Everything and Something
Kate did it. She really did it. The very day after the vow renewal, she packed suitcases for her and the kids, and left for Georgia. In another part of town, I knew Taylor and Natalie were packing their bags, dropping the kids off with Mom and Dad, and starting the long drive to Florida for their second honeymoon at the beach.
All that amounted to me being alone. Completely alone.
But I’m just throwing a pity party for myself and I know it. I’m not really alone. Carrick is still here. Hell, even Ike and Austin are here, if I really felt inclined to hang out with them. I don’t, particularly, and I feel even less inclined to see Carrick after the way I sneaked out of his house.
So for two days, I sit on my ass, play video games and eat junk food. I always imagined that being able to do nothing but that would be the best life ever, but it really isn’t. I refuse to call Carrick, though. I feel like such an ass and I know I need to apologize or explain or something, but the thought of actually trying to only makes me feel worse.
He’ll understand, right? He has to understand. But what if he doesn’t? What if I’ve lost my wife and my best friend all through my own stupidity?
It’s that fear that finally pushes me to pick up my phone and begin typing a text message to Carrick. I type and erase the message at least ten times, never coming up with anything that really seems to fit the situation. It doesn’t matter, though, because a knock comes at the door when I’m in the middle of erasing draft number eleven.
It has to be Carrick. Who else could it be?
I shuffle to the door a little reluctantly; after all, I still have no clue what to say to him. And for all I know, Carrick came over just to punch me in the face and run. It’s not like I wouldn’t deserve it. But when I swing the door open, he doesn’t really look mad. He doesn’t really look like anything at all – just himself, standing on my door step with his hands in his pockets.
“Are you busy?” He asks, frowning a little like he already knows it’s a dumb question.
I shake my head and hold the door open wider so he can come in. There’s an obvious tension and awkwardness between us as Carrick walks past me and takes a seat on the couch. I sit next to him, but not nearly as close as I want to because I doubt he wants me that near. He leans back against the couch and puts his arm over the back of it and it seems a little forced.
“So, we’ve been working on this new song,” he says. “Austin had the lyrics and I’ve been working on the beat. You should hear it.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Did you really come over to talk about music?”
“Not really.”
“So let’s talk,” I say, completely in spite of myself. Talking to Carrick about anything that really matters is the last thing I want to do, but maybe it’s better to do it and get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid.
Carrick’s face softens a little, like he’s finally starting to feel comfortable here in my house or with me. “Alright. Why don’t you talk first?”
“I’m sorry you had to babysit my drunk ass the other night,” I say. Maybe if I start with an apology, he’ll be more sympathetic and less likely to hate me.
“I will always babysit your drunk ass. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to,” I reply, sighing a little. “I’m a mess, Carrick. And you shouldn’t have to clean it up.”
“If I don’t, who will?” He says it with a little smile, but it still kind of hurts. I know he’s not wrong, though. I’ve always counted on other people – Kate, Taylor, him – to clean up my messes, but lately I’ve burned so many bridges that I don’t really have anyone else to count on. And I wasn’t even sure I still had him. That leads me to my next question.
“Why don’t you hate me?”
Carrick tilts his head to the side a little, his brow furrowing in confusion, as though it never even occurred to him that he should hate me.
“I mean, I don’t want you to hate me,” I say, attempting to clarify, but only earning a deeper head tilt from Carrick. “I’m definitely not trying to make you hate me. I just keep doing stupid things that really should.”
“Like what?”
Oh. I had just assumed that he knew what I did to Taylor but maybe I was wrong. Maybe he doesn’t know. And maybe I just shoved my foot halfway down my throat. Carrick stares so intently at me that I can’t even look away, and it’s obvious that he knows I did something, but he’s waiting with an uncharacteristic patience for me to tell him what it was.
“Like… something I shouldn’t have done with Taylor.”
There’s a hint of surprise in Carrick’s eyes, but his nod suggests that while he didn’t know, he suspected it. I’m nothing if not predictable when it comes to Taylor. I hang my head in shame, finding that I don’t even have the will to look him in the eye and tell him what I did.
“I’m guessing this happened at some point before I had to peel you off the bed and practically carry you home?”
I nod, my head still down. And, because I’m not looking his way, I jump a little when Carrick puts his hand in my shoulder.
“Doesn’t matter what you did, Zac,” he says, his voice soft and low. “Why would that make me hate you?”
