems. I still had no clue what would, though, besides never sleeping with him again. And I had a sinking feeling that wasn’t really a possibility.
All through the morning, as we made our way into Milwaukee, Seamus and I were hardly more than friendly to each other. I knew everyone had to see the tension. I wanted to reach out to him, to try to fix things, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know where to begin.
So, instead of fixing anything at all, I took my pack of cigarettes outside the venue and found what looked like a secluded spot to smoke.
I was halfway through my first cigarette when I heard a door swing open. I willed myself not to look that way to see who it was. Knowing my luck, it had to be either Zac or Seamus. It turned out to be the latter. Without a word, he leaned against the wall next to me, deliberately moving to the side where my smoke wasn’t blowing. The stupid spiteful part of my brain wanted to turn around and blow it in his face.
But that would be childish, right? With that thought in mind, I manage to restrain myself.
“I do really wish you’d quit that, you know,” Seamus said, but his voice held less contempt that I expected. It was soft and almost apologetic, so low and light that I wasn’t even sure I’d heard right correctly at first.
I sighed out a cloud of smoke. “Yeah. I know.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to,” he continued. “I just… wish you would. But it’s not my place to tell you what to do.”
“Isn’t it?” I tilted my head to the side, barely glancing at him.
“No,” he replied. “It’s not. You can do what you want. It’s… it’s kind of silly of me to get so upset about it, anyway, I suppose.”
“Is this an apology?” I couldn’t resist asking, even though I was quite certain that it was and that I didn’t deserve it at all.
“Yes. No. A bit, I suppose.” There was a slight smirk on his face as he said it, and I couldn’t help returning it.
“Well, I guess I apologize a bit, too.”
I wasn’t sure how that would go over, but luckily, Shay laughed. He honestly laughed. I let out a laugh of my own, a trail of smoke coming out of my mouth along with it. I watched it float off into the air, then tossed my cigarette onto the ground and stomped it out.
“I hope you know this doesn’t mean I’m quitting for good,” I said, casting a glance at Shay to see how he took that.
“Fair enough,” he replied with a shrug. “Whatever it means, I appreciate it.”
I took a big chance and inched closer to his side, not quite touching his body but still close enough to feel its heat on me. “So… does this mean we’re okay?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I suppose it does.”
My smile at that was so big that it was actually painful, but I didn’t care. I knew I should feel guilty for somehow managing to patch things up, however tenuously, but I didn’t. I was just happy that the little house of cards I had built was still standing. I reached for Shay’s hand and he gave it willingly, our fingers twinning together like that was exactly where they belonged.
I knew everything still wasn’t perfect. I was still a horrible person who didn’t deserve a guy like him. I was still lying to him. Our relationship still had far bigger problems than a little nicotine. But for the moment, those problems didn’t matter.
Of course, that moment couldn’t last long. Nothing good in my life ever could, it seemed. It was a lesson you’d think I would have learned long ago, yet I still found myself disproportionally angry whenever something came along to ruin a good thing.
The sound of footsteps and laughter fell upon my ears, and although it didn’t sound like anyone I knew, it still made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. After so many years, you develop a sort of fan radar. You can spot them a mile away – and they can spot you from the same distance, if not farther.
A group of them rounded the corner, and my natural instinct was to drop Shay’s hand, but he only tightened his grip on mine. What could I do? I felt stuck, like a deer in headlights. I had to remind myself that it wasn’t as though I’d ever made any attempt to hide my… relationships… from the fans before. I hadn’t thrown them in their faces, either, though. If they knew, they knew. If they didn’t, it was mostly their choice to stay ignorant of the gossip.
I had a big choice of my own to make right then, but it seemed Shay was making it for me.
One of the fans glanced my way and I could see the recognition and excitement flash through her eyes. She nudged another one, and that one glanced my way as well. From the distance, I couldn’t tell what they were saying, but to my surprise, none of them approached us. Instead, they just went on their way, giggling as they went.
I let out a huge sigh once they were out of sight. I felt awful for the sense of relief that flooded me; it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate or want to talk to fans, but sometimes – especially when I had just mended fences with my boyfriend – a little privacy was nice.
“Well, that was fun,” Shay said, chuckling. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that, you know.”
I let out a laugh of my own. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.”
He chuckled again and wrapped his free arm around me, pulling me closer to him. Our identical heights made it awkward to try to rest my head on his shoulder, but I didn’t care. I did it anyway, my lips just barely grazing the bare skin above the collar of his shirt.
“Reckon they’ll be talking about spotting us together?” He asked.
I sighed again, aware of the way it made him squirm when my breath hit his skin. “Probably. Who knows. If they saw our hands… but whatever. I’m not ashamed, you know.”
“Never said you were.”
I didn’t feel like pointing out that there were other things in my life that I was far more ashamed of than I was him. I still didn’t want to think about what would happen if he ever found about that. I had to hold onto hope that if we could get through these tiny little fights, we could find a way to survive the bigger ones, too. I didn’t really believe it, but it was all I had.