Finally
It took the police two days to locate Zac’s body. Taylor knew it was only a matter of time; there was no hope left he would suddenly appear somewhere, still alive. This time, the phone call came from his mother, not the police detective. She barely even said a word, but through her strangled sobs, Taylor knew what she was trying to tell him.
Zac was gone. His suffering had ended, and Taylor’s was entering a new phase.
Taylor spent the majority of the next few days at his parents’ house, Shiloh by his side despite her trepidation and Isaac’s sideways stares. They ate the piles and piles of food delivered by friends and relatives and sorted through all of the letters from fans. Diana refused to let Taylor throw any of them away, but he also couldn’t bring himself to read them. When the mail came in, he and Shiloh sorted out the junk and bills from the cards and letters from fans and stuffed the latter into boxes that would probably never be opened again. The full boxes were carried out to the studio that Taylor supposed would never be used again, either.
He refused to assist in the funeral planning. He had no suggestions and had realized that all of that stuff truly didn’t matter anyway. It was an outward expression of how they all felt about Zac, but ultimately, Taylor knew that what he did with his life now that Zac was gone could be a more fitting legacy to him than any fancy coffin and floral arrangement. Actions meant so much more than any of that.
Charlotte’s funeral had been small and private. To everyone’s surprise, the majority of Taylor’s fans had seen fit to leave him alone and let him mourn her in peace. They held the funeral in her family’s small church and then the few of them who loved her most – his family, hers and Shiloh – gathered at the cemetery to lay her to rest.
Zac’s funeral, he knew, would be much, much larger.
The funeral home was large and more than capable, but still each day, they were crowds of fans gathered outside their doors. Taylor felt silly, his head down in the back of a long limosuine with dark tinted windows. It reminded him of all the times when they were younger, and Zac had practically tried to crawl under the limo seats to hide from the hoards of screaming girls outside. Until that moment, Taylor had never really wondered just what effect their fame might have had on them. Would anything have been different if they hadn’t grown up in the public eye? He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to think about it.
The building was packed, but Taylor was certain that he knew every person inside by name. The fans stayed outside, holding their own vigil. It seemed like something out of a movie, and Taylor could barely even process a single word that was said. Everyone who spoke to him seemed to be speaking gibberish and all of the sermons and speeches were equally incomprehensible to him. No one said any of what he was really feeling, but he supposed that some of those feelings weren’t really appropriate for a funeral.
He hadn’t wanted to give a speech of his own, but Diana had insisted that he and Shiloh both say a few words. She was the sort of person you couldn’t say no to even at the best of times. He agreed to go after Isaac, and Shiloh after him. When his turn came, it occurred to him that he hadn’t actually planned a single thing he was going to say, but he stood and walked to the pulpit anyway. He looked directly at Shiloh as he spoke.
“It’s no secret that out of all my brothers and sisters, Zac was the one I was always closest to. It wasn’t playing favorites; we just had the most in common, I guess. We invented all sorts of crazy games together when we were little, we wrote some of our best songs together… we even fell in love with best friends.” He paused there to give Shiloh a small smile before continuing. “That doesn’t mean we always got along or we always understood each other, though. The last year was really difficult for both of us, for different but… kind of similar reasons. We both dealt with our pain in similar but different ways. I’ll never truly understand why he did what he did, but it was his choice. Zac was a stubborn guy – another one of those things he and I had in common. And I’m going to stubbornly go on loving him and living a life I hope he would be proud of, even if he’s not here to see it.”
Taylor didn’t know if he’d said the right things, but Shiloh gave him a tiny smile and that was good enough for him. He stepped back and made his way back to the pew where she sat. He sat down next to her and gave her hand a squeeze.
“You can do it,” he whispered to her.
Shiloh didn’t look convinced, but she nodded and stood up to take her place at the pulpit.
“I really didn’t prepare anything to say today. I didn’t think anyone would really want me to, but Diana insisted and, well, I think we all know where Taylor and Zac got their stubbornness from,” Shiloh paused there and gave a little smirk. A few people laughed, and then she cleared her throat and continued. “I loved Zac. Well, I still do, and I guess I always will. I don’t know how many people knew that. I’m not even sure that Zac knew, but I hope he did. He was such an optimist, though. I guess that’s why… this… surprises me so much. Zac saw what he wanted to see. What made him happy. That doesn’t mean he was always happy, though. I think he just bottled up all the things that hurt him, pretending they didn’t exist, until it just overflowed and he couldn’t live with it all anymore. I guess we all have our breaking point. But even if Zac wasn’t always as happy as he seemed, he made sure that everyone who knew him was. He only wanted the best for us all. And he wouldn’t want us to sit around and feel sorry for him or ourselves now. I know it’s tough not to do that. Believe me, I do. Zac would want us to go on and be happy, and figure out how to live with our problems. I know I’m going to try… for him.”
The rest of the funeral was just as much a blur to Taylor as it had been before he gave his speech. He couldn’t even remember a word that his parents, brothers and sisters said. He didn’t register anything that their friends and employees said. Ashley showed a short video he had edited together from the footage he shot of the boys over the years, and Taylor barely remembered when any of it had happened. His entire life before that day was just a blur – a blur that seemed to have happened to someone else entirely.
When everything had been said and done, Taylor took his place along with his other two brothers, Ashley and a few other friends. There were more than enough of them to lift the coffin, but still each one looked like they were going to crumble under the burden. The casket had remained closed throughout the funeral, and Taylor was fine with that. He didn’t need to see Zac one last time to know that he was really gone.
Fans had gathered at the cemetery even before the long line of limousines arrived. That didn’t surprise Taylor at all. A thin drizzle began as the preacher spoke, but still the fans remained by the cemetery gates. He wondered if they could hear what was being said or even see Zac’s coffin from where they stood. A year prior, Taylor would have been angry at them for being there, as though they had any right to see such a private moment. Now, though, he understood that they needed it. They needed to grieve him, too, in whatever way worked for them.
It was strange, Taylor thought, to feel the anger and bitterness draining out of himself after so long. He was glad to see it go, though. As they lay Zac to rest, he held Shiloh’s hand tightly and she let him.
When it was over, he wrapped his arm around her and she around him, and they walked back toward the cemetery gates together. Still the crowds of fans stood there. Some had umbrellas, but those who didn’t hardly seemed to notice the difference. Their reverent silence seemed to have been washed away by the rain. Several fans called out to Taylor and his family, saying various sentiments and well wishes. He heard one or two comments about Shiloh, and she tensed at his side at the sound of her name.
“Shiloh,” someone called out. “Weren’t you and Zac together?”
“We were,” she said simply.
“Is she dating Taylor now?” Another fan asked no one in particular.
Shiloh gritted her teeth and walked on, ignoring the questions entirely. Taylor remained by her side, still holding her tightly and struggling to keep his small umbrella over both of their heads. Once they were safely inside the limo, he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Shy. We couldn’t keep them away completely, and they were pretty respectful up to that point.”
“It’s fine,” she replied. “People are going to ask that for a long time, you know. They’re going to want to know.”
Taylor nodded. “So what do we tell them?”
“The truth I guess,” she replied. “That, yes, we are together.”
“Are we?” Taylor asked.
Shiloh gave him a little smirk. “Is that a problem?”
“No,” Taylor replied. “Not at all.”
Taylor didn’t know for sure what Zac would think of that, his ex-girlfriend dating his brother, but he hoped that Zac would understand. He had spoken the truth earlier. In spite of his mistakes, he wanted to make Zac proud.