I glance up slowly. “Well, I thought we were… something… and then I did that with Taylor…”
“Zac,” he says with a little chuckle. “We might be something, if that’s what you want. But I’m not asking or expecting any kind of loyalty that you can’t give me, whether it’s because of Taylor or…”
“Or because I’m married.”
He nods. “I know where I stand in all of this. And I’m okay with that.”
You shouldn’t have to be okay with it, though.”
Carrick just shrugs, and I don’t know what else to say, because even if it’s not fair to him, I can’t change it. I can’t make my marriage end any faster and I can’t make these feelings for Taylor go away. God knows I would if I could. I don’t even know what there is left of me to give to Carrick, but I know that whatever little it is, it’s his. And I think – no, I hope – he knows that, too.
Because I don’t have any other words, I do the only other thing I can think of. I kiss him.
He stiffens against me, frozen on the spot, but in a second he relaxes and kisses me back. He’s been growing this stubbly little beard lately and it tickles, a constant reminder that I’m kissing a man. But it’s not the worst thing I’ve done with another man and I really don’t want to think that that right now. I only want to think about Carrick and his lips and the way his hand is rubbing my back.
I guess I’m just greedy, because that’s not enough for me. I want more of him. I scramble into his lap, nudging him back against the arm of the couch. He’s stretched out underneath me, barely even fitting along the length of the couch, and I want to kiss every inch of his ridiculously tall body. I start with his jaw, then his neck, leaving a trail of kisses all along the neckline of his shirt.
He’s really quiet and still beneath me, and I’m not sure if that’s a good sign. When I grab a handful of his shirt and start to pull it up, he gives a little sigh and places his hand over mine.
“Carrick?” I ask, tilting my head up to look at him.
He nudges my hand back down, covering up what little of his chest I had managed to reveal. “Let’s not do this right now, okay?”
“I thought you wanted me?” I sound pathetic, and I feel even worse.
“I do,” he replies. “You know that. But I don’t know what you want.”
I sigh and sit up, putting a little space between us. I hate that he turned that question around on me, but I know he has a point. Lately it seems like all I do is want. I want everything and everyone. I want a happy marriage. I want Taylor to end the charade his marriage has become, and I want him to let me love him without either of us running away afterward. And now, apparently, I want Carrick, too.
Carrick scoots closer again and rubs my back. “You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.”
“If not now, when?”
“You don’t have to do everything at once, Zac,” he says. “That’s what I’m trying to say. All this that’s going on with Taylor, and now Kate, too… I’ll still be here when it blows over. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I’m not worried about that.”
“Then you ought to know you don’t have to jump my bones every chance you get,” Carrick replies, the little smirk that crosses his lips contrasting with his soft tone of voice.
“Just every other time?” I ask, giving him a smirk of my own in return.
Carrick laughs, his nose scrunching up and the little wrinkles around his eyes becoming just a bit more noticeable. He really is beautiful; I knew that long before it ever occurred to me that what I felt for him was more than just friendly. Now that I’ve given in to that feeling, it seems I can only see more and more reasons to love him.
It should scare me a little to think that word, but it doesn’t. I have loved him, even if in a different way than that, for years. It makes a weird sort of sense to realize that I’m maybe sort of in love with him, too.
“I think every other time sounds like a good plan,” he finally replies, wrapping his arm around my back and pulling me to his side. “But not tonight, okay? That’s not why I came here.”
“You mean this isn’t a booty call?”
“I’m being serious here,” he replies, still grinning a little in spite of himself.
“Sorry,” I reply, trying to force the grin off my own face.
“I want you to be happy. You know that, right?”
I nod. I do know that. Carrick has proven time and time again that he only has my best interests at heart, even when I wish he didn’t.
“I’m just not sure that, right now, you know what’s really gonna make you happy.”
I bite my lip, letting his words sink in. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t need everything at once, even if I want it. It’s hard to deny myself something that feels so good and so right, even if he says he isn’t going anywhere. Taylor’s vanishing acts have me so accustomed to happiness being just a fleeting thing that I want to cling to whatever little bit of happiness I can get. And right now, Carrick’s tempting me with more than just a little happiness.
I snuggle up a little closer to him. “Promise you’re not going anywhere?”
“Promise.”
It doesn’t answer all the questions I’ve got, but for right now, it’s enough.