Slipping Away
September 5, 2007
We accomplish very little in the office that day, since Taylor doesn’t come back at all after storming out like the drama queen he often is. Isaac and I manage to perfect a few of the guitar parts and drum fills on some of the songs we had declared almost complete, thus taking them all the to complete. But without Taylor, there’s really not much else we can do.
Although I know that being totally without Taylor would truly be worse, there’s a certain horrible pain in having him so near, yet so far away. I had thought, from the way he looked at me when I woke up in the hospital, the way I know he sat by my side the entire time I was there, that things would be different now.
Yet, somehow, it’s driven an even bigger wedge between us.
When we’ve gone through an entire day without so much as a word from Taylor to let us know he’s okay, I decide to take matters into my own hands. I call his cell phone, but of course he doesn’t answer. I call his house, and Natalie tells me he’s busy. Not to be deterred, I call his cell phone one more time. It goes to voicemail and I muster up my courage to say all the things I wanted to say to him.
“Hey, Taylor. I know you’re ignoring me. And that’s okay. Ignore me as long as you want, but eventually you’re going to have to face whatever your problem is with me. And I think I know what it is, and I get that. Believe me, I do. If you’ll talk to me, I’ll tell you what I mean and you’ll either think I’m crazy – if you don’t already – or you’ll understand why I’m so desperate not to let go of what we have. I’m going to our old studio tonight, so if you want to fix this… just come over and talk to me. Please.”
I don’t know if he’s going to answer me or not, or if he’ll just show up without warning. I guess there’s really no way to predict what he’s going to do at any point in time. And right now, all I can do is just take a leap of faith of hope that my plea to him was enough for him to follow me.
For the rest of the day, I’m all on edge, thinking about what might happen in the evening. I know Kate can tell that something’s up, but she doesn’t mention it until she notices how quickly I’m shoveling dinner into my mouth.
“In a hurry?” She asks, laughing a little.
I shrug. “I’m going in to the studio tonight. Just anxious about it.”
“You’re working too hard lately, I think. You’ve not even been out of the hospital for two weeks.”
“We’ve got to get this album out, Katie,” I reply, trying not to take out my frustration on her. She’s right that I’m pushing myself, but I’ve got my reasons. “I’m doing fine. Even the doctors at the hospital keep telling me how quickly I’m recovering. Anyway, I’m hoping Taylor will come over tonight so we can talk things out…”
“Is he still being weird?”
I nod, trying to decide how much to tell her. Somehow, I think she really does know more than she lets on, if our last conversation was anything to judge by. “Yeah. Everyone has been weird to me, though. Even you, always worried that I’m pushing too hard. But Taylor’s been the worst. I don’t know. We’ll work things out. We always do.”
“You two are always like that, aren’t you? Hot and cold, I mean.”
“Yeah. I guess we are.”
She’s a perceptive one, and that’s something I sometimes forget. How could I ever doubt that she really does, on some level, know mine and Taylor’s secret? Maybe she’s just compartmentalized it away and learned how to deal with it, the way that Natalie has. I hope I don’t give her as big a burden to bear as Taylor has Natalie, though.
Now that I’ve managed to think myself into a depression, I suppose there’s nothing left to do but face my fears and head on to the studio. I figure we’ve made enough awful memories in our office lately, so instead this meeting, if it even happens, will be in our other studio at our parents’ house. It’s not neutral territory by any means, but it’s a little more private and a change of pace from where our last few arguments took place.
That is, assuming Taylor even shows up for this argument.
My stomach is twisted into knots for the entire drive there, and I feel like I could possibly lose that dinner I just shoveled into myself. Since I definitely don’t need any more food right now, I ease my car into the space in front of the garage instead of the main driveway, and head straight into the studio rather than the house. If I make it through the threshold of the house, mom will start throwing food my way and coddling me, and I’m really not in any state to handle that right now.
The studio is eerily quiet, so I know I can’t just sit there and wait for Taylor to maybe show up. I’ve got to get up and make some noise just to fill in the time and the awful silence. So, without much of a plan, I sit down at the piano and start to play Georgia. It’s the first song that pops into my mind, and before I really know what’s happening, my fingers are finding their way through it, although not quite as nicely as when Taylor played it.
