Carrick
Zac Hanson was going to be the death of me. There had always been a kind of unspoken tension between us, but I didn’t think he’d ever act on it, and I wasn’t lying about not being into married guys. Still, to say I’d never thought of it would be bull. Even before I’d started reading about us, I’d been able to appreciate how attractive he was.
I wasn’t in love with him, though. He had his issues, that was for damn sure. He could be an ass sometimes, and he had a bad habit of forgetting that other people mattered. He wasn’t a jerk on purpose, though, so I usually put up with the bullshit. A couple of times I’d had to walk away before one of us got punched, but I always came back. Part of me hated that he knew I would.
It’s hard to call someone a narcissist when you tend to prove them right.
But now things were changing, and I didn’t know if I liked it. I’d always put up with him because he’d been my best friend since we’d first met. If that changed, if feelings grew too deep, I didn’t know if I’d have the same patience.
I could have told him no. Maybe I should have. But if he and Kate really were splitting up, and I had a chance to find out where things could go…
I wasn’t in love with him, but sometimes it felt more like a conscious choice. Why fall for someone you can’t have? Now that it seemed like I could, curiosity, as well as whatever feelings I did have for him (I’d never stopped to analyze them) were taking over.
Breaking up with my girlfriend wasn’t all that difficult, which kind of hurt. I’d expected her to be upset, maybe not cry, but at least act like I was hurting her. Not that I wanted to hurt her. I just wanted to feel like I mattered. But she took it calmly, almost like she’d been expecting it. Sure, we hadn’t been together that long, but six months isn’t nothing, either. Still, it was probably for the best that it went so smoothly. I just hoped Zac ended up being worth it.
After I got off the phone, I really wanted to talk to him about it. I looked around backstage, but he wasn’t there, so I thought I would check the bus. Tay was sitting at the table, on his laptop as usual, but I walked past him to the lounge, sure Zac would be playing one of his games. No luck, though, and he wasn’t in his bunk either. Reluctantly, I headed back into the kitchen area.
“Hey Tay, you seen Zac around?”
“What?” he said, looking up like I’d startled him. “Oh. Zac. He…” Tay closed his laptop and chewed his lip, leaning his head back. “I think he said him and Andrew were going out for lunch? I forget where, though. Sorry.”
“It’s no big deal.” There wasn’t any hurry. I would see him later, before our shows, and it wasn’t a time-sensitive conversation, anyway. I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and sat down across from Tay. “So what’s up?”
“Oh, not much,” Tay said, sipping on a nearly-empty Starbucks drink. “Just doing some stuff online. Hey, how’s Liz?”
I almost coughed out my drink at the mention of my now-ex girlfriend. He tilted his head at me, and I shrugged my shoulders and looked away.
“We’re not… We split up. About an hour ago,” I added with a snort.
“Oh… I’m sorry, dude. What happened?”
“We, uh…” I shifted in my seat, scrambling for an excuse. I didn’t want to bad-talk her, but I didn’t want to admit the truth to Tay yet, either. I didn’t even know what Zac and I were yet; there was no way I could explain it to anyone else. “Just wasn’t working out,” I finally offered. It was lame as hell, but it was all I had.
“That sucks. But hey, I’m sure you’ll find someone else,” he said, smiling. “I’m sure plenty of our fans would love to apply.”
We both laughed about that for a moment. Part of me wanted to tell him I already had someone else, but again, I didn’t know how accurate that was. I settled on a noncommittal shrug.
“We could hit the bar tomorrow night if you want. See what we can find for you.” Tay wiggled his eyebrows at me, and I chuckled, but shook my head.
“Nah, you know me. I’ll probably end up hanging out in the back with Zac all night.” I faltered for a second, but there wasn’t anything unusual about what I’d said, as far as I could tell. Still, Tay blinked, and his cheeks turned a bit pink. Suddenly I remembered what had happened the day we left Tulsa.
“Right…” he said, looking away.
“Tay, you know…” I paused, trying to choose my words. “The other day, we… it wasn’t what it looked like. You just… came in at the wrong moment.”
