Hell
I don’t remember a single thing about the concert that night. It was a good show, I think, but my mind was occupied with other thoughts. How could I focus on the concert at all when all I could see when I closed my eyes was Zac’s reflection in that mirror? Every time he sang, it sounded just like those soft moans I had caused him to make.
What the hell was I doing?
I had done plenty of things I wasn’t proud of over the years. I really had. What I had done with Zac hadn’t felt wrong at all – at least, not while it was happening. As soon as I left the stage and practically fell into Seamus’ arms, though, all the reasons why I was a horrible person came crashing down on me. Seamus was his usual cheerful self, showering me with compliments for a show well done, yet all I could think about was my brother.
I was definitely going to hell.
I wasn’t even sure I believed in hell, but if anything could persuade me to believe in eternal damnation, cheating on my boyfriend with my brother was definitely it. When we ran back onstage for our encore, I tried not to look Zac’s way at all. It was pointless. I could feel his eyes burning into me even without turning around. We ended the show with our traditional stage jump, and it was just my luck that I stumbled and rolled right into Zac’s side. He hopped right up and offered me his hand. It would have been a totally innocent move under other circumstances, but I could see something different in his eyes. I wondered if anyone else could see.
Seamus was still waiting right by the stage, ready to sweep me up into his arms, but I shrugged him off with little more than a quick kiss. I couldn’t be near him right then. I just couldn’t. I excused myself to take a shower, not even caring that I had already taken one that day. Maybe a second shower would wash the rest of my sins away.
The shower didn’t help at all, and because of my fantastic lack of foresight, I had to put the same sweaty clothes on just as soon as I got myself clean. Both mentally and physically, the shower had been totally pointless. I didn’t have the energy or desire to speak to anyone at all after that. After telling Ike that he and Zac could deal with signing autographs without me, I shoved all my stuff into my bag and hurried to the bus as quickly as I could, hoping that I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone else for the rest of the night.
As soon as I walked onto the bus, I headed straight for the refrigerator and pulled out one of the beers I knew was waiting on me there. We always kept the bus stocked up on two things – soda and beer. We were nothing if not predictable addicts. I popped the tab on the can and chugged half of it at once; there was no one around to judge me for it.
“Getting drunk, are we?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Seamus’ voice. Where had he come from? I spun around and saw him leaning against the door frame that separated the bunks from the front of the bus. I wondered how long he had been there and how he had managed to sneak up without me noticing. I supposed I had been caught up in my own mind, though.
“Yeah,” I replied, letting out a small chuckle. “I guess. Not really, though. Just… umm, thirsty?”
“I can see that,” he replied, letting out a chuckle of his own.
He stepped in closer to me and took the can from my hand, draining the rest of it himself. I couldn’t help watching his every move; even something as simple as drinking a beer managed to look absolutely beautiful when Shay did it. How could I possibly find any reason to want something – or someone – other than this gorgeous man in front of me? Yet… I did.
“So, what are we celebrating? Or forgetting?” He asked, crushing the empty can and tossing it in the general direction of the trash can.
I shrugged. “Who said we had to be celebrating or forgetting anything? Can’t a guy just want to have a beer?”
“I suppose,” he said, eying me carefully. I knew he didn’t buy it. I sounded far too defensive, because, well, I was.
“It’s just been a long day, that’s all,” I offered, hoping that was a better excuse than complete denial of any problem.
“That it has,” he replied, his face softening some as he took a few steps closer to me and threw his arms around my neck. “I don’t know how you can manage those walks and a full concert every day. What do you say we just go straight to bed?”
“Mmm, how about one more beer first?” I asked, not even caring that my voice was verging on whining. I hated that I actually dreaded the thought of curling up in bed with Shay like I had done nothing at all wrong that day and still deserved to lay next to him, but I did.
He sighed. “I suppose, if you want… a little buzz might put you to sleep sooner. We’ve got a bit of a drive tonight, don’t we?”
“Don’t remind me. Please,” I replied, laying my head on his shoulder. My voice a little muffled, I added, “I just need a fucking day off.”
