Guilty
Everything seemed to stop in that moment. We were all frozen on the spot, and I can’t speak for Zac and Seamus, but I’m not certain that I remembered to breathe for a good ten seconds. How could that even be happening? It was so ridiculous that I almost couldn’t believe my eyes, but no matter how longer I stared, the picture in front of me didn’t change.
Except for the look on Zac’s face.
Even though Seamus had pushed him away, a tiny little smirk formed on Zac’s face. The fucking bastard. He looked so smug. And Seamus? He just looked terrified. In an instant, I realized what had happened, but it didn’t really change anything.
And how could I explain it to Seamus?
I couldn’t; that was how. With that knowledge, I stormed out of the room, trying to look appropriately upset. It was easy enough; I was upset, after all. It just so happened that I was upset with Zac rather than with Seamus. Of course, Seamus didn’t know that yet, and if I could avoid it, he wouldn’t ever know.
I didn’t really know where I was going when I stormed out of the back of the bus. I just knew that I needed to get away from Zac before I punched him in the face. It would have been perfectly justified, but a little hard to explain. He still had a hint of a black eye from the Louisville show, anyway. As much as I wanted to make that a matching set, I wasn’t quite that cruel. Yet. I had a feeling he was going to drive me to it, though.
There were probably still a few fans milling about, so I steered clear of that area and headed back into the venue. Our crew was taking their sweet time loading out, so I wasn’t totally alone, but they were busy enough not to do more than mumble hello when I passed by. Good. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I just needed to get away and cause a scene for a while.
I had known, of course, that Seamus would follow me. It didn’t surprise me at all to hear his footsteps down the hallway, chasing after me. I wasn’t going to let him win that easily, though. I ducked into the green room, but didn’t lock the door behind me. He’d get there soon enough and then… well, I didn’t really have a plan for what I was going to say to him. I supposed I would have to wait and see how he chose to explain the scene I’d witnessed.
“Taylor?” He asked, rapping his hand against the door. “Can we talk?”
“Yeah, whatever.” I crossed my arms over my chest, even though he couldn’t see me yet. I was really good at this drama queen thing – possibly too good.
He took a few tentative steps into the room, but didn’t come near me. I supposed he didn’t think it was safe. I sort of felt bad for him; he must have thought I was really angry at him for kissing Zac. I highly doubted that it had happened that way, though. I trusted Seamus. But Zac and his little smirk? I didn’t trust him at all. There was no way that I could let Seamus in on the reality of what had happened, though. Once I had smoothed things over with him, however dishonestly, I could worry about bashing Zac’s head in. If I really let Zac have it, maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty for letting Seamus assume I was angry with him. I could only hope.
“Look, Tay,” Seamus said, then sighed. “I’m… I’m just really sorry you had to see that. I don’t know what has gotten into you brother, and I don’t want to tell stories on him, but you’ve got to believe me. He kissed me.”
I gave Shay what I hoped was a suitably skeptical look, then glanced away. He took a few steps closer to me, but still didn’t sit down next to me.
“Please believe me,” he said. “I didn’t want to kiss him. And if you hadn’t seen it, I would have told you about it. The guilt, you know. And I feel so guilty anyway, even though you did see it and I didn’t want it to happen. It’s just… so wrong.”
Well, that didn’t make me feel any better. He had no clue about the knife he’d just driven into my back and twisted. How could he? But every word he spoke about guilt only reminded me how awful I was for lying to him. There was no way he would ever understand what I had done with Zac. I couldn’t stop myself from groaning at the thought of it.
Seamus collapsed onto the coach next to me and reached for my hands. “Tay. Honestly, I never, ever wanted that to happen. I mean, your brother is… well, he’s not unattractive, but I didn’t even know he liked guys. I never would have made any sort of move on him. That was all him; you’ve got to believe me.”
I sighed, but didn’t look at him. “Yeah. I do. I believe you.”
“You do?” He asked. “You’re not… I mean, I’d understand if you were still angry.”
Of course he would. Because once again, he just had to be fucking perfect and remind me how awful of a person I was.
“I’m not angry,” I replied. “I’m just… frustrated, I guess. I don’t really know what to say.”
I have this real gift for using words but not actually saying anything. Sometimes the bullshit I spew amazes even me.
Shay scooted a little closer and sighed. “I know. Believe me, I don’t know what to say, either. I mean, is he even… is Zac gay? Not that it’s really any of my business.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what he is. Confused, I guess. But he’s… he’s been with guys before. I do know that.”
And I didn’t need Seamus to ever, ever know how I knew that.