I slip into a bit of a trance as I play. That happens sometimes, but usually not when I’m at the piano. I’m not all that good at it, so I usually need to really concentrate to keep from hitting some really sour notes. But my mind just seems to drift away from me. It’s a nice, floating feeling that I can’t help giving in to…
“Zac! Zac, wake up!”
The floating feeling stops, and it seems like all the air is sucked from my lungs, like I’ve just hit the bottom of a cliff. I gasp for breath and my eyes shoot open, to reveal Taylor leaning over me. I seem to have fallen into the floor, but I don’t remember when or how.
Taylor is staring down at me with so much concern written across his face, his hand gently caressing the side of my face. It’s a completely different Taylor from the one I’ve seen for the past few days. But, I realize, it isn’t really that different. He’s been so full of concern for me – my safety, my sanity, my needs. The only thing he ignored was my want – my need – for him. And if the way he’s looking at me now is any indication, he’s put his own needs and wants aside to do so.
“What happened?” I finally manage to gasp out, still feeling lost, confused and dizzy. I blink slowly, trying to bring him completely into focus.
Taylor heaves a sigh of relief. “I think you passed out. You were in the floor when I came in, and you were so still… I thought maybe you were…”
I reach out and touch the side of his face, trying to will him not to start crying. I can tell by the way his voice is trembling and his bottom lip twitching, that he’s going to cry if I don’t still his nerves soon. “I’m fine, Tay. I’m lucky this hasn’t happened more, but it’s not exactly weird to be disoriented and stuff like that after… after a coma.”
I imagine I would sound more reassuring if I could keep my own voice from shaking, but it kills me to see Taylor so worried and scared. He’s the one who always looked out for me and took care of me when we were younger, and now I’m seeing him try but fail.
“Are you sure? Maybe we should get you to the hospital,” he says, biting his lip and staring at me incredulously.
“No, I’ll be fine,” I say, pulling myself up slowly, so that I’m sitting in the floor and looking him in the eyes. “I’ll call my doctor tomorrow and see what he says, but I’m sure I’ll be okay now. Whatever happened, it’s passed. It’s over.”
He still looked unconvinced, but finally he replied, “Okay. If you say so. But let’s just sit here for a while to be sure, okay? No jumping up and banging on the drums or anything.”
“I didn’t just come here to rehearse, you know. I came here to talk.”
He nods, still caressing the side of my face. “I know. But I was thinking maybe we could work on that song… you know, Georgia?”
“The one that’s about your wife?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“You know that isn’t true.”
I nod. “I do. I just didn’t expect you to admit it so easily. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, Tay, but you’re a little stubborn.”
“Only a little? I’m improving,” he replies with a grin.
We sit there in silence for a while, but I don’t mind. The two of us are usually either so talkative or not speaking at all out of anger, that it’s nice just to sit and comfortably be near each other without saying a word. He wraps his arms around me and holds me close, like he’s afraid I’m going to leave.
I’ll admit, I’m a little afraid of it too, but I wouldn’t be leaving on purpose. In my memory of that other reality, I know that I slipped away in much the same way that I just did. There was no vision this time, no sense of flying away, but it still terrifies me. I can’t be leaving again. I can’t. I still firmly believe that was real, not a dream, but I refuse to accept that it’s possible I could go back there. This is the reality I want, especially now that I have Taylor back. I hold him closer, as if that might somehow stop me from passing out again and leaving him.
But I don’t pass out. I stay right there on the studio floor, holding Taylor close for the first time since the day I woke from the coma. I thought I missed him before, but I didn’t realize just how much until this moment. The way he feels in my arms, the way it’s always felt so right to hold him and be held by him… it’s perfect. It’s just absolutely, fucking perfect.
As much as I hate to end this moment, I have so many questions I need answered. With reluctance, I pull away so I can look Taylor in the eyes. “Tay? Why did this happen? I mean, why are you pulling away from me like this?”
“I’m not sure I even remember now,” he replies. “When I came in here and saw you like that, I forgot about being upset at all. And I wasn’t really upset with you. Well, I was, about the song, a little bit. That was private. I didn’t even think you could hear me when you were… in the coma. And I didn’t want you to know it was about you.”
“I’m sorry for stealing it from you. But you weren’t… around… when I took it. I know that doesn’t make sense.”
He shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t. And it doesn’t change the fact that it was something really private that you went snooping for.”
“If I tell you something, will you promise not to freak out and have me committed or something?”
