Past: Happy Pills
“Where’s Taylor?” Isaac asked, walking into the living room. “Why are you here?”
I was so focused on the stupid Spongebob cartoon I was watching with Zoe that I didn’t even hear or see Isaac come in. I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon, and Mom had made plans for Taylor to take me, since my van wasn’t starting that week, and Isaac to come watch the little ones while we were gone. She was busy, of course, doing some shopping or something. To me, it just seemed like she was brushing off the appointment, like that way she could pretend it wasn’t happening. Pretend I wasn’t her crazy son.
But Taylor didn’t show. That in and of itself wasn’t surprising. Taylor? Not doing what you told him to? Nothing new at all.
I shrugged. “Dunno. I think his cell phone is turned off.”
Isaac nodded knowingly and walked into the kitchen. I could hear the loud tones of the phone’s keypad as he dialed – no doubt – Taylor’s number. Like he didn’t believe me and had to check it himself just to make sure I wasn’t lying. After the dialing, I heard only silence. Then, several seconds later, the loud click of the phone being slammed back into the receiver.
“What time is your appointment?” Isaac yelled the question from the kitchen.
“Twenty minutes ago.”
I heard the sound of dialing again, and a few seconds later, Isaac began to speak. I had to guess at what was being said on the other end of the line.
“Mom? Yes, I’m at the house. And so is Zac.”
I imagined mom was silent for a second, then gave some sort of terse reply in the vein of a knowing, “Oh, is he?”
“Yeah. We can’t get a hold of him… No, he wasn’t at the apartment… Not since this morning.”
Now the endless questions and accusations, like Isaac was somehow responsible for Taylor. And I guess he was supposed to be, at least in Mom’s eyes, since Taylor moved into the apartment she had been so proud of Ike for renting.
“I don’t know, Mom! He’s probably with Alex… Yeah, I’ll try the record store next… And Alex’s… Yes, I know… Yes, mother. I know what I told you about him and Alex… I know…”
I wasn’t sure where the conversation was going at that point, but I was sure that I was lucky not to be in Isaac’s place. I knew it wouldn’t be long until blame shifted to me, though. Maybe it was my fault the van didn’t start. Or I should have called Isaac and tried to wrangle Zoe, Mackie and Avery into his car and keep them entertained in the waiting room of my psychiatrist. Yeah, that would have worked well.
“Okay… Okay. Okay, Mom… I’ll call you back… Yes, I’ll call back as soon as I can… I’ll let you know… Bye, Mom.”
He slammed down the phone with even more force than the first time. Whatever Mom said to him must have been pretty bad, because I heard his loud groan and what sounded like a forehead hitting the kitchen counter.
Several phone calls later, Ike’s frustration was only growing. No one who might have seen Taylor had, and Alex wasn’t answering his phone either. Portia hadn’t seen Alex at all that day, but Isaac still lingered on his phone call with her. I imagined he was delaying calling our mom back, and for that I couldn’t blame him at all.
It was 5:30 when Mom arrived home, and Dad followed about ten minutes later. By that time it was two hours and thirty minutes since the time my appointment had been scheduled for. Dad was pacing the living room while I tried to sink further and further into the couch, hoping I might eventually just disappear beneath the cushions. Mom had followed Isaac back into the kitchen, where she stood over his shoulder as he called and re-called everyone he had already talked to. I wasn’t sure what any of them were hoping to accomplish.
A couple minutes after 6 o’clock, the telltale sound of gravel flying and tires spinning told us that Taylor had finally arrived. Ever since buying that Camaro, he made his presence known quite loudly. I could feel everything in the house come to a stop at that sound, even little Zoe and Mackie who I’m sure had no idea why everyone was so tense.
We all stood, or in my case sat, rigid, waiting for Taylor to open the door. It was so quiet that I could hear his footsteps coming up the driveway, then onto the porch. Even the almost imperceptable sound of the doorknob turning seemed as loud as a gunshot, and Mom was in the room before the door had even opened.
“Where the hell have you been?” Mom had her hands on her hips and her eyes could have shot lasers through Taylor. I was pretty sure it was the first time I had ever heard any words like that come out of my mother’s mouth.