“Yeah, I… I know.” He nodded, but didn’t look all that convinced. “I mean, Zac’s straight. So it’s not like…” He looked away, still blushing and biting his lip. So I was the only person he’d told, or at least he hadn’t told Tay. As his friend, it was my job to keep his secrets. But depending on what happened between us, I wondered how long it’d stay a secret.
“Right.” We fell into an awkward silence for a few minutes. Tay opened up his laptop again, barely giving me another look; I finished my soda and tossed the can in the trash. “Okay, well when you see Zac, just…” I trailed off, realizing that I had no clue how to finish that sentence without looking desperate. But Taylor wasn’t listening anyway, already lost in whatever he was doing. I decided to head back to the lounge and blow stuff up for a while.
It was almost two hours later when Zac knocked on the door to the lounge and poked his head in, calling my name. I paused my game and set the controller aside.
“Yeah?”
“Um… hey,” Zac said as he stepped into the room, hands in his pockets. “Thought I’d find you back here. “
“Yeah, well… I was looking for you earlier. Figured you’d show up here eventually.” I gave him a smile to show I wasn’t upset. He flopped down next to me, close but not too close.
“Well I’m here now.”
“Yep.” I looked him up and down briefly, then looked away, clearing my throat. “I, uh… I talked to Liz.”
He gave me a blank stare – I couldn’t tell whether he didn’t know why I was telling him, or didn’t remember who Liz was. Honestly, the latter wouldn’t have surprised me.
“Oh…” he said as realization dawned. “Oh, you did?”
“Mhm. We…” I paused, giving a slight sigh. “Well, I had to break up with her. She took it okay though. Almost too well,” I added with a sad snort. I glanced at Zac, who was frowning and looking almost guilty.
“But it’s okay,” I went on, trying to smile. “For the best, right?” I let my hand fall to the couch, halfway between us.
“Yeah… Yeah, I guess so.” He glanced down, and for a moment I thought he was going to put his hand on mine. But after a couple seconds it was clear he wasn’t going to move, so I pulled my hand back.
“So, how are things going? With Kate I mean.”
“We haven’t…” Zac looked down, his hair hiding his eyes. I wished he could look me in the eye, but with such a sensitive subject, I could let it slide. “We haven’t really talked again. I don’t really know what’s happening but it’s… it’s not good.”
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, then snorted. “Well, I should be, anyway.” I gave a guilty smirk; as bad as I should have felt for his soon-to-be-ex, it was pretty difficult in light of our new… whatever it was between us.
“Yeah, well, I guess I should say the same about… What was her name, Liz?”
“Zac,” I sighed. “I know it’s easier to break up with a girlfriend than… Well I’m just saying, I know it’s gonna take some time. So if you wanna take things slow… That’s probably what we should do anyway, but I mean…” I huffed, frustrated at myself for not being able to voice my thoughts.
“But it’s not… it’s not what you want to do?” he offered, a hopeful smile on his lips. Damn him for being so adorable. He scooted a little closer and I eyed him, trying not to smirk. “I mean, I don’t know what… what to call or how to explain what’s happening here, but…can we just see how things go? And not label it or anything yet?”
There was sense to his words. It wasn’t like we could tell the world or anything anyway.
“I guess that makes sense,” I said, nodding slowly. I looked out at him, reached out to touch his hand. “Just wanna make sure I know where I stand, I guess. But… yeah. Okay.” I smiled as Zac fumbled to take my hand in his; he was trying, at least, which was as surprising as it was endearing.
“It just feels a little… wrong… to say I’ve got a boyfriend, while I’m still technically married.”
I closed my eyes for a quick moment, the word hitting me deep. “Yeah, I know. And you have to understand, there’s some stuff I just can’t… I just won’t feel right doing, while you’re still married. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just…” I sighed, looking away. “I already feel like a homewrecker as it is. A guy’s gotta draw the line somewhere.”
“I… I guess I understand that. As long as we’re together at all, I’m happy. Not that I don’t want… other stuff, too,” he added with a sheepish grin.
“So we are then?” I asked. “Together?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, biting his lip. “Yeah, I guess we are.”