“No, but go ahead and tell me.”
I take a long breath before diving into the story. “Okay. Maybe it was just a coma dream, because they don’t really know if people dream during comas or not, or what they might dream about if they did, but… well, it doesn’t feel like a dream. I don’t know. For what felt like weeks, I was in this weird place, where I just suddenly woke up – the day after my wedding, or so I thought – with part of my memory gone. I was a year ahead in time, on the exact day that I woke up in the hospital. Except I was in bed alone, at my house. And you were…dead.”
He stares at me wide eyed. “That really makes no sense.”
“I know. Well, it was just like reality, except you died in the accident and I wasn’t even there. Lots of things didn’t make sense, but then parts of this reality started to seep in until I was back in the office the night you decided we should hang out again, like old times. Remember?”
“Of course. I’ve spent almost three months regretting it,” he replies, looking away from me when he admits that.
“Well, that’s when I remembered what really happened, that I was driving the car, and then I went back to the night of the accident. Then I woke up in the hospital, and my memories were all mixed up but I did remember everything eventually. Everything about this world and… the other one. And I remember missing you so much, Tay. Kate had left me, too, and I didn’t have anyone. Everyone I loved was gone and… god, it was awful. Now I’m back here, but I still feel that pain, and you’re still pulling away from me. Everything should be okay now, but it’s not.”
When I finally finish the story, I have to stop and take a long, deep breath. It seems like all of that, especially the last part about my feelings, just came pouring out of me faster than I could even think about the words I was saying. It feels so good to finally have it out there, but it’s terrifying, too. Taylor’s just staring at me, and I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling, or what he’s going to say or do once he processes what I’ve told him.
“All of that felt real? Not like a dream? Are you sure?” He finally manages to ask.
“It felt so, horribly real,” I reply. “I mean, it felt wrong, too. Like something horrible and traumatic had made everything in my world go wrong. None of it made sense, but not in the way that dreams sometimes don’t make sense. I know it’s insane, but I can’t explain it any better than that.”
He runs a shaky hand down his face, then slowly begins to nod. “Okay. I don’t think you’re crazy, but… it probably was just a dream, you know? But if you believe it wasn’t, I’ll accept that. Because whatever it was, whatever happened, it obviously put you through exactly what I’ve been through. Maybe worse.”
I nod. “It was pretty bad. And there’s still this hole in me, you know? There’s something missing. And it’s you.”
“I’m not gone, Zac. I just didn’t think, especially after my stupid, reckless actions almost killed you, that we were a good idea anymore. And you seemed to have realized that a year before I did, anyway.”
“But I didn’t realize that. I thought we should be over, but after I lost you, really lost you, I knew I was wrong.”
“You never told me that.”
That one stuns me into silence. I know there’s a lot I’ve not shared with Taylor, like just how deep my feelings for him go, but I guess I always assumed that he just knew without me actually having to say any of it. I should know better than that, I suppose. How could he know anything if I haven’t told him? It seems so obvious. I finally manage to stutter out, “I thought you knew how I felt. I mean, I love you. More than I guess I should, but I can’t help that. I thought I wanted to be normal and I tried that, but it didn’t make things any better.”
“And you didn’t tell me any of that,” he replies. “Think about it from my point of view. You married Kate purely out of choice – a choice that I didn’t get to make for myself, by the way. It was a slap in the face. I know I was never… as good to you as I should have been, but I had no clue that was what you really wanted from me. And once you were married, I thought you wanted nothing from me. So that’s what I gave you. I’m sorry.”
“I think I can find it in myself to forgive you. If you promise me one thing.”
He offers me a small, hesitant smile. “What’s that one thing?”
“Don’t ever fucking do that again. I’m not asking for total faithfulness, because… well, we’ve both got our wives and that’s kinda just how it has to be, but I just want to know that I mean something to you.”
“You do, Zac. Of course you do,” he says, caressing the side of my face like he’d rather slap it for saying something that silly. “I never said it to you, either, not that way, but… I love you, too.”
I lean up and kiss him then. I can’t stand the distance between us anymore and that’s the best way I can think of to make it go away. He pulls back from the kiss sooner than I’d like, and just stares at me like he hasn’t seen me in forever, his hands in my hair.
“Please don’t leave me again, Tay,” I whisper.
“I won’t. I promise,” he says. “Now, how about we finish Georgia?”