“I was with –” Taylor began, then stopped in his tracks. I could see his whole body going stiff and his face going pale. “I just forgot, okay?”
“You were with?” Mom repeated, turning it into both a question and an accusation.
Taylor ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He looked down at the floor when he replied, “I was with Alex. We just lost track of time.”
Mom and Dad shared a strange look. Isaac offered Taylor what looked kind of like an apologetic face, but I didn’t know what he was apologizing for. I figured it probably wasn’t any of my business anyway, even if it did maybe have something to do with the reason I had spent the afternoon planted on our couch when I was supposed to be sitting on someone else’s, sharing my feelings. Not that I ever did much talking at those appointments, anyway. I had never done much talking to any of the doctors they had sent me to over the years. I wondered if maybe that was a mistake, but I still didn’t like to talk. Not to anyone, and especially not to anyone who could tell my parents I was crazy.
“You know you were supposed to be here hours ago to take your brother to that appointment,” Mom said.
Tay nodded. “I know, I know. It’s just this one time, okay? The world won’t end if he doesn’t get his happy pills for one day.”
It was at that point I decided that I really, really wanted to disappear. I knew Taylor didn’t mean it that way, but he knew as well as anyone that the pills didn’t make me happy. They didn’t make me anything. In fact, they made me more akin to nothing. I couldn’t explain that to anyone else, though. Not to Mom, definitely not to Dad, and not to the doctors, either.
I closed my eyes and prayed to sink beneath the couch cushions and disappear.
When I opened my eyes again, I was still there. Dad was picking Zoe up and ushering her out of the room, which I suspected was just as much to get her away from the conversation as it was to get himself away from it.
“When I tell you to pick your brother up and take him somewhere, you will do it, understand?”
Taylor nodded softly, looking down at his feet. He still hadn’t moved from the welcome mat.
“And I don’t care if you think spending time with your friend is more fun.”
I could see Taylor wince a little at that, even though his bangs had mostly covered his face. I tried to look at it anyway, to see if his expression would give away the reason those words bothered him so much. But I just didn’t know.
“Mom, will you let it go?” This time Ike was the one to speak.
Taylor looked up at Isaac, and his eyes flashed with anger for just a second. Isaac looked away quickly, almost looking ashamed. I didn’t know what was happening at all, but it was making me more and more uncomfortable just being in the same room. As quietly as I possibly could, I stood up and walked out of the room.
The other three were so engulfed in their staring contest that they didn’t notice at all and I made it to the basement without anyone following me. Once I was down there, I could forget about everything happening upstairs. I sat down at my drums and started pounding away, not even caring if the noise carried upstairs – I knew it barely did – and bothered anyone.
I don’t know how long I played. It felt like forever. My arms were aching and I was just about ready to quit and venture back upstairs when, over the sound of my last cymbal crash, I heard the basement door creak open. I couldn’t tell just by the footsteps who it was, but soon Taylor came into view, looking very, very embarrassed and almost like he had been crying.
I set down my drumsticks and let my shoulders drop, feeling the tension growing in my shoulders from playing so long. Taylor stood awkwardly on the other side of the room for a minute, then finally relaxed enough to lean up against the wall.
“Sorry I didn’t make it here earlier,” he said, his voice soft and kind of low. I could tell that was the apology Mom had told him to make.
I shrugged. “It’s alright. Not like I was really itching to go.”
Taylor nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Well. I’m sorry about the whole ‘happy pills’ thing, too.”
I nodded, too. “No big deal. I’ve called ’em that, too, even if they aren’t really…”
“Look, I really feel bad. You know I didn’t forget because of anything to do with you or anything, right? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t want to see you,” Taylor said. When he raised his head, I could see the tears in the corners of his eyes. He had definitely been crying.
“I know. I didn’t even think that at all,” I replied. I wondered if he felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me, too, like everyone else seemed to feel. I was getting really sick of that.
“I promise I’ll be here next time, okay?”
Scrunching up my nose, I asked, “Do you have to?”
Taylor laughed. “No, I guess I don’t. But next time let’s at least pretend I took you to the crazy doctors, okay?”