That was a lie, though. A day off meant a day to spend entirely with Seamus. While that would at least get me away from Zac, it didn’t really seem to matter. He would still be right at the front of my mind no matter what. A full day with Seamus just meant a full day spent feeling like shit for cheating on him.
Just then, the bus door clicked open and the sound of voices carried to where we stood. I turned my head and saw that, not surprisingly, one of those voices belonged to Zac. I turned back to Seamus before Zac could look my way.
“On second thought,” I said, “how about we go to bed now?”
He must have read some innuendo into my words, because his eyes sparkled as he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway toward his bunk. As long as he didn’t guess my real reason for wanting to put plenty of distance between Zac and myself, I didn’t really care what Shay thought I was implying. Anything but the truth was fine by me.
He pulled the curtain between the two sections of the bus, but it was hardly necessary. No one on this tour was especially shy about changing in front of each other since, except for Bex, we were all men. And I was pretty sure that after six years of touring with us, Bex had seen enough disgusting and potentially scarring sights that nothing really bothered her at all. Still, I didn’t mind having a curtain between me and everyone else when Seamus decided to start stripping my clothes off right in the middle of the hallway.
My mind was elsewhere, though, and it didn’t take Shay long to notice. He stopped kissing my neck and pulled back, one hand still resting on my hip. Frowning, he asked, “You really are tired, aren’t you?”
“Yeah… I guess I am,” I replied absolutely unconvincingly. “I’ll make it up to you tomorrow?”
“We don’t have to have sex every night, you know. You needn’t apologize for an off night or two.”
He was perfect. That’s all there was to it. My boyfriend was absolutely perfect and forgiving and I was a horrible human being. How couldn’t he see that? It was only a matter of time before he realized that he deserved so, so much better than me. When he did, I wouldn’t blame him at all for leaving me. He would be a fool not to.
“Is something wrong?” He asked, tilting his head to the side a little.
I shook my head. “No… just tired. Let’s get some sleep, okay?”
“Alright,” he replied, but I could see that he wasn’t done with the conversation. For the moment, though, he dropped the subject and stripped out of his own clothes before peeling back the bunk’s curtain for me. Like I said – he was perfect.
He didn’t speak another word until we were both settled into the bunk, our bodies curled around each other like they were made to fit together that way. I hoped that he would forget about my weirdness entirely and just go to sleep, but of course I couldn’t be that lucky.
“So, what’s going on in your mind tonight, Tay?”
“What do you mean?” Feigning innocence wouldn’t work, I knew, but it might at least buy me some time.
“I mean, you just seem a little… off. For someone who seems so cocky, you can really be a nervous wreck, you know.”
“Is that right?” I asked, knowing that it was. The confidence was an act that I had perfected so long ago that sometimes even I forgot that it was just that – an act. But around Seamus, all my defenses fell away and I turned back into a stupid, clumsy, utterly hopeless teenager.
“It’s cute, though,” he replied. “One of your more endearing qualities. Of which there are many.”
“Sure there are,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“That,” he replied, poking me between the eyes to punctuate his statement, “is not one of them.”
I chuckled, and so did Seamus. It only lasted a moment, though, and then he was staring at me again, waiting for me to explain myself.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know I’m just weird. I haven’t really… let myself feel anything for a long time, you know? I just bottled everything up and avoided any kind of situations or relationships or whatever that would really let any of those emotions out. So now they’re all kind of coming out at once.”
It was the truth. It was probably the truest thing I had said to him in several days, even if it wasn’t the entire truth. That was something he could never, ever know. He might be understanding and forgiving, but I was certain that even he had a limit.
“I know, baby,” he replied, leaning in and kissing the tip of my nose. “But you’re not doing half as bad as you seem to think you are. It’ll take time, you know? To get comfortable with everything. Luckily for you, I am a very patient man.”
With another quick peck on the lips, he rolled over onto his side and settled into my arms. It was official. My boyfriend was a fucking saint. And me? I was laying there wondering what it would feel like to have Zac curled up in my arms like that. He wasn’t as thin as Seamus or as tall, but I had a feeling he would feel just as wonderful.
Yeah. I was definitely going to hell.