“Oh, I see,” he replied. “Well, maybe he’s just… trying to figure things out. That can be tough, can’t it? You remember what it was like. I didn’t have any easy time of it, either. I kind of feel for the guy.”
Once again, Seamus was perfect, and I was a giant douchebag. What could I even say to that? I could only hope that he took my silence as agreement with that he’d said, but I really didn’t feel anything for Zac at the moment aside from contempt.
“Do you think… maybe you should talk to him?” Shay asked.
“I don’t even know what I would say.”
“He probably needs someone, though,” Shay said. “Like you said, he’s probably just confused. Talking to someone who’s been there would be good for him, wouldn’t it?”
I had to try really hard not to roll my eyes at that. Of course Seamus couldn’t know what was really going on in Zac’s mind – even I didn’t totally understand that – but I hated that somehow, what he did know made him feel sorry for Zac. I felt like it was my fault, too, for letting him think that Zac wasn’t just being a giant brat right now. But how could I explain that, anyway? I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
“Yeah,” I finally replied. “I guess… I probably should talk to him.”
“He’s probably still sulking on the bus, if you want to have a little chat with him right now,” Seamus offered.
Well, that sounded perfect. I doubted he was sulking, though. Gloating seemed more likely. Either way, I figured it was like ripping off a bandage. Might as well do it as soon and as quickly as possible. I gave Seamus a quick kiss, tried to ignore the lingering taste of beer and told him I would see him later.
There was a tiny part of me that, as I walked back to the bus, considered just turning around and leaving. I didn’t, though. Where could I go? Running away was ridiculous and would only create more problems, no matter how wonderful it sounded. Instead, I sucked it up and walked right back to the back of the bus, where I found Zac, as usual, curled up on the couch playing a video game.
“What the fuck did you do that for?”
That probably wasn’t how Seamus expected me to begin the conversation. Oh well.
Zac just shrugged and smirked.
“That’s not a fucking answer,” I said. “You kissed my fucking boyfriend.”
“You fucked me,” Zac replied with a shrug.
“I’m aware of that,” I replied, trying to keep myself calm. It wasn’t easy. “But do you want everyone to find out about that? Because I don’t. But if you pull little stunts like this, it’s going to be really fucking hard to explain what’s going on. You can’t just do shit like that.”
Zac’s brow furrowed and it looked like he was considering how to reply. In the end, he settled on complete silence.
“Look,” I said. “I don’t know why you’re upset. We agreed it shouldn’t have happened, didn’t we? I know it’s… it’s gonna be a while before things go back to normal, if they even can. But I’m trying to make this work with him. I just wish you would respect that.”
“Because you know so much about respect.” Zac snorted.
What could I even say to that? He had a point. It hadn’t taken me a week to cheat on Seamus. With my own brother, no less. I had no right to talk about what was right, normal or respectful. Surely Zac could at least see that he wasn’t doing either of us any favors by throwing tantrums, though.
“Just… please don’t do anything like that again, okay?” I practically pleaded. “If I’m going to fuck this up, then let me fuck it up. I don’t need your help.”
That only made him smirk more, and I really had to resist the urge to smack that particular expression right off his face.
“Sucks to see the person you love with someone else, doesn’t it?” He asked. “You might want to keep that in mind.”
“I don’t – ” I began, then clamped my mouth shut. With nothing more to say to him, I stormed out of the room.
I didn’t not love Seamus. But wasn’t it too soon to say something like that? Too soon to even feel it. I feared, though, that Zac hadn’t even meant that. Maybe he hadn’t even been talking about me seeing Seamus with him. Something told me that he too knew what it was like to see the person he loved with someone else.
That thought made me want to get as drunk as I suspected Zac was.
I’d barely made it to the front of the bus to grab a beer when the bus door swung open. I wasn’t surprised at all to see Seamus standing there. It was just that kind of night. He gave me a sheepish little smile and helped himself to a beer as well before speaking.
“Well, did you two have a nice chat?”
I shrugged. “We had a chat.”
“You can’t expect to solve all his problems overnight,” Shay said, casually draping himself across the couch. “It’s going to take time, you know? I’m sure he’s got a lot going on in his mind right now. It’ll take a while for him to sort out all his feelings.”
“Yeah. I guess it will.” I suddenly felt like the beer was a horrible idea. I stared down at it, afraid that if I took even one sip, I’d just throw it up.
“Hey,” Shay said, throwing an arm around me. “We’re alright though, aren’t we? You know I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I replied. “We’re fine.”
If I repeated that enough, maybe I would even believe it. If I couldn’t convince myself, though, what hope did I have of convincing Seamus?