I looked down, trying not to grin like a lovesick idiot. After denying having any feelings for him for so long, to know they were not only okay to have, but also returned… it was taking some getting used to.
“So,” Zac said, creeping closer. “If we’re together, then… this is okay?” He leaned in and brushed his lips against mine; I hesitated to kiss him back, wondering if he really understood my reservations. But he was here now, with me. Why not enjoy it? As soon as I kissed him back he tangled his hands in my hair, pulling me closer.
“So that line you were talking about?” Zac asked, pulling back and running a hand down my chest.
“Yeah?”
“Just trying to find it,” he answered, before grabbing my belt loops and falling back, pulling me onto him. I laughed for a second and shook my head.
“Don’t worry, I’ll let you know.” I let my eyes wander for a moment before finding the perfect spot on his neck, then leaned down and sank my teeth in.
“That’s what I was hoping,” he panted between whimpers. I pulled back just enough to plant a line of kisses along his neck and jaw. When I caught his eyes, I felt emotions bubbling up that were more than just lust. Whether Zac didn’t see it or just ignored it, I wasn’t sure. He grabbed my hips and ground his against mine, silently begging. I let out a breath, then leaned my forehead against his.
“Zac…”
“Y-yeah?” he breathed. I rolled to my side, squeezing between him and the back of the couch.
“Not that I’m not enjoying this, but…”
“But?” he echoed, pouting.
“Hey, none of that” I said, poking his lower lip. He snapped at it, grinning, and I rolled my eyes. “I just mean it doesn’t have to be just this.” I rocked my hips against him, just enough for emphasis, then looked back up at him. “You do know that, right?”
“I know…” he said softly, and I swore I saw his cheeks turn a shade of pink. “So maybe I’m just trying to make up for lost time.”
“Yeah. I know.” I thought about our past, and wondered how many opportunities we’d missed, how many chances we’d overlooked to have each other. Granted, he’d already been married when we met, but… still. His soft snort got my attention, and I looked at him.
“But maybe doing all of that on the bus isn’t such a good idea anyway…”
“Tay’s already suspicious, after the other day,” I told him. Zac fell back against the couch and groaned, and I had to laugh.
“Oh god. There are probably worse people to walk in on us, though.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “So we play it cool. And we lock the door. Although…” I moved closer, a wicked thought crossing my mind. “The idea of getting caught… kinda makes it hotter, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah… yeah it does.” The way Zac shivered spurred me on; he’d earned a little teasing.
“Knowing anyone could walk in?” I whispered in his ear.
“Mhm…”
“Being bad feels pretty good, doesn’t it?” I nipped at his earlobe, and moved the hand on his knee up to his thigh. He whimpered and nodded, and again when I squeezed his thigh. “You’ve never been that good at behaving though. Have you?”
“Understatement of the year.”
“I think that’s kinda what drew me to you, to be honest.”
“Is that so?” He asked, smirking up at me. I shrugged, kissing his neck.
“Guess I’m just a sucker for bad boys.”
“Lucky me,” he half-spoke, half-moaned, his back arching. I let my hand wander even further, just barely ghosting over the tent in his jeans.
“And then there’s all those stories…”
“Carrick,” he whined, his eyes fluttering shut.
“You know you’re a little fucked up, right?” I chuckled, continuing my torture.
“Just… just a little?” His hips bucked up slightly, but I moved my hand out of reach, giving his neck another bite.
“You should’ve told me, Zac. All those years…” I was definitely getting a kick out of teasing him, loving every whimper and squirm. But he was losing patience quickly; he grabbed my wrist and placed my hand exactly where he wanted it.
“Can we talk about that later? Or never?”
Something in me snapped, that hint of a dominant side flaring up. It was just like Zac, really, focusing on his own needs regardless of any connected emotions, his or otherwise. I snarled a little despite myself and snatched my hand back.
“You still think it’s all about you, don’t you.” I looked him up and down, thinking, then grabbed one of his wrists. “One of these days, someone’s gonna fix that.”
“You think so?” He tried giving me the puppy-eyed pout, but his eyes were dark and his breathing hitched. I arched an eyebrow, giving his wrist a tiny squeeze; he whimpered, but the hint of a grin told me what I needed to know. I kissed him hard, grabbing his other wrist. He struggled half-heartedly, but kissed me back deeply.
