Memories
After Shiloh left, Taylor found himself stumbling around his house in a daze. He was in a kind of shock, trying to make sense of everything that had happened in just twenty four hours. It was useless, though; there was no sense to be made of it. Walking aimlessly around the house wasn’t helping, either. He needed something real to do to distract his mind.
He decided to go for a run.
Taylor had taken up running when his family moved onto their huge plot of land just outside town, with tons of flat land for him to explore. The little neighborhood he lived in now was perfect for a long run, too – it was something he had missed during his stay in Chicago, living in an apartment on a crowded street.
With his mind made up to spend the rest of the afternoon running, Taylor changed into the first pair of sweatpants he could dig out of the mess in his bedroom floor and set off down the street. He had no particular plan for where he was going, he only knew that it would help, somehow, to get outside and let his feet guide him.
He pulled his iPod out of his pocket and turned it to shuffle. It was just a little background noise to help dull his senses; he didn’t really care what songs he heard. After some time, a new song came on that hit him like a punch in the gut. Suddenly, memories came flooding back. He wanted to increase his speed and outrun them but he knew he couldn’t. Still, he ran on as the memories he thought he’d lost played out in his mind like a scene from a movie.
“I miss her so much, Shy,” Taylor slurred, leaning his head against her shoulder. “Why’d she have to leave me?”
“Us. She left all of us,” Shiloh corrected him, shrugging his head off and scooting away from him.
“Yeah, but she was my –”
“And my best friend. Don’t think this hurts you any less than it hurts me.”
Taylor saw the tears welling up in Shiloh’s eyes and he realized, despite his drunken state, that she was right. Charlotte had left them all, leaving him and Shiloh with a bond like no other. They were tied together by her death, tied together by their pain.
“I’m sorry, Shy,” Taylor said, sniffling. This time she did not shrug away his touch, as he wrapped his arms around her and let out a sob. He felt her trembling against him and knew she was crying too, but silently.
Once the worst of the sobs had left his body, Taylor pulled back and looked down at Shiloh. She was beautiful, in her own way. He could see perfectly why Zac had fallen for her so long ago, and why he had been so afraid to tell her. Without thinking of the consequences, only thinking how maybe he knew her better, understood her better than anyone else, Taylor pressed his lips to her cheek. It was only meant to be a gesture of reassurance, but she turned her head and pressed her lips fully against his. He found himself powerless to resist.
The kisses deepened and soon they were tossing aside clothing and exploring each other’s flesh. He needed to know her, all of her, and it seemed she felt the same. She didn’t object when he lowered her onto her back and removed the last piece of clothing separating their bodies. They moved together on the bed slowly, tentatively, making sure to savor each moment. Taylor only wanted to know her more, wanted to explore this last connection left to Charlotte…
The memory was still hazy; he remembered the important part but now how or why they’d ended up in her bedroom in the first place. He was certain, though, that his drunken recollection was real. Shiloh was right. The baby must be his.
Taylor felt his legs start to give out from under him and he slowed down until the world seemed to stop spinning. He looked around and realized he’d let his feet carry him all the way to Isaac’s house without even realizing it. Isaac and Mollie were in the driveway, unloading bags of groceries from their car. Isaac had their son Patrick by his hand and Taylor thought that for all the world it looked like a normal picture of a normal family, but he knew it was anything but. Everyone in their family was just going through the motions, just as they had when Charlotte died. And probably as they had been for the entire year since then. He pulled his earbuds out just as Isaac turned around to see him.
“Taylor,” he called out. “What are you doing?”
“Just went for a run. You know how I am.”
Isaac nodded, then leaned down and whispered something to the little boy. Patrick ran off toward the porch. Mollie followed behind him, taking heaping armfuls of the groceries with her and giving Isaac a pointed look.
Taylor took the hint and walked up the driveway, wiping sweat from his brow.
“Have a good run?” Isaac asked, clearly just making small talk.
Taylor nodded, waiting for Isaac to get around to the questions he really wanted to ask.
“Mom said you talked to the police today?”
And there it was. A statement, but a question at the same time, the way Isaac liked to do.
“Yeah, I did,” Taylor said. “Not like I really had much to tell them, though.”
“Well I guess you wouldn’t, since you’ve been acting like none of us back here even exist,” Isaac said. His voice was even but Taylor could still hear the anger hidden by the calmness.
“That’s not true,” Taylor said, but he could see Isaac’s point. He wanted to dispute it, but how could he? He had run off and ignored their calls and letters.
Isaac furrowed his brow, looking as thought he were contemplating several different retorts. Finally, he spoke, “Look, all I know is that you and Zac used to be inseparable. Then you ran off and none of us could talk to him. God knows he never talked to me, ever. And I can’t help feeling like somehow you’ve got something to do with why he’s gone.”
There was the accusation laid bare. Taylor could feel the weight of Zac’s disappearance on his shoulders already, and it only pressed down further now that he knew it wasn’t only in his head. Somehow, some way, he was to blame for it and he couldn’t deny that.
“Maybe you’re right,” Taylor admitted, then let slip a lie that came too easily, “But I don’t know how. Maybe he’s mad at me for something, I don’t know, but I didn’t force him to do this.”
Isaac brushed a hand through his hair, a nervous habit that Taylor knew was only partially to do with worry over the current situation. He could see the hair beginning to thin around Isaac’s temples, even more than he remembered. The past year had aged all of them. Isaac turned his head toward the house and Taylor could see Mollie standing just behind the screen door, her arms folded.
“I should go,” Taylor said, before Isaac had the chance to tell him.
For just a moment, Isaac’s face softened and he said, “Just don’t you leave us too, okay? Run off back to Chicago if you want and hide from your problems, but don’t do what Zac’s done.”
Taylor nodded and watched as Isaac’s face resumed its earlier hardness. They didn’t say goodbye, only exchanged a small nod that said more than a word could have. Putting his earbuds back in, Taylor jogged out of the driveway and on down the street, determined to run until his feet could carry him no further.
When his run finally brought him back around to his house, Taylor fell in the door and collapsed on the couch. He attempted to watch some television to dull his mind even further, but it didn’t work. Although his body was exhausted, his brain was still working in overdrive.
He remembered the letter, and decided now was as good a time as any to find out what it said.
With heavy feet, he walked down the hallway to his bedroom. He reached for the chest of drawers by the door where he thought he remembered setting the letter during his half-assed attempt at unpacking. He only drew back a handful of dust. Rummaging through the debris littering the floor, he pulled out his laptop bag. It too yielded no letter.
Taylor started to panic. He fell to his knees and began to dig through the mess he’d made after hearing the news about Zac. Scraps of paper from his journal temporarily raised his hopes, but the letter was still nowhere to be found. He was absolutely positive he had packed it – could remember shoving it in the bag and removing it from the bag as well. Yet it was nowhere to be found.
His best hope of getting any answers had disappeared, just like its author.