“Uh-uh,” I said, squeezing his wrists again. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Wasn’t planning on it,” he shot back, grinning.
“Hmm… what to do to you…” I looked him up and down, licking my lips. I really wasn’t that used to taking the dominant role, but then I’d never really been with anyone so willing to submit. Which was funny, considering how selfish and non-submissive Zac usually was. Maybe we just brought it out of each other. I decided to take both his wrists in one hand and pin them above his head, then ran my other hand slowly down his chest.
“Whatever you want,” he said, staring up at me with undeniable need.
“Whatever I want, huh? That’s a first,” I joked. But he nodded, biting his lip, his expression turning suddenly serious.
“Whatever you want.”
His tone was so sincere, so uncharacteristically honest, that it took me by surprise. But there were more… pressing needs at hand, so I smirked and leaned over him. “What I want, is for you to touch me.” I let go of his wrists and sat up, watching for his reaction. He blinked, surprised at the turn of events. But a moment later he was straddling my thighs, running a hand down my chest.
“Touch you, hm? Like this?”
“It’s a start…”
“Or like this…” He ran a finger along the edge of my waistband, and a shiver ran through me. He cupped the bulge in my jeans and squeezed gently, making me moan. “Maybe more like this?”
“Fuck…”
“Or… this.” He popped the button on my jeans and slid his hand in, gripping me through the thin cotton of my boxer briefs, and my hips bucked up in response. I supposed I’d earned this, but I could still make him pay.
“Goddamn it, Zac…” I gripped a handful of his hair and pulled him close, kissing him hard. He moaned against my mouth as he curled his fingers around my dick, still outside the boxers, and began to stroke. I reached between his legs, squeezing him through his jeans.
“Fuck, Carrick…”
I bit at his lip, getting my hands into his jeans and stroking him. For all I’d said about lines, I needed him, and he needed me. He laid his head on my shoulder, rocking his hips against me while trying to keep a rhythm with his hand. I needed more, though, so I pushed his jeans down his hips and pulled him into my lap, grinding our hips together. He moaned loudly as I kissed his neck; he was shaking, but trying so hard to please me.
I grabbed his wrists again and pinned them behind his back, pushing him back and into the couch as I rocked our hips together.
“Fuck, Carrick… Got me so close already…”
“Me too,” I agreed, kissing his neck. “God, Zac…” I pulled back just enough to tug my own jeans down, then leaned against him again, making him gasp. We moved frantically, desperate for release. “You gonna come for me, Zac?” I growled in his ear.
“Mhm… Soon… real soon.”
“You didn’t lock the door, did you…” I teased. I should have cared, but I was too far gone at that point. Zac gave a sheepish grin.
“Nope.”
“Tsk, tsk… Such a bad boy. Anyone could walk in and see you, see us, like this…” I ground against him harder and his head fell back as he moaned. It still wasn’t enough, though; I grabbed one of his legs and lifted it, positioning myself against his ass, our boxers the only thing separating us.
“Carrick!” he gasped. “I’m…”
“You want it, Zac?” I asked, biting his neck again. “You want this?” I pushed against him, the need almost painful. He nodded, whimpering, and I leaned over to whisper in his ear, as gently as I could.
“Come for me, Zac.”
“Oh, god…” His whole body trembled as he hit his release, and I followed a moment after, my head swimming and my vision going white.
We stayed like that for a while, I couldn’t possibly say how long, drawing heaving breaths as our heart rates returned to normal. Eventually I dared to look at him, only to see that he was grinning.
“I think we made a mess,” he chuckled.
I laughed, leaning my head on his shoulder and taking another breath. “You really are a little fucked up, aren’t you?”
“Mm, and what does that make you?”
I rolled my eyes, mostly because I had no clue how to answer. What did that make me? Dry-humping my best friend, who also happened to be married, into the sofa? I looked at him, leaning forward and kissing him gently. While it didn’t make me any less conflicted, it was comforting to know he was by my side… however fucked up we both were.